I woke up at 3am and decided my one shot needed a conclusion. Life is hard we all know this, what I determine a hard life someone else will say I wish I had your life because my is harder. Perspective is a funny thing that way. Tragedy is something we wish to avoid...but your life is YOUR life because because you lived something unique.
Whatever your life is it's INCOMPARABLE to anyone else. I hope this chapter helps anyone to move forward through hard times.
Sunday Three
Time passes
Sundays go by in multiples
Scars fade
bones heal
Memories of little girls and ice-cream begin to fade
A new car comes with all the bells and whistles
Maura wouldn't have it any other way
The memories don't fade they never will
Driving that road gives me goosebumps and chills
Finding another route is easy to do
But every dog I see on the street makes me want to hide away
I once meet the man that crashed into me
He has a scar above his eyebrow and some pins in his knee
He says he is truly sorry says he didn't see me till it was too late
That he saw them lift me out of the mangled car
Bloody and broken and they carry me away
He said he cried many nights that he had almost taken my life
I met with him for his sake but I think it helped me to let go of the hate
I tried to joke that he ruined my favorite shirt but he didn't get it
He looked hurt and offered to replace it if need be and I laughed
How could he know all my shirts were the same it was just my humor
I was pleased when Maura arrived to take me home that day
Days pass and everything is the same
Cases to solve and hurt people to comfort
Helping those that have lost their life while I get to keep mine
Life moves on around me and I tag a few feet behind
Crime scenes with car crashes leave me disturbed
To everyone else I am only distant and sad
That's the thing about scars you see
Everyone has them but they cannot be seen to the naked eye
The way we think and the things we do are because of the things that happen to you
I learned to hate the saying to walk a mile in someone shoes
You meet people that have been through the same as you
But the physical things have nothing to do with the mind and heart
Coping skills and survival kits mean we all cope in a different way
Feel things different hear things different see things different think things different
No one has experienced my life
A complex accumulation of thoughts
Anger and hurt the driving motives
Fear and love the limitations
And the feelings are only the completed bundle of it all
Maura understands in the best way she doesn't pretend she knows how I feel
She comforts me when I wake in fear just like she always has
It is strange to most that this scar is deeper than being kidnapped or shot at
To explain is not easy
I put myself in those places and thats the dangers I am aware of in the job
The crash was unexpected and I had no control of it or the events after
My perspective didn't fit what happened and it was unknown and scary
Like losing my baby I was in pain and woke up to a heartbreaking change
A loss of something that was a part of me and I could do nothing about
I learned that when I can do something and choose I have no fear
But when it's someone else's decisions and I can't change it Its hard to let go
But for someone else a car crash might not leave a permanent bruise inside
Maura understands in a way as she remembers hoyt
She was powerless to move she could not stop his blade
I took control and stopped him for her and I'd do it again at the cost of my life
After the crash I swore I would never loose control again
But ontrol is a hard thing to hold onto
You are drowning when you don't have it and you hurt others when you do
Its a dangerous balance of surviving
It is living by another name
The peace is only there when the dangers are far gone
And the sad thing is that self-preservation now trumps protecting the innocent
Can I go back
Can anyone go back
I think it is possible if you can let go
If you can see that control is an illusion we hold
We have no control
It's all a delusion
So I let go because you can control nothing
You can only control your own choices I found
To Love
To give
To be kind
To share
To help others
To fear
To be strong
Others choices are their own
All choices mingle and effect others and that is the mess we call life
To be free to choose is to be free indeed
Now I am happy
Now I am free
Life moves on and I am moving forward with it
Everyday is perfect because it is a gift - It is a present - This moment is the present!