Okay, now I've gotten the disappointment of no Charmander being offered out of the road, I'll tell you what I actually had to get.
There's an gay emo edgelord version of Growlithe for the fire starter. There's a water type Pokémon which looks like a drag queen version of Seel. And, lastly, the grass starter is somehow a bird, which is so stupid I'd swear Kevin Robinson from school came up with it. Heck, all of them are so stupid, and I bet Kevin Robinson would love it all. By the way, Kevin, since I know you're reading this: fuck you Kevin stop showing everyone my story you peace of shit.
Is it really too hard to offer Charmander as a fourth alternative? For, like, people without abysmally shit taste? I'm sure I'm not the only one that wanted Charmander instead, since Charizard is the best starter Pokémon after all. Charizard not being an option, I pick the bird instead. I just want to see how that stupidity actually works.
Apparently after I select the grass starter, though, there needs to be a ceremony where the grass starter selects me. What is this shit? You don't have a wedding ceremony when you pick a gun to use in COD, so why would you have a bonding ceremony in Pokémon?
Apparently the grass bird picks me though, so it obviously agrees with me that bonding ceremonies and friendship are crap and a Pokémon's primary use is killing and hurting. Fucking sweet.
"You'll surely be friends for life", the Kahuna says. But here's the problem. My starter isn't from Kanto, best region in the Pokémon world. I don't care how bloodthirsty it is if it's not going to be any good at being a living, trainable weapon, so I'm boxing this fucker as soon as I catch a Kanto Pokémon.
Professor Kukui hands me a Pokédex. It will apparently help me hunt down Pokémon and stuff. We never had anything like this in the Sonic Military, but it seems like a simple enough tool, and rather handy too. Nice.
As I make my way to leave, a young boy spots my starter Pokémon, and decides to challenge me. He's apparently named Hau. Yeah, no, I'm not battling until I get at least one Kanto pokemon in my team. But Hau won't let me leave. Glorious and bloody battle it is then.
Lillie, in the background and still an annoyance, says that she's against Pokémon battles but she'll watch anyway. Fucking what. How can you be told you can use living weapon creatures for battle and actually say: "no thanks, I'm such a pussy faggot I'll pass?" It's like being an American and not owning a dozen different firearms. If I were that pathetic I'd kill myself and hope that the Buddhists were right about reincarnation.
The battle commences, Hau sends out the drag queen Pokémon starter.
Wait wait wait wait wait. Let's take a moment to process this.
I have the grass starter. Hau knows I have the grass starter. Hau has the water starter. He knows he has the water starter. Surely.
Water does half damage to grass (MLG tip #1). And grass does double damage to water (MLG tip #2).
It shouldn't come as any surprise, but it turns out when you have a type disadvantage against your opponent and your opponent has a type advantage, you get fucking wrecked. Victory get. Hau seems surprised at my skill in battle, and given his intelligence in instigating such a one-sided matchup, I'm not sure if he's being sarcastic or thinks that I'm legit good. Whatever, who cares what losers think anyway.
After the battle, the Kahuna spots the stone I got from Lillie and asks for it. He'll apparently give it back tomorrow, but I know a shakedown when I experience one. The stone was garbage and I have my first Pokémon. Pretty soon, I might even find a decent one from Kanto. There were all those Spearow about before, after all.
Now, it's time to go hunt some superior Kanto Pokémon. I'd say wish me luck but I'm so great I don't need it. Later.