Nesta honestly wasn't sure if he'd ever fly again. His wings weren't healing and her instincts were telling her that when the others returned, they would bring with them nothing but bad news.
…
Nesta's instincts were right. Rhysand called a meeting the following afternoon at the House of Wind. Elain had organised two healers to come and watch over Cassian whilst the others held their gathering. It consisted of the high lord, his inner circle (excluding the injured Illyrian) and the two Archeron sisters.
"It's not good." Rhys said sadly. "We went to as many trusted healers as we could, even a few witches who have helped us in the past, but none knew of anything powerful enough to save Cass' wings."
Nesta had distanced herself from the conversation. She stood outside on the balcony, her body leaning back against the pillar (she had felt so drained the past few days), while the others piled into the couches within earshot.
Amren spoke up, "So, we let him heal on his own. We buy some basic ointments, keep him sanitary and continue to get as much food in him as we can. The pain meds will help with the long process." Nesta could hear the desperate tones in her speech.
Azriel looked deflated and shook his head. Mor sat on the arm of his chair and if Nesta hadn't been watching closely she wouldn't have seen the blonde lean into him.
"He won't heal on his own." Rhys spoke, his voice strong. "He's not going to heal full stop."
Elain's eyes widened. "What are you saying?"
Nesta's brother-in-law sighed, "His wounds are infected. We've all seen it; the constant layer of sticky, red-black blood, the puss flowing in streams and clotting in places, the redness of his back." Rhysand stood and began to pace. "He's only going to get worse. If we don't amputate," Nesta became alert at the word "we may lose him to the infection. It will spread, eventually making its way into his bloodstream."
"What?" Elain asked, her eyes beginning to water. She was always someone who attached to people easily, one to absorb, amplify and then project the emotions of others.
"If the sickness spreads he'll die." Azriel clarified in a blunt but gentle way and Mor placed a hand on his shoulder.
"So amputation is the only option?" Amren asked in rushed speech, almost willing the conversation to be over.
"Yes." Rhys answered solemnly. "I don't like it. I wish there was another way, but there isn't. And the longer we wait, the worse it will be for him." There was silence for many moments before he talked again. "I'll tell him when I see him at dinner."
The three closest to him agreed to go with him but Nesta questioned the decision. "Why tell Cassian at all?" she asked, "You know how he'll react. He'd rather die with his wings than live without them."
Rhys ran a hand through his dark hair. "I will not do this without his knowledge, Nesta."
"But what good will telling him do?"
"What good will lying do? He'll go to sleep with wings and then he'll wake up with nothing but a gaping hole in his heart. And what do you think he'll do when he figures out that it was us, that we were the ones that went behind his back without consent and stole such a treasured part of him?"
Rhys' voice was on the verge of breaking point but Nesta wasn't giving in. "Consent? Consent? You think you're going to tell him your plan and he's just going to accept it? 'Oh yeah guys, that's cool. Take away the thing I love most in this world. Go ahead. I'm A-Okay with it.'"
No one said anything. The group avoided her gaze, clearly they were all siding with the high lord.
Nesta couldn't believe it. How could they not see what he would do when he found out?
"Fine." She threw her hands up. "Majority rules. I get it. But don't expect me to be a part of this anymore. I don't want anything to do with it."
And with that final statement she left, trying her hardest to slam the door on her way out for good measure. She didn't care that she had five thousand steps to walk down before she got back to her city she would climb five thousand steps just to get away from them.
"Idiots." She muttered. And they were. They were idiots for not seeing the repercussions of their scheme, for not seeing the consequences their actions would have.
…
A whole day passed before Nesta saw any of them again.
She guessed it was a few hours passed midnight when a knock rang throughout the floors of her home. Dressed in only her night gown, Nesta pulled on her light silk robe and headed downstairs.
"You were right." Morrigan admitted as soon as Nesta opened the door. The blonde looked dishevelled, a mix of sleep deprivation and starvation, so she invited her inside.
"What happened?" Nesta asked, placing the girl at the breakfast bar before turning to make some tea.
Mor sighed, her head in her hands. "Cass tried to kill himself." Nesta froze, a small amount of hot water burning her fingers before she realised and moved the pot away. "Rhys told him earlier tonight and when I came up to give him his food he seemed to be sleeping, as if he hadn't really heard or comprehended the news, so I simply left the meal and his water by his bedside."
Tears were spilling down Mor's cheeks slowly. Nesta moved to sit next to her, the tea forgotten, her only thoughts of Cassian. "I should have stayed with him." She continued, crying. "He smashed the glass and used it to slit his wrists." she sobbed, "How could I just leave that there for him? Deep down I knew he'd try something like that but my mind was so clouded and cluttered and I just wasn't thinking. Nesta, how could I let this happen?"
