Kakashi is an anomaly.
He doesn't know what to make of him. He doesn't know what to do. Sasuke stays where he lays because he's been frozen still for hours he thinks, it's hard to tell time underground. He couldn't move for the five minutes that his teacher has left, his body limp and incapable, and his mind screaming at him. Then he didn't want to move from where he's curled and safe, here, with his family. And Shiro, who has been whining helplessly for the past half hour, who renews his sound with fervor upon realizing that Sasuke is cognizant; Sasuke is mobile.
"Shiro?"
He pads closer and the Uchiha breathes, natural dog scent and cold sweat, something like himself.
"You didn't go with him," he croaks. It is the first thing he thinks to say, the second main thing on his mind and a kinder thought than what he's already been thinking. Sasuke runs his hand along Shiro's flank and the dog wags his tail slowly, idly, the white tip of it drooping to the floor. He doesn't expect an answer and he never really asked all the same. Sasuke only put the words out there if only to believe it better himself.
The fur underneath his fingertips is soft and runs like water, the evidence is right-here. But his brain can't fathom why.
Was this… a lesson?
He suddenly freezes at the thought. It's crazy, it's unbelievable, but it's also the only thing that could make even the smallest sense. Because there is no other excuse. Nothing. His mind goes blank while his hand moves on autopilot and his eyes, they spin and churn as if he could find the something he's missing. But he's a good ninja, he didn't mistake it. His own teacher intended to kill him… but more importantly, his own teacher had every right to.
He was found here, right?
It bothers him, the thought, it makes his hands shake as he passes up and down. Shiro pretends not to notice and Sasuke could thank him for that if he could speak. He can't though because he's too afraid to voice the thoughts rebounding in his head. Naruto and Sakura… they're his friends, they're his friends and Kakashi caught him in the wrong place at the wrong time because they're his friends, and he would never. It's unfair to place the thought in his head and bury the shame in his mind when he didn't do anything yet. Making him step up to the plate when he wasn't even in line; he wasn't.
But who'd believe him?
Shiro snuffles and Sasuke blinks and shakes himself awake, barely noticing the other being near to him. He needs to breathe in order to keep consistent air flowing in and out rather than to panic and let this get to him. He's scared and Kakashi was right and his wrists still throb, reddened and bruised as they are from the singular grip of his teacher's hand. Shaking. Reminding that he's just a kid - "you're parents perished when you were eight" – and Kakashi's not, Kakashi's better, faster, stronger. He was locked in with an advanced killer to himself, somebody as good as his brother. All that training for nothing. Sasuke was beaten so easily, so quick, with only the flash of a red eye to warn him and the single crackle of blue starfire – electricity.
Chidori.
Shiro shoots up when he can hear his heart hammering in quick bursts, he's going to go into a heart attack at any moment.
"Arf! Arf-arf!"
"Shut up!"
His worst nightmare come to life, he thought the job would have finally been finished! He thought he was going to die.
From his own teacher in such a way… it's too awful and it's burning him, here, here! No one would have known. The act remaining underground and hidden and secret, scares him the most. It was too convenient. More than just the quirky, mysterious anomaly he is as his teacher, this was not normal, it was personal; Kakashi had been waiting. Sasuke doesn't know what it means and he doesn't know what to do about it – not that he can do anything – he doesn't know why the man decided to stop himself half way and leave him alive.
Maybe it's because Sasuke's weak. That's the lesson Kakashi taught, that must be the real reason. Sasuke's weak for having visited, he's weak for losing so quickly, his pride lost and ripped to shreds. He's weak for giving up in the face of death and he's weak for even thinking it... Sasuke deserves this kind of invasion every time. He's weak for wanting his brother back, even in the little hope that he was here with him in the vaults, for being okay when it turned out to be his teacher instead.
And then Kakashi just tried to kill him and he can't find it in himself to hate the man for it; this is happening all over again.
(He let him live, and that's the final nail in the coffin. He's letting him run.)
When another five minutes pass, Sasuke doesn't move. He gets up, removes his hand and adjusts himself methodically while Shiro perks up at his motion. Sasuke tells himself to walk and he does.
