Rick has a new visitor on Saturday, and she looks stunned to see him lying in the middle of all sorts of tubes and wires and machinery. Then she looks astonished to see Negan sitting on the couch and holding a tired Judith in his arms.
"Oh, hi," the woman—girl, really, because she doesn't look a day over twenty-five—says, offering an awkward smile. "You must be... a friend of Rick's."
"You could say that," Negan chuckles.
Carl, who's sitting in a chair by the window, sighs at the poor joke.
She offers Negan her hand, and they shake. "Denise Cloyd."
"How'd you know Rick?"
"I'm not really at liberty to discuss that. But mostly I'm here for Carl."
Carl looks up from his phone. "Me?"
Denise turns to him. "It might be helpful to have someone to talk to. I'm a psychiatrist. Since you're underage I can't give you any medication, but I'm a great listener, if you ever want to, y'know, talk about how you're feeling." She looks at Negan. "You too, of course. I mean, obviously you and Rick were close."
"Well, thanks but no thanks. I don't really like to dump my shit on anybody," Negan says with a shrug.
Denise gives him a tight smile, like she's heard this before. "Therapy can be really helpful for some, but I understand if you're uncomfortable with it. Carl, what about you?"
Carl shrugs. "There's not really anything to talk about. Dad's pretty much dead already."
Carl's cynicism hits Negan like a wet slap that momentarily stuns him. "Kid, you got plenty to talk about if that's what you think."
"He's been out for almost a month," Carl says. "If he was gonna wake up, he would have by now."
"Don't say shit like that around your sister."
Carl exhales a long sigh. "I'm just saying. Everybody dies. I'll be fine if he does."
"Okay, good talk, Carl," Negan says, rolling his eyes.
Yeah, the kid totally doesn't need a therapist or anything. He's perfectly well-adjusted.
"Carl, why don't we take a walk and you can tell me about how you're feeling?" Denise offers. "No judgment."
Negan expects Carl to say no, but the kid surprises him by saying, "Alright," and following Denise out the door. Between sitting here bored out of his skull and taking a walk with someone who wants to listen to what's on his mind, it probably wasn't much of a choice.
Negan sighs, suddenly exhausted. When Lucille was sick, Negan fought the good fight and kept hope alive, perhaps out of naivete, perhaps out of a genuine belief that tough-as-nails Lucille would kick cancer right in the ass. But he knew the end was coming, and when it did it snuffed out that bright-eyed idealism, buried it six feet under, and Negan's been trying to channel it here for the kids' sake. But Carl's words have reminded Negan how things like this turn out for him, ending in bitter tears and anger and feeling foolish for believing in miracles, and the zombified corpse of his idealism barely has legs to stand on anymore.
How much longer can Negan keep up the hopeful facade before he just... cracks?
"Please," Negan murmurs, begging any higher power for a sign. "Carl and Judith deserve better than this. They deserve their father. I'll never be half the man Rick is, and I know I've made some royal fuck-ups, but please don't punish these kids for my mistakes. I don't even know if you exist, but if you're out there and you hear me... Shit..."
"I thought you weren't a fan of talking about your problems."
"Yeah, well, first time for everything, right?"
Negan and Denise stand outside of the hospital while Negan lights a cigarette. He doesn't smoke often, but he thinks he's entitled to a puff or two considering the circumstances. He'd only done it to take the edge off, picking up the habit during Lucille's bad days, then continuing up until Rick lit up his sky and there was no edge anymore.
Shane showed up a little while ago, so Negan left the kids in his care while he talks to Denise.
"So I'm guessing you were Rick's shrink," Negan says around a mouthful of smoke. "Is this gonna be a betrayal of confidences or some shit?"
"I think I can make an exception. You're a friend in need."
"You don't even know me."
"I can tell you're very important to Rick, judging by how comfortable his kids are with you," Denise says.
"Well, where do I start? Am I s'posed to tell you how Daddy never hugged me or said he was proud of me?"
"If you want."
"What I want is for Rick to wake up." Negan takes another long pull off the cigarette. "Don't get me wrong, I love the little rugrats, but I can't raise his kids by myself. If Rick was here, well, it wouldn't be a problem. He could tell me when I'm being an asshole or not being enough of one. But I don't trust myself not to fuck things up on my own."
"You never had children?"
Negan shakes his head. "My wife wanted to, but she died before we could..."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Denise doesn't mention how bad Negan's luck is for him to keep losing people he loves, but Negan feels the words hovering around them like an electric charge.