The blonde cried into Nesta's shoulder. "Listen to me. You made a mistake and you have to find a way to deal with that." She pulled her back to look her in the eyes. "But he's alive and right now, that's what matters."
And truthfully, because she was more concerned with Cassian than the woman in front of her she added, "Would you like some company on your walk home?", hoping she would get the hint.
Mor leant back, wiped her cheeks and smiled. "I'll be fine. I know this is I lot to ask, and that you said yourself you didn't want to be a part of this, but could you swing by in the morning and check on Cass' place for me?"
Nesta lifted an eyebrow. "His place or the people inhabiting it?"
"The second one." She smiled sadly.
"I'll go now."
"Thank you, Nesta." Her reply was sorrowful. "I'd go myself but I don't think I'd actually be able to step inside."
"That's understandable."
Mor nodded. The two exchanged a quick, awkward hug and went their separate ways.
…
A half-hour later and she was running through Cassian's front door way. She didn't bother to knock, which may be why her sister jumped when she entered. Nesta probably looked a mess as well; hair down, chest heaving and dressed in only a silk nightgown and robe entirely too cold for this hour.
"You heard?" Elain queried when she composed herself.
"Mor came to see me. Why didn't you?"
Elain sighed, "I couldn't leave. Rhys was a mess and it was clear Mor couldn't be here so I sent her home. I figured you'd find out eventually. Besides, I didn't think you wanted to be a part of this?"
Her sister was snapping and Nesta knew it was only because she was exhausted however, she couldn't help but defend herself.
"This is exactly why I was against telling him! I knew what he would do and I-" Elain cut her off.
"So why weren't you here, Nesta? If you knew how he'd react? It was clear you didn't agree but you were outnumbered. The least you could have done was stay, or did you not want to hurt your precious ego?"
Elain's voice was growing louder and Nesta practically jumped down her throat to shut her up. "I figured someone would be with him at all times. I didn't want to be around to see him suffer, to hear his cries – his anger." Nesta refused to cry, but she's always been stubborn and in an act of defiance a single tear rolled down her cheek.
After several long moments Elain asked, "Why?", but Rhysand's voice from upstairs brought an end to the conversation. Nesta was relieved. She didn't know how to answer Elain's question.
…
"Can you bring some food up here, please?"
The oldest Archeron could see her sister deflate at the question and she placed her hand on Elain's shoulder, doing her best to ignore their fight. "Go home. I'll stay for a while."
"I thought you didn't want to be here?"
"Well, I am now." she sighed, "Get some rest. Be back here tomorrow."
Elain saluted her big sister before pulling her into a hug. "I love you, you know. No matter how many times we raise our voices."
"Love you too." Nesta squeezed, "Walk safe."
Elain smiled and shut the front door behind her.
Nesta prepared another tray of soup and bread, tapping Rhys on the shoulder as she stood in the hallway. She gave him a look that said, 'I'm pissed but I care.' She nodded her head in the direction of the guest bedroom and added a second glance, 'I've got this.'
Rhys shot her an apologetic look followed by a grateful one as he walked away.
Cassian was awake when she entered, turned on his side and facing away from the light. He hadn't noticed her straight away but mumbled a, "Get out." when she sat the food on his bedside table.
Nesta tried to act indifferent towards him, "I'll do no such thing.", but it hurt. How could a person change so much in less than twenty four hours. The last time she saw him they were laughing together. He was smiling. But the person on that bed looked like he'd never give the world that gift again. He, now matching his wings, was devoid of life.
"I don't want you here."
She walked into the ensuite to wash her hands and glanced back over her shoulder, making eye contact with him, "I don't care." But she did and there was a part of herself that hated the compassion she felt for this man, hated that the lack of a spark in his hazel eyes made her feel such sadness.
"Leave."
"Eat and I will."
She had lied. He had known it.
Cassian ignored her exceptionally well after that. He didn't touch the food she'd prepared and he hadn't even taken a sip from the glass of water when she took the meal away three hours later.
Nesta needed a break from the silence, the eerie quiet that closed in on them both, to the point where Nesta felt she was close to suffocating. So when Rhysand knocked on the door and said something about getting herself dinner she practically fell out of her seat in her haste to leave.
She was finding it incredibly difficult to keep up her uninterested, unaffected act and knew that if the High Lord hadn't come in, she would have broken down eventually. And whether that crack in her façade resulted in a flurry of tears or a furious tantrum, she wasn't entirely sure.
She ran her hands through her hair. Nesta hated it. Hated everything about this gods damn situation. She hated seeing Cassian give up. She hated that he couldn't see the worth he still held.
Her throat was closing up again. Her breaths came in more shallow puffs and her brain ached in a warning of the oncoming headache.
"Nesta?"