...
"He's nothing like me."
Kakashi says into the air so he can't take it back. Once it's spoken it's like the flood gates are open, everything else follows.
"Looks nothing like me, too. Angrier. Loud. Strong. On the same team seven and yet he's an unprecedented surprise in the legacy. More than us, he's a growing boy. He's different. Well."
Yes, he should tell him everything even the bad, Kakashi thinks rightfully, nodding to himself. "He's rude, too, if you must know. He's a brat. Nothing like his brother, he is, but that doesn't mean much. He's such a smart kid. He's teaching me instead of the other way around so in that sense he's just like him," Kakashi looks onto the gray stone and today it isn't raining, only breeze and swaying grasses and the occasional bit of sunshine that disappears when a cloud overhead has passed.
"Maa, where have I gone wrong…" a bird whistles in the background, calling to him. He closes his eyes.
"Would you have done the same?"
"No, you wouldn't, of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't even think it. You were a better man than I remember, than I am." The block of gray stone stills and speaks nothing.
But Kakashi speaks all.
"If you could hear me now, tell me. What would you do, hm? Would you do this? How would you do this? I'm not like you, not even close, it's been years and I still haven't figured you out. I'm not good at this and I never was no matter the circumstances. So I'm asking you. Would you have done the same thing: twice?"
He's begging. "Didn't you regret?"
After a moment, Kakashi nods minutely. "Of course you did, now I understand a little better what you felt. You chose to carry the shame. It killed you in the end but better that than to have lived hating yourself, always wondering 'if'…" he trails and his eyes go dull, wandering.
Kakashi inhales once shakily.
"Dad. I wonder."
His body is still and the wind whistling rings in his ears, overly loud over the sound of his heart beating. It's a scary thing to admit this aloud as if his growing suspicions become more real in words.
"I'm thinking and I can't stop thinking. It's killing me. To know things I shouldn't know because of this gift, I regret the person I became. I never wanted this; I never wanted to know. I wanted to follow orders like a proper ninja should, never to think."
He always wanted a simple life away from scrutiny. A life like the protagonists of Jiraiya's books. He's an unlucky soul, that's for sure; Kakashi huffs half-heartedly in amusement.
"Sasuke makes me think. I know you'd be happy to hear that, you always said I was the same for you. That everything changed. Became more complicated. But I'm not the same person that you raised. I don't know why, it takes two deaths for one lesson and I was made teacher wrongly when I haven't finished learning yet."
Kakashi clenches his fist, and his gloves crackle leather between his fingers. "So where are you now? Do you still regret? Where are you when I need you? If you'd been alive to see him you would-"
He can't move his lips. His shoulders are shivering and he needs to breathe.
"Would you hate me? I wonder."
The ninja looks up to the sky and watches the clouds roll. One hand raises itself, slides the knot free of his headband, catches the metal before it could fall. He looks at the engraved branding, memorizes the notches into iron where the grooves swirl. Then, he peels off his mask, slowly, painfully, and the air is shocking onto his bare skin.
"It turns out I was wrong about you. This is harder than it looks." Kakashi pockets the hitai-ate somewhere hidden and he tries not to think so much, tries to blink and keep his eyes clear. But his mind is loud, clanging and clashing two kunai from opposing ninja across distances, past and future.
Or maybe future and present, he thinks.
"I had one chance. Now I have none," he shrugs. There's a sadness in the realization of his statement, and it's not all guilt. It's a loss for himself that he can't explain, Sasuke is his kid but now-
Now he has to give to get.
(He could have had it all, he never had to make a choice, he didn't need to lose, Kakashi thinks terribly.)
It's hurting him. "At the end of the day, I'm proud. I'm proud of him. I think? I'm sorry," the ninja clears his throat slightly, he slips the forehead protector hidden deep into one of his vest pockets. He shakes and closes his eyes.
He's realizing, "Now I wonder if this was the kind of world you wanted for me..."
The leaves rustle.