"Rick and I were only seeing each other about three weeks," Negan says. "If this keeps up, he'll be in a coma longer than we were ever dating." A humorless laugh rattles out of his throat, and he stares at the skeleton of ash at the tip of his cigarette.
"Do you think it's possible you're trying so hard to raise his kids because you want him to be proud of you?"
"Absolutely fuckin' possible. In my head, I have this idea that he'll wake up and see that I've kept them alive and out of trouble, and maybe Carl actually likes me a little, and, yeah, Rick'll be proud of me. Fuck, I deserve it."
Part of Negan thinks he's a selfish dickhead for thinking that, for saying it out loud, because why should anyone be proud of him? It's not like he's ever done anything worth recognition.
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated," Denise tells him, but it rings hollow. Not her fault, just years of mental conditioning to the contrary. "And I think Rick would be really glad to know you're taking care of Carl and Judith."
"Yeah, maybe." Negan puts the cigarette to his lips again and inhales. "Some days it drives me fuckin' crazy, doin' all this myself, being responsible for them. That's a little fucked up, huh?"
"Not really," Denise says. "Raising children can be overwhelming. And you're facing a lot of challenges: dealing with a teen and a toddler, Carl's bad attitude, and being sort of thrown into this without any preparation. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel like you're out of your element."
Negan considers this. After returning from the war, his own father refused mental health care—"therapy's for pussies, kid"—and repressed every emotion that wasn't terrible rage. After Dad left, Mom tried to repair the damage and reprogram Negan's brain into less self-destructive thinking. She hadn't been too late, but she wasn't able to completely rewire him, either.
"I wanna be good for them," Negan says after a moment. "Better than my dad was." He watches a car drive by the hospital until it's out of sight. "I put off having kids with Lucille 'cause I was afraid I'd turn out like him."
"At least you're concerned about it. That should count for something." Denise looks at him. "But you're not really giving Rick enough credit. I told Carl this, but my mom remarried when I was about his age. And of course I didn't like the guy, 'cause I didn't understand why Mom and Dad weren't together anymore, and I thought she was replacing Dad. But she told me he might have his flaws, but she wouldn't date him if she didn't think he'd be a good father. I think that's what Rick sees in you."
Negan breathes out smoke trails through his nose, letting her words sink in.
"You're a coach at the high school, right? So Rick's seen you in action, so to speak. He knows you're good with kids. And Carl might think you're a hard-ass, but teenagers tend to think that about everyone who doesn't just let them do what they want."
Negan never talked about things like this with Lucille. She was young and fiery and gorgeous, and he feared if he exposed too much of his anxieties or weaknesses that she'd find someone better suited for her.
His first wife had been domineering and cruel, and any armchair psychologist could tell she was a surrogate for the approval he never got from dear ol' Dad. So after Paula crushed him under her heel and rubbed him into the dirt, Negan was too afraid to potentially cause discord with Lucille, who was sweet and caring and much too good for him.
"Why do you think you fell for Rick?" Denise asks him.
Carl had asked him a similar question, and Negan still isn't entirely sure of an answer that makes sense outside of his own head.
"'Cause he understood what I was going through. He didn't push. I pushed."
"Why?"
"I wanted to screw around," Negan says around another drag. "At first. I thought a 'friends with benefits' thing would be good for both of us. God knows he needed to get laid." He chuckles.
"But something happened."
"Yeah. Feelings." He snarls the word the way Draco Malfoy says 'Potter.'
But Denise doesn't laugh at him like he thought. Okay, he didn't actually think she would, considering she's a professional, but there's still that residual garbage from his childhood he can't shake, knee-jerk fears that never really go away.
"Why do you think that happened?" Denise asks, rephrasing her original question, which he still hasn't really answered.
"Because he's good. He's gentle and kind, but he can be a tough son of a bitch when he wants to be. And he has a family already. I wouldn't be risking passing on my shit down the line, y'know? But you don't really think about that stuff when you're with someone. Everything just... sort of falls into place." Negan takes a final long puff from his cigarette before dropping it to the concrete. He stubs it out with the toe of his boot. "Alright, enough chick-flick moments. Is Carl gonna be okay? He's not too far down the rabbit hole, is he?"
Denise offers a shrug. "I can't really say for sure. He's a teenager, so his emotions are all over the place anyway. It's likely he's trying to shut himself off, so if something happens to Rick it won't hurt."
"But it fucking will."
Denise nods. "It's really unhealthy to lock your emotions away like that. He needs to grieve and let those feelings out, or else they just build up like toxins."
