Jim Kirk did not know if he was relieved when Harold Czacheck walked back into the room or, even if he only ever admitted it to himself, afraid of what he would recall. He was still furious at the man for making him remember that Spock would have seen him pointing the phaser he used to kill him at him. Now he would have to go before that damned board of enquiry and tell them what he remembered. Every detail he remembered he would have to explain in detail to them, answer their official probing questions about it, and live with it for the rest of his life. Yes, he would have a life but he would not be alive. There were over four hundred officers who relied on him to do the right thing. How could what he had done be the right thing? How could they rely on him or even trust him? How could he face them let alone the bridge crew? And how the hell was he going to tell Sarek and Amanda what he had done?

As he got onto the bed and lay down with his eyes closed he said, "You said this was the final session so what now? You want me to remember it all in reverse?"

"Although that would help me assess your recall of events what I want you to do now is lay there with your eyes closed and breathe deeply twenty times then tell me everything you heard from when you left the Enterprise until you returned to the Enterprise."

"Everything?"

"Yes, all the sounds, voices, conversations, and words."

Although Jim Kirk thought it was not going to reveal anything of importance as surely what he had remembered last time was all that was needed. It was all he needed as he knew that Spock had been aware he was going to kill him. Knowing why he killed Spock would change nothing, Spock would still be dead. Dead at his hand.

"Mister Scott and Doctor McCoy told us to stay out of trouble as we got onto the Transporter pad. I remember that Spock and Mister Scott had said something to each other but I had been arranging to have a few drinks with McCoy in my Quarters when I returned so did not really hear what was said. Then there was the group on the Dakota with Pellon talking with the specialists before saying who was to beam down when. Pellon and his security officer had a bout of sinusitis and as we waited to be transported they asked how I was feeling and said that there was a sequential delay in materializing and not to worry. I remember hearing Pellon's voice as I materialized and he said I would be fine in a few minutes as I adjusted to the delay and to trust him. The two scientists were by where the items that were to be collected had been placed and were talking between themselves and their assistants-cum-security officers and you and Spock were talking and walking over to them but I could not hear as I was still feeling a bit dizzy for some reason. You had told your security guard to watch me and he had come and stood by me. I heard Pellon say to be alert as he had heard the security guards here were most protective and may not want the artifacts to be taken. I heard his security officer saying he was ready. The four Jublilne Five representatives were there and one of them said Pellon in a way that sounded like something disgusting and reviled then their security started to come forward."

"As the man said Pellon's name how did he look and how did Pellon look?"

"Yes, I looked at him as I did not know Pellon knew of anybody there as he had said he had not been there before. The man looked like he wanted to kill Pellon. When I glanced at Pellon he did not seem surprised at all. Spock stepped forward and asked if there was a problem which made their security guards stop then one of the representatives started to talk, he said something about Pellon's last visit. I heard Pellon say this is bad, then a phaser in my hand and him saying to stop it, to stop Spock from causing trouble. I heard him call out Spock's name and say 'Now" just as Spock turned to face us. I, I fired the phaser. It made a different sound to stun and I saw Spock fall. Your security guard gripped me, pinning me so that I still held the phaser, and said, "Stay still." and called out, "I have him." as you ran to Spock and examined him before saying, saying he, saying he,"

The view screen from the room McCoy was in to the darkened room Jim Kirk was in lit and McCoy could see how Kirk was firmly holding on to reality while being made to relive those moments. He heard and saw how his friend was remembering more, most likely more than he was saying. It was clear that having to relive those moments when Spock was killed were tearing him apart yet Czacheck seemed to think of them as important for Kirk to think about, to concentrate on. .

"Saying he what, Captain Kirk?" McCoy heard Czacheck's voice and silently wished the man would shut the hell up yet knew that the man knew what he was doing, knew he was the most experienced at helping officers as severely traumatized as Jim Kirk was.

"He, he's dead."

It was again that image, that moment before him even in the dimness of the room. Every detail so clear, so very clear this time. So many things he had not remembered were coming back to him. Czacheck turning to them, looking not at him but at Pellon and saying "He's dead." This time he remembered the coolness of the breeze, the way the aspen like trees moved, the expressions on the faces of the specialists and their guards, the tightening of the grip the security guard had on him and hearing him say "Stay still." and "I have him.", just as he heard Pellon's voice saying, "Excellent.", and the voice of his security guard saying, "Yes."

