This is okay, Negan tells himself. So maybe Rick has amnesia and doesn't remember who Negan is. That's fine. They can work with this. They can start over. Negan will be less of a shithead, and there will be awkward conversations and admissions, but through it all a sense of renewal, a second chance. Negan will gladly take it.
But Negan opens his mouth and no words come out.
Dr. Horvath is at Rick's side with a speed that defies his age. "Rick, how are you feeling?"
Rick looks at him, looks at Shane, whose face is streaked with tears. "What's going on? You're s'posed to be..." He licks his dry lips, starts again. "Carl, what happened to your eye?"
Carl looks confused for a moment, then remembers he'd had a black eye—or at least the fading bruises of one—when Rick last saw him. "It healed up. You've been out a while."
Rick takes this in, a baffled expression on his face. Dr. Horvath presses a button at Rick's bedside to call for a nurse.
"You got bigger," Rick says to Judith, who giggles.
"'Course I did, Daddy! I grew!"
"You've been out for almost two months," Negan tells him, finally finding words. "Glenn and Maggie had their baby."
Rick's eyes go wide. "Glenn?"
Negan looks to Dr. Horvath.
"It might take him some time to remember things."
Negan wants to laugh. If that's his biggest problem now, he'll take it a thousand times over. He's just so fucking glad to have Rick back in any capacity.
Rick sits up, slowly, and Dr. Horvath tries to ease him back, murmuring, "Easy, Rick," but Rick's not having any of it. He cranes his neck to look out the window, like he's expecting to see something else besides a sparsely filled parking lot.
Rosita enters the room, and Dr. Horvath tells her something in a low voice before he leaves to tend to other patients. "Rick, you're awake!" Rosita says, checking his vital signs. "You really had us worried there. Are you feeling alright? Any pain or numbness?"
Rick shakes his head and looks directly at Negan. "I don't want you here." It's the vicious stare Rick wore when they first met, but there's something deeper behind it now.
Negan expects Shane to gloat about this, but Shane appears to be just as confused as Negan feels.
Rosita gives Negan a sympathetic smile, almost apologetic for Rick's rudeness. "Negan, go on and wait outside for a bit, okay?"
"Alright, Rick," Negan says, holding up his hands as though warding off an argument. "If you wanna play hard to get, fine. Only makes me want you more."
Rick doesn't feel like himself. The world is topsy-turvy, like he's looking at it through a funhouse mirror. His mouth is dry and dessicated. Rosita hands him a cup of water that he greedily swallows down.
Why the hell was Negan here?
"You had us worried, brother," Shane says, and Rick can't understand why he's here either. He's not supposed to be... "Thought you weren't gonna make it."
"You're not—I killed you."
Shane laughs. "Nah, you didn't. You shot the perp, not me. All that blood you saw on me was yours. I'm fine."
Rosita puts a hand on Rick's arm. "His memory should come back in a day or two," she says, addressing Shane and Carl.
Judith starts to fuss, reaching for him, and Carl picks her up and sets her on the bed by Rick's legs. The last time he saw her she was about a year old. Where did the time go? How could it only have been two months?
"Carl," Rick croaks, and Carl looks at him in a way he never has before.
"Yeah, Dad?"
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," Carl says with a little laugh. "You're the one we were worried about."
"And Judith?"
"We're okay. Negan's been taking care of us."
Something cold crawls up Rick's spine. "Negan?"
"Yeah. Y'know, the scruffy guy with the leather jacket?"
"The one you kicked outta the room," Shane adds.
Rick can't comprehend what he's hearing. The thought of that violent madman around his children terrifies him too much to think clearly.
Carl chuckles at Rick's bewilderment. "I know, it's crazy. But he's actually pretty okay. He helps me with school stuff and takes care of Judith—"
"Negan!" Judith chirps.
"Yeah, she adores him."
No, no, this isn't right. Rick doesn't even have words for how wrong this is.
"Rick, you okay?" Rosita asks, and it's only then Rick realizes his heart is pounding, because the monitor to his left starts beeping faster. "Does something hurt?"
He shakes his head, focusing on Carl. "Carl, listen to me. I don't want you around him."
Carl and Shane exchange a glance.