It's only moments later that a voice interrupts. "This is new," padding feet come up from behind him, settling at his left. Kakashi doesn't jolt, he falls into himself because he needs to maintain his stance, even if someone else is watching.
"Pakkun."
"Yo, boss," Pakkun says and raises a paw. Kakashi doesn't respond and doesn't move to acknowledge him, he stares resolutely at the grave before him. He knows his ninken must be strongly curious, must also scent the black dread leaden in his bones, until it takes all he can to keep his back straight, and his eyes dry and forward.
"I could smell you from a mile away," he says by way of explanation, though they both know his nose can cross leagues. "I was… surprised."
"Don't be."
"Okay," he huffs, then lumbers closer. Pakkun reads the engraving. His dad never made his name into the memorial stone, and at the time Kakashi was hard-pressed to find someone who'd cremate him properly. Even with his mask. That time he remembers, he sees clearly younger Kakashi, double-masked and no-Sharingan, and who didn't feel the need to make his father's cremation a priority. Who then shamed, turned and walked away. Traitor, they called him.
He's regretting a lot of things.
Pakkun speaks into the open. "One off the books, boss."
Kakashi double blinks at him.
The pug's dead face takes no questions, he squats with demand and makes his concluding stance.
"Now that I notice… you smell," he says and looks him directly in the eyes. Following where a tear has streaked, Pakkun can scent the dried salt from his place at the floor.
"I have my days," he admits.
"Hm," he looks at him meaningfully.
"I'm a little too old for this, don't you think?" Kakashi says as he obediently lowers himself onto one knee. Pakkun grunts. His eyes keep themselves on his father's name as he runs a gloved hand into cropped fur, and it's been a long, long time for this kind of feeling. He couldn't have refused in the state he was found and maybe that cements his ninken's worries, but at this point he doesn't care.
Something small is aligning, and he knows what he has to do.
Finally.
They watch the trees in silence.
...
Time has run out.
This is what Kakashi thinks when he finds his student busy with preparations and fully back into training. He's moved himself onto one of the forest courts of the Uchiha grounds to practice kunai throwing. He aims and misses, again and again because his wrist is shaky and the ninja can see his mind swirling. Sasuke doesn't seem to notice, him or the bad aim, his hands simply pick up another.
He has to stop this.
"Sasuke."
The kid freezes and his hand twitches. Probably not the most ideal method to begin… Kakashi steps out into view to make himself known. He hasn't been hiding intentionally however, Sasuke's eyes were previously preoccupied.
They are onto him.
This is why those same eyes flinch and his kid makes one visible step back. Closely watching his descent with trepidation... Kakashi feels heavy with sorrow.
"What do you want?" he demands with vehemence but the ninja can tell that it's fabricated. A front. His kid's downright terrified of him and he has every right to be.
"I came here to talk," Kakashi says and Sasuke breathes as if his body is priming to run if he can. It's exactly what the jounin taught him should he encounter someone larger and stronger, and should he be alone. The first priority being life in one's escape.
But he doesn't want him to go.
"Sasuke. Please."
"Why should I?" he growls viciously. His breath's coming in faster now, panicked and a deep, residing kind of hate pulled from the depths to be directed at him. Something that's been festering. He twitches bodily as if he were to make the hand signs to attack again, but they both know the result of such an action.
But the intention to fight to the death, it spells everything.
"Why should I listen to you? Is there something else you're going to blame me for? Or did you come back… did you change your mind?" he asks with suspicion and his eyes widen minutely. Sasuke moves into position, he takes up the academy defensive posture smoothly and without hesitation.
Just like he taught him.
"Haven't you done enough?"
"I'm not here to hurt you."
"Like hell you are."
"I'm serious, Sasuke," Kakashi says with meaning, imbuing as much sincerity into his words and his body language. He shows his palms and inner wrists and then he slowly lowers himself onto one knee… shorter and not as largely intimidating for the teen. Should he still be on the offensive, in theory the man would be slow to act. In theory. It's a simple courtesy move, because they both know the ninja can dodge under any handicap.
Sasuke watches him carefully while Kakashi takes his silence as permission.