"What else, Captain Kirk? Was there anything, anything at all between when I declared Mister Spock dead until you returned to the Enterprise that you now remember?"

"I heard Pellon say something was excellent and his security say yes just after your security guard had tightened his hold on me and told me to be still. Pellon called for an emergency evacuation. I, I saw, I saw how you reached out and touched Spock's body as though in benediction. Pellon ordering you back in time for the beam up telling you to leave Spock's body. Then Pellon thanking me as we materialized back on the Dakota and then Doctor McCoy and Mister Scott asking me if I was okay and asking where Spock was."

"You seemed what, annoyed or angered that I touched Mister Spock?"

"Pellon just left his body there. You at least got to touch him, you got to, you got to say goodbye to him. You got to," almost uncontrollable shaking seemed to seize Kirk as he fought to not entirely breakdown. Although he had seen the beam hit Spock and seen Spock fall he had hoped he could get to him, to say how sorry he was and goodbye but that damned officer held him back. Spock would have seen him holding the phaser. Spock would have known.

McCoy heard a click and knew it meant that access to the room Jim was in was available and, after hesitating for a moment, he realized that his friend needed him now. No matter what was to come, Jim needed him now. He slid the door open and took four steps into the room towards his friend, "Jim, its McCoy, I'm,"

There were very few occasions that McCoy could remember where he had been so tightly embraced, nor when his friend had clung to him as though clinging to life itself. For at least, by McCoy's calculations, three minutes Jim Kirk had clung to him and very uncontrollably sobbed, repeating over and over that he had killed his best friend. The only thing McCoy knew he could do was be there and hold his friend, rub his back and let him know he was there for him to hold onto for as long as he needed. Gradually he felt Kirk regaining control of himself and when Kirk did look at him he saw a man so haunted by what he had done that McCoy wondered about his friend's sanity.

"Oh, Bones. He would have seen. He would have known. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. Pellon left his body there. He could have had it beamed up but he didn't. He beamed us up and left Spock's body there. Czacheck at least gave him a benediction."

The lighting brightened gradually as Czacheck entered the room. "Actually you are wrong there, Captain Kirk."

There was no mistaking the anger that flashed across Kirk's face as he turned and looked at Czacheck, "What the hell do you mean by that? I saw you."

"How aware are you of the many skills and abilities of engineers and scientists on the Dakota, Captain?"

"What has that go to do with,"

"In other words you, like so many others, do not know that many of the engineers and scientists on the Dakota were on the Manatana."

"What has that got to do with,"

"What those scientists and engineers were able to come up with was an individual transporter unit to my SickBay. It was one of the few things we managed to salvage and had not been fully tested." Czacheck hesitated for a moment as he saw some hint of realization showing on both faces and he nodded. "But right now I need you yo think, Kirk, Think back, Kirk. Think back to what happened as you pulled the trigger on the phaser."

"Do you think I will ever forget that? I aimed the phaser and fired. I killed,"

"Think, Kirk, think. Did the action of my security guard happen before, during, or after you fired?"

"I felt the phaser in my hand and," Kirk stopped and looked at McCoy then at Czacheck then back at McCoy as he shook his head, "I do not remember drawing my phaser nor starting to pull the trigger." He looked back at Czacheck, "I was pulling the trigger as your officer gripped my hand and bear-hugged me," Kirk shook his head and looked at McCoy as he remembered just starting to pull the trigger, "I cannot remember setting it on kill. I did not set it on kill, it should have been stun, it should have been stun." The realization he had not done something as elemental as checking the setting of his phaser had cost his friend's life brought back all the horror and the reality of what he had done. He could see sympathy about the blue eyes looking at him as he kept repeating, "It should have been stun, it should have been stun."

"But it wasn't, was it?"

"No. It was on kill. You said he was dead. You gave him a benediction."

"A benediction?"

"You pronounced him dead and reached out before coming back as Pellon ordered for beam up."

"Kirk, I am not an overly religious man and I know Vulcans are also not that religious. It was no benediction."

Anger filled Kirk, "If it was not a benediction what the hell were you doing reaching our and touching him after pronouncing him dead?"

A/N Summer might have come late but it has come with full force. Think if I have any more berries and ice cream I will be a blimp by autumn. Hope all is well with you guys. Thanks for reading. Enjoy.