While Jim Kirk was away McCoy thought he would go back to the ship and tell the others what they did not hear. From the reaction of the crew he encountered from when he materialized aboard the Enterprise till he got to the bridge he could tell that word had spread about the ship as to what had taken place. He remembered how that exchange nurse had said her ship was also like the Enterprise as the crew was more a family than just officers on the same ship. Although they were docked he knew the bridge crew and Scotty would all be on the bridge waiting.
"Do you think this Doctor Czacheck will be able to help the Captain?" Uhura asked almost as soon as he had entered the bridge.
As he looked around he saw the questions reflected by the expression of the faces of the others, "Well, he was there and might be able to get Jim to remember more. He is also very highly skilled in successfully treating what is commonly referred to as an acute stress reaction before it can become a long-term stress disorder."
There was silence for a moment and, as he looked at the others, McCoy was certain they would be thinking, as he had, of Jim Kirk's fate if Czacheck could not help him. He remembered, as they would, when he had accompanied Jim to the Bridge four days after they had left Jubliline Five and Jim had just stood looking at the Science Station shaking his head, tears streaming down his face, and saying,"No. No. No." as he shut his eyes, hugged his chest, and bowed his head repeating, "No. No. No. No." It had nly been with Scotty helping him that he got Kirk back to Sickbay and sedated. Although he had gone several times with Kirk in the turbolift to the bridge not once had Kirk stepped onto the bridge nor looked towards the Science Station. It had been a major step when Kirk had stopped getting tense when the doors opened and they first saw the bridge and that he longer said "No." so often. While there had been some improvement to Jim Kirk's mental health McCoy knew he was far, very far, from being even close to being able to pass any psych test needed for a position in Starfleet let alone as the Captain of a starship.
"Aye, I read where he was the doctor on the Manatanga and was able to help so many after that. If ye and he can nay find a way help the Captain," Scotty went quiet and shook his head, "I best get back to me bairns so when he comes back we are ready. T'was grand to hear what happened down there. We could nae be there in body but ye and the lass here let us hear. Just call me if ye need me."
It was as though that was the trigger as Chekov said, "There is an old Russian saying about preparing the sled in summer and the cart in winter so I best have the station ready for when he comes back."
"Come to think of it I should do another total systems check of the ship to ensure it is up to his standards." Sulu turned to face the array of displays before him.
"And there's that dialect of Vulcan I, I," Uhura stopped, closed her eyes for a moment, shook her head, then looked directly at McCoy, "I must master before I talk with his parents and explain what happened." There was an anger in her eyes that McCoy knew he had not seen before, "It seems Captain Pellon told them only that Spock had been killed by the Captain on an away mission and that they would be given the details later."
McCoy took a moment to register what she had said and could tell, when he looked at the others, that they were just as surprised. Scotty had stopped just short of entering the turbolift and the fury was plain in his stance and more so in the expression on his face. "He'll nay step foot on my ship again. He'll nay step on her and live to step off her. T'was nay his place to tell them and nay in that way."
"I would call him a Cossack but that would insult all Cossacks."
"I will refuse to obey any order from him." Sulu had looked at each of them then very steadily at McCoy, "Nobody who does that is worthy of being called a Captain."
"And with all the new languages and dialects I need to know I simply will be too busy to hear him."
"Now as I am sure I could get a post in any hospital Jim might be sent to, however," McCoy smiled as he realized just how this group really was a family. " am I correct in believing you four are talking of mutiny?" He saw how they all looked at him and he smiled, "If so count me in."
Sulu was looking at him and McCoy could see the uncertainty about the man, "Do you believe that the Captain will be able to deal with being here, as Captain, without Mister Spock also here as his First Officer?"
Leonard McCoy knew the man well enough to hear what was not asked, the question none of them had openly asked. They had all seen how close they were, how so often Spock had the answers before Kirk had asked the question, how just a nod or a glance was as good as an order. That silent communication was part of what made this group so special, was what added to that special thing they knew was between Kirk and Spock.
Aware that the others were now really look at him waiting. Waiting for him to answer a question he had feared having to face so many times. Both men knew that there was a possibility that one time one of them might not return to the ship but he doubted if either had thought of it being like this. "I really do not know, Sulu. At the moment I only hope that Doctor Czacheck can break through that mental wall he has up. He is not allowing himself to accept what happened. Captain Pellon and his security officer both were clear about what happened. Czacheck has asked not to make his statement until after he has had a chance to fully examine Jim in the Sickbay on the Dakota. Knowing Czacheck's reputation he will be very thorough and use methods others may not think of. I have no doubt he will be in contact with me before Command and will be very honest and exact. I know he had done a course on dealing with Vulcan patients so that might help him discuss things with Jim."