"Look, I hated the guy at first," Shane says, "but Carl's right. He's good people. Probably shouldn't swear around the kids so much, but he's getting better. You picked a winner."
Rick... chose Negan?
Rick's brain feels fuzzy, and this conversation isn't helping.
"Dad, Negan's your boyfriend, remember?" Carl says slowly.
Nausea curls in Rick's stomach. He thinks he might throw up. "No, no," he says, shaking his head again. "I'm s'posed to be with Michonne."
Carl makes a noise that sounds like a laugh, but Rick can tell he's too worried about his father's mental state to properly fake it. "Michonne's married. She has a kid, remember?"
"Guys, why don't we let Rick rest for a while?" Rosita suggests. "Give him some time to get his memory back."
Carl nods and picks up Judith. "We'll see you later, Dad, okay?"
"Bye, Daddy!"
"See ya, Rick," Shane says, then they're gone, and Rick doesn't know what's real anymore.
Rick swears he's seeing ghosts.
"Don't look so happy to see me," Abraham says once he gets a look at Rick's terrified expression.
"You're not supposed to be here," Rick says, mostly to himself.
"Rosita didn't stop me. Figured it was okay for you to have visitors."
Rick shakes his head. He seems to be doing that a lot, as though rejecting this bizarre reality in which he's awakened. "Negan killed you."
That makes Abraham laugh. "I'd like to see him try. He's all bark and no bite."
But Rick remembers that horrible night. The awful squelching sounds. The smell of wet rust. The taste of blood on his cheek, dripping into his mouth. The sight of Negan's wolfish grin and gory bat.
Rick feels something catch in his chest as panic sets in.
Abraham adds, "He's in the waiting room, texting everyone in your phone tellin' them you woke up." He looks around the room. "Guess I was the first to get here."
"Why would he do that?"
"Same reason he took care of your kids while you were out: he cares about you. I mean, I'm just guessin' here, but hell if I can figure out an ulterior motive. You're not exactly a sugar daddy."
Something slips through the cracks in Rick's memory; it's him and Negan lying in bed, skin on skin, and Negan wants Rick to call him Daddy, and Rick's laughing at how ridiculous that is. There's no death, decay, or destruction in this moment, just the two of them, happiness radiating off the image like a solar flare.
It doesn't fit with the other memories, but Rick knows it's real. He couldn't make that up, wouldn't want to after seeing what Negan's capable of.
"Where's Glenn?" Rick asks.
"I heard his wife had a baby, so he's probably on diaper duty."
That can't be right. Maggie had just learned she was pregnant the last time Rick saw her, mourning her husband's battered, bloody corpse. How could she have the baby in just two months? How could Judith have grown so much in such a short time? And how could Glenn and Abraham (and Shane!) still be alive?
And where are all the goddamn zombies?
A little while after Abraham shows up, Carol arrives at the hospital with Sophia. Carol looks saddened to see Negan sitting by himself in the lonely waiting area.
"He didn't want me in there," Negan says, answering her question before it's asked.
"Really? Are you sure the nurses didn't kick you out for excessive vulgarity?" Carol jokes, because the thought of Rick not wanting Negan with him is laughable.
Negan chuckles weakly. "I don't think Rick remembers me."
"But he wouldn't kick you out for that, would he?"
This gets a whole new set of anxieties spinning in Negan's head. Is Rick faking amnesia as an easy avenue to bow out of this relationship? It occurs to Negan that Rick didn't ask him who he was. He asked 'what are you doing here,' implying that he already knows who Negan is. At no point did Rick say anything to indicate that Negan is a stranger to him.
Shit.
A cold hand squeezes Negan's heart, making it hard to breathe.
Carol isn't in Rick's room very long, as Rosita shoos everyone out so Rick can get some rest. Which makes zero sense to Negan, because the guy just had about two months' worth of rest. But rules are rules, so he takes Carl and Judith home. At least the kids are happy, but Negan can't shake the feeling that something is very wrong.
Carl texts Negan the next afternoon: Dad wants you.
Negan's thumb hovers over the keyboard, and he debates typing back a stupid, self-assured joke, but he's not feeling so hot today. He pockets his phone and heads to Rick's room.
