AN:/ Thank you all so much. Everyone who followed, favorited and viewed, because you made my day.
Chapter 2 – I'll think about it
Katniss went through her days following a certain routine. The routine gave her a sense of order, the sense of having things under control. She usually got up around six in the morning. She was an early riser that was sure. There were days, when she just couldn't get up from the bed. She would shut the world off. Even Johanna. Cover her head with her pillow and wait till she fell asleep again, not strong enough to face the world. In the beginning, there were quite a lot of those days but they were becoming fewer and longer apart. Without Katniss even realizing it.
Those days when she could get up, she would go on a run in the woods. It was the best therapy for her. She didn't know how long her runs were, she hated running with her phone. She felt freer. She would run till her heart pounded so loudly she couldn't hear anything else. Till he legs hurt so much she couldn't feel the pain inside her heart anymore.
Then shower. Then force some food down her throat. Oh, god she hated that. Everything tasted like ash in her mouth. But she was doing this for Prim. Prim would hate to see her slowly killing herself. She knew that. So, for Prim.
Take a pill. Take a nap. And go to the bar.
She didn't know how it happened, but she ended up sitting next to Peeta. They didn't talk. Ever. But their silence wasn't uncomfortable. They weren't there together, but they also weren't alone. That was all that mattered. Then one of them would stand up to leave. But before that he would nod at the other. The other one would nod in response. And that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Of course, Haymitch noticed and would tease the hell out of Katniss if she was at the bar before Peeta.
"Hey gurl, where's your lover boy, huh?" She would just give him the finger and he would laugh.
One day, after maybe a month of silence routine between them, Peeta broke it.
"Katniss, right?" she was so startled, she couldn't form an answer. She just sat there her mouth hanging open.
"What? You thought I couldn't speak? Or is it you, who can't?" He chuckled.
"Ehm, no, I, sorry, yeah Katniss." Was all she managed to say. Oh god. She must have sounded like an idiot. Conversation was never her strong side.
"So why you spend all the time here? What are you trying to forget?" He looked straight into her eyes. His look was so piercing. Chill ran down her spine. She shuddered.
"What's make you think I'm trying to forget something?" She mumbled into her beer.
"Everyone does here." He shrugged.
"What are you trying to forget then?" She didn't even know why she talked him. So, unlike her.
"Are you just trying to be polite or do you really want to know?" She froze. She realized she didn't know the answer.
"I don't know." Words still mumbled by the glass. Refusing to look at him.
"You are a strange girl Katniss." That was all that was said between them that night.
Jo wasn't there when she came home. It didn't happen often, but Katniss was used to it. Jo said that every normal human needed to fuck from time to time. Katniss didn't know who she slept with, Jo would probably tell her if she asked, but she just didn't care. Probably some random guys from the bar. She used to tease Katniss about it. That she was probably gay or asexual always refusing all the hot pieces of asses as she called them. Said she would end up like the old witch from The Simpsons. The one with cats. But not anymore. Not after it happened.
"Hey Kat." She burst through the door. Clearly not only tipsy as she insisted to be.
"Hey Jo, oh god, you smell awful, is that weed? Okay, I'm not asking any more questions I don't want an answer to. I'm gonna sleep. Night."
"No pills tonight?" She asked, the smile and pride audible in her voice.
Katniss closed the door to her room without an answer.
The night was rough. She woke up frequently, but managed to wake Johanna only two times. It was much easier to wake up without the pills. When she got up, she took the orange bottle from the cabinet in their bathroom, took the other two bottles that were in her nightstand and flushed the content down the toilet with a satisfied grin. As she did, she realized it might not have been the best idea. But there was nothing she could do now.
She mindlessly went through her day. Then she found herself at the bar again.
"Heard you and lover boy talked yesterday. Expect to hear you two run away hand in hand soon." She blushed, which only made Haymitch grin grow wider.
"Who would think Delly couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut." She mumbled.
"Whoa there. I thought you didn't speak to me." He sounded really surprised even if he tried not to.
"Obviously, everyone thinks I cannot speak." She said, her voice sarcastic.
"Good girl" He said and left.
Soon Peeta was by her side. "Hey. How are you?" He smiled at her.
