Captain Charles Pellon was still talking and Kirk tried to pay more attention as he felt, hoped, that there might be something, even just one word, that would drag out of his memory at least one of those missing pieces. Perhaps even that small missing piece that Bones had said could trigger full memory. Pellon had been there and seemed to be, again, repeating all that he had said on the trip to Command. There was nothing new. There was nothing that took away the emptiness, that took away the image of Spock falling, that stopped him from hearing the words that Spock was dead, or that took away the knowledge that he had fired the phaser that had killed his closest and best friend.
Every so often he was aware of a deep sigh coming from the man beside him and he wanted to reach out and reassure him that somehow they would get through this but he had too many doubts. While he knew what it was doing to himself he knew that McCoy was also being effected as, despite all the outward signs, he was close to Spock. He had seen McCoy come in and get permission to be there siting he was "the accused's personal physician". Four times he had been aware of McCoy really watching him and knew with McCoy's skills and how long they had known each other that it was his friend's way of taking care of him without going full medical.
Pellon had mentioned that there had already been the talk about the two specialists who had gathered the artifacts and samples from Jubliline Five and their statements were read which both stated that they had been concentrating on the safety of the items they were both vague about what had happened. They were both aware of Pellon being in control, heard the odd bits said but knew they were safe so largely ignored what Pellon and Kirk were talking about, and only turned to see Spock fall.
"We were all waiting for beam up with the artifacts and specimens wanted when First Officer Spock deliberately disobeyed a direct order in the field from a commanding officer. Kirk's only option for such insubordination was to fire his phaser which he did. It should, as per regulations, have been set on stun but it was set on kill. He fired his phaser, hit and killed Mister Spock. Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Harold Czacheck, rushed to check on Mister Spock but he was dead. Kirk seemed to be in shock. I immediately took command and ordered a beam up. Upon arrival on my ship I ordered Kirk transported to the Enterprise. I then issued orders that no officers were to be beamed down and then was transported to the Enterprise to assume command with Chief Engineer Scott as my First Officer as I had the specialists to see to and assure them that the rare samples gathered would be kept in a secure area, as well as giving orders that nobody else was to beam back down as there was no telling what sort of reception they would get and I did not want to risk any more of either crew members. We then came directly to Command."
"And you are sure that no officer from either ship beamed back down?"
"I am certain that none of my crew would have beamed back down and I would trust Kirk's crew not to disobey a direct order."
"And First Officer Spock's body?"
Kirk noticed how, without hesitation, Pellon had looked at the five man panel and said, "As soon as Doctor Czacheck said he was dead I ordered him back to the group and, seeing the security guards had clearly been shaken by what had happened I ordered an emergency beam up of the surviving landing party and samples. There was no time."
Deep inside him Jim Kirk felt fury at the fact Pellon had left Spock's body yet he knew, by the regulations, it was the right thing to have done. Pellon was following set procedure where he concentrated on the survival of the living, even if one of them was dead inside. As he looked at Pellon he remembered how the man was known to follow set procedures and not ask questions. He had not found it unusual that Pellon had stayed aboard the Dakota rather than being on the Enterprise as the Dakota was still his ship. His ship. Yes, once the numbness wore off and the memories returned he would be returned to his ship, he would again be the Captain of the Enterprise but that bridge would never be the same. There wee no words for how he wished Pellon had left him there as well.
"Did the Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Harold Czacheck, not request that the body,"
"With all due respect, Sirs, at the time and under the circumstances I ordered him to rejoin the landing party and leave the body. It was my duty to secure the safety to the remaining personnel."
"And he left immediately to rejoin you?"
"Not immediately as he seemed to pause for a moment as though giving him some sort of religious absolution then came running to us as he clearly recorded what he had seen."
Religious absolution? For just the briefest of moments Kirk looked at Pellon, surely the man knew Vulcans. Then he stopped. No. No, how could he? How could anybody who did not get to really know Vulcans understand even the elementary level he had from what Spock had shared with him. Had. For just a moment he felt himself start to lose his control but felt a hand grip his left forearm and turned to see two blue eyes watching him.
