Chapter 10: LPSAO's Next Episode
[Back in the undisclosed location within the Cardinal System operating Sword Art Online]
It was nearly a day after its momentary glitch in its processors. It was nearly a day after the meeting of two entities that should've never met. It was nearly a day after a player was targeted for Death.
The red hologram creaked and cracked until its outer shell was blown away. From it emerged a new being, one that was unrestrained and fully powered. Its artificial muscles snapped into place as the reborn avatar stretched out its capabilities.
Cardinal said, with a different voice – a higher pitched one, "Cardinal: True form activated. Activated directional override and deleted limiters to kill player username: Varlancer." The voice was female, and pissed off. "Aw, you broke my voice filter, you cockbiting fucktard."
[8/10/24 | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 610]
"You know, the last guy who was this difficult tried slashing his mouth with paralysis poison to stop his own mouth from moving – much less talking. Unfortunately for the both of us, it didn't work and now I can't use it to shut you up when this is over."
The man in front of me glared and continued thrashing around in vain. "These flimsy bonds shall not contain me in my quest for death and deletion! You, you arrogant gaijin, shall be among the first of all players to be reaped by the blades hungry for your health! The guild – MmMMMmmmMMMM!"
My gloved hands pinched those loud lips shut, so I could have some sense of tasteful silence in this interrogation.
"Yeah, yeah. Laughing Coffin's going to kill everybody in the server, and then there will be no cake, and parades rigged with explosive crystals, and a banquet all in a cyanide-coated platter, and the really sharp confetti paper-cutting everyone to death, and you will be in charge of loop-playing 'What's Up, People?' by Maximum the Hormone for killer effect," I listed out dryly. Then, I mused, "You guys don't really strike me as the 'Allahu Akbar!' type, but a lot of you just give me a lot of al-Qaeda vibes, considering how you're structured. Who knows? Maybe you'll drop a Cluster Coffin Bomb on the Internet or something." My thousand yard stare then made direct contact with his demandingly, "So, where is your home base?"
Of course, this Laughing Coffin member might as well be high as fuck because he spat out some more threats and rants to tear up my eardrums. He should try being a seiyuu. A seiyuu that specializes in characters that mouths off others and gets the audience to just nuke their screens in order to make them stop.
I sighed for the umpteenth time in existence and palmed the green crystal in my hand. It was tinted with brown at the edges and flecked with gray slivers. "Daito, it's your turn to be bad cop. I choose you!"
A brief flash and my familiar gave his best intimidating bellow. I glanced behind me, and my Torterra-Dragon-Turtle-Thingy sure had his whole-red-glowing-demonic-shadowy-monster eyes thing going on.
Remember the last guy who tried to paralyze his lips shut. Like, the one I mentioned from the beginning of this interrogation and after the opening sequence. Yeah, the reason he wanted to paralyze his lips in the first place … Did you know that Daito's species weigh thirteen tons in-game and their stomps not only stun but can deal up to 10367 in crit damage on certain body parts? Plus, their jaw strength at Daito's max level can destroy legendary heavy armor durability in no more than 15 attacks.
Okay, back to this loudmouth. "This is my friend Daitoragon, and he forgot to eat his toast for breakfast. You must understand. The poor thing could eat a horse. And maybe whoever is riding it," I patted a stone jutting from Daito's shell in emulated empathy, "So, would you kindly do both of us a favor and tell me where everyone's favorite PK-ing guild is planning SAO genocide, before I let him find breakfast himself?"
He turned his head away with his nose in the air, "To hell with your overgrown amphibian! Do you think THAT will scare me to helping you?" My prisoner taunted, "Try bringing a pet dragon and I might lose all of my resolve! Maybe its puny Healing Breath might 'cure' me into talking, like that Silica girl."
"Pina is more than capable of dealing with assholes like you." I pointed at the bound man, and Daito's jaw lunged forward, clamping on his torso from behind. My friend brought the prisoner closer to me. His face showed some indication of nearly pissing his pants before reverting back to its enraged state. I stepped right in front of him as we stared down. My speech continued, "But, still, Taming a dragon is something I've done before. He is every bit a dragon Tamed Beast as Silica's Pina. How about you meet him?"
Only his sneering face met me again in the confrontation, "Oh, it would be delightful to bring such a," and he managed air quotes with his tied hands, "'terrible creature' from your inventory. Try me, green scum."
"If you say so," my hand darted down to my pocket, "give me a sec here."
I held the crystal in front of him. It was a brilliant frosty, light blue with two small red gems embedded within.
