Kim stood outside the room and drew a few long slow breaths. Her hands were shaking and she slipped them into the pockets of her jacket to hide her nerves. She spoke to the Guard outside the door briefly before pushing open the door and stepping quietly inside.
The sight of Sean Roman lying in bed bought back so many memories. She remembered when he was shot, when she still thought he deserved her support. She shook her head trying to focus. That was history.
"You wanted to see me." His eyes opened slowly as he turned his head towards the voice, he didn't expect to see her ever again and for a brief moment he thought it was a dream. He had certainly taken quite a beating. His face was swollen and bruised but she hadn't bothered to find out what his injuries were because she didn't care.
Adam had been furious when she told him that she was going to see him and she couldn't really blame him, he was just trying to protect her. Eventually he had calmed down but it had taken a while and a lot of harsh words had been spoken. They were navigating this new relationship as best they could but it wasn't smooth sailing. Not by a long shot. "Why the fuck do you want to see him? Do you still have feelings for him?"
"No Adam, god No." she had reached out to placate him with a hand on his arm and he had snatched it away. He was pacing around her apartment and she could clearly see his agitation. "That has nothing to do with it. Perhaps I need to do it for me. I want him to know that he hasn't broken me, that he didn't win. That I am stronger than he thought I was."
"Maybe by not going to see him that will tell him everything he needs to know. You don't owe him the courtesy of knowing anything about you. Not anymore. He gave up that right when he abused you." He flung his arms wide and his fists were balled tightly in anger.
He left before they had settled it and it was probably childish on his part but Adam didn't want to say something that he regretted. Adam sent her a text message a few hours later, once he had put some distance between them and started thinking more rationally. 'I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't agree with what you are doing but if you decide to go see him please be careful and let me know if you need me.'
"Kim?" He couldn't believe she had actually come. "You can come in. I won't hurt you."
She didn't move. She was more than happy staying by the door because she wasn't planning on being here long. "Your Aunt said you wanted to see me. Here I am?"
"I want to know you are okay."
"Is that it?" she asked flatly, her voice was devoid of any emotion before she turned to leave. She wasn't even going to give him that, she wasn't about to tell him that she was fine, she wasn't about to tell him anything.
"Don't go. I'm sorry I hurt you. You didn't deserve that." Kim rested her hand on the door. "Kim." He called out weakly. She paused before turning back to face him one last time but Kim stared straight ahead and refused to look at him or even speak.
"Are you back with Ruzek?" He had no idea why he asked that. He thought that the irrational jealousy that had driven him to do the things that he did would have subsided but it hadn't. Kim suddenly knew that this wasn't about her, it never was. It was about Adam. That realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks.
Kim turned and left. She had nothing to say to him, nothing at all. She felt nothing standing in that room. It felt like she was watching the movie of someone else's life and Adam was right, she owed him nothing.
She walked out of the hospital without a looking back, even when she heard him call her name again. As she now wandered along the Riverbank everything crashed around in her head. She shouldn't have gone but then again perhaps she would have always regretted it. Either way she was in a no win situation and eventually decided what to do what she thought was best for her. But it wasn't and now it seemed liked everything happened days ago, not months and it had thrown her right back in the middle of it all.
Erin pulled up the stool and waited for Jay to bring them their drinks. She waved at Ruzek as he came through the door. Jay saw him and nodded before ordering another beer.
"Where's Kim tonight?" Jay bought the drinks back.
"Working." He barked as he almost snatched his beer from the tray.
Erin cocked one eye at Jay and nodded for him to continue. "You okay Bro?"
"Yep." He rolled his eyes. "Hey can we please talk about anything other than how fucked up everything in my life is right now?" It was everything with Kim and his father all coming one after the other and he was done talking, analysing and mulling over every single thing. Nothing was easy lately and today he'd had enough and figured a few beers, well perhaps more than a few would help.
"Sure." But that was easier said than done. It took a while to drag him out of his headspace. He hadn't been like this for a while. Lately he'd been pretty well back to normal but now he was back to acting like he did when he first broke up with Kim, he was miserable and angry. It helped him be a good cop, but made him a lousy drinking companion.
When Jay wandered off to talk to his brother, who was sitting at the other end of the bar with some people from Med that they didn't know Erin dived in. "So spill."
"What?"