"Do you think he'll talk to you? If it would help him..."
"Maybe. He didn't open up to me, but he talked, and that's a good start. I can come by the house, if you think that would be better for him than bringing him to my office. Being in his own home might make him feel like he has a bit more control."
"You're the expert," Negan says. "And thank you, by the way, for offering to help. It means a lot."
When Negan makes it back upstairs to the ICU, Shane's there with the kids, a silent sentinel at Rick's bedside. Shane gives him a look Negan's very familiar with; he's seen it burning in the eyes of men who envied that Negan had Lucille. Shane's impotent rage toward him makes sense now that Negan's seeing it in the proper context.
"Why don't we step outside and have a little chat?" Negan says.
Shane scowls at him. "Nah."
"I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important."
Shane's face goes through a complicated set of emotions before he sighs and says, "Fine."
They stand outside the door to Rick's room. Shane puts his hands on his hips, like he has better things to do than listen to whatever Negan has to say.
"I know you don't like me," Negan starts, "and sometimes I don't like me either. But we both care about Carl, and I don't know if you've noticed but he's started to, well, lose his shit. He said he'll be fine if Rick dies, and there's so many things wrong with that I don't know where to start." Negan scrubs a hand through his hair, and, fuck, Shane's stupid headrubbing tic is contagious after all. "He's goin' down a dark path, and I think if you spent some time with him, he'd listen to you. You love Rick too, so you might know what to say to get through to him. I don't want him giving up hope on Rick."
Because Carl's indifference and despondency will eventually trickle down to Judith and poison her spirit. She soaks things up like a sponge, and she's in enough emotional disarray already.
Shane's mouth scrunches into a frown, and he stares at the floor for a moment before looking up at Negan. "What can I do?"
"I don't know. Spend the day with him, be his buddy. Whatever you think will work. You were all gung-ho about keeping the kids away from me, but now you get limp-dicked when I offer you to take them?" Negan scoffs.
"Now you want me to take both of them?"
"Hell no. Judith's easy to please. We color for a while, then we watch Frozen for the hundredth time, I fall asleep thirty minutes in, then she wakes me up and I pretend like I was watching the whole time. Easy-peasy. Besides, she's not the one in imminent danger of being a real fuckin' bummer."
"Alright," Shane finally says and, yep, it comes with a headrub. "I'll see what I can do."
"Great!" Negan claps a playful hand on Shane's shoulder. "Rick's gonna be happy as a clam to wake up and see us getting along!"
Shane makes a face and heads back inside.
Carl comes home around eight that night while Negan's watching a movie on the couch. Judith has fallen asleep against him, because if it doesn't have bright colors and animation she's not interested in watching it. Sucks for her, because The Blues Brothers is a classic.
"Hey, kid," Negan says, tipping his head against the back of the couch as Carl passes by. "How was date night with Uncle Shane?"
Carl makes a disgusted noise. "Fine. Did you tell him to say all that stuff about having faith in Dad?"
"Might'a mentioned it," Negan says with a cheeky grin.
Carl just scowls at him.
"Look, it's for her benefit," Negan says, pointing to the sleeping Judith. "Just keep your spirits up for her sake, at least. Your dad's gonna wake up. And if he doesn't..." Negan doesn't even want to go down that road. "We'll deal with it. But not yet. Not while he's still hangin' in there."
"Okay," Carl says, clearly as a way of exiting this conversation. He goes upstairs and shuts himself in.
Negan knows Carl's just reacting to the painful stretch of not knowing that comes with the terminally ill. It stresses you out, like the prolonged moments of suspense in a horror movie before the scare, and you want that tension released like a pressure valve, you want that monster to jump out of the shadows already, but he doesn't, so you're braced for it, and it wears you down and keeps you up at night. Negan's been there, done that, and brought back the souvenir t-shirt. He knows how it goes.
But Shane's words may have made an impression, however small, on Carl, and he'll probably ruminate over them tonight. That, coupled with Denise's upcoming visit on Wednesday, should at least push him in the right direction.
Monday afternoon, Negan's having a smoke in his car after practice when Carl and a girl he presumes is Carl's girlfriend appear at the passenger side window. Carl knocks on the glass, and Negan reaches over and rolls down the window.
"Enid wants a ride," Carl says, raising his voice to be heard over the music.
Negan jerks the stereo volume down, but Enid has recognized the song, and she asks Carl, "Is he seriously listening to Taylor Swift?" with a confused expression.