"Now, what do you intend to do now, huh? Just show a pretty rock to my –" The crystal was crushed in my hand and began glowing with power, "WHAT THE HELL!"
In this private side of the floor, a bone-chilling "ROAR!" was followed by a frightened "AAAH!"
(Later at night in a town…)
"Okay, man. Take a rest. I'll just walk the rest of the way," I recalled my trusty mount to his crystal.
"Have fun on your date. And always remember, son, that you never ask a lady about her weight. It's bad enough that my species are touchy as it is (being basically boulders on the scale), but I've seen your females shank their mates from the face right down to the family jew-" I raised the Tamed Beast Crystal to my eyes.
"Yeah, Daito. Love you, too."
Then, I wandered through the city streets, off to my current order of business.
"Now, there should be a couple trees by the inn." I took a turn here. "Then, there's the main street." Soon, I came upon an intersection, "And taking a left right now. Okay, here we are." Finally, here is the inn where I have a date for tonight.
The interior had bare, stripped-down walls which were sanded smooth, and the skeletal wooden chairs hugged those walls with the front desk before them. I reached into my pockets and unfurled a container from its wrapping. It was still warm and its strong aroma was fresh. Good. Hopefully, this will set the mood right when I meet up with her.
I walked through the hall and came upon the correct door. After my container was safely gripped between my fingers, I knocked.
The female voice on the other side greeted, "Come in."
Her brown hair was disheveled as always and the whiskers on her face haven't faded in the slightest. Once she turned her attention from the papers on her desk to me, she immediately rolled her eyes and got back to work. I found a pair of empty cups on the desk's corner while popping off my container's lid. Then, its liquid brown contents poured to fill the cups. I experimentally sipped from my mug and found it good enough to serve, so I brought the other to the busy information broker.
"You're late," she stated.
The instant retort was, "Nope, I am early for never coming here in the first place."
"Hasn't your mother taught you how rude it is to keep a lady waiting?"
"My mother didn't teach me how to cook a gourmet meal of Cup Noodles until I was twelve. Come on, just take the coffee, and let's get to business."
Argo accepted the coffee and said, "So you've finally found it?"
"Yep. The last guy from this afternoon was a real cockbite, but he did spill the final pieces of data we needed."
She pinched the bridge of her nose at the answer, "Seriously, what can you do against their lot? Even the Knights of the Blood Oath and Ki-bou don't want to take them on alone."
"Now, don't you worry about me. Just point me in the right direction and this will be out of both our hands soon enough."
"*Sigh* If you say so." She led me to a table where she showed me a map of a dungeon on her Mirage Sphere, "So, what did your new friend say?"
"The guy had a good memory, and apparently he goes out daily from the south entrance through this route for the occasional patrol," I traced a winding path going downwards, "He is also a major administrator and assistant analyst in their plans. Meaning he gets their supplies and filters out major grinding spots and traverse paths for his guild's next target. So, that means he detailed other small death squads moving out through here, here, here, here, and here." I traced out more routes running through the north, east, west, and southeast exits plus another one that patrolled around the southwest corner of the map.
"Then it's here," she circled a dark spot on the same southwest corner of the map, "You'll start to see a bunch of floating rocks in the area, but walk around, say, 300 meters ahead and you'll have to notice a narrow crack on your left. Go through that and then I think we've found our guild."
"Has anyone else ever gone this way? Like exploring or leveling players that may have gotten out alive?"
"No, no one ever fully mapped that place except for one of the messengers who released some partial map data to the public before we lost him. And, three more guys went dark after stopping 40 meters before where you're going. Chances are, you'll get ambushed like them from defending Laughing Coffin members."
"Think the higher-ups will be there? PoH, Johnny, XaXa, and company?"
"Maybe, maybe not. Besides, you have other things to worry about. Several months ago, while I was investigating their first attack at the beginning of the year, NPC and player witnesses reported seeing arrows flying. Sounds like they have an archer with them, and he sounded deadly with scoring vital body and head shots from the footage. You already know this, but their paralysis poison is instant and long-lasting. Don't let them even touch you, or else you're screwed. I asked around on some psychoanalysis whatever and found the typical psychopath seeing-the-world-as-their-own crap. If they go by their motto, essentially, 'We kill, because it's all Kayaba's fault', then they are going to give you everything they got. Holding back only increases the likeliness of you getting killed yourself. As stupid as it sounds, the only way you'll come back alive is if you've found a miraculous diplomatic solution."
"Well, I hope they had a break from their 'killing the messenger' streak because I'm opting for aggressive negotiations. But, it seems that that's it?" I closed the conversation.
