Day by day, a long time passed since Tom Barkley had made his home with Leah Thomson in the little cabin the young woman shared with Hannah James. He had arrived beaten, broken and half dead but now he was once again the strong, healthy man who had left his wife and children in Stockton months ago. His leg was still a little stiff, but he could ride.
Day by day, precious moment by precious moment, their love had grown, but Leah knew Tom would soon leave.
She knew that because Tom was restless. She knew that because he was worried, his concern deepening with each passing day.
Sitting alone on the porch swing, where they had kissed for the first time, Leah was watching the sunrise. The smile that appeared on her lips wasn't the one Tom had fallen in love with, the one able to light up her eyes. This one was a sad, bitter smile. How ironic: the sun was rising, but her own sun was inexorably setting. Tom Barkley, the one man who spread light and warmth in her life.
Tom was the only man she had ever loved and the only one she would. The pain for the loss that was already real in her heart filled her eyes. She blinked and let the tear drops come down her cheeks and over her lips. She captured one with the tip of her tongue. She absently noticed it was salty. Some of them got caught in her long lashes, causing her vision to blur. She retrieved her handkerchief from inside her sleeve and used it to dry her eyes and her flushed cheeks. Tom wouldn't see her cry.
Suddenly, another thought crossed her mind. This time there it was, the smile Tom so much cherished. It reached her eyes, and a little sound escaped her lips, a moan of joy.
Leah had a secret.
The sound of what she had learned to discern as Tom's characteristic step came from the room they had shared, across the little cabin and toward her. Those steps were different, yet, they sounded definitive. Leah didn't turn, nor gave Tom any clue that she was aware of his presence. From behind, he lightly kissed the side of her neck, there near her little, perfect ear savoring the sensation that brushing his lips on her silky skin gave him, savoring the smell of flowers in her hair. She smiled and turned her face to lightly kiss him on his lips as he bent toward her.
"Take a seat Tom, here beside me", she said, no more trace of tears on her joyful face.
Tom went around her and sat down with a tentative smile on his face. With his heart broken he braced himself to break hers too. He had survived from drowning but now consumed with guilt he was feeling like he was still there, under the surface, enveloped by the cold black waters, wishing he could stop fighting, surrender and forget about himself. In another life, in another time, he would have certainly married Leah. But now it was this life and this time, and it was impossible.
Tom was known as a skilled orator but words didn't come easy this time. "Leah…" he began. He just shook his head and dropped his eyes. She put a hand under his chin and lifted his head, searching his sad blue eyes. She could read those eyes so well. She noticed they had darkened, veiled by the shadow of his regrets. But there deep inside, in those depths, there was the essence of her Tom, his true being, her true love.
She nodded encouragingly. "Tell me, my love. Say what you have come to say".
"Leah…" he tried again. His voice broke, tears filling his eyes. "I love you, Leah. I truly love you. But I can't stay any longer. I...".
She pressed a finger to his lips to silence him. "I love you, too, Tom, and I know you can't stay, I've always known that", she said, her voice just above a whisper.
He shook his head again. "You deserve so much more than this, Leah. Please, let me help you".
"Don't you dare offer money to me, Tom Barkley. Don't you understand what it would mean if you'd do that?"
Tom nodded, understanding all too well what she meant.
"Leah, promise me you'll let me know if there's something wrong. If… if that no-good brother of yours…"
She interrupted him mid-sentence with a kiss, a passionate, deep kiss that he desperately returned. Then they hugged, breathing fast. She rested her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, her eyes closed, breathing in his scent for the last time, feeling the comfort of his warmth in the chill of the early morning air. She shivered in his arms.
"Promise me, Leah…"
"I promise. I'll write if there's something wrong, Tom."
They stayed that way for a long time. Then Leah pulled away and looked him in the eyes. "I'll always love you, Tom Barkley", she said with conviction.
He nodded, watching her intensely, his heart heavy with a hopeless feeling of longing for something that could have been but never would. Then he turned and went away fearing he'd change his mind if he stayed even a moment longer.
Leah's eyes followed Tom until he was not visible anymore. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head to see Hannah's compassionate eyes. Her friend's touch was too much. Finally, Leah broke down in tears, a desperate cry coming directly from the core of her being.
Hannah lovingly embraced her as she sat beside her, on the still warm place Tom had left vacant. "Cry, my sweet child, cry", she murmured. And Leah cried, for a long time, in the arms of the older woman.
But, Leah had a secret.
She owned something precious as life itself. She put a hand on her abdomen, and there she let it rest.
Tom had gone, but she would never be alone anymore.