A/N After neglecting you guys for such a long time, I somehow managed to write another chapter only days after writing the last one—well, let's just say Christmas markets and mulled wine inspire me to write, especially when it comes to my gays. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this little chapter—thank you for sticking around and for commenting; it truly always makes my day. To the one person who asked about Flora—I'm sorry to disappoint you, but if you read my author's note at the very beginning, you will see that this story takes place after Kate left Caroline and before they even had Flora, so there will not be any storyline connected to Flora as she does not exist in this universe. I'm sorry! I still hope you can enjoy this fic. Happy December, everyone! xx

CHAPTER 5

CAROLINE

Caroline hadn't heard from Jade for fifty-two hours—two days and four hours; it was almost 12a.m. and she couldn't believe that she was awake, that was awake because of a woman, because of someone who wasn't her children or herself—the only people she'd expect to be awake for. She was awake because of a woman, a woman she barely knew, but a woman who nonetheless had left a lasting impression on her. She hated when people said that love was a gift, that love was what everyone should strive for, because every time she had been in love, she had been disappointed—whether it was when she was barely twenty: when she had kissed a woman for the first time and suddenly everything had made sense; whether it was when she'd kissed Kate, in secret, just barely without her secretary noticing, or whether it was when she'd kissed Jade, so suddenly and unexpectedly—so out of her comfort zone—but yet she had, and she immediately sensed that it was more than compulsion, or obsession, or pure desire—it was something that exceeded desire, something that was almost impossible to comprehend, rare to find, and hard to keep.

In those moments, her marriage to John seemed almost ridiculous, preposterous—and with every time she kissed a woman, she regretted her choice to deny her identity for social acceptance and stability; she regretted that she had given more importance to such forces than to love, desire, and her own selfhood. In a way, she was proud of herself—how long it had taken her to get to this place—but then, in times like these, she was reminded of the hardships that come with actually being in love, or being close to being in love—the anxieties, the efforts, the pains. But after all, wasn't it worth it? She still hadn't figured it out, and it still puzzled her.

She'd thought about texting Jade, but she also wanted to let her have some space. Right after Jade had disappeared, Caroline had followed her, but any attempts to connect to Jade like she had in that classroom had failed.

"Stay, please," she remembers herself saying. But Jade didn't stay, and it almost was like Kate all over again—Jade's cab came, and she was gone, and Caroline was left alone, the freshness of hope still resounding in her heart and floating out of her body, as if a wound had just been opened and blood began to run out, leaving her body weak and changed.

Before she could realize what had happened, Jade was gone, and Caroline was left with her feelings, the heat of her body, and the hope of new love, gone. And now she had this whole weekend to herself, with William being in college and Lawrence being busy with his sports matches, and she had to spend them on her own, left to herself and her thoughts. How much she'd rather have a woman next to her, to drown out her thoughts and fill them with love or desire or sex—anything to make this absence of noise and bodies go away.

JADE

With every new time she pressed the needle to her skin and pushed it in—just so it hurt enough, but not outside of her control—with every time she felt the rush as soon as her veins began to fill with more than blood; with every time she felt herself coming down, crashing, she promised herself that she would stop—that she would replace this love affair for another, that she would put herself first.

She ridiculed herself for thinking any new relationship could ever work; after all, she already had a lover—a very demanding one, one that gave her the best and the worst of times, one that would consume her whole life, so how could she ever let someone else in?

After all of those years, Jade still didn't know whether she took heroine because she hated or because she loved herself—was it to exceed all of her possibilities, or was it to hide her insecurities?

When she'd started her new position at the school, she'd promised herself to quit—but she also knew herself very well, and she knew that she'd promised to quit about a dozen times, and she never had. At times she realized how absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible she was being—she had just accepted a new job, teaching adolescents, and making a special effort to keeping LGBTQ folks off the streets, and yet she there she was, giving way to addiction, accepting the pressure of being a gay woman, letting something else control her life. What was choice, after all? Was it admitting to love who you love, or was it complying with your addictions?

As she felt the familiar rush, these questions vanished from her head, and she was able to lie back completely thoughtlessly, trying to leave her body just enough to escape all of the things that she was scared of.

CAROLINE

By the time it was Monday, Caroline could barely stand the anticipation—she knew her schedule was busy, but she was determined to make time to see Jade, whether it was intentionally or her pretending it was by accident; she was the head teacher, after all, and she could walk into any classroom without legitimate reasons whenever she wanted—at least that was what she told herself.

