Oh, Crud – Chapter 3 – I Hate You
I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be,
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me,
I'm far away from home and I've been facing this alone
For much too long.
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me,
About growing up and what a struggle it would be,
In my tangled state of mind I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong…
…I was so wrong.
"I hate you"
An expression understood by many as a sign of hostility. An expression muttered under the pretense of silence. A phrase that could start a life-long feud or end a life-long friendship. Three words that could make or break a person. A string of words simple enough to understand but one that conceals an intricate weave of bittersweet emotional idiosyncrasy.
A phrase that clearly depicts rejection starts up a spark in a silver-haired shinobi's day.
A soft breeze.
A tangle of limbs.
A groan.
Kakashi Hatake padded through his flat and calmly took in the golden silence of the breaking dawn.
Rejection. He didn't take to rejection well. That is to say, he never got rejected in his life. Being the impassive bastard that he is, he never bothered to learn such trivial human emotions. Was it supposed to feel empty like a cold and deep hole seemed to take the place of your heart? Was it supposed to make you feel like barfing in the middle of the night and cry out all your bodily fluids? Was it going to leave a mark?
He never understood rejection.
He didn't understand a lot of things. He didn't understand why Naruto still searched for Sasuke all those years ago, rejected and despised by his friend. He didn't understand why his father took failure and the one-sided town hatred to his early self-appointed grave. He didn't understand why the fourth Hokage decided to go the way he did. He didn't understand why, of all people in the world, did Iruka make him feel like he was the most vile and repulsive piece of shit on this side of the planet.
To put it simply, it really sucks to feel this way. Kakashi pondered about these things while he was lying on his couch. It was about dawn and he knew that Iruka will still hate him when he wakes up. As if things weren't bad enough, Iruka's also going to have a fit when he finds out that Kakashi had let him sleep over. He could imagine the whole scene now.
"What were you thinking, letting me sleep over for the night? What would the parents think when they find out about this? I mean, half the shinobi population already knows, I don't want it spreading through Konoha. What am I gonna do when my students find out? Just what were you thinking?!"
Yes, this was Iruka. He always worried about others and thought about his well-being last. It was the perfect attitude that a shinobi could have but it the one thing that made Iruka so inefficient in the field. He was, at often times, taken advantage of just because he cared. He will stand up for the underdog and take in all the damage with a smile. It was self-sacrifice. It was the one thing that Kakashi treasured the most about him.
A sad smile crept up his face as bright morning sunlight poured through the gaps of his window shutters. What should he do once Iruka wakes up? Grovel? Nah, groveling was beneath him, it was for those sad nins who threw their life away. Assault Iruka and demand to be forgiven? Nah, that'd definitely make matters worse than it already is. How about…
…run away!
Running away could be good. People did it all the time. The avoidance could be attributed to self-preservation. It was the most logical thing to do when you're facing defeat with a chance for a counter attack.
However, to run away now would mean that all his efforts the day before will have been for naught. It was a sham. No, he was going to face Iruka. He was trained to face everything thrown at his direction from the moment he was born. Heck, he endured a crappy childhood, didn't he?
Also, being that he knew his lover well, he knew that Iruka would do the running once he wakes up. Today would be another challenge on him. A futile game of hide and seek and break hearts.
He stood up and slipped on his infamous mask. A faint smile could be seen beneath the mask as he sat up and fixed himself. He had a plan for tackling the predicament at hand. It was all or nothing.
Maa…time for breakfast.
He lay there quietly, completely aware where he was and what he was doing. He had total and absolute control of his senses and his reflexes haven't dulled. His mind was working fine even with the mild intoxication a few hours ago. Yeah, Iruka knew what he was doing.
"I wonder if he knows?" Iruka asked himself as he breathed out the last remnants of sleep and haze from his brain. It hurts but it wasn't the cheating which hurts him, it was the fact that he saw Kakashi's emotional barriers falter because of him. He loved and still loves the man after all.
Ah well, the die has been cast.
He rubbed a hand to his face and felt the slight stubble that had grown through the night. He felt like shit and he knew that he also looked like shit but he had other things to do. Namely, disappearing.
A blow of the wind.
A hurried note.
A chuunin out of bed.
A chuunin out of sight.
Kakashi knew that Iruka left. He felt it in the air and he knew that Iruka wanted him to feel it. For how long he intends to play this game of his, Kakashi doesn't know. The fact remains as such: that Umino Iruka was not coming back.
What had run through his mind two nights ago?
He walked into the sole room of his flat and on the bed he found what he was looking for. A note that he expected, neatly laid out for him had been waiting there. The bed radiated the last remnants of warmth that has encased Iruka as he slept. Kakashi felt it and yearned for it all the more now that it was denied him.
He unfolded the note, half expecting absolution, and read it.
K,
I'm done. Sorry for last night and everything else.
-I
That was it. Seven years broken in one night.
His mind itched. His chest heaved. All the faults he had over the years finally borne fruit and the fruit can only taste bitter and corrosive. In that morning, Hatake Kakashi cried for the first time in the last three decades of his sullen existence.
Sdasdadsadadadasdasdasda
Iruka slumped behind his apartment door. He was tired. His head ached. He still hadn't talked to Kakashi and it was all due to his own cowardice.
He now understood why he didn't want to go living with Kakashi when he offered all those years ago. It had been a matter of self-preservation for his part. He had anticipated the end right from the start. For all his faults, this is one of the things that now bore deeply into his chest and settled there with a vice-like grip. He had loved a man with a love that knew its own bounds. He had loved a man with a love that has already written its own end.
He couldn't fault Kakashi for sleeping with someone else. He knew the man didn't have any romantic feelings for anyone. Hell, he wasn't sure he even had feelings for Iruka now. Being that as it may, it only established the truth that Genma was nothing more than a one night stand. He was more of a balm to one of Kakashi's lonely night. Iruka wondered how many were there besides Genma. He wondered how many others warmed the man's bed during the times Iruka wasn't there.
As he thought about all those years with Kakashi, it seemed like a foolish partnership. Him, a chuunin then assigned to the academy and to the mission room, getting emotionally swept by the latest village Kage. The Hatake Kakashi jounin has now become a Hatake Kakashi hokage and Iruka has always been a sucker for the village kage. The whirlwind of a romance had started out as visits to the academy. The lunches spent there had become drinking sessions with other shinobi from their respective circles. The drinking became dinner with Naruto and company, always rowdy and always happy. Eventually, it had only been the two of them sprawled lazily in a single bed.
The hurt he felt now became more of a calculated pain. Logically, this was the downward spiral that he had anticipated right from the start. Logically, he should just be the accepting recipient of such news. Presently, he should be deciding a direct path for recuperation from whatever slump he was standing in now.
Iruka stood up and proceeded to fix himself. It was a weekday and he had a mission report to file. He had lesson plans to write. He had a pre-genin class to teach. He had a heart to mend.
He had a heart to end.
A/N: This may not have a happy ending after all.