"What's eating you? You've been like a bear with a sore head all day."
"Kim went and saw him today." He took a long slow mouthful of beer before setting it down on the table and shaking his head sadly. He was trying to shake it off; this wasn't helping.
"Oh." Erin rested a hand on his. "And you are not okay with that?"
'Why the fuck would I be okay with it?"
"Did you ask her why?"
"Of course I did and I also told her that I didn't want her to go but she was always going to do it." He shrugged and picked up the shot glass that had appeared and knocked it back. "Why should what I think matter?"
"I am sure it matters. What happened? Have you talked to her since?"
"Briefly." He turned in his seat so his back was leaning against the wall. "She was pretty shaken up but we didn't really have time to talk. She had to go on shift."
"It must have been hard for her, seeing him again." Ruzek didn't answer. "It must have been rough on you too."
"I feel like I'm in a pinball machine, I seem to bounce from one fucking drama to another."
"But things are going well with Kim aren't they. Apart from this you've been good lately."
"Yep, sure things are great." He took a mouthful of beer hoping that it would stop him spewing out all his frustrations. "She's been great, with everything that happened with my Pop she was great."
"You know she did it because she loves you."
"I know. I just don't want her to get hurt again. Is that so bad? And I hate him so much and just when things are getting better he comes between us again. I don't want to go back to the start. He's fucked with us for long enough."
As Jay headed back Erin agreed to drop it and talk about something else. He reached for his phone as it buzzed in his pocket and frowned at the unknown number and contemplated not answering it.
"Is she okay?" His voice was suddenly urgent. It was Kim's partner, James. Erin and Jay held their breath and tried to follow the conversation.
"She's not good. Physically she's fine but we got called out to a DV and she kinda lost it." He looked over at his partner who was sitting in the Patrol car in an almost catatonic state. They had informed him of her history when they were paired up and Platt had finally settled on him because she felt he was smart enough to handle it.
"Where are you?"
"Still at the scene, Kim's in the car but she's completely zoned out. I don't want to take her back to the District that'll get everyone talking."
Ruzek leapt from his stool and headed for the door. Erin and Jay took off after him. "Can you take her to my place. I'll text you my address."
Erin grabbed his arm. "Adam, What is it?"
"It's Kim. They had a DV call and she's not good." His hands were shaking as he tried to type his address into a message and Jay offered to drive as he was a little to buzzed to drive, legally and Erin followed behind. "Logan's going to take her back to my place."
They were already parked outside when they pulled up and Ruzek was out of the car before it even stopped. He thanked Logan for calling him as Logan stepped away towards the others. "What happened?" Erin asked.
"We got the call and it was fine until the victim refused to make a complaint. Burgess went on a rant about how it was women like her that were the problem. There were a couple of kids in the house and Burgess called in DCFS and the woman lost it and ended up taking a swing at Burgess. By the time I pulled them apart Burgess just took off and sat in the car and that was it."
"Did she say anything?" Jay asked as he was watching Ruzek try and talk to her.
"No, I knew she was in a bad mood earlier. She's been pretty quiet all shift. Didn't expect this though."
"Kim." Adam opened her door and crouched down beside the car. "Baby."
She turned her head slowly and looked a little confused. "Adam?" How did he get here? Where was she? Nothing made sense.
"Come on. Let's get you out of here." He leant across and undid her seat belt and held onto her hands as he helped her out. Erin came over and slipped one arm around her waist.
"Can you take her up? I want to talk to Logan for a minute." He wanted to know what had gone on and thank him for calling him. Jay took his keys and Kim didn't even seem to notice.
"Logan." Adam shook Logan's hand. "Thank for calling me. I really appreciate it."
"Is she okay? I'm a little surprised she flipped out so badly." He explained the episode to Ruzek like he already told Halstead and Lindsay. They had suggested that he not report it just yet and they would see how it played out in the morning. He agreed to call in that he had taken Burgess home because she was ill.
"She went to see her ex today. The prick that abused her."
"Oh."
"Hey, look thanks again. I'll buy you a beer sometime." He shook his hand again.
"Deal, and I hope Kim's okay. Can you let me know?"
Erin had her sitting on the couch and she had helped her take off her vest and belt. Erin jumped up when Adam came in and let him sit beside her. He grabbed her hands softly and rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles. "Kim." She was looking at his hands holding hers.
