Chapter 9: Solicitude

Drake's POV

JJ gushed about Reggie via text for longer than I could deal with, so my responses became short and guarded. I wanted to be supportive of him, not necessarily of the relationship, but of him. I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me without judgement. It became more and more difficult for me to give off that vibe as he told me more about how his evening with Reggie went. Apparently, Reggie had been very nice compared to the night before. But the details about his proclivities still disturbed me. I understand having kinks and having different kinds of relationship structures, but there was too much ambiguity around Reggie's ability to control himself. It was not as easy for me to forgive him as it was for JJ. He didn't deserve the forgiveness he got as far as I was concerned, but there wasn't much I could do. At least not without sitting him down and having a talk with him. If I did that, I could at least show him I was keeping an eye on him, it would let him know to proceed with caution.

I rubbed a thumb over one of my scars and thought about the security I would feel, being able to look Reggie in the eye and gain some form of respect from him. That was something I could never have gotten from my father, at least, before- I shook myself away from those thoughts as another message came through from JJ. A part of me wanted to invite him over and let him fall asleep next to me again.

So I knew he was safe, of course.

Reggie had gone home to his family, so there was nothing keeping JJ tied to his apartment tonight, no reason he shouldn't come over. I re-read the message three times before I processed that it was more praise about Reggie. I sent another short response and set my phone down, closing my eyes. I tucked my fingertips under the waistband of my pajama pants and thought about JJ laying across my pillow, how soft his lips had felt when I had dared to lean over him. In my fantasy the kiss woke him fully, and he wasn't displeased. He held my face in his hands, he kissed me back, I pressed myself against his thigh- I opened my eyes, surprised by the physiological reaction I had at the thought. My hand slid further into my pants and I took a firm, if unsure, grip on my stiffening member.

Of all the times I had thought of JJ affectionately, or maybe somewhat romantically, I had never gotten this hard before. I stared at the ceiling and slowly came to the understanding within myself that no one would ever have to know about this. I shut my eyes again, bringing up where I had left off in the fantasy.

JJ slid a leg up mine to rest with his knee up by my hip. I could practically feel the fabric bunching under my hand as I slid it up that raised thigh. In reality, I moved my empty hand over my own leg, simulating both his knee moving up and the feel of him under my hand. He was just a little slimmer than me, and I could practically feel his firm muscles. I stroked myself slowly, imagining he might take initiative and touch me. His soft voice was in my ear, inquisitive and playful, his breath on my neck. The hand on my thigh moved up my body, I let it drift across my stomach, up over my chest, my neck, tenderly, as if JJ felt something for me. Imagining his lips wasn't good enough anymore so I rubbed my lips, letting my fingers slip between them so I could pretend, I don't know, maybe he was kissing me, maybe it was his fingers or-

The hand on my cock froze when I noticed I hadn't gone limp imagining that part of him in my mouth. If anything, it turned me on more, which confused me. I had never thought about fooling around with men before, especially not this specifically, it had never interested me. But when I pictured it with JJ it filled me with a welcome feeling of calm acceptance, it felt so comfortable, so natural. I pushed my fingers deeper into my mouth, sucking and lapping around and between them, tugging on myself.

JJ rolled onto his stomach and I flipped over to pull a pillow under me as if it were him and kicked my pants off. I hadn't used pillows like this since high school. It was fitting, since it felt like I was re-discovering my sexuality. I held myself up on one elbow, pressed my forehead down into my forearm, letting my chest and stomach brush the pillow for the sensation of closeness. In that position I could keep stroking myself while I pictured JJ under me. I could see him arching his back and pushing himself back against me, offering himself up for me to push deep into him. I tightened my grip on myself, remembering back to the girls who had let me do this to them. Before long I was grinding into my hand, gasping, sweating. I rolled onto my back once more as I neared orgasm, letting the sweat that had gathered on my chest chill me as it dried in the cool air of my apartment. I squeezed my eyes shut, picturing him riding me like woman would. Thinking of him like that, vulnerable yet in control, enjoying how it felt to have me inside of him, it was working fantastically for me. I longed to feel his skin against mine, his thighs on either sides of my hips, I longed to see the sexy smirk I envisioned on his lips. My chest tightened and I moaned softly as I came. The sounds I could practically hear him make as he came himself echoed in my ears even after the puddle on my stomach began to cool.

I carefully pulled the pillowcase off the pillow I had used in order to wipe myself clean, and tossed it toward the pile of laundry I had meant to do, but hadn't. As I lay in my afterglow I could feel myself sinking into a vast pit of loneliness. All I wanted was to be held by him. The tears came without sobs, just a few quick streams that ran back into my hair. Reaching for my phone, I let out a long sigh, preparing to read more about JJ and Reggie hooking up.

Nothing like reading the details of someone else fucking the closest person you have to a romantic partner to make you feel absolutely worthless.

