Chapter 7: No One Eats Var!
[3/7/24 | 8:13 p.m. | Floor 56, Pani | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 459]
"So, Ruru sang a lullaby which made you think that 'soothing the savage beast' is the key to beating the GeoCrawler. Now, you want me to play the lullaby on it?" I was having trouble believing that someone other than a crazy fangirl was asking me to play a song. Well, actually, this was Asuna, so it's even more troublesome to comprehend.
"Hai!" she nodded affirmatively.
"You know that's bullshit. Earthworms don't have ears."
"It's more like an armored snake of sorts, but a fool like you wouldn't even remember what it looked like." Of course, the redhead replied before pointing a rapier between my eyes. Daito behind me growled warningly. With a hand on his head, I held him back.
"Crazy and eccentric, sure. But not foolish. The snake is in fact my cousin's Chinese zodiac. Even if I ran straight into your blade, I will still be living long enough to annoy you to death. That is if you wouldn't be creeped out by then."
Adorning a smirk on her face, she moved towards my partner.
"You wouldn't."
She replied confidently, "You still have to level it up more to properly accompany a player like you. It'll be dead in a minute."
"Not if you have my shield restructuring your beautiful face," I retorted darkly as the one on my arm glowed.
The staredown that soon followed lasted for another moment. Both of us gripped the handles tightly. A sigh broke the silence.
"Okay, I'll do it. Just let me try to remember something, and I'll be at the meeting ready in an hour or so," I conceded exasperatedly.
Her rapier withdrew back to its sheath, and Asuna gave a bubbly smile, "Arigatou." She ran off as dust trailed off in her wake.
Daitoragon gave me a questioning look. I only replied, "Bitches are crazy, man. But, then that's sexist if you consider the crazy guys in the world, like look at me; so to put it better … humanity's going to shit."
(An hour or so later)
I walked into the cave when the conversation of other players went on. Eying a familiar black coat with a similar monochrome one as well leaning on the wall, I sat down on the rock beside them. The din of everyone else's voices slowly died out as the meeting reorganized itself.
The question came out, "So, what'd I miss?"
Kirito answered, "Nothing much. Asuna just talked about the new plan and how you were going to play the lullaby crucial for it."
Gale added, "And the rest of the players are talking about how you might manage to change it up." He whispered discreetly, "I have 150 betting that you play a heavy metal riff and have it bleed to death from its ears."
"Aye. And you do know that earthworms don't have ears."
The slightly familiar, soft voice of Sachi scolded at her guild leader, "Zenka, you know you're not old enough to gamble. It's a bad habit."
Said teen switched poles and was bowing over and over in apology, "Yes! Yes! Okay, I withdraw!"
A new voice arose, "So, Varlancer-san, do you have the lullaby?"
Dismissively, I answered, "Eh, just something classic. Nothing special. Already got it down."
The heavy armor clanked as the gauntlet slammed on the table authoritatively, "Varlancer-san, we need to confirm that you can fulfill your role."
I looked away from the two to stare indifferently at the red-armored knight with an older face, graying hair, and a grim look.
"Heathcliff, I am confident that I will carry out my role, but since you want assurance, I ask that I do so alone."
In their surprise, the others murmured amongst themselves, "Is he insane? He's going up against the GeoCrawler by himself. / This is the Kowareta Kabe we're talking about. He always had the highest Defense stat to survive any of the crazy stunts he does. / Either way, he is going to go through hell if he doesn't make it back to the gates."
I continued, "I was originally against your commander's idea, and I myself have doubts on its success. Therefore, I'll go in alone in case the plan fails. Losses will be minimized."
Behind me, Gale grabbed my shoulder, "But Var! We're not going to lose anyone if we send in everyone to defend you."
"No, but you could lose lots of potions if it decides to use the environment or ram all of our tanks at once or some crazy stuff like that. We can't go grinding again to resupply those resources, or else we'll have to wait for another season for the monsters to respawn."
"Of course we can afford to do that! You are not going to risk death when the rest of us could prevent it!" replied Kirito angrily.