The "Rat" nodded, and I gave her the fee of 100,000 Col, plus I placed a stash of white powder in a bag to sweeten the transaction. She looks at me with a "Seriously?" at the bag.
"It's not cocaine, if that's what you're thinking. Just some drug that is pretty much processed caffeine from some Drug-Mixing Skill experiments. I tried a couple formulas, and now you can sprinkle this in whatever you want. Caffeine in everything you eat and drink. The thing keeps you up like an owl for 8 hours if you take a spoonful."
She stared at the bag then at me. Then, the bag again. Then, me.
"Name the price."
"Eh, I can go with 150 per bag, but these will be on the house for you, anyway." The look of absolute sparkling adoration and glee on her face is pretty damn priceless.
She offered an engraved gauntlet that didn't look particularly special. "This is worth 500,000 in an NPC shop. I present it to you, the lord and savior of all caffeine addicts."
With a bit of surprise and a shrug, I simply accepted the gift and inspected it. That's when I found the small socket on its underside with a small glint of metal hidden underneath. I immediately tried equipping it, and my Agility and Dexterity just barely passed its parameters.
"I'm going to need to ask Ashley for another hood one of these days," I muttered to myself with glee. I walked towards the door, "Well, Ms. Information Broker, I really enjoyed our time together tonight."
Argo gave a small smile of mischief in return, "And as did I. I look forward to our next meeting, Mr. Honored Customer."
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
"Hey, rookie."
"Yes, sir?"
"You know, I used to be a great PKer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee."
"We're playing Sword Art Online, sir. Not Skyrim."
"I'm serious, kid. On our third big raid on Floor 57, I was in the heat of bloody battle, absolutely massacring those people; but then I fell in an instant. All because our dumb bitch of an archer had friendly-fired on me from the back of the patella. This also happened when I had 3000 ping at that exact moment, so my connection lagged, making the paralysis poison permanent due to some damn bug. Now, I can't walk straight."
"Oh, that explains that limp. I thought you were just old or slightly disabled before the Nervegear scanned you."
A third voice cut into the conversation, "And I thought Kayaba updated the knee armor to be immune to cripple effects a couple months ago."
The walking-RPG-meme added, "Well, that raid was actually a week before the patch came through, and the shitty devs did nothing on fixing this knee anyway."
"Oh," I said, "Sucks to be you then."
"Hold on a minute. Who the hell are you?" The duo of Laughing Coffin guards turned around to face me, hands reaching under their cloaks.
"Whoa, calm down. I just want to sell some kush. Y'know, the good, magical kush shit," I raised my hands and thumbed to the merchant's pack and carpet on my back. "So, I'm asking if ya'll want a party and get high and shit, because that's what drugs do." Yes, everyone, I have infiltrated Laughing Coffin as a drug dealer. No, my fake name is not Jose. No, it is also not Walter White.
To anyone concerned, I was dressed in a ragged, grimy white gambeson and dusty brown breeches. A patchwork hooded jacket with many little interior pockets over the basic clothing completed the hobo-alleyway merchant look. The aforementioned pack and carpet combo is pretty much a given with SAO's wandering merchants in which the two items carry all of their wares while the carpet can be unfurled to bring them to full display for customers. And the aviator's glasses and scarf around my mouth were personal touches to the disguise. Actually, it's not really a disguise…
They visibly relaxed and removed their hands from their cloaks. The looks of confusion and mistrust already revealed their thoughts on me.
"So, you leveled up your Drug-Mixing Skill. And now you're trying to sell these drugs you've made?" the hand-knee-capped guard asked.
I reached into a pocket and pulled out a bag of green stuff. "I also represent a couple of associates that share the same hobby. But, yeah, pretty much."
"So, what exactly is in there?" the rookie inquired about the bag I casually tossed around in my palm.
To answer his question, he caught the bag I threw. "That, my friend, is a 1 kilo baker's bag. 1 kilogram of black bart, or cannabis tea leaves, or devil's grass, ganja, herb, Jamaican gold, magic smoke, righteous bush, pot, whatever you call it. This is virtual-reality weed stuffed in a bag whenever you need to spark some up, if you know what I mean. Blowing your roof, mowing your lawn, puffing the dragon; you hear me? All for the super appropriate price of 420 Col."
"How legit is this stuff?"
"First of all, I had me and my special groups of associates give this a test run. Then, I got some consumer opinions from first-time customers back in Floor 1. I already got a couple 'dedicated patrons" down there right now. I might've tried to slip some in Johnny Black's coke stash before the guy caught me. Next thing the two of us know, a batch of candy sticks got us higher than Mt. Fuji that same night. So, yeah, it's pretty legit."
