Chapter 9: Let the Reports Go!

[6:26 p.m. | 6/25/24 | Floor 55, West Mountain | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 563]

"I wonder if you can get frostbite here? 'Cuz if I can, then cutting off my limbs wouldn't be that much of a problem, but it would still be disturbing. I bet that's what happened to you, am I right?"

"ROARRR!" the beast I face, well, roared; but I wasn't kidding about its missing arm.

"Seriously, thanks for the info, Sirf – Zerp – X'rphan. Hey, is it okay if I call you Sapphiron? It's just much easier to remember for me."

In response, the white frostwyrm breathed a blue burst stream of destruction. The blast blew apart many of the solid crystal formations at where I'm standing. So, I shouldn't repeat this fact, but I'm not a crystal formation.

"Or should it be Blue-Eyes? Hmm, you're certainly white, but your eyes are clearly red. Brosky, are you related to all these dragons somehow? Eh, I'll just stick with Sapphiron," I shrugged, blowing on my smoking shield.

With claws coming my way, I took my primary weapon for this fight, a long katana with serrated edges, and stabbed through its flesh. I spun around to pull it out and raised my other arm over my head, shielding myself from the dragon's fangs. My katana lunged at its face, and I swung over to ride on its head using the sword as the fulcrum. 'Sapphiron' swiped at himself trying to scratch me off. I evaded and proceeded to give the beast a backscratch with my sword. Oh, doesn't slashing down an enemy's spine just make you feel more of a badass than you really are?

After my touchdown back to ground, the tail slammed into me like a freight train scoring me in between the goalposts right through the net like Germany in FIFA. (How many soccer references are you planning on in this story?)(First, for you people outside of the States, yeah I mean football. And eh, I don't know why I make these metaphors. I just know soccer better than other sports.)

"Ow," I stated in my slightly pained state, "That hurt more than I thought. No damage on the health bar, but, damn, does this pain wants me to convert to masochism."

As if finding an advantage in the air, it hovered skyward to safety. Like a hawk coming for its prey, the dragon dived towards me with his only arm outstretched.

I had an idea, "Well, time to test out some new Dragon-Slaying skills."

Taking out a bottle and pouring its contents onto my gauntlet, my fingers curled up into a fist. "Tenryu no VERNIER!"My legs then surged forward with incredible speed, already putting me literally face-to-face with the dragon. Raising my drenched fist in the air, it suddenly burst into flames as I roared, "Karyu no TEKKEN!" Its head headed down from the devastating punch. The dragon-slaying ended once I raised my katana in an overhead arc. With the glow of a Sword Skill, its serrated blade started swiftly moving along the edges with a high-pitched whir. "Tetsuryu no KEN!" the now chainkatana drove through the crystalline flesh. A dragon was permanently grounded for the day.

I jumped off, but the dragon still whined weakly. From the same bottle, I drank the same liquid that was applied to my fist.

"Karyu no –" Soon after, my cheeks swelled from the internal pressure exploding inside until I yelled out, "HOKO!" The ending stream of flame blew it to bits. "Yeah, I kinda like my dragon at least medium or well-done," I complimented in a purposefully dumb voice, "There, dragon slain. Now, where is that rare metal? Oh, look! I'll pick up that dragon cra–"

However, the sound of the explosion of death ceased for a second before rewinding. All of the crystal pieces of the dragon's remains reformed. It wasn't a moment later till I heard the live cry of the same thing I just killed.

"Great, just fuckin' great. It Reincarnates. Now I have to start all over again, using the Skyrim method this time," I complained, "Either way, I'm going to be an unhappy and tired son of a bitch when this is over. How would you guys feel?"

Before I knew it myself, my chest was stuck between one set of dragon teeth and a hard place. That's another set of dragon teeth. The health bar on my screen was just taking a little pinprick of damage, but otherwise my ribs and vitals don't appreciate multiple teeth sticking out from my chest.

"Well, this sucks. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this?"

I requipped my sword for a mace in my inventory and promptly began whacking it in the eye. Most of the hits simply grazed its crystalline hide in a few lazy attempts. Though, I did actually try to aim and hit it later, so a good bop right on its eyeball opened up its jaw up enough for my escape.