Before he finished the sentence, I ran off to the entrance where my trusty steed awaited, "Ha! I gambled with Death quite a few times! Besides, I'm unkillable! Wait at the gates till I'm done! Now, Daitoragon! Away!" Then my tortoise-like partner charged off to my destination.
(At the gates)
"So, this is now a thing. Using my music for an actual boss battle is going to be a bit awkward, don'tcha think guys? Everyone knows people like killing things with the good ol' weaponry or by finishing them with some kind of fatality puzzle thingamajig. Then, another thing. Since Ruru sang the lullaby in Japanese, which is not my language, I am forced to make up an English dub. And that means this is gonna suck. Like, you guys are probably still wondering why I am being such douche ditching everyone like that. And the reason was … I'm forgetting the lyrics already and I need to go now! God!" I broke through the door and ran down the valley.
"Hey, you! You need to talk to me before you can go in!" the guard NPC called out.
My feet skidded to a halt as I began my customary ritual of the …
"Sentai Avatar Change!"
After that long flash of light, the guitarist emerged. A slightly less than formal dark gray suit went over the white dress shirt and lighter gray tie underneath. My pants were simple black slacks with same-colored dress shoes. Now, add on some heavy metal shin guards, elbow pads, forearm guards, shoulder pads, and a small plate strapped over my heart. A black Stetson along with the four-pointed star visor adorned my head and face, respectively. Uchumisen, the guitar, was held in my hands in all of its wooden and metal-plated glory ready to rock.
"The soundtrack of Sword Arts. The chorus of Clearers. Kyoku no Kaikō, Dacanos!" A classy, sexy acoustic instrumental played. "A-sanjou!"
Pebbles skittered across the dirt as the GeoCrawler came thundering down. I tipped my hat down and experimentally plucked a couple strings, testing some notes. Finally satisfied with the condition, I have officially initiated the battle.
"Oi, Jeff! Don't make me do this!"
The boss kept coming.
"I'm serious, Jeff! Don't! Eh, fuck it. Ruru's Lullaby, activate!"
The first note rang its first sound to the air. Now, let's see if I have a new audience group to attend to.
(Now, since this is actually a song from the manga, there is sadly no actual music to listen to go with the lyrics, so in my case I decided to go with something along the lines of the Hearthstone theme.)
The travelling musician hailed from the south
With a lute in his hand, and a song in his mouth.
There was only a brush of those magical silver threads.
Lalalalalalalalala, sleep awaits.
The village chief and his long beard.
The weapons shop uncle in all his greed.
Kids in the plaza running round around.
The black cat on the roof with a nap to need.
A robin singing merry tunes atop the tree he's on.
Even the serpent can hear through its iron armor this very lovely song.
Dadadadadadadada, everyone's asleep.
Despite its Immortal Object status, wood splintered by the sheer force of the incoming army bursting through the gates.
"Var! Get out of there! It doesn't work! GTFO! GTHOOT! ESCAPE! BLINK! FLASH! FLASHSTEP! TP! Use the Q! Or W! Or E! Or your Ult! Get out!" Gale yelled at the top of his lungs.
I was pissed off by the fact that I even took the time to make a decent English dub, and yet it was terrible, I still sang it. Could things feel any more meaningless in life? The gaping maw of the giant worm was just above me.
"Aw, son of a bitch."
[Third-Person P.O.V.]
The players suddenly froze in terror as they witnessed the loss of the tankiest Clearer known in the game. All gone in a single chomp. (Plus a few chokes, gags, and broken teeth on the Geo Crawler's part. This guy has a lot of bones.) The stumps of the two legs left behind fell and dissipated into data.
"Var!" the agonizing yell echoed through the valley walls.
"Attack!" the unanimous command soon followed.
Weapons of all kinds struck at the unbreakable iron armor only to bounce off harmlessly. The monster retaliated by driving back its intruders. Players went flying as they were knocked back from its headbutt or as boulders tumbled down from the shaking ground on the sides. Kirito, Asuna, Gale, and Sachi were fending off the boulders as they came. The GeoCrawler wasn't losing ground, and the warriors grew weary.
