Hey, Butterflies! I'm hope you all enjoyed the last chapter! Here's Chapter 10: Any Ideas?
Disclaimer: The Secret Saturdays belongs to Jay Stephens and Cartoon Network.
Trigger Warning: Self harm, suicide, and abuse mentioned.
December 13th. The date imprints itself in my mind. One day since I read the letter, one day left to find the answer. I have all the pieces, so why is the puzzle not coming together? It just doesn't make sense. How do Drew's firesword and Doyle relate to the last clue? What even is the last clue? I have so many questions and so few answers. I have hurt myself so many times, but I don't recall ever escaping from anywhere multiple times. Ugh. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why did any of this have to happen? Why couldn't I have just been a normal child? Why did I have to be the host for my powers? Why did Dad have to work as a mercenary and Mom as a Secret Scientist? Why did both Drew and Dad have to sacrifice themselves?
A tear slips down my face, and several more follow. The tears burn my dry eyes. In that moment I realize something. This year has not been a good year; this life has not been a good life. I have no friends left besides my family. Lonely doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Lost, scared, confused, anguished, none of these words reach deep enough to truly describe how I feel. Lindsey was really my only friend as a child, but I was taken so young that I never got to make more friends. Munya, though sweet, is someone I see as almost a father figure than a friend. Naturally, the Secret Scientists aren't my friends, so that really leaves only the Saturdays. Only just recently have we heard from Ulraj, but we haven't heard from Wadi yet.
A hollowness fills my body and drowns me from the inside. This isn't a physical hollowness; rather it is an emotional hollowness that seems to always precede numbness. It's difficult to describe in words; when I try to explain it to myself, I say it is like taking a spoon and emptying an ice cream container until nothing but the container itself remains. It's a sad hollowness, the kind of hollowness that binds itself to an empty nest or abandoned building. It makes me feel like I'm not even human anymore. But what's far worse is that the hollowness never goes away, even when the other emotions or the numbness is present. It's like the other feelings and the numbness occupy only parts of my soul, and the hollowness occupies the rest. It's the kind of feeling that one can acknowledge but never understand without having experienced it oneself. That was why going to Dr. Cooper was so helpful; she understood how I felt, so she knew how to best treat me. I should probably start seeing her again; I don't remember why I ever stopped.
In that moment, I realize that my vision is blurry and that face is wet. I have been crying much harder than I thought. Yet somehow, I don't feel any better. I never seem to feel better after crying, and I can't figure out why. Really only cutting makes me feel better, but even that is losing its magic. What will happen once I can no longer find relief? Is that when I start taking drastic measures? Will that eventually lead to suicide? Truth be told, I don't want to die; I just want all this suffering to go away. My life has never been the idealized childhood, and the effects of that are obvious. Abuse does that to you. I can't help but to wonder how different I would be if I had had a normal upbringing. Would I be covered in self-inflicted scars? Would I have nightmares and flashbacks? Would I even be having this mental conversation with myself? I sigh and brush away my tears. No, I wouldn't. I'd be a normal, happy teenage girl living with my parents and anxiously awaiting the chance to be a big sister.
I stand up and step into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and note my tear stained cheeks, my blotchy face, and my red and puffy eyes. I'm going to take a nap; hopefully that helps with the pain and will maybe provide some answers.
In my dream, I am watching a familiar scene take place. It is the wedding I imagined Mom and Dad had since I missed theirs. In my dream, they chose a beach as their venue, and Dad is beaming at the end of the aisle as he waits for Mom to start walking down it. Two by two the bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down the aisle and take their places on their respective sides. Then the wedding march begins, and everyone rises. They turn to look at Mom. She is stunning in her white chiffon dress. Her hair is down and curled, very different from her typical bun with bangs. Mom floats down the aisle, and my parents tear up at the sight of each other. They exchange their vows. The officiant declares them husband and wife, and they kiss. Then they walk up the aisle holding hands. Dad leans over to Mom and whispers something.
"I love you, Miranda Grey."
"I love you too, Leonidas Van Rook," Mom whispers back. Then they squeeze each other's hand.
I wake from my nap some time later. To have had such a pleasant dream made a difference, and I feel better. Yes, I am still sad and lonely, but the dream brings a warm feeling, and this feeling exists simultaneously with the other emotions. I get out of bed, fix my hair, and go to the living room to discuss the latest clue with the others. Doyle suggests we call Wadi, or Zak's girlfriend as he calls her, and Zak perks up a bit. I don't see any harm in doing so. Doc and I go to make the call, and to our surprise, Wadi answers. We explain the situation, and she says she will be there as soon as she can. Doc offers to pick her up to make the trip shorter. They agree, and Doc sets off. Meanwhile, we wait here in Seward. The others and I try to brainstorm possible answers, but we reach no conclusive answers. Stars, why is this so hard?
Doc and Wadi arrive a little while later. After a brief catching up session, we all get down to business. Well, almost all of us. Zak seems so excited to be with Wadi that he can barely sit still. I hand Wadi the letter with Anonymous's latest clue. She reads the clue and thinks for a moment.
"Well, it seems like Anonymous is hinting at heat when they mention their wrath. If I had to bet, it's somewhere like a desert, the Equator, or somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. As for you injuring yourself, Lily, I assume Anonymous is talking about some kind of accident while escaping from somewhere. Sorry I couldn't help much more." But that was all we needed. I hug Wadi and thank her profusely for her help. The others seems confused. Rapidly, I explain to them my realization. However, I talk a little too quickly and fail to enunciate my words, so I end up getting blank stares from the others.
"Vraiment? Really?" I ask in disbelief. So I begin my revelation again and take my time explaining. I deliberately speak impossibly slow and open my mouth wide with each word just to annoy the others. I get a few irritated faces from the group. When I conclude my idea, the others seem to be complete understanding. The only catch: why would Drew be there?
We say goodbye to Wadi, but before she leaves, Zak gives Wadi a quick peck on the cheek. They both blush before Wadi returns the favor. Then Doc flies her home, and the rest of us stay behind to make a plan and try to piece together everything. We sit in the computer room for a long time and think. Komodo gets an idea.
So that's the end of Chapter 10! Butterflies, that is so hard to believe. This story has just flown by. I have enjoyed writing it, and I hope you all enjoy reading it. I'll have Chapter 11 up soon. Thank you all so much for reading! I love you all so much! Don't forget to follow, favorite, and review. Bye!