Carl sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Are you sure you wanna do this? It's probably less embarrassing to walk home."
"She wants to spend time with you, idiot," Negan says, playful. Carl's face goes red with chagrin, a trait he definitely gets from his father. "Get in, you two."
"So, Enid," Negan starts as they leave the school parking lot, "I've only heard that name once before, in a Barenaked Ladies song."
"How do you know that?"
"My wife loved that 90s alt-rock stuff."
Enid hears the past tense there. "What happened to her?"
"She died last year."
"Oh... Crap, I'm sorry."
Negan shrugs. "Shit happens. But let's get back to you. I know you're here 'cause you wanna see if the rumors are true and I'm serving as Carl's stand-in dad 'til Mr. Comatose wakes up."
Enid is quiet for a moment. "I'm just curious. I thought me and Carl could play video games or something if his dad wasn't home. But he hasn't invited me." Her last sentence has an edge to it, and she gently elbows Carl in the side.
"See? I fuckin' told you to invite her over," Negan says, glancing at Carl's pouty face in the rear-view mirror. "Enid, you think your folks would let you have dinner with us? Or are they the Mother Gothel, don't-let-her-leave-the-tower kind of parents?"
Enid smiles like she isn't sure if this is a joke. "You've seen Tangled?"
"I'm raising a three-year-old who lives off Disney movies and chicken nuggets. Of course I've seen Tangled."
Enid laughs, but it's not a mocking sound, more like she's oddly charmed that Negan has proven to be more than he appears. "Well, my dad's out of town on business, and my mom's working late tonight, so they probably won't know I'm gone."
"Well, then I guess it's up to you."
"That'd be cool. I mean, if you want."
Carl shoots Negan a look that says 'what the hell are you doing,' and Negan just chuckles to himself.
After picking up Judith from Carol's house, Negan gets to work in the kitchen while Carl and Enid keep Judith entertained. Enid seems to have a natural rapport with her, which Carl ought to have the good sense to find appealing.
"You sure you don't need any help?" Enid asks Negan.
"Nope. I got it covered. And it's easier to work my magic when I'm alone."
Negan expects Carl to groan and complain about his dirty jokes, but instead he says, "So how come you always make me help you?"
"'Cause you're not a guest."
Carl mutters something that sounds like 'you're the guest,' but Negan doesn't bust his balls over it. Yeah, Negan pretty much is a guest here, albeit having ascended to the position of temporary guardian, but as soon as Rick wakes up things will more than likely go back to the status quo.
Digging through the refrigerator reminds Negan he'll have to go to the store before the end of the week, but he finds a jar of spaghetti sauce he'd forgotten about, which gives him an extra day to procrastinate that particular errand.
"So you and Rick are, like, together?" Enid asks over dinner. They're all sitting at the table—the last time all four chairs were filled was when Rick was here, Negan thinks—and Carl looks uncomfortable with the fact that he's having dinner with both his girlfriend and sort-of step-father. But Negan's taken it upon himself to be Carl's wingman, since apparently the kid ain't gonna help himself.
Negan nods, says, "Yep," through a mouthful of spaghetti.
"Isn't that weird? You guys seem like total opposites."
"At first, yeah. But the deeper you dig, the more alike we are. And we like each other, so most of that stuff doesn't really matter."
"That's kind of sweet," Enid says, glancing at Carl.
Carl's face is scrunched into a wince like he's suffering from indigestion.
Enid laughs. "Carl, are you okay?"
"He's waiting for me to say something dirty," Negan explains. "But I won't because there are two ladies present."
Enid gives Carl a look, like she can't understand why he doesn't like Negan. Negan hopes Enid's warming to him, because that will definitely help Carl come around to Team Negan a lot quicker.
After dinner, Carl and Enid play Xbox on the couch while Negan gets Judith ready for bed. As Negan's tucking her into bed, Judith asks, "When's Daddy waking up?"
Negan takes a deep breath. "I don't know, sweetie. But it's important to keep going to see him. 'Cause I think he can hear us even while he's sleeping, and that might help him wake up sooner."
Judith squirms and pouts, clearly dissatisfied with that answer. "How come we didn't see him today?"
Oh shit. She's right. Has Negan been losing faith too?
"Well, Carl's been pretty bummed out lately, so I thought I'd do something nice for him by letting Enid stay over. But when your dad wakes up, I'll know, 'cause I have his phone. And mine."
"I miss Daddy."
"So do I, kiddo. I love him too."
"Does Daddy love you back?"