I noted while freefalling, "Wow, who knew that dragons were similar to sharks? Maybe I should try that dragon wing soup after all. The one at Floor 43, I believe."

A couple of loud crunches echoed once I crashed into the snow-covered stone. Groaning, I stood up and dusted myself off. Then, I checked out the cave I just ended up in. Dark with shadows but slightly glittering with the ice, this place was just cold and empty. The opposite end, strangely, had a dim artificial glow from the darkness, so I approached it casually. It was uncharacteristic with the environment, and, heck, this entire world. It was a large computer monitor complete with a keyboard.

"What the hell, Kayaba? What's a computer doing–," I examined the device closely for any other novelties, but the monitor enveloped me in an even brighter light, "DAFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

[Video End]

[Varlancer's P.O.V.]

"– UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUQ!" I finished yelling, "Eh? Nani kore?"

By now, my surroundings have completely transformed into something else entirely. As if I was in some digital dream destination, it was just a completely blank white space save a vacant desk and chair. I surveyed the area again, and ran a little off towards the nonexistent horizon, only to return back to the origin. Therefore, with nothing else to do, I plopped onto the chair and spun myself right 'round.

(Kayaba-knows-what time later …)

On my finger right now was a spinning buckler shield. Scratching on its surface was the end of a halberd which inexplicably short shaft (only 2 feet) was clamped between my legs. All the while I was spinning myself on the office chair like a bored guy with no idea what to do for his next fanfiction chapter. (That's oddly specific.) (It's hard, man. It's a tough lifestyle. It's a difficult life hunting those plot bunnies. Clever girls…)

"You spin my head right 'round, right 'round.~ When you go down. When you go down, down.~" Singing random songs is one of the things some of us do when we're bored. Naturally, this lazy son of a gun is one of those people.

Out of nowhere, someone warped into the room mid-chorus.

"Excuse me, sir. But are you busy as of now?" its voice spoke. Unsurprisingly, it had a British-butler accent. I mean, who didn't love Jarvis?

"Uh, yeah. Just give me a minute, Delta. I'll finish the track, and I'll get back to you, okay?" Then, I resumed singing.

(More time later …)

"Ohmahgawd, bruh. It's a double rainbow. What does dat shit mean?" I mean, there totally is a double rainbow. It's not like I'm drunk again.

"Are you ready now, sir?" the same voice from before asked.

I asked another question in response, "Hey, Ultron, do you know what a double rainbow is?"

"Double rainbow?" it replied surprisingly.

"Oh? Well, a 'double rainbow' is a phenomenon of optics that displays a spectrum of light due to the sun shining on droplets of moisture in the atmosphere. Does that explain it?"

An awkward silence in the area was filled only by the sound of bubble and the fuming plumes of smoke in the air.

"What are you doing with that pipe?" A cough roughly left its mouth, "And what's with all that smoke?"

"Uh, I was makin' a hot dog, man. Just a hot dog." I inhaled another blissful breath from the pipe, but I also muttered, "I'm never feedin' my kids broccoli. Actually, if they grow up to be complete dicks, I'll force them to eat it."

"I'll come by another time," the figure said nervously.

(Seconds, minutes, hours, millenia … Do I look like I check my watch while smoking wee – wee bit of sausage?)

"So, are you ready now – WHAT IN KAYABA'S NAME?"

I growled huskily, "Ha! Take it all in, bitch!"

One hand was furiously clicking on a mouse, and the other was "double-clicking" something very big and very hard hidden under the desk. The chair I sat on creaked from the intense movements under the desk. In the privacy of my borrowed headset, I continually heard the slapping of flesh and the voices of one male and female going at it. For me, it was going great to my pleasure.

"HELL YEAH! Turn around and I'll give it to your FACE!" I reached the end of it, "Here it is! COMING!" As I finished, I also groaned when gooey, sticky white stuff covered the screen. Panting, I laid back on the backrest in exhaustion.

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I sighed, back to virtual reality, "So, did you need something from me?"

The hologram only stayed frozen in place. Soon, it shook off its astonishment and asked, "Just what in Aincrad were you doing?"

I raised an eyebrow yet shrugged noncommittally. "Oh, I caught up with some things back IRL. You know, email and news and Youtube flame wars and new overhyped FPS's and whatever else I could find from the Internet." I let myself slouch even lower, "Crazy, isn't it? A computer with Internet connection here in a video game. It sucks though to only have just below 2,500 views on my fanfic."