"Kah! Asuna, why didn't it work? You should have told us that before we'd lose Var!" Kirito shouted while he sliced through the rocks.
"Hah! It's because the baka sang it in English. The System probably only recognizes the song sang in the exact same words in order for it to work!" Asuna replied irately.
"Well, at least you could've tried teaching Var Japanese so that he didn't have to get fucking eaten." Gale pointed out in subdued anger.
"Everyone! Can we focus on actually finding a way to beat the boss?" Sachi pleaded.
"It's okay, everybody. Just take a seat. I got this," a voice rang out in their minds.
"Is anyone hearing things?" Kirito asked.
"Oh hell yeah, you are. Now excuse me as I take control of your bodies."
"Wait, what?" they all said.
"So, just checking System alterations, a bit to change the boss programming, getting this under the radar, making up some new items and … there. Now, you become IDOLS!"
From left to right it was Gale, Sachi, Asuna, then Kirito with the girls in the front and the guys in the back. Asuna and Sachi were dressed in black vests, ties, white mini-bonnets (I don't really know what they are) with bows, and skirts; and the former's was red and pink themed while the latter's was blue. Kirito and Gale wore hoodies under black vests and black pants, and the swordsman's was golden yellow while the spearman's was dark blue.
J-Pop music played from invisible speakers until some pretty crazy shit happened. (If you don't get the reference, search up this song, watch the video, replace the regular characters with SAO ones, and just start listening to the full version. Then, you read this. Hope you enjoy.)
["Yakusoku no Kizuna" – Risa Taneda & Minori Chihara ft. Yuri Yamaoka]
Asuna: Tenohira ni tsukanda yakusoku wa
Sachi: Eien ni kienai takara mo no
Asuna: Itsuka miageta
Sachi: Sora no kanata ni
Both: Bokura no asu he to michibiku Future Star
Cue pulling down the Fairy Tail fingers.
The stars are pulling off some pretty damn well-coordinated dance moves like straight from some J-Pop star's concert. Guys are dancing in the background while girls are doing the actual singing.
What's even more damn weird is that the GeoCrawler is just staring.
Music dies down a bit for the verse.
Asuna: Kimi to tomoni nagashita namida
Marude yoruwo kakeru ryuusei de
Sachi: Negai goto ga kanau no naraba
Hitotsu daijina mono wo mamoru yo
Both: Kiseki wa guuzen janai doryoku no keshou de
Donna kurayami ni mo utsukushi yume wa aru yo
Cue epic chorus with a lot of hip-shaking and popstar-teasing-not-really-fanservice-but-really-fucking-kawaii shit going on.
Both: Motto mae he susumou akiramenai kokoro
Kimi to naraba ganbareru
Mudana koto wa nai yo
Ue wo muite waraou
Ichido kiri no tokidakara
Wasurenai yo egao donna tsurai michi mo
Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru
Tadori tsuita saki ni
Nani ga matte iyou to
Asu wo terasu kizuna wa Future Star
Okay, players are still going 'Dafuq'.
Okay, the GeoCrawler is still staring.
Okay, a little bit more dancing.
Damn, shit's really fucking weird.
Asuna: Kujike sonna hitori no yoru wa
Itsumo kimi no egao wo omou no
Sachi: Naze ka munega atsuku naru kara
Sukoshi mae wo muite arukeru yo
Both: Nakama wa kakegae no nai bokura no seishun
Nidoto modorenai kara taisetsuna uta ga atta
Now, readers, which one of you is thinking or still is thinking how the fuck is this possibly a game mechanic?
It's okay, don't be shy.
Both: Zutto mae he susumou hikari no hate made mo
Kimi to naraba koe rareru
Kowaku nanka nai yo dakara tsuyoku waraou
Namida nuguu omajinai
Mayowanaide iku yo nagaku kewashi michi mo
Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru
Donna kanashi kyou mo donna kurushi kyou mo
Asu wa kitto kagayaku Destiny
The solo interval! Whoo!
