"So," Sirius begins, cigarette smoke curling towards the sky.

"So," James echoes, eyes focused on distant stars.

There's something like ice, cold and heavy, taking residence in Sirius' stomach, slowly spreading out through his veins, filling his every pore. He keeps seeing James, not the James beside him, but the one from the last raid, ash in his hair, Death Eater curses lighting his face. He sees that James leaping sideways, shoulder pushing hard into Sirius' chest, shoving him out of the way of a streak of silver light. He sees James hit in the gut, sees him bend over backwards and sag like a rag doll. He sees James lying in the McKinnons' basement (their makeshift hospital), face gray and eyes closed.

"I'm not dead Sirius," James murmurs, pulls Sirius out of real life nightmares. Sirius startles and looks at James again, the present, perfectly okay James, outlined by moonlight.

"You could've been," he retorts, too harsh but there's still that moment when James is motionless in his arms and Sirius thinks his world has ended. He can feel it beating against his ribs, carved deep into his bones.

"We're in a war," James points out, his patient tone digging under Sirius' skin. He still isn't okay, hasn't gotten over what happened and he lashes out like always, except this time, for the first time, he lashes out at James.

"Yeah and you just had to be the hero, didn't you?" Sirius snaps, voice ugly and he hates himself but can't stop, because he's still trapped in that moment, the one where he thinks James has died.

James sighs heavily and Sirius bristles, wants to strike out at him, wants to hold him close.

"Sirius..." he starts but Sirius is a runaway train, couldn't stop even if he wanted to.

"It's always about you, isn't it? Always have to be the fucking star, always saving the day." Sirius has never spoken to James like this, never been so bitter and furious. But then, he's never quite felt like this either, like there was poison pulsing through his veins instead of blood.

James jumps neatly off the short wall he'd been sitting on, turns towards Sirius and his eyes catch the moonlight, flash big and bright.

"Sirius, listen. You can pitch as much of a fit as you want, but I'm always going to risk my life for yours." Sirius wants to interrupt, to protest but James takes firm hold of his shoulders, looks straight in his eyes. "You're my best mate and I'd die for you in a heartbeat. That's never gunna change." His voice is firm, sincere and Sirius feels a thousand emotions crash around inside him.

"But...but what if..." he can't finish the thought but James grins, gives his shoulders a squeeze.

"I'm not worried. I've got your back and I know you've got mine. Right?"

Sirius nods, feels the venom start to recede from his veins.

I'll keep you safe, I promise

"Right," he agrees, voice a bit wobbly.

"See? You, me, Moony and Wormtail, we're gunna be okay. I trust you guys, more than anything and I know we're going to make it out of this okay. There's a whole new world waiting on the other side of this war and I can't wait for us to see it. Together."

Sirius takes a deep breath, lets the warmth of James' smile burn him back to life.

We're gunna make it

There's always been something in James' steady presence, something that makes Sirius believe in the impossible.

And as they stand side by side, shoulder to shoulder, looking up at the sky, Sirius believes.

Together