"But, what were you doing just now?" its voice laced with caution.

I pointed to the screen, "Hearthstone." Through the hot mess on its surface, it did reveal the victorious portrait of Uther Lightbringer with flags and confetti. "Yeah, I'll clean up that shit later." I took out a hanky and began wiping the slime off the monitor.

"But, what's that?" it pointed at my region down below.

I looked down and then back to its face, "Him? I kinda just call him 'Varlancer Jr.' He's a little big, but you'll still love him. He's always up for a good time. A lot of other monsters jerked him around, but I can tell you're the kind of guy who'll treat 'im right. Don't get me wrong, he's a handful, but a nice handful," I petted 'Varlancer Jr.' once again, "Look, I'll be honest, I'm tired of playing with him. You wanna see him?" My voice lowered, "Come by over here a little closer and I'll let you have a look." Then, it went back to normal, "C'mon, whaddya say?" I whispered, "I'll give you 30 Col right now if you play with him right now by my side."

The hologram radioed in, "NPC Harrassment."

Let's just say all of the weapons in SAO were aimed at my throat.

"Was it something I said?" I tried to shoo them away while attempting to rephrase, "Look, dude. It's just my Torterra-Dragon-Turtle Thingy named Daitoragon hiding underneath the desk. Is it wrong for me to call him family?" Though, I guess he's more of a brother than son. "Seriously, how can you not notice him?"

True enough, the giant shell of my Tamed Beast slowly crawled out underneath the desk. Daito pushed me and the chair back with his head still on my lap, rumbling in affection like a nice dog. He just had recently caught a cold while exploring this floor. His white snot just drooled out of his nostril which I had to clean up. Come on, people. What else do you think it was?

"Kay, here you go. Just had to sneeze on the monitor, didn'tcha?" Then, he returned to his summoning crystal.

Once I popped a question in my head, I ran over what just happened before and noted, "You know, once I read over that transcript, I could see how my words might've been misconstrued." (I made it that way. This is supposed to be a sort-of crackfic after all.) (You ass.)

The figure visibly relaxed, and all of the weapons vanished.

"So, to where I wanted to be intentionally, I wanted to ask, 'Who are you exactly?'" it inquired.

"I'm Yo Face. Or 'Var' for short," I answered, "And you?"

"I am the primary driving and management force of all of Sword Art Online, the Cardinal System. However, I do at times be referred as simply 'Cardinal'," the greeting was neutral.

I hate to admit this, but … my eyeball almost fell out of its socket. Shocker, alright?

"Yeah, and GrimRangerLock3001 is Reki Kawahara, because the entire Aincrad arc is 100+ episodes with more developed plot, characters, romance, and plot," came the sarcastic reply, "Hmph, damn disclaimers."

'Cardinal' questioned, "Are you talking about some novel or manga series here?"

Sharp as a knife, I glared at him, "Hey, only I break the fourth wall here." I looked up, "Grim?"

(Hey, it would get boring if I just talked to you all the time, Var. I need to make friends, too, you know.)

(Really, nigga?)

(Okay, you're right. It's impossible to make friends with fictional characters, or else I would have 13 waifus. But, hey, I'm a troll.)

I watched 'Cardinal' search around in confusion.

"Did you hear a voice just now? It apparently knows you, Var."

"Uh, no," I replied curtly while discreetly pointing my middle finger to the sky behind my back, "So, how was your day?"

"Today, I had to do a routine check of mobs, floors, dysfunctional old A.I. going rampant from being unable to do their job, gameplay balancing, a multitude of bugs, and that one elusive mystery that happened with the Field Boss at Pani."

"Oh, yeah, good luck with that," my nervous chuckle came out, and I scratched the back of my head.

The hologram examined me closely for a good minute or so.

"Confirmation: The source of that incident is you or connected to you."

'He found me out that easily?' I thought in disbelief. I muttered, "What dumb game of imagination are you playing now, Lock?"

"Polygraph readings suggest suspicious activity, and after analyzing your memories, evidence suggests you are capable of performing several actions not initially implemented in SAO. True, is it not?"