Slowly McCoy stood and headed to the turbolift, "I'll be in my office if anybody is looking for me. I think all of us need to get some sleep or at lease more rest while we can."
"And I'll be getting back to me bairns."
As they entered the turbolift McCoy looked at Scotty, "I think we both better have a little liquid courage and stamina. Care to join me?"
"Aye. I think we will all be a'needing that afore long. They did nay see the Captain when he came aboard. Now I've seen many lose ones close to them but what I saw, well, it t'was more than that. It t'was like only a part of him came back."
In McCoy's office as they drained their second glass of liquid courage and stamina McCoy looked at the Chief Engineer, "I only hope that even if he uses one of his way too unorthodox methods, methods he has been in trouble for using, he is able to help Jim deal with what happened."
"We will have to have a service for the crew as many have been asking. They know we nay have his body but they still want a service for, for closure." As he placed his empty glass on the table the Scotsman briefly closed his eyes then looked at McCoy, "I still can nay believe it. Not just him being dead but the Captain killing him. I can nay think of the Captain without Spock. I do nay know if I ever will. You best keep that," he indicated the bottle that McCoy had picked up, "in the drawer for when we really need it. Not now as all we can do is wait. Tis hard but nay else we can do." He took a few steps and looked back at McCoy, "Ye should follow what you told us. Get some rest while ye can."
McCoy put the bottle in the drawer and looked at Scotty. "Wise advice. I will do what I can about it while waiting to hear from Czacheck. Soon as I hear from him I will let you all know."
After Scotty had left McCoy finished what was in his glass, folded his arms, and rested his head on them just wanting to think. His last thought before he went to sleep was of how unbearable life would be without Kirk as well. He was only just about to accept the reality of Spock being gone but knew he had to hold on till he got Jim back, then they could help each other accept life without Spock.
It was not accepting a life without Spock that James Kirk was thinking of when he materialized on the Dakota, it was living without Spock. It was living knowing he had killed Spock and that there was absolutely no way he could have done that. He needed to know what had happened. Too much of it seemed unreal, almost like a dream that was a nightmare.
Jim Kirk immediately recognized Doctor Harold Czacheck as he stepped down and the Doctor approached him, "Captain Kirk, I am to fully assess you and see if there is some way of bringing back to you those events you have, for unknown reasons, not been able to recall. Please follow me the Sickbay." There was something in the man's manner that Kirk remembered. He had been aware of it earlier, almost from when they had met before going down Jubliline Five, a sense of having met the man before that but not for medical reasons.
Once they were in Sickbay Czacheck had indicated a chair, and when Kirk had sat the doctor said, "Now, tell me about what you do remember."
It was almost rote to him thanks to Pellon and McCoy. "My First Officer and myself were ordered to help Captain Pellon and four of his crew as well as yourself and two specialists collect some samples and artifacts that the government of Jubliline Five had gifted to Star Fleet. I can remember that Spock, yourself, the two specialists, and two security officers beamed down first and then Captain Pellon and myself with two more security officers. We were not on the planet for long when there was some sort of a commotion and more Jubliline Five security arrived. I remember an order, Spock not doing as ordered, the phaser in my hand, and seeing Spock fall, seeing you rush to him while an officer held me back, you saying he was dead, and then nothing till I was back on the Enterprise."
"Good," Czacheck pointed to a biobed, "Shoes, socks, and shirt off and get on the bed on your back, please. And while you are doing that tell me what you remember of getting back to the Enterprise."
Anger started to fill Kirk but he said, "After you saying Spock was dead I have no real memory. That security guard who had stopped me going to Spock kept holding me."
"Did he keep holding you while you beamed back to the Enterprise?"
"No. Pellon's guard took me. We, we beamed to the Dakota first then I was beamed alone to the Enterprise. You, you must know more about it than I do as you were there as well. That, that guard who stopped me from going to Spock was your guard."
Kirk felt a deep anger in him grow as Czacheck had been there and knew what happened. It had been Czacheck's guard who had stopped him going to Spock. He noticed that the room was darkened and welcomed it as it would hide the growing rage he was feeling.
"Now, Captain Kirk, I want you to close your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly fifteen times, then tell me everything you felt from the time you left the Enterprise till you belovedreturned. Ignore what your other three senses told you for now. Tell me only what you felt tangibly and intangibly."
