AN: Sorry for the delay! I've gotten a new job and we are remodeling our dining room which has been all consuming.

I also had an alternative chapter almost 100% written and decided at the last minute that we weren't ready for that plot point. It'll show up later. :)

Something about this chapter felt really personal and raw. So I apologize if it's weirder than you expected. ;p

xoxo

Sun was bright in the halls one early spring morning while I was bringing silver place settings up with Gwen and a few other servants from the store room. We were approaching the feasts of Beltane in Camelot and preparations were in order. King Uther allowed the Druidic celebrations continue… with some serious censoring. King Uther's celebrations were about feasting on the last of the winter crop storage before the fresh crops were available. And, of course, breaking open the year's wine batch. Gwen and I spent the morning after serving Arthur and Morgana breakfast cleaning and polishing silver that we took from storage.

A few of the knights passed Gwen and I in the hall. They had been whispering until they saw us. "Morning," they greeted us with smiles and then continued on whispering as they went.

"Were they gossiping?" Gwen asked, looking back at the knights.

"Looks like it," I said and shook my head. It wasn't entirely unusual for the knights to gossip about court happenings.

"I wonder what it is," Gwen whispered scandalously.

"I much rather speculate than know," I laughed. "Let's imagine. Hmm… King Uther was seen… in the lower town with a woman!"

Gwen gasped and lightly slapped my arm. "Stop it, Merlin!" she giggled despite her first reaction. "You're going to get us both put in the stocks!" She paused. "Besides, it would most likely be about you and Arthur being too friendly."

I snapped her with the polishing towel. "Now you stop it!" I laughed with her as we continued on with our work.

Later that day, I was with Arthur in the stables. I was doing my chores of mucking out the stables and feeding the horses, while Arthur brushed down his horse. We were silent as we worked, occasionally Arthur would think of another thing for me to do that evening or tomorrow and let me know.

"Yeah, we'll meet an hour after the feast," a man's voice said accompanied by the clatter of two horses as they came into the stables.

"Is Leon- oh, good evening, sire," another man, a knight, said as he caught sight of Arthur.

"Is Leon what?" Arthur asked.

"Uh… is Leon going to the feast tomorrow?" the knight covered.

"He is," Arthur stated. "What is after the feast?"

"We were… going to gamble, sire. Play dice," the other knight said.

I narrowed my eyes at them. They were clearly lying, Arthur had to see that.

"Alright, have fun," Arthur said and turned back to his horse's mane.

The knights glanced at me as they tied their horses up. I was still stopped with the rake in my hand, looking at them suspiciously. They quickly exited when they were finished.

"They were lying, you know," I said to Arthur.

He sighed. "Yeah, I do. It's not the first time I've been excluded from things the knights do. It's not as fun to drink and gamble when the prince is there, I guess." He sounded so sad when he said it.

"Well, I'd surely want to play you in dice. You've got money," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Arthur chuckled. "Thanks, Merlin."

It happened again, the next day, the day of the Beltane feast. Arthur and I were down in the armory, getting him ready for training with the knights when Sir Leon and one of the knights from last night came in whispering.

"Bring some wine, we are going to need it," Sir Leon was whispering with a chuckle to the other knight. "And don't wear any armor or the crest."

I buckled Arthur's chest plate and looked up at him with raised eyebrows when we heard that last part. Arthur and I locked eyes and he looked more irritated than sad this time. He cleared his throat and I peered around Arthur to see the knights' reactions.

"Ready for some mace work, sire?" Sir Leon said as if he hadn't just been caught.

"Yeah, if you're ready to be knocked on your behind," Arthur taunted halfheartedly.

They trained for some time while I went along with my chores. But after they trained, Arthur ripped off his own armor and stormed up to his chambers. I caught up to him just before he slammed the door shut.

"Can I help you with something?" I asked, hesitantly.

"We're going to follow the knights tonight," Arthur said.

"We?"

"Yes, they're meeting up at the North edge of the forest an hour after the feast. They're not wearing armor or the crest, and they're bringing wine. I don't know what they are doing, but I'm going to show them that I can do it too and still be their leader," Arthur said and poured himself a goblet of water.

"And you want me to accompany you?" I asked, unsure.

"Why not?" Arthur questioned after downing his water. "And if you say it's not proper, then too bad."

I laughed. "No ,I just meant are you sure you want to be seen as equal and like a friend when you have your servant there?"

Arthur looked thoughtful as he peeled off his sweaty tunic and tossed it to me. "Or would I look more like a friend if I bring you to accompany me?"

"Oh, so I'd be your date," I joked as I put his sweaty tunic with the rest of his laundry.

"No, Merlin," he scolded as he tugged off his boots.

"I was only joking, sire," I laughed again. "But I would check that type of attitude with the knights."