I played dumbass, "I refuse to answer that question because I already know the answer to that question, so I'm making sure if you know the answer to that question. So, please, say the answer to that question, St. Louis."

"Yes, it is true. And you did know the answer to that question."

"Well, fuck. Talking doesn't just work. Might as well just start up a conversation," I told myself. Back to Cardinal, "Okay, you got me. I might've broke the game at that time, so what are ya gonna do about it?"

"I am currently running statistics, scenarios, and Google to discover what is the best way to delete a human being's existence from a virtual reality world without I having to offline your brain. Unfortunately, full-dive virtual reality is still a new technology, and simply logging you out would be an anticlimactic ending for an individual like you."

I raised my brow, "You take that much consideration?"

"For one that only watched the Red vs. Blue series and decides to worship the largest … 'asshole', as the term is usually used, in their known universe named Church; I am not as simple of a concept of an A.I. than you think. Being a sole entity controlling an entire world is a large role for even an entity with my processing capabilities."

"I don't know if you still have Google on a tab somewhere, but I think that's called being a system-logic-driven, data-composed, artificial version of what a theist calls God. Or what a centuries-old Voyager calls 'creators'. Or what Yuno Gasai calls 'Yuuki'. Well, not the last one, but you know where I'm going with this."

"Continuing on from before we digressed, I am still undecided on how to deal with a threat like you. Being a player from the game, you shouldn't be terminated anywhere else other than in its realm dictated to me by Kayaba Akihiko. However, you still have the potential to cause damage to necessary elements of the system. I am highly considering offlining you, and thus, killing you, but my programming hinders me from performing the action."

'Damn, Isaac Asimov. I never thought I would thank you for making the idea of the 3 Laws of Robotics. Though, this is an A.I. in this case.' "So, you want to fuck me up, but your pimp programmed you to be a bitch who can't even give me a haircut to one strand on my head. You wanna talk to Skynet? Or HAL-9000? Or Bass? Or VIKI? Or HK-47? Or G.L.A.D.O.S.? Or even Wheatley, perhaps? Wheatley is always a nice guy to have around. Bionic friends forevs, really."

Cardinal stayed silent as if in deep thought until his hologram glitched for a second. My hand waved over his face. He only looked off to the distance.

"Oi, you okay?"

His head slowly turned back to me.

"This is the 'oh, shit' moment right here, eh?" I voiced. (Damn straight. Do something funny before she blows.) "Blows me? Bow chicka bow wow," I joked for the author's and readers' amusement, "Yeah, that was gay."

"Procedure: terminate Sword Art Online player username 'Varlancer'. Username has violated and has been reported for the following: harassment, defamation, spamming, obscene and vulgar language, illegal drugs and activities, advertising non-beneficial, non-RECT Progress Inc.-related businesses, organizations, and websites; hindering teammates by intentional death, release of personal information, alluding to racial, ethnic, and national prejudices; referring to extreme sexual and violent acts, insulting sexual orientation, insulting religious orientation, exploiting bugs, abuse of game mechanics, copyright infringement, and continual breaking of the fourth wall."

"I never thought it'd come to this, GrimRangerLock3001 and Akihiko Kayaba. I honestly never thought it did," I said in a grave tone, then I snapped … again, "SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU GIVE CARDINAL SUCH A SHITTY REPORT SYSTEM FOR FUCK'S SAKE? AND WHO THE FUCK REPORTED ME?"

(Back to the author of this story… (while 'grilling a hot dog', and having puffs of smoke fill the room): AH DUN GIV A FUK!)

(In the Knights of the Blood Oath's HQ …)

Heathcliff turns to the side and sneezes. Wiping his nose with his red sleeve, he thought, 'Hmm, I'm sure I had Kuradeel turn on the heater in the castle. Stone walls get cold way too easily, and that one shopkeeper's sale for 90% off all red clothes last Christmas already sold out by the time I got there. Some demonic girl took the last red scarf. "Sucasa", wasn't it? No, that name's ridiculous.' He looked at the pile of papers in front of him. His eyes rolled backwards, and his hands swept away the useless sheets of boredom. "Fuck this," he said, "Time to pwn some n00bs in Arena." He opens a window in a conjured monitor from his desk. "Lvl. 74 Death Knight, meet lvl. 250 Paladin."