Jay and Erin indicated that they were going to take off and they left quietly. The sound of the door closing seemed to jolt Kim out of her trance. "Adam." She still had that confused look on her face.
"Baby, what happened today?"
She shook her head. "I should have listened to you."
"What happened? What did he say?"
"He wanted to know if I was okay and that he didn't mean to hurt me." She finally looked up at Adam and he didn't like the pain he saw in her eyes. It had been a long time since he'd seen that, not since he first found out that she'd been abused, that was the last time he had seen such devastation in her eyes and he hated it. "He asked me if I was back with you."
"And?"
"I walked out." Kim looked around and felt a flutter of panic. She still had no idea how she got here, how Adam got here. "I felt nothing for him. Shouldn't I hate him or something?"
"No, if you hate him that means you have some strong feelings for him. I am much happier that you feel nothing."
"You hate him." Kim leant back against Adam's chest. The feeling of his arms was comforting. He was strong, he was always had been. Going back to see Roman had made her remember things that she never wanted to think about again. She had gone back to comparing them. When Adam picked her up, even that first time he showed up at her place she felt safe, like he would never drop her and he never did. She never felt like that with Roman, even when his arms were around her, he never gave her the feeling of safety and security that Adam had always provided.
"I do."
"Did Logan tell you what happened?"
"He did. He's informed the District that he's taken you home because you are sick. We'll sort that out tomorrow." He heard his cell phone beep in his pocket and chose to ignore it.
"Do you want to get that?"
"Not right now. It's probably just Lindsay or Halstead checking in."
"Answer them. They'll be worried."
Adam pulled out his phone and sent Lindsay a message that Kim was okay. Adam jumped up and made her a cup of tea when she asked for one. She took a shower while he was busy in the kitchen. Bringing it through to the bedroom he waited on the bed while she got dressed. Kim sat cross-legged, pulling a pillow into her lap and rested her elbows on her knees as Adam lay across the end and rested a hand on her foot.
"I think I realised that it wasn't about me at all. The reason Roman got in my head, he didn't want me for me. He wanted me so that you couldn't have me. I put you through so much because of it."
"What makes you say that? Surely there was more to it than that? He was your partner for a while before things turned to shit, he always seemed like he was just a good friend and partner at the start."
"I don't know. It was the way he asked about you and it kinda all just made sense. I could sense his jealousy. It was out of the blue but all along he talked you down, every chance he had. He was always in my head about what you had done wrong, how Intelligence were all up themselves. I asked him once what had gone on between you two and he said nothing. I don't understand and I don't know why he hates you."
"Doesn't matter now."
"It doesn't make you angry?"
"Sure it does, it did." He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He hooked one arm behind his head while the other still was softly stroking her foot. "But I am here with you exactly where I want to be." He turned his head to look at her. "Do I wish things were different? Sure but they aren't. Do I want to waste another minute of time on him? No."
Kim crawled over and sat astride him. "I'm sorry I didn't take your advice."
"It's okay. You did what you had to do."
"He didn't beat me. And knowing that makes me feel good." Kim kissed him softly and slowly.
He let her continue for a few minutes before he lifted her up and away from him. "Okay, that was nice but we still need to talk about what happened tonight. You are not avoiding talking about it by trying to seduce me."
Kim returned to her cross-legged position and sighed. "What did Logan say?"
"You went to a DV call and the victim didn't want to press charges and you flipped out. Threatened to take her kids away, the woman took a swing at you." Kim pressed her hands to her face, covering her eyes and shaking her head. Adam gently pulled them away. "What happened?"
"I don't know. It just got to me. I was angry with her because she was willing to put up with it and then I was angry with myself because I was no better. Men keep getting away with it because they make us feel weak and useless. I owe her an apology. Is Logan okay?"
"He is. He seems like a good guy. I owe him a beer." Adam sat up and scooted closer to her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "And you are not weak and useless. You were scared, as was this woman. It took you a while to figure out how to get out of it. You know you didn't let the burn heal because you wanted help. You weren't weak; you were smart. You found a way. You can help her and others like her but it might take time for you to be able to do that. You've such a big heart and I can see you handling this so much better next time. You know if this happened next week I think you would have reacted differently but seeing him today didn't get your head in the right space to start with."
"I really should listen to you more."