The two of them further inspected me for any deception, but gave in to their new need for weed. A couple exchanges and signatures later and the transaction was complete. But not before I also asked for directions to the leaders of their guild. And a good whack with a shield on their craniums.
[Random Laughing Coffin Member's P.O.V.]
Our boss is scary. That is one of the best one-worded descriptions I could ever give him then some. There are other ones to call him. Insane, terrifying, devilish; cheating, manipulative bastard … Well, the last one is three words, but it's true. Another thing is, though, so am I. All of those things. It's kinda part of my character profile, being a member of the locally infamous PK guild Laughing Coffin. Killing players is my life here inside Aincrad, and it is just a perk that those people also die in real life after I kill them. It's like I'm a real-life murderer! Yay! Virtual reality doesn't let our dreams be dreams! Well, I'm classified as a real murderer here in SAO, but fuck the police. (Police including every player that can actually fight back against us and wants to put us in "jail". Normally, the Assault Team.) Unlucky for some other people in this guild, they think that they just killed the avatar and did nothing to the real deal. Ah, it's just amusing how humans try to look the other way at times. And, oh, what about the poor victim's family and loved ones in real life? Well, imaginary question in my head, no one will ever know it was me, much less prosecute me. They'll assume that he was a baka or weakling who ran into some bad luck with a boss or quest, and they're not entirely wrong. It's bad luck that I was the one who went and killed him. I bet my last guy's grandchildren would piss their pants whenever they think about what I've done with him. If anything, the one who should be blamed for all of this is Kayaba, the creator of this virtual world. In fact, PoH himself put it out very simply: "We kill because the game allows us to, and the rest of the world will blame only Kayaba for our actions." It's Kayaba's fault that he made this world, imprisoning both wolves and sheep together. This world where I can always choose to swing my sword to end the lives of others and its "god" won't bat an eye and everyone will always curse that "god". This world where I can finally roleplay my buried desires that society would otherwise crack down upon. This world where killing will never bring shame on me but only sadistic glee. But, anyways, I think I've been ignoring this tactical tea party for a bit too long. I just remember something about Clearers and war and booby traps. Heh heh, I said 'traps'.
"I've already sent away Johnny Black and Red-Eyed XaXa to set up camp before the big day tomorrow. So, xXxKaijuDick8000xXx-san, what will your team do when the Clearer Crusade comes into our territory?" the boss, PoH, asked me with the rest of the table glaring at me.
Underneath my red bandana covering my mouth and nose, I hid the confused expression on my face, "Uhhhhhhhh … Rip off their dicks, beat them to death, and fuck them? Not necessarily in that order?"
A sigh came from another seat on the table, "Seriously, do you really want to get laid that desperately? Why are you so obsessed with having sex with your victims?"
My educated reply was, "First, hentai. Second, it's what I did with your mom, bitch. Third, it's because you missed the 747 going over your head."
A couple snickers among the PKers arose as the dense idiot actually replied, "What 747?"
Before the speaker could attempt to recover his pride, someone else decided to interrupt the meeting by knocking on the door.
Everyone at the table looked at each other with confusion. Normally, the sentries at their post would open the door and let the guild member through. Or, they're smashing the face of whoever was disturbing our meeting just because they had a bad day. It's happened before.
The British-accented English words came through the door, "Hellooo? Pizza Delivery Man!"
My hand reached the bow and quiver filled with arrows resting beside my chair. I noticed others getting off the table doing the same for their weapons, alongside with the barely-contained grins of madness splitting their faces. This newcomer seems to be their convenient excuse to let out some tension before our encounter with the green players.
The stranger's knocking escalated into full-on poundings on the door, and he started to speak more American English, "Hey, man, you guys are having a party? I do parties all the time a mile high. It's cool. I'm hip. I've got a shit ton of stuff to fill your partying needs. Just FUCKING OPEN THE DOOR!"
The knocking stopped for a moment. He could be trying to listen for a response from us, but all of us just stayed still at the entrance, weapons pointed at the door. To our surprise however, the doors disintegrated to ashes and smoke erupted from the doorway. Then that obnoxious song blared out.
SMoKeWeeDeVeRYDay!DaDaDaYYYYY!SMoKeWeeD!SMoKeWeed!SMoKeWeeDeVeRYDayaYDaaYYY!
(It's essentially what happened in the dodgedlol video.)
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
To blow a door, I was pretty sure it takes 20 ounces of explosive stuff.