JJ must have finally taken the hint that I wasn't very comfortable with his idyllic venting, because after my unintentional silence in response to his last long message, he had sent a sheepish Anyway, how was your night after I left?

Boring. I sent. I left not long after, I wanted to be able to hear my phone in case you needed me. I sent. Since Dee had left too, it got a little lonely. I hesitated and added lol before sending. I didn't want to come off as needy, even if that was exactly how I felt.

Sorry I bolted so fast was his response. When you're with someone who's taken you kind of have to bend to their schedule. Before I could word an answer a late lol of his own came through. I stared at it for a moment, weighed down by the sadness I knew I couldn't have just been projecting onto the short text.

I recalled the last time a married man had toyed with him and how depressed and complacent he became, always being second. He had been constantly tossed aside and treated like a dirty little secret, but at least that guy had never put his hands on him. It pained me to know that days or even weeks would pass, JJ's face would heal, they would continue their affair, and eventually I would get the next call. Considering the brutality of the first one, I was already dreading the next.

I understand. I finally responded when I realized a couple minutes had already passed and I didn't want to stop talking for the night yet. What are you up to now? I sent, then typed out Do you want me to come over? I deleted it, and wrote Do you want some company? deleted it again, then wrote and sent Were you planning on going to bed soon?

Maybe. I should probably eat first. I resisted the urge to offer to bring him something.

Do you want to talk on the phone before you crash? I asked instead.

Sure, one sec.

I waited. It took a few minutes for my phone to ring, and I picked up immediately.

"Hey" I said.

"Hi." he returned. It was quiet except for what sounded like the whir of the microwave on his end, and I regretted asking to talk. I had nothing substantial to say, and I felt vulnerable talking to him while I was naked in my bed. Even more so after thinking about him while masturbating.

"Making dinner?" I asked dumbly.

"Yeah, just heating something up."

"Ah, cool." It fell silent and I pulled my sheets up so I didn't have to think about my nakedness.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier." JJ said softly. "I know this kind of thing really gets to you."

"It's okay." I jumped to say. "I would rather be here as an ear than leave you without anyone to talk to. Even though, you know, I worry about you."

"I know you do, Drakey. You're so sweet." His food beeped and I listened while he shuffled around and plated it.

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay." I told him, and I could feel my fear of my own identity crisis swell and shrink as I debated the next thing I wanted to say. "You know you mean a lot to me, JJ. You're the closest person to me." A wave of nausea followed that seemingly tame confession. JJ was quiet again and it made the nausea worse. "I mean, it's not like I'm dependent on you or anything-" I defended.

"No, I know what you mean. And I appreciate it. I really do. Especially with your past, I know it can't be easy-"

"If it's used for anything, I'd want my history to be helpful to you. Maybe that's why I've been so vocal about all this, because I know what it's like not to have anyone while you're in the fray. I know there's a lot of shame surrounding these situations, so it's even harder to talk about. I don't care that it makes me a little uncomfortable. I will be here for you because your safety is more important."

"Thank you so much, Drake. I think it will get better from here, but thank you for telling me. It makes me feel much safer knowing I can still come to you."

"Of course." His voice was so soft and sweet, I couldn't imagine getting angry enough to yell at him, much less get physical with him.

"I should eat before it gets cold." he said gently.

"Yeah, please. Eat. Get some rest, I'll see you in the morning. Oh, was it okay that I asked Dee to take a look at our case, and give us some pointers?"

"Oh. Well, I guess fresh eyes couldn't hurt." He sounded a little put-off, which was probably the pride he took in his work taking a hit.

"I hadn't really planned on asking him, but we've been so stuck. Eye candy for a while though, right?"

"Right." he answered. It was wrong of me to try to reintroduce Dee into his orbit, even as just a visual distraction, but it was already done. It was supposed to give me more of an opportunity to talk to Dee about what was going on with JJ, but after he shut me down so thoroughly tonight, it didn't seem likely. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

We hung up after sparse goodbyes, and everything felt wrong enough to keep me awake. I played mindless games on my phone in the dark for twenty minutes or so before I got another text from JJ.

Goodnight, Drakey. You really mean a lot to me too.

Goodnight JJ. I typed out then added a smiley face, and sent it. The stupid butterflies rang through my chest and stomach. My hands shook from the implications, however subtle, that had probably seeped out through the smiley. I waited for a teasing text making jokes about me being straight and expressing if-onlys. They never came. JJ had accepted the smiley without feeling the need to point out the ordinarily flirty mode of expression. I let out a relieved breath and set my phone back down so I could roll over, wrap my arms around the naked pillow/JJ stand-in, and fall asleep.

The next morning JJ was in a much more sociable mood. He talked more, smiled more, and was able to focus on work again. If I didn't know it was bound to be short-lived, it would have put me at ease. He appeared to be receiving texts from Reggie, and it seemed positive.

