Chapter 5: Frozen
"Why don't you start by telling me why you left the Fire Nation?" he suggested.
"The truth is…" She sighed. "I never wanted to leave. I even tried returning to the Palace, but…" Her face grew sullen. "I just… couldn't stay."
He cocked his head to the side with puzzlement. "They wouldn't take you back?" He found that hard to believe.
"No, no, no." She shook her head dismissively. Her eyes were transfixed to the floor. "A couple weeks after the whole Kemurikage ordeal passed, I snuck back into the Palace using one of the many secret entrances – I just wanted to see how everyone was faring before making myself known. And, well… I watched them for a long while from amongst the shadows. I saw…" Her jaw began to quiver. "I saw Zuko and Kiyi playing a game of Pai Sho. He even let her win." Her breathing grew heavy and disturbed. "And then Noren came in to tell them dinner was being served. I followed them to the dining room, where Mother was already sitting. I… I watched them eat a family dinner together, laughing and smiling, thoroughly enjoying each other's company."
The agony on Azula's face and the strain in her voice were heart wrenching. A part of him wanted to reach out and pull her close to him, to offer her words of comfort, to soothe her pain, but the other part needed to hear the whole story.
"I watched Mother and Noren tuck Kiyi into bed and read her a bedtime story. And after she fell asleep, they had tea and dessert with Zuko. He shared stories of his adventures with his friends during the War. He… didn't even mention me. Nobody did." As she blinked, tears streamed down her fair cheeks in parallel, dripping off her jaw onto the wood floor. She wiped her face.
"You… you feel like you've been replaced?"
"I haven't just been replaced – I've been forgotten!" She burst into tears.
He found it odd that he felt more heartbroken hearing those words than he had felt when he and Suki ended their relationship. He didn't know what to do or say. "That must have been a nightmare," he whispered.
"No," she breathed.
Through the tears, he watched her smile. A fractured smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"It was… perfect." Her breathing was ragged, her words constricted. "The perfect, happy little family. Just the four of them. Just as they were. The family Zuko's always deserved."
Seeing her shattered like this completely altered his past perceptions. She had a heart. She just wanted her brother to be happy. He had been so wrong about her.
"I would have just… ruined everything. I would have destroyed their happiness, and… I just couldn't do that. So I left and never looked back."
She was sobbing and yet, all he could think about was how beautiful she looked. Red nose, rouged cheeks, unpainted face and all. He must have been sick. Deranged. Well… he had always noticed her beauty. How could he not? But her ruthless personality had always gotten in the way, clouding her radiance. But now that he could see her, truly see her, her beauty shined brighter than the stars.
She took a deep, labored breath. "And so I came here. Far away from everyone and everything."
"I-I'm surprised the Northern Water Tribe would readily accept a Fire Nation citizen, even if you weren't recognizable."
Her crying began to subside. "What's not to accept about plain non-bender Reiko from the colonies?"
He was stunned. The most powerful firebender in the world was willing to live the life of a non-bender just to preserve the happiness of her family.
"Selling my jewelry was enough to purchase my home, but in order to feed and clothe myself, I needed to find work. And, after learning the politics and philosophies of the Northern Water Tribe, it was quite apparent what I had to do." After all this time, she finally found the strength to look him in the eye. "Sokka, did you know that women were once prohibited from learning waterbending as a means of fighting?"
"Yes, I did know that – "
"Well, now they're allowed to learn. But what of the non-benders? Non-bender male citizens are allowed to fight, yet these conservative civilians do not see the value in non-bender women. So I took it upon myself to teach them some self-defense – "
"Which is why you have to keep it a secret," he finished. Everything checked out. He felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions. Azula was just trying to make an honest living for herself. To start over. In a new land where people wouldn't automatically assume the worst of her. But it was disheartening to see how she sacrificed her life as a firebending prodigy to live the same humdrum day over and over as a commoner. Frozen in time in the frozen tundra.
She nodded. "I'm going to miss living here." Her voice trembled.
"Azula, I-I'm not going to rat you out! You can stay here – "
"No. I can't. No one can know where I am. Don't you see?! I-I need to be alone." Tears cascaded down her cheeks in relentless streams once again. "It's the only way. If I'm alone, I can't… do any more damage."
Now he understood everything. Her actions. Her chosen words. 'Stay away from me if you know what's good for you.' She was warning him, not threatening him. 'Please go. I… I need to be alone.' She felt that she needed to be alone to protect others from herself. That she was a force of destruction.
"Besides… I'm doing just fine on my own," she whimpered. "I don't need anyone."
Liar. Everyone needs other people. Family. Friends. Lovers. He knew she was only saying this to protect herself, but how arrogant! A fire stirred within. The logical part of his brain shut off. He released a low growl, slowly backing her up against a wall.
She looked up at him with defiance. "What are you doing?!"
He slammed his hands against the wall on opposite sides of her head. His blue eyes sparked with a feral gleam. "Proving you wrong." And then his lips came crashing down on hers.