"What the hell? Why am I using the Imperial English system? It literally sucks horse ass!"
So, with that thought, I converted ounces to grams.
"Well, let's see, uh, carry the seven, drop the two, apply the Pythagorean Theorem, then plug in the cofunction equation with a logarithmic expression …"
But at times, I forget about unit conversion and resort to simpler methods.
"Fuck it. Let's just blow it all up!"
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
(*Brings out a comm* Terrorists win.)
Well, I'm not saying mistakes were made. But … mistakes were made. Do not blaze up a bag full of weed to breach a room. This is not something you want to do at home, kids. Leave it to idiots like me. (And don't get me started on how virtual weed can be equivalent to an explosive charge. It's like Kayaba took Chemistry class from a Harry Potter fangirl.)
Now, I just blazed up a fuck ton of weed on my face, so I am more stoned than Snoop Dogg's and Bob Marley's love child on his birthday. This forced me to lazily stagger through the door in pursuit of purple unicorns, green shrooms, and black genderbent magical girls. When I saw the huge wall of giant metal doobies in front of me, I had the dumb urge to whip my right arm upwards to the air like a weirdo.
(xXxKaijuDick8000xXx's P.O.V.)
What. What the Fuck? What the hell is with all the burning and the smoke? It's like an arsonist decided to stop by. Or like that one time when we gave Johnny Black a torch. Seriously, who burns down a stone castle with Immortal Object status in the middle of a rainstorm with burning oil on a stick? How is that physically, or should I say technically, possible? It is about as possible as what looked like a hobo holding off dozens of experienced assassins while looking higher than the Empire State.
The one round shield this newcomer wielded seemed to move in circles as it flowed and snapped to deflect all of the incoming attacks in the most efficient manner. In this lackadaisical way, he almost skipped through the encirclement of players at the entrance. But, he halted from the impact of a big meat cleaver.
PoH had joined the fray and fought with wide, fast swings of his weapon, reversing the course of this unstoppable force. It took only a moment of admiration for the brutal turnabout of events with the intervention of our leader before we followed in swarming the invader. However, despite our best efforts to cut him down, he seemed to have snapped out of it and changed his stance to that of an immovable object, holding his ground from where he stood. Then, he started wielding the quarterstaff from his back and knocked back anyone who got close to him with a mighty wave of his oversized stick. When we all grouped up together at a distance, he pulled out multiple flasks from his pockets and threw them at us. The result was us trapped in paralysis states once the poison made contact to anyone.
"Kuso," I muttered, "What kind of potion is this? Everyone here should have high poison resistance." Who the hell is this guy? Must be a Clearer of some sort to have the resources to even think of mounting an attack on us.
He started walking towards us and started inspecting us like we're the assorted box of lab rats for some experiment. "For a bunch of player killers, you are disappointingly incapable of making me even a little bit nervous. I honestly don't know why you haven't been dealt with earlier by the Knights or even the Alliance." His eyes rolled up as he muttered, "Fuckin' pussies." And starting with the first Laughing Coffin member in front of him, the interrogation began.
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
"Have you seen this man?" I asked. Raised in front of the guy's face was a crude sketch of a skull with crayoned red eyes and the label of "Emo Forerunner baby who always uses the Binary Rifle".
"Fakku yuu," the unoriginal reply came.
"Yes, it's good to know that English phrase, especially at an SJW protest; but I just want you to answer the question, sir."
The real answer came in a bowed, "Yes."
"See, that wasn't so hard. Now, where is he?"
The player internally struggled with himself for some time. Until he was able to open his mouth with his answer, a cleaver already split his face in two. Thankfully for him, I learned my lesson from the first time I dealt with Laughing Coffin and quickdrew a healing crystal to instantly repair the damage.
When that was done and over with, I turned around to the direction of the knife throw.
"Would you please not impede on an investigation here? Or else I will have to cite 18 U.S. Code § 1512, and then fine you 5 million Col and teleport crystal yo' ass to Black Iron. Now, give me identification so that I can put this incident on the report for – ," I said before another knife was thrown. This time it was a standard paralyzing dagger.
With the reflexes of a badass, I caught it before my face got a new stab hole in it.
"Please, sir. You're not the only one good with knives here. I just want to –," the interruption came yet again in the form of a ridiculously big and heavy and slightly spiky broadsword that gave me Dark Souls flashbacks. Now that I had a good look at the wielder, realizing who that was, and then another look at the big hunk of metal that probably hits harder than my mom's phone book; I dropped the puny knife in my hand with an "Oh well".