"I had no right to tell you what to do."
"I asked you for your opinion and I did care about what you thought." They wandered out of the bedroom and Kim made Adam a coffee. "It all made sense to me, you know." She handed him his coffee and curled up in the corner of the couch. "I was going to walk in there and show him that I didn't care about him, that he couldn't touch me anymore, that he didn't beat me. And for the most part that was true. I think while I was there that was definitely how it went down. Obviously once I left that's when it all started to crumble."
Adam grabbed her feet and rested them in his lap and with one hand he started rubbing her calves. "Going to work was dumb. I knew I was not in the right head space and it wasn't fair to Logan."
"He's okay, he's just worried about you."
"Don't get freaked out by that."
"I'm not. The difference there is he called me to let me know you weren't good. Guess what that other prick would have done?" Adam steadfastly refused to say his name. "He would have got in your head and screwed with you some more, although that all started off differently."
"Adam. It's not the same."
"I know." He held up his hand to stop her. "I know, but it might take me a little bit of time to get used to it. Forgive me if I freak out occasionally."
"This is hard isn't it?"
"It's not easy, that's for sure." Adam leant in towards her slightly. "Nothing good in life is. I think we've learnt that lesson."
"You know it's made me realise one thing, this whole damn saga." Kim looked at her hands before meeting Adam's steady gaze. "I now know what true love really is, I know what it feels like to be loved completely. I know where my heart lies." She could see a faint glistening of tears in Adam's eyes. He looked away quickly.
"Were you jealous of Roman, for working with me?"
"No, I just expected him to have your back and he seemed to and I trusted you implicitly. We've been over this." He was pissed because he knew that his was exactly what he expected to happen if she saw him again, that they would have to go over it all again. "I had to trust him but when we split up and I saw you two together and all cosy, yes I was jealous and I was angry. Up until then I actually thought he was a pretty stand up guy. How quickly he moved in on you though showed his true colours. I would never go after a buddy's ex, ever and certainly not a hot second after they split up."
"So if the shoe was on the other foot and I had split up with Roman and hooked up with you that would be okay, knowing what we know about how we feel about each other?" Kim chewed on her bottom lip.
"Would I have hit on you?"
Kim nodded and he looked thoughtful for a minute. "No."
"Really?" She wasn't sure if she believed him. "You would have let this undeniable chemistry we have go to waste?"
"Chemistry is an initial reaction, what we have now is built up over time. We built it up over months of being together. If you had been engaged to a mate it never would have had the chance to build because you would have been off limits. I'm not a rat. I think what he did was a dog act." The longer he spoke the more his hand started to twitch. He wasn't liking this conversation at all. He didn't know where it was going; he didn't want to know. "Stop trying to justify jumping into bed with Roman. Stop trying to justify his behaviour."
"I'm not. I've already explained what happened. I made the first move."
"You may have made the first move but only after he showed up at the theatre, after he screwed with your mind, after he spent months sowing seeds of doubts. If he had any morals at all he would have stayed away. It was a dog act, don't try and make me out to be the bad guy. I didn't push you into his arms. You went there yourself."
She pulled her legs from his lap angrily. "Look I'm tired. Are you staying?"
"Hey." He tugged on her hand as she went to stand up. "I love you, you know."
"Hmmm." She pulled her hand away and Adam sighed and let her go. He gave her half an hour before he came to bed.
"Today was rough." She whispered as he slipped his arm over her waist.
"I know baby."
"Thank you for being here. I love you so much Adam sometimes it still hurts to think about what happened between us. I feel guilty and I want to blame everyone else but it's my fault."
"Shh baby." Nuzzling her neck he spoke softly. "We took a few wrong turns but we are back on the right road now. That's all I care about."
Kim tossed and turned half the night and Adam had no idea what the time was when it woke him up. "What's wrong Burgess?"
She rolled over to face him; although the room was dark the weak light coming from through the open bedroom door enabled her to just make out the outline of his face. "I'm worried that I've let him come between us again."
He hadn't even opened his eyes as he added very matter of factly. "You need to make a choice Kim. Either let it come between us again or put it behind you. Forget about him. That's what I plan to do. It's your choice."
Without hesitation she felt for his face, running her fingers over his lips and followed it with a kiss. "I choose you."
"Good choice. Now sleep please."