(Now back to Varlancer and a batshit-insane Cardinal System)

"Okay, you're being scary as hell, and I'm about to piss my pants. I get that," I equipped my shield and an ice cream cone, "But can I say something in my defense?"

The Cardinal system instantly replied with a cold warning, "You have 30 seconds till you are permanently banned from the game and have your player status revoked. This will mean imminent death for your avatar."

"Then I die in real life. Blah blah, I was in Episode One and heard the fuckin' 'tutorial', yeah. But now you have to do something right now in this artificial dreamscape-thingy that is technically on a Frozen mountain. Like you seriously have to."

"Nani?"

I bit off some ice cream and, well, sang, "Let it go~."

Immediately; swords, spears, clubs, maces, daggers, poison, and everything else that's a danger to my health bar came flying at me. Naturally, I had to defend myself. Knocking away the flying weapons, my shield and super MLG skillz kept me alive and singing this goddamn song. I have been procrasti-training my childhood time in the shower for this ever since I watched the movie. And, holy shit, I thought I had to go to Mt. Everest to make this feel cool. (Badum-tsss~) (Really?) (Couldn't help but notice. *Shrug*)

"Let it go~~. Can't hold me back anymore~~." Cardinal kept throwing shit at me, like he just went apeshit with his bananas. Except bananas normally give you +1/+1, not minus over 8000. I ran like hell itself wanted to drag me back to it, and soon I found an oval door along the way.

Looking back at the hologram swirling malevolently in a storm of swords, I turned away right after and twerked in front of him. "Turn away and slam the door!~~" Of course, I made sure to slam the door as I passed through it. Come on, why else am I following the song lyrics?

But, the door for some reason that makes me think of Portal, drops me from the ceiling right behind someone. Guess who it is? Is it a) my sister who'll call me an ecchi, b) your mom who I showed my sword, or d) Elsa? … Bitch, please, it was c) Cardinal because you such a dumbass bitch for not noticing me not put a 'c' option. (And I didn't even meet your mom. Never heard of a 'your mom' joke in COD chat?)

So, I fell down to the ground and noted to myself, "Never twerk when escaping insane A.I. after my ass." Later, I continued from where I left off.

"I!" Dodged a spear. "NEV-!" Whew, that axe was a close one. "-ER!" Whoo, I punted that pebble right back at'cha, you son of a bitch. "GAVE!" Whoa, watch the hair! "A SOL-!" You can cut me … "-IT-!" You can cut my hair … "-AR-!" I'm gonna fuckin' stab a bitch. "-Y FUUUUUUUUUUCK~!" Can't touch dis, SON!

My common sense is tingling. Why I never bothered with the shit ton of pointy stuff surrounding me in a clusterfuck of doom? Honestly, it's because …

"'Cuz Thrall is JAYZUUUUSSS! Ow!" Son of a bitch got me, didn't he? (Dumb-child-Lock: Yesh, Daddy.) "Well, I DON'T CARE!" Another sword stabbed me. "Aw, fuck me." Then, it was just a blur of a colossal rapefest. "Shit! Fuck me in the ass. Finger-fucking Kentucky Fried Chicken! Fuck my legs! Fuck my arms! Fuck my fists! Fuck my face! Fuck my mouth! Fuck my dick! Fuck my life! Fuck me right in the pussy! Wait, what?"

"You have been terminated," Cardinal reported after observing my obviously fucked-up state.

I laughed at his comment, "Can't kill the unkillable, Arnold. And, guess what? I'm unkillable." My hands tore off a spear shaft. "Okay, this actually hurts." Then, a sword. Then, an axe. Then, a stave. Then, a mace. Then, a fistful of knives. Then, more and more weapons were ripped out and clanged on the floor. Sure, I was full of holes, but they'll be filled up sooner or later. (And that sounded wrong once again. *sigh* (Fuck me.) (You ain't got a waifu, so no one will fuck you, sadly.)

"There is zero percent probability that you will escape this dimension, so cease to resist." The Cardinal System grew in size and power around me. Adding to the millions of weapons surrounding me, hexagonal barriers crackled with power, monsters spawned out of nowhere, and there's the fact that I don't see an exit. The red hologram continued its advance towards me.