He didn't respond with anything other than an annoyed look sent my way before he splashed water from a basin over his face and scrubbed away the sweat and dirt from the training field.

"I'll see you tonight at the feast," I said before exiting his chambers.

Gwen and I were assigned to serve the royal table dinner and drinks, so we had to wear our nicest dresses. I was finally going to wear the dress Gwen had sewn for me. I hadn't worn it to work as I was afraid it would get ruined. Later that afternoon, I dressed in the deep ruby red dress with my hair down but pulled to the side. My dark hair was wavy from being put in a braid so often and reached just above my elbow. I looked in the smudged mirror in my room and considered my appearance. While I certainly didn't look as beautiful and royal as Morgana, I looked pretty good for a maidservant. I slipped on my usual shoes, as they were all I had, and went to work. Gwen was wearing a lovely yellow dress and together we looked like flames.

"See? I told you a lower neckline wouldn't be too revealing," Gwen said as we walked together to gather Arthur and Morgana.

"It just doesn't feel natural to me. I sure hope I don't spill out while pouring the King's wine," I said and tugged at the top of my dress. I was being dramatic as the dress wasn't nearly that revealing, but it was fun to make Gwen laugh.

"Merlin! You say the most horrible things, I swear!" Gwen said laughing and holding on to my arm.

I knocked before entering Arthur's chambers. "Are you ready?" I asked him.

"Yeah," Arthur said turning to me from another treaty he'd been looking over the past few days. "New dress?"

"Yes, is it suitable?" I asked as I brushed crumbs from breakfast off the table and onto my hand to toss in the fireplace.

"I don't see why not," Arthur said. "But stay away from the knights after they've started on the wine."

"Is it that bad?" I asked and self consciously touched the neckline.

"I wouldn't say it's bad, necessarily," Arthur said.

"Oh."

"Was it time to go? Let's go then, don't want to be late," Arthur said and opened the door.

The feast began with a speech from Uther about the upcoming harvest and the coming tournaments and games for the season. Arthur raised his glass to toast his excitement for the activities of summer. Then the feast was served, and it was surely a feast. The food was what was left of the winter stock with the first few spring crops. Endless wine flowed for the nobles and servants were sneaking it in the kitchens. Gwen and I giggled, clutching our hands together and looking around for nobles as we secretly sipped at goblets of our own in the kitchen.

As the feast died down, the knights kept glancing at each other and grinning. They were definitely up to something. Arthur raised his eyebrows at me as the knights all stood up from their tables. After the knights left, Arthur excused himself as well.

"I'll meet you upstairs in a half hour," he whispered to me as he left.

Gwen was at my side in an instant as I cleared Arthur's place. "Excuse me, what was that?"

"I really don't know how to explain at this point. I'll find you tomorrow. But it's nothing that you think it is, Guinevere, so stop right there," I said and quickly took dishes to the kitchen.

I was still responsible for helping clean up the feast so I had to work quickly. I cleared up the space of Morgana, Arthur, and Uther while Gwen stripped the table linens. We both worked quickly so that I wouldn't be late to meet Arthur. When we were finished, we rewarded ourselves with a quick goblet of wine. The cook cursed at us when she caught sight of us drinking down our goblets. We laughed before I ran off to meet Arthur, leaving Gwen to apologize.

I rushed into Arthur's chambers without knocking and tripped over my dress skirts. Maybe that last goblet of wine was a little too much….

"Are you drunk?" Arthur asked with a scoff as he tugged on his hunting boots.

"Not much," I said and leaned against the table.

Arthur was wearing a white tunic and brown trousers with his hunting boots. Only a dagger was on his belt.

"You look… common?" I said in more of a question form.

"'Relatable' is the word I was going for," Arthur said.

"But the knights are nobles, they're not commoners," I pointed out.

"Is this too common, then?" Arthur asked.

"Nope," I said. But the wine was making me selfish, as I particularly liked that tunic on Arthur.

We set off into the forest, quite some ways behind the knights. We were quiet save my hiccups.

"Could you maybe not do that?" Arthur asked.

"Already tried," I said. Another hiccup.

"Hold your breath," Arthur suggested.

"I did that and they just waited," I said stomping over some branches. My new dress was going to get ruined. I just couldn't win.

"Did you try being scared?" he asked.

"I can't scare myself," I said with a giggle and a hiccup.

Arthur stopped walking and I bumped into him. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but after the feast Gaius fell into the well and died."

"That doesn't make me scared, it just makes me sad! Besides, he wouldn't be near the well anyways," I said and we started walking again.

Before either of us could speak again, I tripped on a branch, gasped, and fell. Arthur laughed and helped me up. It was a few second before I noticed: "Hey, my hiccups are gone!" I exclaimed a little too loudly.