"Hey, oh, yeah, fine, I guess." She looked at him closely for the first time. He still looked as beautiful this close as he did when she first saw him. But there was something sincere in his eyes. Something telling her she could trust him. She blushed as she realized she has been staring for too long.
"I guess I should ask back, I've never really been good at small talk." She murmured more to herself that to him. And he knew so he waited patiently. She did the closest thing to smile she could manage. Her face twitching weirdly, not smiling in so long.
"So, uh, how are you?" Her voice sounded so tight.
"Katniss, you don't have to do that. Don't talk to me just to be polite. That's not who you are." Her fake small fell off her face. She looked at him again. He looked weird. Hurt was written all over his face. Strange.
"No really, I mean, um yeah, I really want to know how you are." Both equally surprised by what she said.
" Really?"
"Really." She nodded more confident this time.
"I've been better I guess, but who hasn't." He chuckled slightly. "But you are talking to me claiming to even want to do so, so I guess I'm having a good day." He smiled, little disappointed that she wouldn't look at him. The he spotted the blush creeping up her face. She looked cute.
Katniss didn't know what to say. Was he really flirting with her? Why would he do that? Then she remembered what they were talking about yesterday.
"Why are you here?" She said.
"What?" He looked puzzled.
"You said everyone here had something he wanted to forget here. What do you have?" She surprised herself how sincere she sounded.
"Oh, yeah, the reason." He silenced for a moment.
"It feels a little pathetic, when I think about it. Like a lot of people probably have it way worse. You included." He sounded sad.
"Peeta look at me." He did as she said. Too startled by her words, it was the first time she called him by his name.
"Saying you cannot be sad because someone has it worse is like saying you cannot be happy because someone has it better. Do you hear how stupid that sounds?" It was the longest thing she has said since her speech at her sister's funeral.
They only stared at each other for a while.
"My mother's got Alzheimer; it's been months since the last time she's recognized me." He said his eyes getting glassy. She thought there must have been more to it, but she didn't want to push him.
He blinked several times trying to get rid of the tears he felt in his eyes.
"What about you?" She knew this question would come soon; still she had to will the pictures of Prim out of her mind along with everything else that was threatening to overwhelm her. She massaged her temples. Her head beginning to pound loudly. She had to force herself to breathe. It took her several minutes to compose herself.
"I'm so sorry Katniss." He whispered.
"I didn't mean to make you sad." There was so much hurt in his voice it hurt her, too.
"No, don't apologize, it's fine, just, could we not talk about it right now, please?" Her voice was shaking slightly. But she felt almost proud of herself for doing so well.
He seemed to be weighing carefully what he would say next.
"We could do a rule. Every time someone touches something that the other doesn't want to talk about we would just say no. And the subject is dropped. No questions asked."
"Agreed?" It sounded silly to her, stupid even. But the longer she thought about it the more she liked it.
"Agreed." She said again more confident this time.
The days went by slowly. Soon she realized she found herself looking forward to see Peeta again. It was a weird feeling she didn't quite like.
Obviously, Jo couldn't have missed something like that. Or not tease her about it.
"Heard you were seeing the baker boy." Katniss frowned at her.
"I'm not seeing him. We just both happen to be going to the same bar. That's all." She sounded harsher than she originally intended.
"Whoa, calm down, I didn't know it was that serious with you." She said laughing at Katniss.
Katniss laughed, too, and playfully slapped her on the shoulder. Jo was so happy for her. It was the first Kat's laughter she heard since it happened. Maybe she could get better after all.
"So, tell me about him. I've seen him few times at the bakery. Oh god. You might need to hurry up or I'm gonna steal him from you." She laughed and sent Katniss a dirty look, which only got her another slap across her shoulder.
Katniss thought it felt good to be so easygoing again. They used to make dirty jokes all the time. For the first time, she felt like she wanted to get better for herself, not only for Prim. And that was a big improvement.
"Hey there." Peeta sat down on his usual spot next to her.
"Hey." Her voice sounded worse than she thought it would.
"Kat? Look at me." But she refused to; she didn't want him to see the tiers that were forming in her eyes.
"Kat, please, what's up?" He sounded desperate and hurt like always when she refused to talk to him. It's been two months since their first chat.