"I think we have a lot to talk about."
"Like what?"
"Like you."
He pauses at that, hesitantly surprised. Sasuke's always curious though he doesn't like to admit it, he's eager to learn and understand. Especially if it's anything more about himself. He seems to relax and his eyes meet his once more, alight with something like hope. The kid makes a visible swallow and a little bit of the anger easily falls from his face. Sasuke must've been tired of throwing kunai, fighting; cutting. Tired of training; being alone; running.
And Kakashi wants to steal the time from his eyes, where his kid has aged decades from betrayal upon betrayal. Sasuke, who lost the spare few childhood years he has as a genin, thanks to himself.
"I don't want an apology," the kid says in a fragile, small voice.
And that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? A grown adult like himself bullying this kid, shaming him makes him ashamed. More than that, Kakashi's here, the seeds of mercy has infected him, now he's going to do something stupid.
"I'm not here to apologize."
Black hair shifts until it covers a pale face almost completely. He looks small even from his perch on the floor, distinctly looking away from him.
"I'm here to tell you the truth."
Two black eyes, dark and large with youth – innocent – watch him openly.
"Sasuke. You want to get revenge for your family, don't you?"
"Yes. I-"
"That's why you trained there. I know."
He almost whispers, he presses, "I'd never." He struggles visibly, and it hurts to watch him hurt like this. "I wasn't, I swear-"
"I know."
Sasuke makes an undefinable noise, ripped out of his throat and strangling him from the inside. He's breathing harshly now, something where this is deeper than it first seems. He's hurting. Kakashi's guilt sinks further into his chest, burying itself at the base of his spine where he bends. The motion catches those eyes, makes them flit nervously and he feels the expanse of his regret. Sasuke is suspicious of him... scared of him, watching him closely for any sudden movements or attacks, exactly like he taught him to. The realization is sickening.
Forgive me.
Sakura.
When Sasuke waits, and he waits for the child to compose himself as best he could, Kakashi cements his resolve. "Orochimaru," he says swiftly and the younger ninja blinks. "He'll give you the power to get your revenge. He can be your teacher."
He says this even though the words burn spilling out of his mouth, yellow rank and disgusting. This is wrong. To offer as an option the snake, the same sannin infamous for his experiments is revolting and goes against everything he's been told. Orochimaru is no teacher. He's a criminal. But Kakashi remembers that in another life Sasuke survived him, in the other life Sasuke killed him before his time ran out. He has to believe that the same can happen again.
Before him twin brows crumple and strain.
"W-what?"
Kakashi ignores him.
"He's currently posing as the Kazekage. He holds the intention to infiltrate Konoha from the inside and assassinate the Sandaime."
Sasuke's face goes tense and he scans his person for any hint of something, a lie, anything. But he won't find any masks here.
"How do you-"
"But most importantly, Sasuke? He's here for you."
He takes this in with wide eyes. Kakashi waits for the responding small nod.
"You know, don't you? Or maybe you can guess. Orochimaru will desire your body within the course of three years for his possession, specifically for the use of your Sharingan. He will need a body in order to complete his immortality; that is, in the form of you, Sasuke."
The kid's visibly confused. "Why are you telling me this? Why… why would you want me to go to him?"
The ninja clenches his teeth. I don't.
But he's a better teacher than I've been.
He's doing the right thing, right? Kakashi ignores him. "He's given you the curse mark," Sasuke throws a quick palm over his neck on instinct and Kakashi nods sadly. "Yes. That's his way of giving you an incentive: a gift. The seal can be released, allowing you to access incredible power."
"You can borrow this chakra twofold, maybe with this you can," kill your brother. "-get your revenge."
Sasuke's quiet.
Kakashi, half-finished he subsides like a weight is lifted off of him. He opens his mouth to continue but his kid speaks loud into the open air. His voice is powerful when the forest is quiet.
"Is this a mission?" he asks, desperately.
Is it?