She almost felt bad that she was glad that her mother and Alan had had to postpone their trip to Harrogate—Gillian had had to work unexpectedly, and Raff had needed someone to babysit, and since the two of them were very fond of Calamity—as they liked to call her—they'd decided to stay in Halifax and come around the following weekend. After what had happened last Thursday, she was glad that no one had really been at the house to bother her—as much as she'd liked to pretend that she was the strong, independent woman who had her shit together, she appreciated the time she had to herself, when she was allowed to fall apart without anybody noticing.

In the end, she decided to use her authority and make the situation easy for herself—she would simply call Jade in for a meeting, to discuss Pride week. Although she secretly knew this wasn't completely professional, she tried not to care—after all, wasn't that what men had been doing for centuries, using their authority to benefit themselves personally?

"Ms. Bishop is here," her secretary's soft voice warned her while she was sitting in her office, pretending to get work done although she was a nervous wreck, merely re-reading the same documents over and over again in order to disguise her lack of productivity.

"Yes, thank you. Bring her in," Caroline said quietly, carefully readjusting her bangs and trying to sit as casually as possible.

Caroline immediately felt her heart stop and her stomach turn when Jade came in—her blonde hair, her feminine figure, her blue eyes and cheek-bone accentuated smile—but she tried to seem as authoritative as possible and continued to remind herself that she was the boss.

"Hey," Jade said, softly, "I was told you wanted to see me."

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Pride week," Caroline said in an attempt to sound professional.

When Jade didn't respond, Caroline gestured for her to sit down and so she did—the way she casually descended into the chair, folding her legs and bracing her arm on the chair, made her seem so confident and sexy that Caroline almost forgot the sentences she'd intended to say and had practiced over and over again all morning.

"So I talked to the board and although not all of the members were delighted, they gave me—well, us—permission. I convinced them that it, uh, was essential to the diversity of the school. I used all of the standard sentences to push liberal events, you know."

Caroline's insecurities rose when Jade didn't reply right away, and her body relaxed as soon as she heard words fall from Jade's mouth.

"That's great; thank you so much."

Now there was an unbearable silence between them; neither of them knew what to say, although both of them wanted to say so much.

"Anything else?" Jade inquired, and Caroline realized that Jade's position from when they last saw hadn't changed much and that she had to initiate something herself, or this short meeting would be over before she knew it.

"Yes. Actually, I wanted to ask you whether you'd like to pop around for dinner next Saturday. My—Lawrence and William will be out, and I'd been wanting to try this new recipe for—anyways, I'd been wondering whether you'd like to—"

Caroline choked up when Jade looked down, and she didn't know what else to add without sounding clumsy or needy—or both—and so she just closed her lips for what seemed like hours, when she later realized it could only have been seconds.

"Next Saturday, well—I don't know if I—I'll have to—," Jade stammered, and before she could say anything else, Caroline forced herself to follow up.

"Just a casual evening; I—just some food and some wine—and I'll drive you home whenever you want to go."

"You don't—I mean, I—"

"Jade, please," Caroline said suddenly and sincerely, and she hoped that Jade realized how much Caroline wanted this date, and possibly a new chance, and while she hoped that her words conveyed her sincerity, she nervously scratched her right ring finger, trying to preoccupy herself while waiting for a response.

"I—I just wanna talk and I—I really enjoyed dinner last week."

Jade simply looked up, and for a few seconds the two women just stared into each other's eyes; with each second desire became more unbearable for Caroline, and she hoped Jade would get up and kiss her for hours, but instead the two just sat there, their bodies tense and their breathing controlled.

"Saturday should work. If something comes up, I'll let you know," Jade said concisely and distantly, and she got up faster than Caroline's gaze could follow her.

"Yeah—yeah, absolutely," was the only thing that Caroline was able to stammer, still being confused by the absurdity of the situation and Jade's unexpected answer, and before she could realize what had happened, Jade had left, only leaving the ghost image of a weak smile when she made her way out of the door.

It was only then that Caroline realized what had happened, and it was only then that she realized she had yet to tell Jade about her mother and Alan coming to dinner, and inform them about her new colleague—acquaintance, lady friend, girlfriend?—well, whatever Jade was. Suddenly, regrets overcame her body, and the first-perceived victory transformed into an intense insecurity and a fear of what was yet to happen.

TBC