Long silence. She knew she would eventually tell him, but she had to calm down first.
"Mom called." Breathe in. Breathe out. Good girl.
Peeta looked at her, curious. She has never spoken about her before. She hasn't really spoken about any member of her family. Peeta would usually do most of the talking, but that was okay. He would talk about the bakery. About the customers. The funny ones, who would make his day. The rude ones, who he would mock and make fun of. The weird ones with even weirder orders. Quite often there were orders of large dick shaped cakes. The first time he told her she spit her beer because she was laughing so hard. Sometimes he would talk about his family, his older brothers and how growing up with them was hell and lot of fun, but mostly hell. And his loving father and even his mother, who was getting worse very fast.
"We don't really talk to each other. She only sands me money every month because of her guilty conscience, but she hasn't call before. Not since…" She stopped herself. Breathe. She wasn't ready for this.
Peeta wanted to calm her. He hated seeing her like that. The hurt written across her face. The pain in her eyes. He wanted to assure her that it would be okay, that she doesn't have to talk about it. He just wanted to take the pain away. He mindlessly touched her hand, wanting to say all of it with that one touch, but she jumped at it. Terror replacing the pain in her eyes.
She jumped up. Scared to death. She couldn't think straight all the memories from the night rushing back to her mind. She wanted to scream. Needed to scream.
"No." She whispered her voice trembling.
"No." She said again louder. The last thing she saw was his eyes. Those big blue eyes. Big. Blue. And sad. So so, sad. Why was he sad?
Then she was out. She didn't realize how fast she was running until she could no longer catch her breath. By the time, she got to the apartment, she was covered in sweat and tears were streaming down her face. Jo eyes widened when she saw her.
"Oh babe. What has he done to you? What happened?" Katniss only shook her head. Jo took her to the bathroom and started to run her a hot bath.
"You okay from here?" Katniss nodded.
Hot water calmed her down. Her incoherent thoughts slowly turning into more coherent ones. He didn't know. It wasn't his fault, she decided in the end.
She slowly got up and wrapped herself in her bathrobe. Unplugged the bath and went to the kitchen. There was a hot black coffee already awaiting her on the kitchen table.
"So, what?" Jo asked. She knew by the look in Katniss' eyes that she would be okay. If it was anything serious there would be this blank stare like she was somewhere far, far away. But not now. So, she knew it was safe to ask and that she, sooner or later, will get an answer.
"I overreacted." She sipped her coffee. Glad her hands weren't shaking.
"Would you care to tell me something I don't already know?" Fake hurt in her voice.
"Sorry Jo, forgot you can read me like an open book." Katniss chuckled. "He only touched my hand and I panicked and ran away." She admitted, ashamed.
"Oh, my fucking god Katniss. If someone like him wanted to touch me I would certainly let him." The dreamy look on her face only got her yet another slap on the shoulder.
"Mind punching my other shoulder for a while. This has been punched enough." She said in her fake voice of a five-year-old who just realized he lost his favorite toy.
Katniss only smirked at her. Getting even more wounded look out of her.
"Okay bitchy face, someone's gotta go to school tomorrow. So, night." She hopped of the counter she was sitting and went to her room managing to stick out her tongue at her before she disappeared out of her vision.
The next day when she went to the bar, she was afraid how Peeta would react or if he would even show up. She wiggled restlessly on her bar stool which unfortunately got Hamitch's attention. He hurried to her.
"Heard ya and lover boy had a pretty bad fight yesterday. Delly said you ran away crying." He dared her to make a scene. She was not doing him such pleasure.
He chuckled and walked away.
Soon enough Peeta walked through the door. He looked at her clearly relieved that she was on her regular spot.
"Thank god Katniss. I thought I might never see you again. I'm so sorry Katniss. I didn't mean..." She stopped him with a wave of her hand.
"Remember our rule. Subject dropped. No questions asked." Several emotions flew across his face before he managed to hide them behind his wide smile, but this time it didn't quite reach his eyes.
Before she knew what she was doing, her hand was on his on the bar. It looked even smaller against his big one. They both stared in awe at it. Neither one of them tried to pull away. Both too shocked to speak.