The four people are all in front of each other in a column.
Now, everybody who hasn't seen this thing before, if you thought things can't get better than this. Well, you stand corrected.
They all opened up revealing Ruru, the little village girl, running up.
Imagine this little girl, a loli even younger than Silica and more like a 6-year old Yui versus the actual one, dressed up like a motherfuckin' fairy princess. Yes, SAO manga readers, by now the kawaii meters are over 9000.
Ruru: Motto mae he susumou akiramenai kokoro
Kimi to naraba ganbareru
Mudana koto wa nai yo
Ue wo muite waraou
Ichido kiri no tokidakara
All Girls: Wasurenai yo egao donna tsurai michi mo
Itsumo kimi ga soba ni iru
Tadori tsuita saki ni
Nani ga matte iyou to
Asu wo terasu kizuna wa Future Star
Finally, it all ends here. The GeoCrawler's reaching critical mass kawaii. The players are too along with their 'BULLSHIT!' meters. I am listening to this song again, grinning like a maniac. The idols have done well.
Asuna: Tenohira ni tsukanda yakusoku wa
Sachi: Eien ni kienaitakara mono
Asuna: Itsuka miageta
Sachi: Sora no kanata ni
Both: Bokura no asu he to michibiku Future Star
The five people are panting from the big performance and the GeoCrawler is in a daze like a fanboy after getting high on K-Pop and J-Pop. Now's the time to attack while the worm's unaware, but …
"Who's gonna kill it?" Kirito asked the armor-piercing question.
Cue 'Oh, shit' faces.
However, in the nick of time, half of its head exploded into shards as an all too familiar figure burst out bashing and smashing.
"You ain't never eatin' me! I'm gonna bust. Yo'. Face up!" Var yelled angrily.
The GeoCrawler roared in agony as the player kept thrashing around in its skull. Then, the tank pulled it over backwards and jumped down with claws on his right hand. Its tail flailed about until it was grabbed firmly in a gauntlet and promptly shredded to pieces. When he made it up to the armored segment, Var sent his hand straight up from the opening, and the boss exploded in a shatter. Var is left with an arm poised exactly like the performers except with the bird flipped upwards. How's that for an ending?
"Thanks for the save, Grim," Var said.
(No problem. Even plot armor would have difficulty getting you out of that one.)
[4/22/24 | 12:38 p.m. | Floor 59, Danac | Sword Art Online Part 505]
A swordsman in a coat was lying on a hill next to a tree. Nothing special. Just such a peaceful ambience with some nice guitar OST that only some truly annoying prick could ruin the moment and ask …
"What are you doing?"
He looked up at the white-clad fencer standing over him. Damn bastard probably had a nice view, too. Like I can't see anything except hair and clothes from where I'm at. Wait, locking on posterior. Zoom. Zoooooooooom. Dammit, abort! Abort!
Still closed eyes, he replied, "What?"
"It's you," Asuna started explaining, "The other lead group members are all working hard to clear the dungeon. Why are you taking a nap? Even if you're a solo player, you need to be serious –"
"It's Aincrad's nicest season," came the plain answer, "and today is its nicest weather setting."
The guy is right. Today is such a lovely day.
"Entering the dungeon on a day like this is such a waste."
"Do you not understand?" the redhead asked in an annoyed tone, "Every day we lose here is one we've lost in the real world."
"But right now, we're alive here, in Aincrad."
Again, the guy has a point. Technically, this virtual world is an extension of the real world we live in, all in the same way a MMORPG is supposed to be for players to just make a different life. So, honestly, I don't see how much different it is from wasting your life away on WoW. This game is just one jacked up in prescribed steroids for addictiveness, because, first, you're forced to play full-time and, next, you actually are a "living, feeling" persona (at least in your mind). Time spent here is just time spent. It didn't give a shit if we didn't spend wisely, so deal with it. YOLO! (Now I must go barricade my door and booby-trap the entrance with anti-WoW-addicts sticky bombs and anti-YOLO-haters turrets.)