That was when we noticed the sound of drums and smelled fire. "Stay close by," Arthur directed quietly.

We had been far enough behind the knights that they had to be already where the drums and fire were. It was a party in the woods and Arthur was determined to be a part of it. I couldn't blame him. He had been relatively isolated from his peers growing up and he didn't exactly get a normal social life as an adult. It was natural for him to want to fit in.

We quietly approached a clearing in the woods and crouched behind a bush. A large roaring fire was in the center of the clearing and people were all around it. A few farmers were directing a wildly running flock of sheep in a circle around the fire while people drummed and danced around the perimeter. A few women were serving what looked like wine in plain goblets to people who approached their table. Three bare chested women, heavy with children, were tying yellow primrose flowers into garlands and passing them to women who asked for one. Men and women alike danced to the beat of the drums with free movements unlike the choreographed dances of court. Everyone was laughing and shouting drinking and eating, and celebrating.

I wondered what was in the wine from the feast that was making me see this. I looked over to Arthur, who had also consumed his fair share of wine at dinner. He was staring wide eyed at the scene before us, his mouth hanging open.

Something about this display felt inviting to me. I wanted to join them and my magic itched to dance like them. I wanted to twirl in the smoke like they were doing. It made sense to me when I saw a man face the fire raise his arms into the air and the smoke took shape of the sheep that the farmers were directing back to the pasture beyond the fire.

Arthur gasped beside me and I saw his muscles stiffen. "They're Druids on Pendragon territory," he said.

"But they're not hurting anyone, Arthur. They're celebrating! Besides, I thought tonight you weren't a prince, you are a friend," I said as I looked around for the knights.

I spotted them at a further table with wine and food. They were talking amicably with the Druid people. I wondered how they knew about this celebration and how they decided to join. Arthur noticed them when I did. "They're over there," he said to me. Disappointment and betrayal heavy on his voice.

"They wanted to party, Arthur. You can't really blame them," I said.

"They're betraying my father," Arthur said harshly.

"They're having a drink at a festival. They're here to pick up girls," I laughed.

Arthur only glared.

"We can turn back and be angry, or we can have fun," I said, the wine and fire smoke making me feel bold.

Arthur hesitated, but I stepped out from behind the bush and joined. My body pulsed with magic and I stood proud before them.

The people around me smiled hesitantly but when they studied me for a moment, they relaxed. They must have sensed that I meant no harm or that I had magic, too. A woman in a plain dress but multiple flower garlands took my hand and led me closer to the fire. I turned back to where Arthur was still crouched and gestured for him to join me. He came out of the bushes, his eyes on the knights. They cheered and raised their goblets to Arthur and me in celebration. Arthur smiled and nodded to them. He looked happy and accepted. I grabbed his hand as the lady led me to get a garland of my own. A garland of fragrant flowers was placed over my head.

Arthur was pulled away by the knights and a woman smiled and said "Welcome, Emrys."

I wasn't sure if it was the drumming and singing and chanting that I couldn't hear them over. But, I said "My name is Merlin," to correct the woman.

She only smiled and patted my shoulder in response.

I followed Arthur to the wine table and we were both handed goblets. "Here's to fitting in!" I laughed and raised my glass to him.

After I finished my wine I wanted to dance. I let the smoke and drums carry me to where the people were dancing. I closed my eyes and let my magic guide me dancing. I was vaguely aware of swirling around and raising my arms and letting my hips swing. My magic hummed contentedly in my veins and I felt warm and peaceful. I smiled and opened my eyes after a few minutes of dancing. The knights and Arthur were watching me dance and I felt self conscious. I blushed and stopped dancing but a Druid man grabbed my hands and raised them above my head again. He was smiling and nodding as if I had been doing the right thing. I gestured for Arthur or some of the knights to join me. Most of them shook their head but Sir Leon laughingly pushed Arthur towards me. Arthur, not being one to back down, joined me by the dancers. I gripped his hands in mine and continued to sway to the drum beat. When he let go of my hands he imitated the dancing the men were doing. He wasn't good but he was trying. I smiled and twirled around him like I saw other women doing.

The heat from the fire was heavy and strong. My hair stuck to my neck and I was sure that I had sweat through my dress. Arthur's white tunic was stuck to him and his hair was plastered to his face.

I was thinking of taking a break from the dancing when the drum beat changed to a quick pulse. The people cheered loudly as a young, naked man ran out into the crowd. He was wearing nothing but a mask made of a deer face with huge antlers on his head. He crouched his knees and walked like he was hunting around the fire, going up to every woman. When he approached me, my heart beat fast with nerves and I looked to Arthur. He looked wary of this naked man and pulled me closer to his side by my arm. The man moved on until he found a young woman who was wearing another deer mask. She was also naked, save the mask.