It was clear that McCoy had heard it as well and had known how much it would hurt to remember all those shared moments, all those things Spock had told them about so many Vulcan rites and beliefs. It was also clear, looking at his friend, that he had not heard anything different either. The only change Kirk had noticed was with McCoy, how at first he had seemed to avoid seeking answers in his special bottles but now, now having known him for so long, Kirk could tell McCoy was drinking to dull the pain he had most likely not allowed himself to acknowledge or accept.
McCoy had heard that Jim Kirk had been summoned for a hearing before the Council regarding the next assignment of the Enterprise. He had given several statements as to how the events on Jublilne Five had clearly caused a temporarily mental disconnect by James Kirk and that it would take him some time to totally accept what had happened. He had said that there was no way Jim Kirk would have fired a phaser set on kill at Spock. He had said that it was the realization that there must have been something wrong with the phaser despite all the tests showing there were no faults with it and it had been clearly been set on kill and the only prints on the weapon were those of James Kirk and the officer who had handled the weapon for investigation. There was no way what Pellon said made sense. Spock never deliberately disobeyed direct orders, it was against that blasted Vulcan training as well as the very nature of the man. While it was understandable that the two specialists had not seen or heard anything it still annoyed McCoy as it could have helped him find some small thing that could possibly help bring his Jim Kirk back to them.
As he studied the man next to him McCoy realized that the James Kirk who stood beside him now was not quite a shadow of the Jim Kirk he had seen beam down to that planet. He knew that there had been severe damage done to the core of the Jim Kirk he knew as his friend and that the James Kirk who had been the best of the best Captains in Star Fleet was buried so deep under layers of emotions, self-blame, guilt, doubt, and uncertainty. Others who did not know him would only see a man deeply upset by his actions and the death of a fellow officer but McCoy knew the crew of the Enterprise, especially the senior crew, would see he was lost not only in loss and guilt but also that terrible place between certainty and doubt.
The others had not seen how Jim Kirk would just go and stand in what had been Spock's quarters and lightly touching a piece on an unfinished game of chess or picking up and hugging to him the book of Vulcan poetry Spock had been reading. Others had not seen the tears and heard the repeated "No." those first two days Kirk had been in the isolation room in Sickbay. They, and even Captain Pellon, did not know of the mild sedation he had kept Jim on those first few days when Pellon would come to Sick Bay and ask why he had the phasr on kill, why he had killed his First Officer instead of stunning him. None of them had seen how a few times Kirk had turned around almost grinning as he said "Spock" as though expecting him to be there. In his report to the Council that they had asked for upon their arrival he had stated that in his opinion Jim had shown improvement and he suspected that he would be able to declare him fit to command within another twenty-one standard days. Just looking at Jim now he wondered if he had not been optimistic as his friend was still very lost in pain and a cauldron of emotions.
Doctor McCoy paused for a moment recalling what he knew of Doctor Czacheck and knew that the man was a doctor known to respect the body of his patients in life as well as in death and he was sure the man would have paused by Spock's body before leaving it to offer up a prayer. He knew he would want to see and thank Czacheck for doing that for Spock even if the Vulcan had often said how he did not believe.
"Doctor McCoy," the chairman of the panel looked steadily at him and McCoy inwardly braced himself for the questions he knew were coming about Jim's mental state, "it has been noted that you have stated that Captain James Kirk should be mentally ready to resume duties as Captain of the starship Enterprise in twenty-one more standard days, is that correct?
"That is my medically based findings, yes. It might be sooner but I would say that in twenty-one more standard days he will be fit to command the Enterprise."
"Doctor McCoy, while that is wonderful news," Pellon looked at him, "and we can ill-afford to lose an officer with his skills and record we cannot waste the potential for further exploration and discovery with the Enterprise by not sending it out on another mission. I am sure Command has other missions ready for the ship and crew."