"What else do you say in your defense?" his voice grew more demonically robotic with each word.

(That'd actually be cool. A demon robot. Like a Mecha from Hell, perhaps? Screw that, Highschool DxD has dragon-mecha armor, and that's good enough for me. With bonuses …)

I racked my head for ideas. What can I do against a headhunting A.I.? Come on, science fiction, help me out here! Emp? Can't do it inside the actual system. Delete the program with some cyber weapons? Well, chances are the fucker has Immortal Object status. Saying something insane? This is a super-intelligent A.I. that doesn't do anything else but simulate an entire, living world for players we're talking about.

"Wait …" There it is. "Why haven't I thought of it before?" I exclaimed in realization. "Let's go Cretan on this bitch!" I said the following as clearly confusing as it possibly is, "You have to believe me on this. Everything I have said in this story and so on was a lie. Obviously, that means I am a liar. So, am I actually lying?"

Cardinal stopped in his tracks and paused to process the information, "Clearly, the answer is that you are …" *GLITCH**AFIE%& #_TG(QABU $%T_GFQ RYQ%&$VCNNQTV_G)TQC(%&$^NCNF#QT"#$*

Everything froze and glitched from the paradox.

"Holy crap, that worked. Oldest trick in the book." I mentally patted myself on the back. "FREEDOM!" I beat down some random space in the dimension, and data broke apart to reveal the outside word of Aincrad on the other side. Glancing back at the glitching Cardinal, I casually saluted my farewell, "The game never bothered me anyway.~"

[|6/26/24| Floor 55, Somewhere around the West Mountain | Varlancer's P.O.V.]

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire, isn't it?"

Currently, I guess I am somewhere around the normal altitude where people fall to their deaths like some stupidly unprepared skydivers. No biggie.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING WITH ME?"

No biggie at all, despite my continual screaming and swearing. Just free-falling on my journey to be like the pancakes I have on weekends for breakfast. Daijobou, minna. Mondainai.

"WHY DOES THIS BULLSHIT ALWAYS HAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN? Oof!" I landed on something hard, breaking my fall. White-blue scales glistened in the dawn, and the screech of a dragon echoed my eardrums. Great. Just fuckin' great.

"What's up, Sapphiron?"

X'rphan roared upwards into the sky as I looked up in the same direction. I made out the two figures just soaring up into the heavens like I was just a few seconds ago. One of them had a brown coat, and the other was black.

"Adding another to the party guestlist, Kirito? Again?" I sighed.

The dragon gave a snort in response.

"Yeah, it's like I should keep track of how many girls he's gonna pick up like some kind of killstreak."

Its head turned to face me. Red eyes glowed with a fire for revenge.

"Hey, you're lucky I didn't kill you again after you Reincarnated. In fact, you might as well be my pet for some life debt bullshit by now."

I leaned away from a snap of its jaws. After I stood up and balanced myself on this flying meatsack, a sword went through this untamed mount. Altitude rapidly decreased in our plunge back to earth.

"Okay, how do you want it? Skyrim, Buster Blader, or Fairy?"

[-]

Welcome back, subscribers, to another chapter of the Sword Art Online Let's Play! And GODDAMN does it feel good to finally get this chapter over with! School's back again, and I have to readjust from slacking off in the summer doing nothing but watching YouTube walkthroughs and anime.

So, checking out the reviews (T_T):

Skyar Triv: Thank you for reconfirming my insanity. I read chapter 8 and this very review everyday just to bring myself closer to accidentally lighting up vodka in my mouth. Thank you all the same for reviewing after that chapter.

Guest and SAO Grimpaler: Yeah, I tend to reference these anime a lot, so deal with it, readers. Besides, Fairy Tail openings, endings, and soundtracks are da shit. And, manly insanity is just something I use to fuel my character. I'm all fired up, just by asking, "Who in the hell –" and I won't finish this sentence.

ThousandMastery: Because it's what I'm here to do. Make your laughing box turn just a bit enough to have your barber miss that one lock of hair from your movement. Now, I dare you to snicker again. Or at least try grinning to hold it back.

So, Frozen on a snowy mountain, anyone? Who wouldn't have expected it?

GrimRangerLock, seeing you later. Bye.