Faking Redemption
Chapter 4

It still took a couple more days to muster up the – whatever you'd call it – to visit Taiki-san. It wasn't really courage, because I was the one who'd put him in that situation and, really, an apology was the least I could do. Even if an apology fixed nothing at all. And yet, a part of me still balked at the idea. Was it because I'd be finally accepting responsibility for it? Was it because I still wanted to hang on to that train of thought that said it had all been outside my control, that I wanted to be forgiven and absolved for hurting someone like so and almost sacrificing the entire world? After all, I'd pretty much handed Quartzmon our world on a silver platter.

And there wasn't exactly anything to do in the aftermath. No hunt to continue on with and who was I to comfort all those pining over the loss of their digimon friends? I couldn't even say I was pining over my own because I'd never known the real Pychemon, the real Astamon – and pining for the one I'd known meant pining for Quartzmon as well.

But I couldn't help but miss the partner I had known, and I had no way of knowing how much of that had been true and how much an act to shape me into the mould… And how much of an active role I'd played, and how much passive – It was a big mess in the end and I didn't want an invoice of charges anyway. I'd wind up with more or less than what I expect because humans are impossible that way: they can't predict things so accurately and even when we're given confidence intervals to fill in we get them all ridiculous and wrong and all the research in the world isn't going to change that. We can't comprehend the world in a deep and clear enough level to be able to predict accurately. We lack whatever critical information makes that possible and that's fine, most of the time. It's the way things are supposed to be. It makes life interesting. It gives us things to work towards, to dream for –

But it also means we can fall into a hole and not even realise we're in one until it's far too late to find a way out again, and those times are the worst of all.

But the initial comfort of silence becomes stifling after a while and I wind up out of the house eventually – and, after that, the only place I can think of going is to the hospital. It's either that or wander aimlessly and that's just as oppressing a thought – and yet I do that anyway. I walk and walk until I can't walk anymore and then I collapse on the bus-stop bench and wait for a bus to come by. And then it's bus and train hopping and that's actually kind of nice because it keeps my mind occupied and walking in the vague direction of the hospital doesn't necessarily mean I'm on the right track when it comes to getting there by public transport – and that's assuming I was on the right track in any sense of the word. But it's impossible to be aimless on public transport. Nothing else to concentrate on except where you're going – where I'm going –

So I wind up there after all. The hospital.

And then comes the next bit, and there's no backing out when I've come all that way. Effort begets effort, after all. The more blood and soil and sweat and tears you put into something, the less likely you are to pull away from it afterwards. At some point you cross the point of no return and then you just keep going and going and going, no matter what the cost. But that sort of thing is supposed to happen once you're an adult, once you've lived long enough to commit so wholly to something but, of course, sometimes we find things in childhood that leave lasting impressions. I think the digimon are one of those. And those are the things are harder to let go of, to forgive and forget. If I hadn't seen that final battle two years ago… I don't think it would have mattered so much now. Of course, to ask forgiveness for anything is hard and it's equally hard to admit that you're wrong, but those things that leave lasting impressions, that become guiding posts in your life, are the ones that don't fade with time.

Of course, it could have been that I was being melodramatic, that this was a wound time can heal if only I give it time. And maybe that goes for everyone and maybe I was a fool to come now, when clearly I couldn't ask for forgiveness, accept the answer, and then walk away with that.

Because, I thought right then, if I did walk away in one piece, it would be rather an actor in my place.

But I'd come that far. So I asked the room number and directions, and followed the stairs because an elevator was like a transport you weren't driving yourself: it gave far too much time to think. But still, I was there before too long because the longest part of the journey was already over.

And there was a crowd. Of course there was, even over a week after. And he recognised all of them as well: by face if not by name. They were an odd bunch without the digimon beside them, but that didn't matter so much with the digimon being what had brought us – them – all together.

They didn't notice me at first. I was just another figure standing in the crowd and maybe I would've gone unnoticed if Ren hadn't been a part of the crowd… Or maybe that was just wistful thinking.

In any case, Ren was a part of that crowd and he spotted me (and, according to him, the colour of my hair might as well be a flag and I can't exactly argue, even if it's hardly my fault my hair has no pigments and I'd rather not kill it with hair dye or spray – unlike Tagiru). And, of course, when he called my name, everybody else turned to stare as well.