I wondered what kind of job Reggie had that allowed him to text so frequently, and even send lewd pictures as far I could tell. Speaking of work, I glanced toward Ryo and Dee's desk. Dee wasn't in, it was a few hours into our shift already, and he hadn't shown up. Ryo, meanwhile, was speeding through paperwork like I had never seen. While JJ was distracted by his phone, I drifted over to Ryo's desk, pulling up a chair to sit next to him so I could speak quietly.

"Hey, where's Dee today?" I started, seating myself close to him.

Ryo jumped and laughed, startled by me. I guess he hadn't noticed me setting up the chair.

"He drank too much last night. Trust me, I'm going to personally thank James for his hospitality." He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to put his pen down or continue working. He opted to give me his full attention.

"James?" I asked, "Dee was buying the drinks last night."

"This was later, once I got there. I didn't see you, maybe you had already gone home?" He puzzled for a minute and I nodded.

"Yeah, I left because he had left, then JJ left, and I didn't feel up to staying." I answered softly. I didn't want to expose that I was waiting on JJ to contact me if things got out of hands with Reggie.

"Oh, okay. I guess he came back to meet me once I left work." Ryo shrugged. "But James ended up buying him a bunch of drinks and I really had my work cut out for me once I managed to get Dee home, so he's sleeping it off, and I get to pick up the slack." He shrugged and let out a short breath.

"That's so nice of you." I laughed, amazed at his devotion.

"The things you do for love." Ryo answered wistfully. "Were you looking for him?"

"Yeah, I had asked him last night if he could take a look at our case. He said he would."

"Oh, he'll be in a little later, I set alarms for him. He should be in around noon or one at the latest."

"Okay, good. I was worried he might not be making it in today." I paused and threaded my fingers together, questions on the tip of my tongue that I couldn't quite get out.

"Did you want me to have to look, since he's not here yet?" Ryo asked, getting ready to stand and follow me to my desk.

"No," I answered quickly, "No, you've got plenty on your plate, but I do have a few questions to ask you."

"Alright." He spun his chair to give me even more of his attention and I suddenly felt like I had put myself on the spot.

"It's kind of personal." I shifted in my seat. "And it's kind of hard for me to talk about." Ryo leaned forward slightly, lacing his own fingers, which made me loosen mine self-consciously. I wiped my sweaty palms down my thighs.

"Do you want to go somewhere quieter?" he asked seriously. "Break room?" I nodded, and we both stood to head toward the break room together. I stopped at JJ's desk to ask if he wanted anything.

"I'm fine." he smiled over his nearly full cup and I swooned, my knees nearly buckled at his one slightly arched brow. So I left him to text Reggie and fiddle with his pens. Ryo poured us each a cup of coffee and we sat in a quiet corner.

"So, what did you need to talk about?" Ryo asked, intensely and genuinely invested in me. It was intimidating.

"I wanted to ask about-" I froze, suddenly unsure of myself. "When you and Dee were first partnered together-" I got anxious thinking about what their first kiss might have been like. "Okay." I breathed. "How did you cope with realizing that you-" I choked and sipped my coffee quickly. "With realizing that you might not be straight?" I bit my lip and tried to look only half as concerned as I actually was.

"Oh!" Ryo sat back, confused and surprised. "Well, it wasn't all at once." He thought for a moment, head tilted, eyes distant. "It did take a couple years. We worked so closely, and lord knows he's a persistent guy. He spent a lot of time coming onto me, kind of forcefully, to be honest. But after a while I didn't really mind him kissing me. I started kissing him back." He seemed to reminisce for another moment. "Being physical was the next logical step. We both felt the same and once I got past my own hang-ups around him being a man, it just felt right. It's just bodies, what really matters is that we love each other and that we are meant to be together. Soulmates, If you believe in that kind of thing."

"So, how did you let him know about your feelings?" I asked. "How did you let him know that they had changed, and that you wanted to be with him," I cleared my throat uneasily, "uh, romantically?"

Ryo struggled with how to say it, then leaned forward and lowered his voice a little.

"I let him have his way with me like he had wanted since we met." He sipped from his own mug and left his eyes downcast. "Before that I was mostly just going along with the kissing. But he wanted more from me. Not like- I mean, emotionally. And we had been so cose for so long, then, I don't know, something clicked. I realized that I felt the same way about him, and physically-" He blushed and fumbled over his words, "Being intimate with another man was completely new to me, but he was gentle and mindful. At least, the first time he was. But we worked things out, let it happen organically. I mean, there were bumps in the road, like with any couple, but I think we're finally hitting smooth sailing." He was being more forthcoming than I had expected.

"Did being interested and involved with him change your performance at work? Did it distract you or him from doing what you need to? Or even make you ignore your training entirely, and maybe putting each other in more danger by doing so?" I knew I was starting to come off as a little strange, if not manic. But, I needed answers.