So, with those words of wisdom, the cold vice commander was stunned. Now chain for a combo.
"See?" second strike, "The wind and sunlight feel so good," mini-crit burst, "Do they?" armor-piercing attack, "There's nothing special about this weather," subtle backstab, "If you'd lie down a bit, you'd understand," K.O. blow!
And that, men, is how you get chicks sleeping with you. Demonstrated by a Harem King himself.
(Several hours later…)
Now, yes, I may have woken up early and watched them sleep, but this was in non-creepy Twilight way. It's a bit uncomfortable being right underneath the sun while napping on a branch, so my back and my limbs feel awful. Oh, Kirito's up.
The teen wiped his eyes before beholding the sight of a girl sleeping next to him. Not just any girl, but Asuna. Because Kirito is a shounen Harem King.
"Hey, look," a player passing by with his friends pointed out.
"Asleep already?" one questioned.
"Some people don't work too hard," commented another.
"Who are they? Jeez…"
A voice that totally wasn't mine called out, "IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER, BAKAS! I leave it up to you people whether I was sarcastic or not," it added quietly.
"I didn't think she'd really fall asleep," he rubbed his eyes.
It's a bit obvious if you look at it.
(Some more time later…)
Rise and shine, princess! And the girl is waking up drooling with a blade of grass on her cheek. How cute.
"What…" as she looked at the boy sitting on the wall.
"Ohayo. Sleep well?" the question came courteously.
The slender hands instantly grasped the rapier on her waist. Take cover, men! I hope you have heavy-armor codpieces! ….. Great, she's cool.
"Ichijiki…" Dafuq? "Ichijiki!" ENGLISH, MOTHAFUCKA'! DO YOU SPEAK IT? Actually, she doesn't, considering she's Japanese and all. Besides, I already have subtitles, so she's saying 'one meal'. So much for that quote. Still, what is she saying?
"I'll buy you one meal of any kind," she finished, "then, we'll be even. Okay?"
Kirito blinked before he stood up and suggested, "Well then, ummm, there's this one place …"
The couple – I mean, two players that are each of the opposite gender (that are totally not being shipped already since, like, Episode 2? Maybe this one.) walked off to the town.
"Okay, Daito. You can get up now," the ground split as the Dragon-Turtle-Torterra-Hybrid rose up.
I jumped off one of his branches finishing the little soundtrack from the beginning of the whole napping thing with Uchumisen.
'You know you're heavy, even with medium armor.'
"Aw, don't complain. I didn't particularly like the feeling of a wooden knob poking up my ass."
'You've been mutilated in that avatar in worse ways. I don't see your point.'
"My point is that you, my good familiar and friend, are telling me to stop enjoying naps on you. So, I'll just sleep on top of the shell. No getting on the tree. Except if there are a lot of bears."
'Do you honestly think that you can understand me?'
"Of course, I can! It doesn't take some insane imagination to pick up on your vocal tendencies."
The same players from before came by again, "Hey, check this out."
"Talking to his familiar?"
"Some people aren't handling their stress correctly."
"Who is that crazy guy? Crikey…"
I death-glared the. "Daito talks to me like any other human being, douche bags," I said under my breath.
[4/23/24 | 4:23 p.m. | Floor 57, Martin | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 506]
"Hmmm, I have a bad feeling about this, viewers. Something's getting on my back and it's really pissing me off. And I don't know anything that should make me this pissed-off. So, let's just take a look around the town again. Maybe check out Agil's."
However, on my first step, I bumped into a random player and knocked him down with a sound of clanging armor. Massaging my forehead, I peeked at the man in front of me. Heavy armor similar to some HDA guy, brown spiky hair, reminds me of some lance-user. Who's this guy again? (Don't ask me.)
"Sorry, didn't see you there. Famously known as Varlancer. You?"
"Schmidt. Defense commander for the Holy Dragon Alliance. We've seen each other in boss fights."