And they stared and did nothing, like blank faced dolls and, quite honestly, that's the most discontent reaction of them all. Because what the hell were they thinking? What the hell did they even know? I can't remember if only a few select had been a witness to Quartzmon's big reveal or they'd all seen it, and I don't know where they would have been otherwise. I do know most of them weren't there when Clockmon needed the extra juice. Airu and Ren were, and Xros Heart, and maybe Tagiru's Dobermon-partnered friend was there too. I can't remember. But all those Hunters weren't. There's a difference between a few select and an entire horde after all and they definitely weren't.

But they weren't needed in the end, after all, even if it had been close.

I wonder… Where had they been? Most of them hadn't been interested in fighting for the Brave Snatcher anyway, but Tagiru and I hadn't given them the chance anyway. Or…we had, if they really wanted to. They could have joined the fight and the last 'mon standing would have been the victor, but no-one did. Some of the whispers had trickled in through the fight. We'd been on another plane in that fight, somewhere the rest of them couldn't reach…

And yet, Tagiru and I had been on entirely different planes as well. Tagiru had been fighting Quartzmon even then and he hadn't even known it. I'd been fighting for entirely the wrong thing and I hadn't even realised it, drunk on the chance that I would finally get what I'd been aiming for…

But reality was that I'd taken the step to be furthest away, instead.

Ren reached me easily despite the crowd and tugged my elbow to drag me back. 'So Airu got you out of your blankets,' he teased, 'or was it Tagiru?'

'Yuu, actually,' I said, and why not admit that? It had caught me for a loop, after all.

Ren snorted. 'That's a surprise.'

Tell me about it. But pleasant surprises are preferable, all in all, even if I can and do appreciate how difficult it must have been for Yuu to talk about such things in the company of someone he barely knows and another girl who's been chasing him for the better part of a year like a rabid fangirl. Because as much as I like Airu, she can be rather… enthusiastic when she wants something and if she's still interested in Yuu, then he must have made a very firm impression.

And somewhere along the line, Ren and I and even Taiki-san by the looks of things, had realised the two of them would actually make a decent pair – if only Yuu would consider it.

But I've digressed. Again.

It was Ren, bantering like normal. And Airu had done exactly the same thing and I hadn't even taken the chance to call her out on it. Then again, they'd come with the sole purpose of "cheering me up", as Tagiru had put it, so maybe the opportunities I'd missed hadn't really been there in the first place.

As for Ren, he just chatted about how the others were feeling sorry for him because half of them or thereabouts had been suckered in by digimon as well – and that was probably true, even if not to the extent. The whole reason the hunt was on was because of how the lost digimon wound up influencing humans displaying negative emotions…

'And we've purposely pulled a few too, like the guy with the Kotemon.' Ren pointed. 'Geeze, Tagiru really let me have it over that but seriously, it wasn't my fault Dracmon couldn't evolve any other way…'

He remembered Ren complaining about that particular incident.

'But we're all here now.' Ren shrugged again. 'You just realised a little late, that's all. Pity, too. You might've gotten a real hunt in, otherwise.'

Which was Ren's way of saying he'd been in exactly the same situation as all the others who'd fallen prey to digimon who'd wandered in from DigiQuartz… Except he'd had the king of DigiQuartz instead of one of the lost ones and it was too late to grow from that encounter.

'It's not.' Ren was looking intense, and he rarely did that. Then again, I've rarely seen him give pep talks either. 'Sure, there aren't digimon hunts anymore but that's not all there is to life.'

And I guess I must've said that part out loud for him to respond to it. Or else he'd read it right off my face.

Although he was saying digimon hunts weren't the be all and end all to a bunch of retired hunters, so I guess his tact could use a little work.

And his subtlety, because he dragged me to Taiki's door, kicked whoever was in there out and shoved me in. 'Now go sort everything out and be ready to get on with your life when you get out.'

Yep, he definitely needed to work on that tact and subtlety of his. But it did the job. Here was me, and Taiki-san looking a little startled at the suddenness of it all, and no doubt a disgruntled if not hopping visitor suddenly finding themselves shut outside.