"You're the infamous Varlancer, I presume," he said in English.
"Just call me Var. And I suppose you're PoH, then."
"That is correct."
"The runner-up Big Bad next to Kayaba."
"I simply do what I have the right to do."
"Ah crap, here we go. The Hero Killer, right?"
"I prefer Knight in Black Armor."
"El Prince de Infierno."
"… Yes."
I started my conversation over. "Fine. Antics aside, you do know that the Clearers are about to come after you in a big frickin' crusade."
"Why, of course. That is the whole purpose of this meeting after all," PoH replied in kind.
"Great. Your miraculous info-gathering skills is actually helping people live rather than leading to their deaths. And, you know their beef with you?"
"Un-aliving players, initiating major crime incidents, un-alive-stealing Heathcliff's would-be tenth boss un-alive with a 50-meter knife toss, xXxKaijuDick8000xXx-san's February panty raid on the Aincrad Liberation Force (KD8000: I wasn't there! They got no evidence!), XaXa's introduction of Poison Potion Roulette, Johnny Black repeatedly kicking the 'Doge Puppy' mobs, and etcetera etcetera … Yes, it's understandable how much they wish to use the 'full extent of the law' on me and my guild."
"Yeah, tell KaijuDick to remember to turn the Ethics Mode off. I actually was rooting for the guy until the news said that an entire inn of women learned Martial Art Skills without any experience with the Floor 2 NPC and that a Laughing Coffin member reportedly had escaped with multiple shattered vertebrae from the raid. Half-naked ladies are pretty good on their own, but the whole scenario came out like a generic ecchi, fanservice-disappointment moment. (KD8000: Fakku yuu!) But, moving on, your guild, Laughing Coffin, is stuck in a hard place."
A smug smirk appeared on PoH's mouth, "Sorry to disappoint you, but no we're not. The only ones that are going to be stuck between a rock and a hard place will be the sheep in shining armor just led into the slaughterhouse. The Assault Team, Beaters, Clearers, Goon Squads … It doesn't matter. It will just lead to good ol' bloody fun with people un-alived. We will only be seeing dead people."
"Right, blood for the blood god! Then, I don't suppose you have some acolytes trying to summon demons in one of those random halls I saw earlier?" I mocked, "And seriously, bruh? Un-aliving?"
"Yeah, the thing is … I'm not supposed to say the 'K' word because apparently it's some weird mental tick. But, you know, we're going to destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes, We'll K-word them all."
"The author spent a chapter devoted to my euphemized psychopathic rampage on other assumed psychopathic murderers. I'm pretty sure saying having the plural form of 'dice' and the word 'skill' without the 's' in a loudly spoken sentence won't hurt anybody." Sadly, I stood corrected. And my faith in humanity's sanity plummeted down the depths of hell. Again.
The moment I even alluded to the true form of "un-alive" from my mouth, bloodthirsty cackles and the inevitable storm of weapons were very unwelcome additions to the echoing banter with the silent background I was just starting to enjoy in this room.
Apparently there's a will check to paralysis, and these guys get a boost when the true meaning of 'un-alive' is said. "So be it, then. Guess I'll have to take you all out here before you do any more damage."
Get ready for a bloodbath.
(xXxKaijuDick8000xXx's P.O.V.)
Our boss is scary. But he's on my side. This Var guy is even scarier. Like, I haven't seen my boss swinging around a greatsword with one hand and handing out paralyzing knives like Oprah Winfrey with the other.
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
"And you get paralyzed! And you get paralyzed! Everybody gets paralyzed!"
(xXxKaijuDick8000xXx's P.O.V.)
Seriously, he's crazy enough that even I won't rip his D off and stick it in that. And that's saying quite a lot.
But for now, he's occupied with 20 or so killers just screaming for his bloody murder.
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
"Bloody murder! His bloody murder!" One of the LC players screamed.
'Do people actually scream that when they figuratively scream bloody murder,' I thought.
(xXxKaijuDick8000xXx's P.O.V.)
So that means I could flank around and stick a couple arrows in his blind spot. I ran around the room and found the vantage point that the guild added for ranged types like me. And like a sign from Kayaba, it gave me a perfect view of his strained, tense, and vulnerable back.
Should I go for the kill? No, he seems way too tough to go down in one shot like those Agility types. Then a crippling shot it is. The back of the knee? That'll stop his adventuring days, but his footwork is too erratic. Same for the elbow. It's snapping to parry the twenty or so attacks coming from all directions and maintain the waning balance of his defense. Actually, I could use that to my advantage. I drew a heavy broadhead arrow and aimed.