Inside, fresh bouquets sit on the windowsill, and Rick's not hooked up to so many tubes anymore. He's gained back a bit of color that makes him look less like a zombie. He stares at Negan with an undecipherable expression. But Negan has seen it before—he saw it in the mirror every day during the last few months of Lucille's life.
Negan wants to lay it all on the line—you're probably not too crazy about me anymore, but I fucking love you, Rick, I just need you to hear that, okay?—but he wants to know what Rick has to say first.
Negan struts into the room, feigning confidence. "There he is! Sleeping Beauty, awake at last! And I didn't even have to kiss you."
Rick attempts a smile. "Sorry about last time. I was pretty whacked out." He looks at Shane, who's been watching Carl and Judith while Negan's been banished to the waiting room. "Shane, can you give us a moment? Just me and Negan?"
"You got it," Shane says and leads the kids out of the room. Negan watches them leave, because he's a little afraid to look in Rick's eyes and see something other than love radiating there.
"So..." Rick rubs a hand over the gnarly beard he's cultivated during his time here. "You've been taking care of Carl and Judith?"
Negan shrugs and sticks his hands in his pockets. "That's just the kinda guy I am. But hey, enough about me. Tell me about this dream you had. I get the feeling it was pretty fucked up."
Rick blinks, glancing away for a split-second. "You don't wanna hear that."
"The fuck I don't. You should know by now you can tell me anything. Or did you not remember that yet? Oops: spoilers."
A tiny smile tugs at the corner of Rick's mouth. "It's not important."
"It was important enough for you to kick me outta the room yesterday," Negan says, moving closer to the bed. He keeps his tone casual, but inside he's nervous as fuck. There's a reason Rick's trying to avoid this conversation, and that's why they need to have it.
Rick sighs, closing his eyes and lying back against the pillows. "There were... zombies."
Negan snorts a laugh. "And we're off to a fucking fantastic start. Go on." He sits in the chair at Rick's bedside.
"I woke up here before, but there was no one... The hospital was abandoned. Except for them... Lori and Carl were missing. Shane took them somewhere safe. I had to find them."
"What about Judith?"
"She wasn't born yet. In the dream she was Shane's daughter. Not mine."
Negan lets out a low whistle. He wants to tell Rick that Lori wasn't the one Shane had his eye on, but there will be time for that later. Maybe.
"I found Shane and Lori and Carl. That's where I met Glenn. And Daryl. Then we went to a farm, found Maggie and Beth. Shane tried to kill me, so I killed him..."
"Jesus. And there's zombies somewhere in all of this?"
"Everywhere. You can't let your guard down. But they're not..." Rick shakes his head, and Negan wonders what he was going to say. "We found a prison, made a home there. Lori died giving birth to Judith. And the guy who shot me"—Rick lifts a hand to his chest, presumably over the spot where the bullet pierced through skin—"wanted the prison for himself. He killed Maggie's dad and a whole bunch of others. We all got split up after that. But we found each other again. A bunch of cannibals tried to kill us. We killed them first. Then we found a gated community called Alexandria. But we weren't safe. There was a group of outlaws going around and forcing everyone to give them supplies or else they'd kill people from their group. We tried to stop them, but there were too many..."
Rick doesn't look like he wants to finish this story.
"So what happened?"
Rick looks at him and says, "You did. You were their leader. You killed Abraham and Glenn. Beat them to death with a baseball bat you named Lucille."
Negan doesn't move. His heart doesn't beat, his blood doesn't flow, and he doesn't breathe.
"You almost made me cut off Carl's arm, but... you stopped."
Jesus fucking Christ, is this what Rick really thinks of Negan? That he's just some violent dickhead with anger issues? Fuck, he shouldn't have told Rick about Dwight, should have kept that buried deep down so it couldn't destroy anything else like it did to Lucille. Lucille looked at him differently after that, and he knows in his heart she would have left him if the cancer hadn't hit first.
Negan makes himself laugh like none of this bothers him. "Shit, they had you on some good fuckin' drugs, huh, Rick?"
It really fucking bothers him.