I looked up to Arthur, wide eyed. He was watching the display with narrowed, unsure eyes. I was sure he would make us leave soon.

The two people in deer masks ran about the fire and surrounding woods. The man always chasing after the woman. My heart beat fast with the rapid pulse of the drums and the shouts and cheers of the Druids. My head spun like I was feverish as I turned about to watch the movement of the deer couple. The man reached out to the woman who jumped out of the way and over a bush. Her body glowed in the fire light, a sheen of sweat making her skin shine like stars. The man tilted his head back and let out an animalistic yell and lunged at her again. When the man caught the woman they tumbled out of sight into the woods. Most of the Druids ran after to watch the intimate display. My hand was over my mouth, covering my shocked open jaw. The drum beat returned to the beat it had before while we were dancing but I didn't want to dance any more. It was suddenly too hot by the fire and I felt sick from all of the wine. I didn't want to move for feeling dizzy and ill. My magic reached out on its own accord and the sky opened up and rain fell on us. The fire smoked but remained strong as if by magic. The people cheered and danced in the rain, rejuvenated.

Arthur noticed I wasn't feeling well and ushered me away from the fire towards the knights.

"Can you believe what just happened?" one of the knights asked.

"It's a fertility festival, after all," Sir Leon said with a laugh. "Did you two know that you just danced a fertility blessing dance?"

"We what?" Arthur asked incredulously.

"I think Merlin needs to go home," one of the knights said, I didn't see who.

Everything was too much for me. I had felt like I belonged with these people and then I witnessed something so private on display for anyone to see. It was then that I realized why so many of these Druids were bare and why they were using primrose and burning a holly bush. It frightened me that there was so much I didn't know and understand and it made me feel like I didn't belong with either the Druids or the people of Camelot. The wine sat in my stomach with the little bit of cured meat and bread I had eaten during the feast. I was sweating, despite the pouring cool rain. I tilted my head up to the rain and let the cool, fat drops wash over my face.

"Merlin," Arthur said. I opened my eyes. He was standing in front of me in his now transparent tunic, his hair wet on his forehead, and his blue eyes lit by the still blazing fire.

I wanted to cry and I couldn't tell him why. I felt dizzy with confusion. Were these my people? Was I most like them with their naked fertility rituals? It was a beautiful festival but it was new to me and frightening. Or was Arthur my people? With his hatred and fear of magic? But also with his see through shirt, muscles, and eyes that could melt stone? I was stuck in the middle with no end in sight. Conflicted in every way.

"You look like the sun," I said instead of crying. I wasn't wrong. Despite him being drenched with rain, firelight danced in his eyes, mimicking the swaying dance of the people behind me. Orange light reflected in his blonde hair making each strand look like a flame. His skin glowed in the fire light and he smiled at me. He was brighter than anything I had ever seen. I placed a steadying hand on his chest and he put a warm hand over it.

"And you look like the moon in a red dress," he said with a smile. "Let's get you home."

We said good bye to the knights and headed back through the forest to the castle. It had to be well after midnight by the time we made it back to the castle. We went up to Arthur's chambers. I wasn't entirely sure why I followed him as he was likely to not need anything. We were still drenched by the time we reached his chambers as the rain had followed us back to the castle.

I started the fire despite still feeling dizzy. I placed my primrose garland on the mantle as a decoration while Arthur changed behind the screen. He took an extra tunic out of his wardrobe. "Here. I don't care if it's not proper. Sleep in the antechamber tonight and dry your dress by the fire."

I wordlessly took the red tunic and changed behind the screen. The tunic smelled like Arthur's soap despite being clean. I inhaled deeply to take it in and realized how tired I was. Arthur sipped some water from a goblet as I hung my dress up before the fire. I was self conscious of my exposed legs despite the tunic reaching my knees. I was barefoot and barelegged and I thought of the fire and the naked Druids. I blushed.

He offered me his goblet, refilled with water. I thanked him and drank deeply.

"Arthur," I said as he was hanging up his own wet clothes.

"Hm?"

"Tonight I felt like just a girl with a boy. Not like a servant with her prince. It was… amazing. Thank you," I said, looking intently at the bottom of the goblet.

"And I felt like a regular man with a girl in a pretty dress. So, thank you, Merlin," Arthur said, looking at me, considering me.

"So that means tonight was a success?" I asked. "Do you think the knights see you as an equal?"

"Yeah, but I'm not sure if they'll ever let us forget that we danced in a fertility ritual," Arthur laughed.

"Oh, right. That did happen," I sighed.

"Good night, Merlin," Arthur said as stripped off his tunic and climbed shirtless into bed.

"Good night, Arthur," I said and exited to the dark antechamber. I didn't bring a candle with me since I laid down on the small cot and fell asleep immediately.