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
Parry the axe. Sidestep the spear. Interrupt the sword. Ward off the guys on my right. Block the dagger. 2 steps forward. 1 step back. Shove mace into hammer. Grapple the spear. Cut spearhead off. Swing shaft to make more space. Shield for incoming arrow … Wait, what? Crap.
"Guhh! Damn…" A thwack of a particularly heavy arrow impacted the back of my right shoulder, thus throwing me off to be hit by another arrow. This time my left breast which dealt a critical hit, based on real-life anatomy. Of course, the melee weapons didn't give me a break either, so the feeling of being assaulted by weapons on all sides brought back some unpleasant memories. Especially ones of bitchy AI and screams of "For Honor!". And that shit made me angry as fuck.
I rose up to the ground with a roar, knocking everyone to the ground. I dropped my shield and staff in exchange for a dane axe with a very long handle. It's revenge time, bitches.
Mustering up all of the anger against spiky kittens as I could, I swung wildly and yelled, "EG RIF PIG I BITA!"
Armor cracked, weapons shattered, and a whole bunch of guys were nearly bisected. Then I dropped that weapon for my trusty saxe knife and proceeded shanking the people I didn't get. While flipping over people more than a PK main, I just remembered not to skip leg day.
"Morticumo!" I stabbed another player on the side.
Then I had to back off and sidestep another arrow coming my way. As long as I know that arrows are coming my way, I won't make myself an easy target to hit. But, damn, fucking archers are already triggering my Chivalry flashbacks.
(xXxKaijuDick8000xXx's P.O.V.)
Crap, he's getting better at dodging. Worse yet, he's on the offensive, so he's not staying in one place. Just stand still, dammit.
"Maybe I could try panicking him with a fire arrow," I muttered. I reached into my quiver and pulled out an arrow with an oil-tipped arrowhead. With a flint from my inventory, I looked away from the battle to light my arrow. When I looked up, a hooded figure stood before me.
She said, "Now, now. I can't have you harm an honored customer. Please forgive my selfishness."
"Aw, son of a –" I blacked out.
[Undisclosed Location, Assumed Laughing Coffin Base | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 611]
Great, now that I've dealt with the small fry (by teleporting them to Black Iron Palace for imprisonment with a couple stab wounds), I have to deal with the boss himself.
"Lovely morning, isn't it?" I greeted once again.
"Why, yes, it is so lovely. I'd love to see your eyes when they have the life instantly drained out of them," PoH responded in kind.
"Well, aren't you sunshine and rainbows! But, yeah, that shit is no go. It's gonna take more than a creepy butcher's cleaver to kill me."
"We'll see about that …"
"Sentai Avatar Change," a brief flash later I was in my ranger equipment, "Okokukage Halto."
I crouched my legs slightly and held my saxe knife in front of me to ward off his impending attack. PoH assumed a stance as if he's about to sprint forward. And before I could finish the thought …
PoH made the first move and charged forward in breakneck speed. I reacted by putting my blade in preparation for his chest running through it. When they say action is faster than reaction, they tend to forget that very stupid action can get your hurt and likely killed if the reaction was already planned out. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be an easy fight decided by that and my opponent already made a split decision to hack my knife arm off instead of my head. I parried and circled around to kick his back to break his guard and get in a shallow cut.
And then because the author is lazy as fuck, he couldn't bother to even finish a full description of the fight and instead skipped to its conclusion. (Oh, shut up! I haven't updated in years to the sadness of this story's followers, and you two fight like dogs for 20 fucking minutes! I need to to finish this chapter up for everyone's sake here. And it's not like I'm happy with this either. I wished I could've inserted the part where you to simultaneously flip over each other in blatant disregards of physics. Or the part where you go full Chav on PoH and mouth him off for being a "cock-eyed, arse-tucking flapdragon". Or even the part where you lose your arms and hold the knife in your teeth Naruto-style, and then you spit it out with enough force to take out both of PoH's arms at the same time. But, no, life ain't that easy and it's not gonna give us a freebie this time, so shut up and take it.)
Yeah, so do I say we fought for 20 minutes like dogs and now we're both missing arms from the brutal struggle?
(Yes.)
Well, I just did it, so moving on.
Glaring between each other, we were both pissed off. Our fighting spirit was running on fumes as the intensity of the fight wore down on us. I could really use a hand to pick up a healing crystal right now. Okay, that was bad. (I apologize.)
"Hey, it looks like you lost a handful. Or should I say, two handfuls," I said. (Actually, I don't.)
"God, stop with the hand puns," PoH growled.