When Katniss recovered from that first shock she quickly pulled her hand away. Thoughts were shooting daggers in her mind threatening to overwhelm her. What has she done? Why has she done it? Will he take like a permission to touch her? And more importantly did she like it? At the time went their little meetings were becoming more and more loose they both seemed to be enjoying them quite a lot. Where were they heading? Did he think they were becoming something? She thought she set the boundaries and now she was overstepping them, what the fuck was wrong with her?
She remembered the first and thankfully the last time he tried to take them to another level.
After their usual small talk in the beginning he talked about his day at the bakery and some old lady that came in and with a straight face like it wasn't anything weird or like she did it every day and said "I'd like to order a penis shaped cake." Peeta said in an old lady silly voice graphically describing that she looked just like a very polite old lady dressed as any normal grandma and Katniss was laughing so hard her stomach was aching.
After that he looked more seriously at her. Almost frightened.
"Kat?" he hummed.
"Yeah?" Katniss wheezed still clutching her aching stomach and gasping.
"I was wondering, I just wanted to ask, I…" He stumbled on the words. He couldn't look her in the eyes.
Katniss realized what was probably going to happen. He wants to ask me on a date? So, she did what she always did when their conversation got uncomfortable for her. Without another word, she was gone.
She felt confused so she ran away. Again.
The next day she came into the bar. Expecting to see Peeta already on his spot. She was later than usual. She needed to think this through. And she did. She wanted to apologize for always running away. For being so scared. But also, wanted to make thinks clear between them. She wasn't ready for a relationship. She wasn't ready for any touches. If he wanted that he would have to go looking somewhere else.
But he wasn't there. She thought that maybe she finally scared him away. That he realized she wasn't what he wanted.
No. She tried to calm herself. This happens. Sometimes one of them won't show up. Usually Peeta had some serious reason like big order in the bakery. Visit from the brothers. Family diners. Big project for school he needed to complete.
She never had a good reason. It was just the days when she couldn't get up. Not that she would tell him that. So, she just used their rule. She had to mentally thank it now for saving her ass so many times.
So, this was probably good. He will show up tomorrow.
But he didn't. And not even the day after that.
She was starting to be scared. She didn't know why, but the realization that she will probably never see him again and that it was all her fault, hurt way too much.
On the fourth night of not showing up she came home looking like a kicked puppy.
"Oh, girl what have you done? I know that shamed face of yours. The last time you used it was when you broke my favorite mug." She said half-jokingly.
"I pushed him away." She mumbled her cheeks colored red.
"What?" Jo sounded sincere this time.
"I run away every time I feel uncomfortable… remember the time he probably wanted to ask me out? So, I run away quite often and after the last time he didn't show up again." Her voice sounded wounded.
"I don't want to sound like a bitch but that's clearly your fault."
"Do you think I don't know that?" She got up and started to pace the room like always when she was angry.
"I'm just so confused Jo. I don't really know what I want. I thought we were just drinking buddies. I thought I set the boundaries. I thought… I don't even know what I thought. I'm so fucking mad at my stupid confused head, you know."
"I think you should rethink the visit to Dr. Aurelius. You can't have any kind of a normal relationship with man until you have overcome your demons and you have it sorted out in your head." Jo knew this would only make her angry more. She hated those doctors. She so stubbornly refused to go to them it had to be Jo who went to them and begged for the pills so she could at least sleep.
"We talked about that." She tried to sound like to topic was closed.
"But he is a nice decent man Katniss. I believe he won't put you on any pills if you don't want to. I just think you need to talk about it. And I get it why you won't talk to me or anyone else on that matter. But you could at least talk to a doctor." Jo was expecting some angry Katniss reaction like stomping to her room and slamming the door but she hasn't gotten any of it. Katniss only stopped her pacing and furrowed her brows in concentration.
"Okay. I'll think about it." And with that left Jo with her mouth hanging open and went to her room.
AN:/ Thank you so much for reading. I hoped you enjoyed it at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it. And please if you have any comments don't forget to leave a review. Of course, favorites and follows are just as much appreciated. I just realized there quit a lot of swear words there, but I promise there are going to be way less, my younger self obviously thought it was "cool" so… Thanks guys!