Oh, no wonder I don't remember him. Yeah, his guild and I had some issues after the whole 'fight for the revive item' fiasco last Christmas. "Really. Don't you have important guild work to do in the front-lines or something? I don't see why you're back here of all places."
"One of my former guildmates contacted me. She was from my old guild, Golden Apple. Soon, we're having a meeting."
As soon as I heard 'Golden Apple', I've had a good idea of why I'm here. "Take me with you."
"Huh?"
"Come on, Herr Schmidt. I've got some things to contribute to the discussion. Where's the rendezvous?"
(5 minutes later…)
At an inn, I saw the couple – ahem, I mean …. come on, we know this already … standing by a chair with a wavy, blue-haired girl sitting on it.
"Var? How'd you get here?" Asuna exclaimed.
"Believe me. I got to know what happened with Golden Apple. These people are gonna help."
"What business do you have with them?" Kirito faced me.
"I made a promise with someone. Hell, it's been six months, but I take time with everything. She wanted me to find her guildmates."
The girl gasped, "Six months? Y-you mean –" Everyone else stared at me, as well.
"So, you guys know something. Fill me in."
After they explained the PK in the town just yesterday and how Grimlock (Grimlock NO MURDERER! Grimlock BADASS! And Grimlock NOT HUSBAND! Him KING!) is trying to avenge his wife's death by eliminating the potential traitors who possibly sold her out, starting with these two and the guy from yesterday; I nodded in understanding.
"Is it really true that Kains was killed with Grimlock's weapon?" Schmidt asked.
Yolko, the other girl, nodded, "It is."
"Why would Kains be killed after all this time?" the man continued, "He … Did he steal the ring? Was he the one who killed Griselda?" He beat his hand on his lap, "Does Grimlock plan to kill the 3 of us who opposed selling the ring? Is he after you and me, too?!"
"It could be another member, and Grimlock-san gave them the spear," his former guildmember added.
I raised my voice, "This Grimlock is probably after you guys taking from what you said, but if anything's for sure, Kains or any of your other guild members didn't directly kill Griselda."
Kirito raised an eyebrow, "How do you know?"
If anyone could see my eyes, they'd be pretty dull from the shit that went down from that time.
"Because, I was there."
[-]
Now, this is a rather two-sided chapter: one weird and the other less-Var than usual. I promise more action-packed content for next chapter, but this part of LPSAO has gone somewhat darker. Depending on how well I do next chapter, hopefully, you readers will see. Plus, first tense CLIFFHANGER! WOO!
Now to the reviews:
Skyar Triv: 1. Damn right, Shurikenjer's the best! Now if only I could find an mp3 of the Shurikenjer's guitar solo for Revolver Mammoth… 2. Thanks for noticing! Honestly, there's not enough Diamond and Pearl Adventures fanfics on this site last time I checked. And with all of the over-the-topness, crazy comedy, and HARETA; those were really great 8 volumes. 3. Believe it, Gleam Eyes won't know what hit it.
Crimson Homura: I know better not to use Daito for cupcakes (No, it should be for a nobler cause … MUFFINS! No, actually, he's too awesome of a familiar to be baked! Ha!) This chapter did have an amusing moment between him and Var for a short time. Hope you enjoyed that!
Alek Sands: This is awesome! Special thanks for giving suggestions for Var's nickname, so other readers, you better give this wonderful person some applause. Do it! (*polishing and honing the edge of a round shield*)
Infernus est in animo: (reads first review sent) Another reader laughs his/her ass off, that's good. (reads next one) Oh, I was wondering when someone would ask that. Well, Var is obviously the insane one, or at least one of them. But me? Ummm... Be honest. What do you think? READERS, DO YOU THINK I AM SANE? THAT ONLY AN INSANE WRITER COULD MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS? Seriously, I want to know.
So, next chapter, Var had been at the event of Griselda's PK and will tell us what happened. What the fuck happened? Well, stay tuned to find out!
Like (Favorite), Subscribe (Follow), and Comment (Review). For us never-really-forever-alones, GrimRangerLock, out.