Azriel was sitting at the dining table, not three feet from where she was currently trying so hard not to fall apart. The shadow-singer met her gaze, and if the house wasn't so dark, she would have been certain that she saw tears in his eyes. His eyes; they were filled with concern, but not for her, for him.
"He's not good." Nesta spoke and her voice trembled slightly.
"I thought I'd check on Mor." He said it as if his actions weren't justified, as if he'd betrayed Cassian by leaving his side.
"How is she?" Nesta asked as the Illyrian stood and made his way towards her.
"Terrible." Azriel stopped next to her at the bottom of the staircase. He stared at the floor above while she stared at the door. "Do you think it's a bad idea to go up there?"
Nesta sighed. "I honestly have no idea." Her head fell into her hands as she rubbed her eyes. "He's different."
"Understandable. It's bound to take him some time to adjust."
"No, Azriel," she placed a hand on his arm, pulling with the slightest amount of pressure so he'd look at her, "he's not the same."
He placed his palm over hers for the smallest of moments before turning back and ascending the stairs. She waited a few minutes, until she heard both his and Rhysand's voices, and then followed.
…
When Nesta stood in the door way, she was reminded of how close the three of these males were. Azriel was sat on the left side of Cassian's bed, long legs stretched and ankles crossed in front of him. Rhysand was on the other side, the desk chair pulled so close to Cassian that Rhys could have rested his elbows on Cass' chest.
None of them spoke. But the silence was different to the one she encountered with him no less than ten minutes earlier. The atmosphere was comfortable, contempt, and she knew that even though Cassian would have been disgusted in the choices they made on his behalf, he loved them, wanted them with him. They were his family.
Then something changed, and the air went cold, and the three of them stiffened.
"Why are you still here, Nesta?" she flinched. There was no emotion behind his words, just a deep exhaustion as if her simply being around tired him.
"Why?" her voice cracked. Salty water began to build in her eyes as she stepped into his bedroom. "I should be the one asking you that. I came to help, Cassian," the tears fell as she spoke his name, "and you ordered me to get out, to leave. Why?" her words came out broken.
He pushed back the covers and stood, using every piece of strength he had, and whilst his brothers were shocked, they made themselves scarce, understanding that this tension needed release. "You honestly don't know?" His voice was low but there was power behind each word. "You can't figure out why I wouldn't want you here?"
Nesta sobbed silently, biting her lip to stop her face from crumbling. She couldn't open her mouth, couldn't speak even if she wanted to.
Cassian took a pained step towards her. "You remind me of what my life could have been."
"You, Nesta Archeron," and he said her name differently, as if she was the guardian angel at the end of a reoccurring nightmare, "brought something new into my life. From the moment I met you I knew I had to know you, and I knew I needed you from the moment you stood up to those insufferable mortal Queens.
Late at night, when the sky was decorated with stars and the rest of the city slept, I thought of you; of this captivating woman beyond the wall who cloaked herself in fire and hated my kind. I thought about the idiocy of my attraction and the impossibility of the entire situation but despite the odds, I couldn't help it – I let myself fall for you.
And even though I knew there was no hope for the two of us, I let myself envision a life with you in it, at the centre of it.
But then my wings were sacrificed and the last thing I remembered before I woke was you, the woman who constantly plagued my thoughts, being thrust into that fucking cauldron and turned into something you despised.
And I knew that whatever future, whatever fairy-tale I'd allowed myself to create was shattered beyond repair."
She took a step towards him and then another and another until they were so close she could have ran her fingers along his death-sentenced wings. Instead she reached her arms around his neck, finally allowing her sobs to break free from their confinement.
It took several long moments before Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist and wrested his head atop of hers.
They stayed like that for quite some time, finding comfort in the simple things; the feeling of their bodies pressed against each other, the warmth of his hands on the small of her back and the feeling of her fingers running over his shoulders.
"I love you, Cassian," Nesta whispered without thinking, as if it were the most natural thing in the world and she smiled into his neck, placing a kiss to his smooth skin, "with or without the wings."
She could feel his body shake as his own tears fell and she pulled back just enough to see his face, to wipe them away with her thumb.
"This is the part where you say it back, dumb ass."
Cassian laughed and Nesta would have collapsed at the sound had it not been for his muscled biceps keeping her against his equally muscled chest. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, her temple, her cheek, her jaw and finally her lips.
Nesta melted. She ran one hand through his dark curls, the other moving from his face to his chest, coming to rest above his heart.
The Illyrian broke the kiss slowly, ignoring her whimper of disapproval and stared into the Archeron's eyes. "I love you, Nesta. With every piece of me that's still left standing, I love you."
She feels it snap into place when he says those words, the bond that both of her sisters have already experienced, and she's certain he feels it too because he sits back on the bed, pulling her down to straddle his lap, and slowly unclasps the buttons on the back of her nightgown.