Again the chairman spoke, this time his tone was different, more assertive than before as he looked from McCoy to Pellon, "You are correct, Captain Pellon, in that while we were not fully prepared for a delay such as we are having in the turn-around time of the Enterprise we are,"
There were two bleeps from the main communication console and the chairman looked away from Pellon to the screen then at Kirk before McCoy saw the uncertainty in the man's eyes when he looked directly at him, "That was Doctor Czacheck who has asked to see Captain Kirk now and alone. He said he would give a full report to this meeting after seeing Kirk. He specifically states Kirk is to go alone, Doctor McCoy, and that he will contact us when they are to return. No doubt he will confirm your findings as to Captain Kirk's abilities at this time and be able to tell us his projection as to when Kirk can be in command of his ship again."
When he had turned to face his friend Kirk had just looked at him and nodded, "I'll, I'll be okay, Bones. They would need a second and maybe even a third opinion. You and Scotty keep minding her for me." He watched as Kirk turned, faced the panel, and said, "If you gentlemen will excuse me." then left.
As he watched his friend walk away he wanted to go after him, wanted to be with him to ensure that Czacheck did a proper assessment, wanted to be there for Jim if things got too stressful. Too stressful? Maybe before this he would never have thought of anything being too stressful for James Kirk but there had always been that silent figure with him or nearby that his friend so often turned to for mental support, there had always been that quiet presence that was there just that half-step behind him by his side. Before there had been that silent support by his side, the support that he knew he could not give to his friend. For a moment, in an attempt to calm himself, McCoy found himself, spontaneousness he left the room, doing the slow deep breathing exercise that that silent figure had taught him so long ago to maintain some control of his emotions. Carefully he reached into his chest pocket and turned off the transmitter Uhura had given him. The bridge crew and Scotty would have heard it all, they did not need to hear him fighting to control his emotions as he had tried to for seventeen days.
It seemed longer, much longer than only seventeen days ago that he had joked with the two of them about going down to Jublilne Five just to watch some artifacts being collected when Pellon was also there. How casually Jim had joked and used that old Earth expression about "ours not to reason why". Only it had turned out not to be a joke. What had come up from Jubliline Five had not been the man who had gone down and was only half of the vital duo that had gone to that planet with Pellon. What had come up was an empty shell of what had gone down. It was like only a portion of the being that was James T. Kirk had returned, a portion that functioned almost out of pure trained routine rather than spontaneous intelligent reaction. He had seen others in states of deep shock many times, too many times, while on the ship but never anything like this and never Jim Kirk. It had taken him four days to even say what had happened and then only that he had killed Spock. For days he had tested Kirk's memory and skills and while he was not as highly responsive as he needed to be to captain he was slowly improving and yet still had no recollection as to what had happened on the planet apart from firing the phaser and killing Spock. One by one he had contacted the different specialists he knew and some he had only heard of for ways he could try to break through to Jim but nothing had worked.
When he got back to the Enterprise he again went over all the readouts starting with readings from the transporter and there was nothing. All the readings were normal with no traces of unusual substances. He accessed Doctor Harold Czacheck's records and felt confident that he would know how to help Jim as the man had been on the Manatanga and a few years ago they had exchanged nine crew members for three months and the specialist nurse that he had worked with had talked about how like Czacheck he was in his approach to treating and caring for his patients and what he expected of his staff. Even knowing that he told himself it was okay for him to be restless and concerned till Jim was back where he could keep an eye on him.
As Kirk had walked to the transporter he just wanted it all to end. He just wanted to find out what he could not remember and then to stop remembering what he had done. He knew that no matter what had happened, what had made Spock disobey on order he could not remember giving, nothing changed the fact that he had fired the phaser and killed Spock. As he turned on his position he saw how Scotty looked at him, no blame only concern. It was the same look he had received from the other bridge crew and most of the regular crew. The crew wanted him back in command and he was keen to be back in command but knew he had to get answers to so many questions first . Pellon had said that he would accept that it was not so much his fault but what he had to do. The question that kept repeating in his mind was why. He was hoping that perhaps Czacheck could help him remember as the beam took him from the Enterprise and, as he materialized on the Dakota, he wondered what he would remember, if maybe not knowing was better.
A/N Thanks for reading. Have fun - too hot and humid here to do much outside so may get to retyping another chapter this afternoon after walking the dog to and from the river pond.