He had not believed what the doctor wanted as he had had no feelings since he had heard that he had killed Spock. He existed but he did not feel and now this doctor who was so different to Bones wanted him to tell him what he had felt. He could almost hear that beloved Vulcan voice saying, "Feelings are emotional and illogical, Jim, but you are Human and emotional so feel." He slowed his breathing and counted to fifteen.
"I remember," it seemed strange how only now was he aware of what he had been aware of then. "Beaming over to the Dakota as Captain Pellon had suggested it we meet on his ship before beaming down. I remember feeling relaxed as you made us welcome and Spock was there and relaxed which was my main indicator of a situation. It did not seem unusual, from what Pellon said, that he and I beam down after you although I did not like the delay as I was used to beaming down with my crew. While there was a delay in materializing it did not seem unusual as the Dakota had reported that many of its systems were showing their age. On the planet it seemed everything was normal and you and the scientists, along with Spock, got on with getting the samples and artifacts and talking with the representatives of Jubliline Five. I was relaxed as I knew Spock would be watching all that was going on and had fast reactions as well as the ability to talk us out of many situations. It seemed odd that Pellon had asked me several times how I was feeling and then he had said something and made a gesture I did not understand about the same time I felt the phaser in my hand."
He slowed his breathing again as unwelcome things were coming back to him, "I, I, suddenly felt very anxious, then felt the slight tension as I fired the phaser, and then nothing after I saw Spock fall and realized I had fired the phaser There was your security guard grabbing me, preventing me from getting to Spock. I had no feelings except loss, disconnection, and of being totally alone till I got back to the Enterprise and saw my crew. I was aware of feeling at home but it was not home, I felt safe yet afraid, I was aware of feeling the love and concern of friends who are closer to me than family and yet totally alone without that other half of myself. I am aware of what is going on around me and yet none of it seems to matter. I am merely living but no longer feel alive. I feel, from time to time, as though I can feel echoes of him in my mind. It is comforting and yet reminds me of what I did and what I so desperately miss."
"Perhaps I could talk with his father and arrange for a Vulcan healer to remove,"
"Ohmigawd! Has Sarek and Lady Amanda been told? I, I, I should have, I have to,"
"They are aware of the situation. Captain Pellon contacted them shortly after returning to the Dakota."
"The bastard! He had no right!" Kirk sat up and could only just make out where Czacheck was standing and glared in his direction, "The bastard left Spock's body there! He had no right to. He, he, he had," something tried to come forward in his mind but there was that annoying emptiness. "I, I have to,"
"Right now all you have to do, Captain Kirk, is lay back down and wait for me to return. Obviously you are remembering. I have spoken with the parents as you will later. They both seemed most concerned about your welfare. They will be interested to hear from you once you remember much more. It seems that Pellon only said that Spock had died and that you had been the one who killed him and that you had left Spock's body on Jubliline Five. Now rest. There is cold water for you on the table beside the bed. I do not want to have to bring in security."
Reluctantly Kirk drank some water then lay back down and tried to relax. Alone in the darkened room James Kirk did not think of what had happened on Jubliline Five but of what he knew about Captain Charles Pellon and all he had heard about the man. He knew Pellon had no first contact and would have been official and blunt when telling Sarek and Lady Amanda of Spock's death. He could not forgive the man for that. Thee had to be a reason for him to be such a bastard.
It was well-known Pellon's goal was to be the youngest Admiral in Command. The one fact that was generally known was that his rise in the ranks had been through temporarily relieving as an officer on different ships always at a slightly higher rank or with more duties rather that working his way up through the ranks and getting real experience on just one or two ships. He was known as a demanding senior officer by those who served under him and had only become the captain of the Dakota a year ago. Thee was a joke about how he would not know how to deal wth any situation he had not practiced at least a dozen times in simulations. It was reported that he did not like to fail and would not tolerate any form of refusal to obey his orders no matter how illogical they,
Illogical. The word stopped him as he could hear echoes of it in that voice in his mind. So many times he had been told his actions were illogical but likely to produce the wanted outcome. He started deep breathing again as he needed to remain in control, he needed to remember more before he spoke with Spock's parents, needed to speak with them before he even spoke with Bones and the others. Maybe Czacheck's rather unorthodox ways worked the way many of the ones Bone used to come up with after arguing with Spock. As a light sleep claimed him he told himself he had to ask Bones about Czacheck.
A/N Thanks for reading. Seems summer has arrived only two months late - very hot and humid in the afternoons but schools are in so beaches and rivers are ideal for self and dog. Take care and HAVE FUN!