"No. No." Kakashi shakes his head slowly, and he can watch as Sasuke's face falls. The words coming out of his mouth, the option to actively betray their village is real, it's happening. This is now. Traitor, traitor, traitor, his mind whispers. "This is opportunity," he says over himself. "I wanted you to have choice."
"What in the world are you asking-"
"I want you to know that, hm, Sasuke? I tried to kill you." Sasuke gasps and the ninja's on a roll, from now he won't stop himself from speaking. "I really did. I thought your revenge has consumed you, so I made an attempt when the chance revealed itself. But maybe I was always wrong."
He's created the situation. Invented it. Perpetuated it. Distrust breeds distrust. Kakashi shouldn't have been surprised to find things turn out this way. He shouldn't have been surprised that when he continued to refuse to support, to ignore the problem, it came back with a vengeance. Earlier than the last time, even.
And now maybe he's too late.
Kakashi shakes his head of it.
"I-I don't understand?"
"Sasuke, come here."
The genin hesitates for a moment until he walks obediently where he is. Sasuke stands straighter than before, eyes past the top of his head, looking beyond himself. Kakashi steels his hands and then he removes his scroll from the first time, slowly, carefully. The crumpling sound it makes grabs at the Uchiha's attention.
He's made space on the scroll, granted only a small corner, the Hatake clan was never really much of a clan to begin with. Not enough to expect this.
Kakashi lays the white along the ground and the younger ninja is looking at him but he doesn't pay him any attention. "You know the deal."
"That's yours." He says like a statement.
"No. It's shared." He taps where he should sign, and Sasuke… Sasuke looks like glass.
"Why?" he asks him.
Kakashi doesn't know how else to say this. "You're a student from the fourth. You're a student from a sannin, and from the third himself. A ninja of the Leaf Village. You're my student – and that has to be enough. I believe in you." He looks him straight in the eyes. Something where the words roll off his tongue and tastes of bittersweet; he's still trying to believe.
Sunset pink behind his eyes... it's so difficult.
"And regardless of what I've done I trust and support in your decision. Do you understand me?" Sasuke nods quickly. "No matter what you decide to do from now on, I-" his voice is difficult through his mask, this is what he tells himself. "I'm happy for you."
He's going to lose him again.
"-now wherever you go, Shiro can always be called; Pakkun and the rest of my team too. They're available for you, anytime you need it." When Sasuke crumbles in face with the realization of what's being given, what's really happening, Kakashi can't look at him anymore.
"You're a smart kid." He shrugs lightly. "You don't need to hear this from me."
Instantly the smell of copper bursts in the air, and salt: copper and salt and the sound of paper strokes in tune with his heavy breathing. Finally. One gift in exchange for another, now he and Obito can be at peace. Sasuke takes his time and Kakashi doesn't make note of it, he looks away to give them the illusion of privacy. Courtesy.
When he's done, Sasuke tries weakly. "What about you? What are you going to do?" he asks the important question.
What's going to happen to you?
And for the first time, Kakashi's free. His relief of the weight allows his mask to turn up, his belief in the course of time his eye to crinkle. "Well, it's out of my hands now. Maa, the next generation has already begun."
Kakashi smiles at him.
For better or for worse.
"You will change the ninja world."
A/N:
So. My first completed fanfic. I deliberately pulled quotes to score some tears (though I read this so many times I may have desensitized myself), and, well, now I think it kinda fits. If Naruto has a destiny as a hero, so does Sasuke, though what that specifically entails complicates things. Who knows?
There are some plot holes, I'm well aware of some of them, you are freely welcome to point them out, please, if you'd like. I'm still reeling over the fact that I actually finished something, wow, okay. Hopefully this chapter didn't come across as overly mushy/feeling-y, there's a lot of dialogue and confession here, so. I tried to be more subtle but I think I failed somewhere.
But at the end of the day, I wanted to say that this isn't a fix it. This is an end: an open-ending. Whether any of you think Sasuke will take this and grow up the same as he has or whether he'll change his course is entirely up to you, reader. I'm sorry if you were hoping something more conclusive, but I felt this was best.
Thanks for waiting, seriously, and thanks for reading,
-hanareader