"I... I don't know. He never said it. But maybe he does. I'll have to ask him when he wakes up."
Judith gets comfortable in the bed, turning onto her side and sticking her hands underneath her cheek as though in prayer. "I wish he would wake up."
"Me too." Negan shuts his eyes and lets it all wash over him. "I miss him a lot. Being with your dad was the happiest I've been in a long time. When you find somebody like that, you don't let go." He sighs, shakes his head. "Get some sleep, okay?"
"Okay."
Negan stands up and switches off the lamp at her bedside. Her nightlight kicks on, and it's oddly peaceful to look at. Maybe he should get one for himself. "Goodnight, Judy."
"Night, Uncle Negan," comes her tired voice.
As Negan's leaving Judith's room, he hears Carl and Enid talking downstairs. "Yeah, he's kinda dorky, but he's cool," Enid's saying. "And I think it's cute he likes your dad so much."
Negan totally doesn't linger upstairs and listen in. He doesn't.
Carl makes an aggrieved noise, blasting some enemies onscreen. "You wouldn't think it was cute if it was your parents."
"Probably not. But you should still give him a chance. He seems like he's trying really hard. You know what that's like, don't you?"
Ooh, nice one, Enid.
"Yeah, I guess," Carl sighs.
Negan strolls down the stairs, whistling like he wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation. "You kids havin' fun?"
Enid sets the controller on the coffee table and tucks her long hair behind her ears as she stands up. "Yeah, but I should probably go. Mom doesn't always text before she comes home, and I'm technically grounded."
"Technically?" Negan chuckles. "I'll drive you home. Carl, you can hold down the fort for five minutes, right?"
"Oh, no, no," Enid says, "you don't need to do that. I live, like, three blocks away. I can just walk."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I walk home from school anyway. I'll be fine. Thanks for letting me hang out." Enid smiles. "Carl made me think you'd be a huge jerk, but you're actually kinda cool."
Carl looks embarrassed that Enid just sold him out like that.
"You're not so bad yourself," Negan tells her. "I'll have to talk some sense into Rick about letting you come around."
"See ya, Coach," Enid says, walking to the door.
"Let Carl know when you get home, okay?" Negan reminds her, because he's a little wary about letting her walk home alone, but it's still daylight out and this is a pretty safe neighborhood.
"I will." Enid closes the door behind her as she leaves.
"Now that wasn't so bad." Negan can't help but teasingly antagonize Carl.
Carl rolls his eyes. "You just embarrassed me every time you opened your mouth."
"She didn't seem to think so."
"'Cause she has to be nice to you."
"You're welcome," Negan says, smug as he sits beside Carl and takes Enid's place in the game. Carl looks irritated at first, but he's kind of getting owned by the other team, so Negan's help is appreciated.
"We didn't see Dad today," Carl says after a few moments of shooting enemy soldiers.
"Yeah, Judith already got on my case about that." Secretly, Negan's ecstatic that missing a day of vigilance over Rick bothers Carl enough to mention it. "But if his condition changed, Rosita would text me. Or Maggie or Glenn or any of his visitors. Your dad's a popular guy."
"He's helped a lot of people."
Including Negan, for sure. He knows exactly where he'd be right now if it weren't for Rick. Negan figured there was nothing left for him after Lucille died, just a life of aimless wandering, hard drinking, and living dangerously until he ran out of gas. But then Rick happened, and Negan could breathe again, like he was pulled out from the bottom of the ocean.
How many others like Negan has Rick saved?
"It's been over a month. Guess I should fill you in on all the shit you've been missing, huh? I'm teaching Carl to drive. Kid's not too bad. Hasn't put a scratch on Lucille yet. He's overly cautious as fuck. Probably gets it from you. Judith's growing up so fast. She's already starting to point out when I'm full of shit... She's sleeping, so I can say that. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I set Carl up with Denise for some heart-to-hearts. I think it's helping him, but I can tell he just wants all this to be over with. One way or another. He's a 'shit or get off the pot' kind of guy. And, fuck, sometimes I feel the same way, and that makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole, but I'll wait for you as long as I have to."
Negan stops talking, because he sees Carl standing in the doorway of Rick's hospital room. Carl has heard everything, and the expression on his face conveys that this hurts him somehow.
Negan's expecting him to make some snide comment about feelings or how Rick's not going to wake up so he should just stop trying, but instead Carl says, "You really love him, huh?"
Negan nods. His hands are shaking. He doesn't know how to make them stop.