"We both ignored protocoI a few times, yes." Ryo seemed taken aback by my anxious and sharp manner of speech, but it made him no less verbose in his responses. "But ultimately we've done the best we can for each other. I think it's actually made us a better team."

"What exactly were the hang-ups you mentioned?" I asked, trying to find a connection to my own problem.

"Well, sex mostly." He stared at me until I started feeling uncomfortable enough to look away. "I don't now if this is appropriate work-talk." he finally said, "What is this about?" I sighed, knowing I would have to confess.

"Alright. I have a thing for someone, but it's kind of complicated." I mumbled.

"Really? Well, good! It's been a while since you put yourself out there." Ryo smiled and leaned across the table to pat one of my hands. "Who is it, do I know them?"

"Yes." My mouth was dry and the coffee wasn't helping.

"So, who is it?" he asked excitedly. There was no stopping it. The only way he would fully understand would be to tell the truth. He would know if I didn't. I rubbed the back of my neck and averted my eyes.

"JJ." I muttered.

"JJ? Really? That's fantastic!" His initial energy quickly evaporated and he looked over me quizzically. "Oh, that is complicated. He has a boyfriend now. Have you thought about telling him?"

"Every day for the past month or so." I responded guiltily. Ryo frowned and touched my hands again.

"That must be hard for you. Especially with his new relationship."

"It is." I grunted, "And sometimes it's almost like he knows, he gives me looks. He doesn't get weird about it if I'm more affectionate than just friends would be, but he dismisses it because I'm straight."

"Are you straight, Drake?" Ryo gave me a soft smile full of understanding and patience. "Maybe that's a bad place to start. So, you have 'a thing' for him. What does that constitute, for you?" I thought about JJ curled up in my bed, brushing his hair off his forehead, kissing him, making dinner for him. I was too embarrassed to say them out loud, and Ryo read that. "Is this a sex thing? Do you just want to try it, and since he's gay, and you spend a lot of time together-"

"No, it's definitely not." I interrupted. "I've only really thought about that once." I blushed, startled that I had admitted to that, and crossed my arms. "I want to have him around, I want to take care of him, I don't know." Ryo nodded and gestured for me to keep going. "Maybe I think of kissing him sometimes. And playing with his hair." Ryo's grin could have split his face in half, and he nodded more eagerly. "I want to cuddle with him and cook him dinner. Can we stop talking about it now?"

"Oh gosh, Drake, you're adorable." He laughed and leaned his elbows on the able between us. "We can stop talking about it, but you know you can talk to me about it whenever you want. It's so cute."

"Just don't tell anyone. I'm trying to figure everything out on my own time, I don't need anyone spilling to JJ and putting pressure on me to act on it or something."

"I swear, not a word." He zipped his lips.

"Thank you." We sat in comfortable silence for a minute. I frowned Before speaking again. "I just don't know what to do about it now that he's involved with someone. And I do not like this Reggie guy. JJ doesn't seem to want me to even meet him, and that really sucks because it feels like he's keeping me at arms length more now. It hurts."

"Wow, you've really got it bad for him, don't you?" He half-smirked. "Hey, speaking of JJ-" he leaned still closer. "I don't want to seem nosy, but JJ didn't really get into a bar fight, did he?" His tone was serious and level. For someone who came off as somewhat air-headed, Ryo was an astute detective.

"No. He didn't get into a bar fight. Reggie, did that to him. Don't spread that either. I've only mentioned it to Dee."

"Of course, that's immensely personal. I can understand why you feel the need to take care of him." Ryo's brows knotted with concern. "But, you've got me now, if you have any questions or need support or anything. You can reach out to me." He smiled and leaned back again. "God, he could really use someone like you." he said softly. I blushed again and focused on draining more of the coffee he had poured me.

"I've been thinking about following them and confronting Reggie when he's leaving JJ's place." I conceded.

"Oh, sneaky! I didn't think you'd be the type to get so Noir about it." He leaned in and smirked causally. "I don't exactly support stalking, but I'm sure there are other ways to get to the guy." He shrugged. "I mean, JJ has his phone number. How hard could it be?" He raised his eyebrows at me and stood to refill his coffee.

What did that mean? It took me a few moments of puzzling to gather what he might have been suggesting. It certainly wasn't something I had expected from Ryo. But how would I get to JJ's phone? He was practically glued to it, waiting on Reggie's responses. Maybe I would have to be even more 'Noir.' Just as he was about to sit across from me again, Ryo's phone went off, and he took the call. A tip on his case, so he left. I stared down into my coffee, hatching and sorting out what I would do once I got a hold of Reggie's number.

AN: Thank you for your patience, sorry it isn't longer, I have a lot of personal stuff going on atm. Will be trying to work on this more.