After a day or two, Rick is discharged from the hospital to a physical rehabilitation center, because his muscles have atrophied after almost two months of disuse. The facility is just outside Atlanta, but Negan makes the drive every day for the kids' sake. Judith's always excited to see her dad, and Carl's spirits are definitely lifting with each visit.
But there's this invisible wall between Rick and Negan now, all thanks to that fucking dream. Negan can't help but feel like Rick's subconscious was at play there, and no matter how many times Negan tells himself it doesn't mean anything, it keeps nibbling at his brain like a termite.
Rick doesn't love him anymore, if he ever did. He's afraid of Negan, afraid of what he's capable of.
This is exactly what Negan has feared since the beginning.
Carl finds Negan one sleepless night digging through Rick's closet, shoving his own clothes into a Rick is alive and (mostly) well, Judith has taken to sleeping in her own room again, which leaves Negan lonelier than he'd like to be.
"Um, what're you doing?" Carl asks with attitude, like he's a parent who caught his son trying to sneak out.
"Your dad's coming home by the middle of next week, so I thought I should get all my shit moved out beforehand."
"Did he break up with you?" Carl sounds worried, and normally Negan would gloat about that, but he's not in the mood.
"Not yet."
"What the hell does that mean?" Carl pushes his way into the room and stops Negan from packing his things.
Negan wonders how to explain this. See, your dad had a dream about a zombie apocalypse where I was a baseball bat-wielding psychopath who murdered two of his friends. Oh, and I also tried to make him chop off your arm. Y'know, for reasons.
Yeah, probably not the best way to go about that one.
"Rick wanted me out of that room 'cause he had a dream I murdered two of his friends. Abe and Glenn, for those taking notes."
Carl shrugs, huffs an impatient laugh. "So?"
"So?" Negan throws out his arms like he's trying to fly. "What part of that is normal to you?"
"Dreams are just weird, man. Your brain mashes all kinds of shit together that you saw or experienced or didn't even know you did. Like, your brain can't just make up a face, so it uses a face you've seen at some point for every person in your dreams. That's probably what Dad did. It's not on you."
"Yes, it is. Lemme let you in on a little secret. Before he woke up, I had a nightmare where Rick cut my throat after sex."
"Ew."
Negan ignores him. "And then we started fighting and trying to kill each other. I don't need a fucking book of dream interpretations to figure that one out: I'm terrified of this exact fucking thing—Rick realizes I'm a monster, and he leaves me."
Carl stares at him in confusion. "Why would Dad think that?"
Negan sighs and claws a hand through his hair as he sits on the edge of the bed. "A while back, I told Rick something private. Something I've never told anyone except Lucille. I wasn't proud of it. But I told him because I wanted to get the break-up out of the way before I got in too deep. But Rick was really fuckin' cool about it, so I thought we'd moved past it. That maybe it didn't bother him."
Carl's quiet for a moment, then in a soft voice he says: "You killed someone?"
Negan stares at his hands. He remembers what it felt like to hold that bat, to crush Dwight's skull like a styrofoam cup. "It had to be done." He tells himself this because the alternative is unbearable. But maybe the alternative is all Rick sees now, as though the coma has lifted him to a higher plane of awareness unsusceptible to the rose-tinted glasses of infatuation, and now Rick can see the flags waving in his face have been red the whole time.
"So you think that's why Dad dreamed about you killing Glenn and Abraham?"
"It has to be. Why else would he make me the villain? Why not his right-hand man or at least a love interest who gets eaten by zombies? I was his goddamn boyfriend."
"Don't say that."
"Fine, partner," Negan corrects, rolling his eyes.
"No, you said 'was'. You're still together. Unless there's something you're not telling me."
Negan says nothing, stares at the floor.
"Are you seriously gonna give up on him just 'cause of a stupid dream? What happened to all that 'have faith' crap you kept talking about? Maybe you should actually talk to Dad instead of just running out on us. Isn't that what your dad did?"
Negan hears himself laugh. "Fuck you, kid."
"I'm just saying."
"You're saying a hell of a lot for a kid wearing Simpsons pajamas."
Carl looks down at his sleep pants, frowns. "Shut up. You know I'm right. You're just scared."
Negan is, in fact, fucking terrified.