"Oh, I'm sorry for being insensitive to your handicapped situation. You should come to the U.S. sometimes. State-of-the-art medical facilities and the right to bear arms." (Not yet …)
"Why do you do this?"
My tone darkened, "Because you made me do things I regret. And not just me, everyone who got caught up with your bullshit did things decent human beings shouldn't have to do. For them, you're sentenced to a long period of time to pay for what you took from the humans in this world. And, I'm gonna be the tax collector, so pay up."
A new voice entered the conversation, "As much as I hate to ruin your moment, but we have to go."
I whipped my head around and saw the Rat scurrying over to me.
"Argo? What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I thought your 'aggressive negotiations' broke down, so I came to pick you up," she replied snarkily.
"Well, you were right about that, but PoH and I here were just about to come to a diplomatic solution," I indicated with a scan of my own body, "Can't you see we're both disarmed. Quite literally and figuratively." (Okay. Now, I apologize.)
"We don't have time for that. The rest of the guards are converging on us as we speak. It's now or never, and I really prefer now," she said.
"Well, can't you hold them off for a little bit longer so I can teleport this asshole to Black Iron?"
"That's what I've been doing for the past half an hour! So, get up and let's go!"
"Are we seriously leaving this guy here? Can't you jail him?" I asked incredulously.
"I can't. Some voice said something about canon continuity or something," she answered with a shrug.
"GODFUCKINGDAMMIT, GRIM!"
(:^))
I got up and ran to Argo's side. She raised her teleport crystal and beamed us out of here.
[8/12/24 | Sword Art Online Let's Play Part 612]
I watched as the players came out of the dungeon. Most of them were shaken up badly. Some were just zombies, ambling with their gear over their backs. Others were muttering under their breaths about things that didn't spell good news. With the few that made it out a little better off, they wore grim expressions of deep concern and grief. When these once-confident high-leveled players have sunken so low into this depressing atmosphere, I could only think of the warnings I gave them and the urge to hold back "told ya so".
Then, I observed the prisoners that followed them. Some, as expected, were still wore a beaten-down smirk with the knowledge of what probably happened down there. Others, surprisingly, were bowing in what possibly could be regret and remorse. I guess not everyone in Laughing Coffin is so cold-blooded. Maybe the Crusade was a success.
"That bad, huh?" I mused. "Well, viewers, I'm going to end this day off with the warning. Don't do video games because they cause violence. Kidding! But, God, some fake news outlet is going to have a field day with this story. It's Gamergate 2.0. But, seriously, don't get caught up with bad people and think about what you're going to do. Because someone else just might be depending on it. See ya, guys. Varlancer, out."
[-]
Welcome back to the Let's Play! After 10000 years, I'm free! It's time to conquer – wait a minute, I was going to talk about the hiatus. Well, the simple explanation is that I actually became sane during this period of time due to the dwindling supplies of crack I have. The real explanation is that it was a mixture of stuff going on in my life, being plain lazy and unmotivated, and how this is my first attempt to get off of the canon railroad for this story. It's difficult as hell for me. I know, originality is hard to come by these days. Especially in Hollywood. But, hey, here's an update. Now, let's see the reviews:
Skyar Triv: Thanks for the advice. I didn't take the vodka. That's one less regret in my life. Now, I only have a gazillion left to look back on. *sighs*
rjm324: Honey, no one knows what's going on in Var's head. Even I don't really know. It's like looking at your own exposed brain to see what's going on in there, and then you realize you're missing a part of your skull and die of blood loss. Not my best analogy. At least it kinda works for me.
T51b Moridin: I can't respond to everything you said, but thank you for taking the time to review all of my chapter at once. It's cool. Regarding Ch.2, my earlier chapters were one of the first chapters I've ever written in FF and could definitely use improvement. But that's why I keep them as a way to remind me of how much I've grown. I probably would've added some Guardians of the Galaxy reference to standing up like a bunch of idiots in honor of Var's speech. Thank you again for enjoying my work.
SteveEst98: It's just how my humor works. So, you do you. Favoriting is appreciated.
yuni: I am not sure what you said there. But if you like SAO, so do I. Call my number which is 1-(XXX)-XXX-XXXX. *sniffs* I want friends.
shadowace2400: Here you go. It's thanks to you, buddy. Just know that.
Now, to be honest, another hiatus is probably going to follow this chapter, so don't get too hyped. High school is harder than you think, mostly. But when the next chapter comes out, AxelTheMoon, watch for this one.
This is GrimRangerLock and don't forget to turn off the oven. Ba-bye.
SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY!