Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 22
Airdate: March 26, 2017
"Cowboy Kyle's Comeback Tour"
Special Guest Stars: Paul Ben-Victor as Mr. Johnson, Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax
#TYH522
SCENE 1
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
After school, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are shown eating sundaes.
RK: You know what I saw on Bounce last night when I was flipping channels?
WADE: What?
RK: The Cosby Show. I think it's great that the show's back on the air. You know, after all that stuff happened.
JAYLYNN: Hasn't it been back for a couple months?
RK: Well, this is the first I'm hearing about it. I guess I'm just not on top of these things like I used to be.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, probably.
RK gives Jaylynn a look of disgust, then goes back to his ice cream. At that moment, Sparky and Buster head to the booth.
SPARKY: Guys, guys! We just heard the greatest news of all-time!
WADE: What news?
BUSTER: Well, we'll give you a guess. One of the greatest TV shows of all-time is coming back with new episodes.
RK: Oh, guys, we already covered The Cosby Show. I'm sorry.
WADE: I think they mean a show is getting rebooted with brand new episodes. Is it The Boondocks?
SPARKY: No.
JAYLYNN: Danny Phantom?
SPARKY: No.
RK: Cowboy Bebop?!
BUSTER: No.
RK: Well, if it's not about Cowboy Bebop in any way, shape, or form, I'm not interested.
BUSTER: Well, you actually got close with the cowboy part. It's Cowboy Kyle's Frontier Adventures!
SPARKY: The brand new season starts in six weeks!
JAYLYNN: Cowboy Kyle? Dude, that was my shit back when I was younger. Remember the episode where Kyle was stuck in a mine shaft?
BUSTER: Yeah, and Kyle had to lasso his way out of the shaft so he could take down the guys making fake ID's in their chambers? That was a classic!
SPARKY: Yeah, if we're lucky, the new season might have a sequel. You know, like fan service.
WADE: Am I the only one who felt like the show was a little formulaic?
RK: Yeah, I mean, Kyle almost always came out on top. The only time he didn't was in part one of that two-parter where he was probed by aliens. I never got the hype.
SPARKY: Never got the hype? Cowboy Kyle taught us about discipline, responsibility, and the fact that we all have a little cowboy inside of us.
BUSTER: Yeah, and as long as we have the cowboy spirit, anything is possible.
RK: Isn't that the reason why people thought it was made for Nick Jr.?
BUSTER: You're deflecting.
SPARKY: Look, bottom line, Kyle's back and TV just got a hundred times better. We need to plan a viewing party for the first episode and everything.
Sparky and Buster begin to walk away from the others.
BUSTER: I second that. We should make sure there's enough Gatorade at the party.
SPARKY: Why would we need Gatorade?
BUSTER: Because people will be sweating so much from the excitement, they'll lose energy. They have to make sure they have fuel.
SPARKY: You're always one step ahead, Buster.
Cut back to RK, Wade, and Jaylynn.
RK: I bet that reboot's gonna suck.
WADE: Historically speaking, a lot of these revivals have come off as soulless marketing strategies rather than genuine creative endeavors.
JAYLYNN: Oh, come on, guys, let them have their fun. If it sucks, they can cry about it on the night it happens, but until then, let them be excited.
RK: Jaylynn's right. Who am I to stand in the way of another kid's enjoyment of TV? That's a crab mentality.
JAYLYNN: Exactly. Besides, I'm pretty sure you guys have plenty of shows you used to love when you were younger.
WADE: I've always had a fondness for Reading Rainbow. I bet if it was revived today, the spirit of the original series would live on like it never left.
RK: And what if it didn't?
WADE: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mrs. Bernstein's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
The boys are all in their English class the next morning.
SPARKY: You know, I found out this morning that we're going to get exclusive information about the Cowboy Kyle reboot on Entertainment Tonight.
BUSTER: Entertainment what?
SPARKY: No, the show is called Entertainment Tonight. I can't wait to find out everything we need to know to prepare.
Principal MacGregor walks in at that moment.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Good morning children.
CHILDREN: Good morning Principal MacGregor.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I regret to inform you that Mrs. Bernstein has decided to take a hiatus from her teaching duties following the untimely death of her brother. So we will be having substitutes to take her place until further notice.
WADE: This is terrible.
RK: I know, I feel so bad for Mrs. Bernstein. They can't just get some random nobody to do her job. Hopefully, we get a cool teacher.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I would like to introduce you to your first substitute, Mr. Johnson.
Mr. Johnson walks into the classroom at that point.
MR. JOHNSON: Hello there, kids. I'm going to be the substitute teacher for the next two weeks.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'll leave you all to your studies.
Principal MacGregor leaves and Mr. Johnson takes off his jacket.
MR. JOHNSON: Alright, motherf***ers, here's how things are going to go. In my class, you're going to go to work. I don't tolerate kids who don't do what they're supposed to do. I don't check my attitude at the door, and I don't care at all what you guys think of me. This is my world, and you're all living in it.
RK: Oh, wow, check it out. We have a badass over here.
Mr. Johnson raises his eyebrow and walks over to RK.
MR. JOHNSON: You probably think I'm stupid. You think that I'm just a puppet, don't you?
RK: I'm glad you see things my way. Look, you're a substitute. Your job is to just follow the lesson plan and make sure none of us hurt ourselves for two weeks.
MR. JOHNSON: And now you're telling me how to do my job. Just for that, since you love to be outspoken, why don't you write a five-page paper about the North American Free Trade Agreement? Do you agree or disagree with it? It will be due tomorrow.
RK: What?! You can't make me do that!
WADE: Yeah, this is a blatant abuse of power!
MR. JOHNSON: You know what? Why don't you join him? And if either of you fail to complete the paper, you're both getting detention.
WADE: This cannot be happening.
MR. JOHNSON: Well, it is. See, guys, I'm your substitute. I'm just here for the two weeks which means I can do whatever I want. I've been in the educational system for 15 years and schools still want a piece of me to this day. I'm practically bulletproof when it comes to my job. Unless I end up molesting one of you kids, and I won't, nothing will ever happen to me.
There is an awkward pause as the kids stare at Mr. Johnson in bewilderment.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Bitch Clock is watching TV.
REPORTER: And in local news, police are looking for a group of Caucasian teenagers that allowed their African-American friend to drown during a boat trip. Authorities say that the young man struggled repeatedly to get back on the boat, but his friends offered him absolutely no assistance.
BITCH CLOCK: That's disgusting. Hey Sparky, get in here.
Sparky walks in from the kitchen.
SPARKY: What is it, Bitch Clock?
BITCH CLOCK: These punks let their friend die in the water all because he was black.
SPARKY: Really? No way.
BITCH CLOCK: Mm-hmmm. I tell you, there are so many things wrong with this country. Racism has negatively impacted our society for generations and we choose to do nothing about it.
Bitch Clock gets a phone call at that point.
BITCH CLOCK: Hang on a moment. Hey, what's up, Mark? What do you mean they lost the wine? Dude, that wine was a gift from my yoga instructor. I was going to pop it with you guys tonight. No, we're killing them. I don't give a shit, those dirty Brazilians have it coming. I was ready to get smashed and they ruined it. That's why those good for nothing bastards can't even win the World Cups they host. Okay, meet me outside of the drugstore with a ski mask and a pocket knife. I'm going to blow their heads off and have their souls dancing in Rio. Bye.
Bitch Clock hangs up and looks up at a less than amused Sparky.
BITCH CLOCK: I, uh...I have to take care of some special business. You didn't know, hear, or see anything.
SPARKY: The only thing I see here is irony.
Buster comes running through the door and falls on the floor.
BUSTER: Did the special start yet?
SPARKY: No, in like, one minute.
BITCH CLOCK: Does he know anything about this?
BUSTER: Know anything about what?
BITCH CLOCK: That's what I like to hear.
Bitch Clock runs upstairs while looking at Sparky and Buster.
BUSTER: Do you ever think about getting involved in his activities?
SPARKY: No, because if I do, that means I'll know about it.
VOICEOVER: Tonight on Entertainment Tonight, the controversial decisions behind rebooting the popular children's series Cowboy Kyle's Frontier Adventures.
SPARKY: Controversial? What could be controversial about this?
BUSTER: Maybe one of the actors asked for too much money. You know how these celebrities are.
VOICEOVER: In six weeks, Cowboy Kyle's Frontier Adventures is being rebooted for a new season of episodes. The series started in 2007 and ended after five seasons to considerable acclaim from fans and critics. However, the series is now under fire due to comments made by the show's creator, Steven Lankford.
Cut to Mr. Lankford giving an interview at his house.
STEVEN LANKFORD: Um, the series is now being hijacked. They hired new writers without consulting me, they didn't ask the voice actors to come back for weeks, and they were promoting the show without consulting me. When I asked them why they're doing this, one of them spit in my eye and threw me down the stairs.
VOICEOVER: Mr. Lankford said the network went behind his back to reboot the show, and he never gave his blessing for them to do this. Although Lankford created the show in high school and was the showrunner for all five seasons, the network refused to contact him. Peter Dooley and Craig Schwartz, former co-writers for The Magic Bathtub, took Lankford's place as showrunner during production.
PETER DOOLEY: It was hard since we've barely seen any episodes.
CRAIG SCHWARTZ: Yeah, they hired us and I was like, "Wait. We have to know something about the show, right?" They said no, they know we could write so they gave us the job.
PETER DOOLEY: We had to do a lot of research. I don't really like the show but it was fun. We made lots of new friends.
SPARKY: No, you can't have the guys from The Magic Bathtub work on Cowboy Kyle! Those are two completely different shows!
BUSTER: What's The Magic Bathtub about again?
SPARKY: Oh, it's about that kid who discovers the underworld hidden in his bathtub and he becomes the emperor.
BUSTER: Oh yeah. I always hated that show.
SPARKY: Yeah, but it still has three Emmys. I can't believe this. In six weeks, our all-time favorite show is going to be the laughingstock of the world.
BUSTER: It doesn't have to be. We can do something about this.
SPARKY: Like what?
BUSTER: We can ask people to get involved. Call the police, the local newspapers, Al Sharpton. Let everybody know that Cowboy Kyle doesn't deserve to come back.
SPARKY: That just might be crazy enough to work. You think people will listen to us?
BUSTER: They better. I mean, with all the problems in the world today, people want to focus on the stuff no one cares about? Like healthcare? This is life and death we're dealing with here.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK and Wade are at their lockers.
WADE: So did you do your NAFTA paper?
RK: Sure did.
WADE: Wait, really?
RK: Hell no, of course I didn't.
WADE: RK, Mr. Johnson's gonna put you in detention!
RK: Please, like I care about that. Mr. Johnson needs to understand that there is a hierarchy in school when it comes to substitutes. And I'm at the top. RK Jennings doesn't bow down to the man.
WADE: Well, what if you get suspended?
RK: More time at home for me.
WADE: Expelled?
RK: I can always start my career of owning a small business.
WADE: Deported?
RK: I have Swedish in my family.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Johnson's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
RK looks bored as Mr. Johnson walks up to him.
MR. JOHNSON: So, Jennings boy, Wade did his NAFTA report. Did you?
RK: First of all, I have a name. And second of all, I didn't. But I did find out a second meaning to NAFTA. If I were you, I would look into that.
MR. JOHNSON: Well, you know that your ass is going into detention, right?
RK: Yeah, so? Does it look like I give a shit? I know your game, Johnson. We're two sides of the same coin. We like to bend the rules to get what we want. We both want to be the number one man. But in this class, I don't answer to you. You're a monkey in a suit paid to watch over us so you can go back to your family and say you did something. So try going the round with me. Because I assure you that you won't get far.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade wave goodbye to Sparky and Buster as they go their separate ways.
RK: I can't believe that bastard forced me to write "I Won't Disturb the Class" five times, erase it, and write it five more times until the end of class.
WADE: I'm going to be honest, that was a real boring class.
RK: Boring doesn't even begin to describe it, and I've seen episodes of So Little Time. But did you taste that guy's breath? God, it smelled like...cold Chef Boyardee and ibuprofen. That's it. I'm getting him out of here.
WADE: His breath was the final straw for you?
RK: Well, no, but it's part of it. The fact of the matter is, Mr. Johnson is overstepping his boundaries as a substitute teacher. I'll take him down faster than I took down that...that other thing.
WADE: Were you trying to...
RK: Yeah, I couldn't remember anything quick enough.
Cut to Sparky and Buster at their lockers.
SPARKY: We have to find a way to get Cowboy Kyle cancelled.
BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky, I'm already on it. I have Hollywood studios on speed dial. I can get rid of a show in a flash. Just watch.
Buster pulls out his phone and starts calling an unknown number.
BUSTER: Yeah, hello? Paramount Pictures? Yes, I would like to let you guys know that the reboot of Cowboy Kyle is offensive, dangerous, and should be cancelled immediately. Why? Well, because, um...it has a very inaccurate portrayal of the Old West. My great grandmother was a part of that generation, damn it, and she would be disgusted by it! Wait, you're not Paramount? You guys just sell staples and paperclips? Beat. Okay, well, how many staples are in a box? Because I'm always running out and I don't want to keep going back for more.
SPARKY: Buster, hang up.
Buster hangs up the phone.
SPARKY: You don't know the studios, do you?
BUSTER: I'm pretty sure I was scammed.
SCENE 7
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
That day, Sparky and Buster look deep in thought over the Cowboy Kyle situation.
SPARKY: Hey, what if we lied about the show introducing a gay character? People will get pissed, the network will face boycotts and they'll have to pull the episodes.
BUSTER: Why would being gay cause so much trouble?
SPARKY: I don't know. People are always upset about that kind of thing. Doesn't hurt to try.
An older-looking gentleman walks up to the boys.
JACK: Excuse me, kids, do you know the specials here?
BUSTER: This place just serves ice cream. But if you want, you can get an ice cream sundae that looks like a clown every Friday after 2 P.M.
JACK: You know, I'll just grab some coffee. Thanks anyways.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. I know your voice. There's no way it's really you.
JACK: Well, my real name is Jack Vernon, but I guess you could refer to me by my more famous title, Cowboy Kyle.
SPARKY: Cowboy Kyle?! COWBOY KYLE?!
BUSTER: Sparky, what's going on? Did someone die?
SPARKY: Buster, the man himself, Cowboy Kyle is in our presence!
BUSTER: OH MY GOD, I WORSHIP YOU! I'M NOT WORTHY, SIR!
JACK: Guys, if you're thinking about kidnapping me, you have another thing coming.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cowboy Kyle's actor sits on the couch watching TV while Sparky and Buster are in the kitchen with a pint of ice cream.
SPARKY: This is unbelievable. This is monumental. Our hero, our role model, the great Cowboy Kyle, is in my living room. Watching my TV, drinking out of my glass without a coaster. I'm blessed.
BUSTER: I'm going to give Cowboy Kyle an ice cream made for real men. It's time for the return of Buster's Candyman Delight. Oreo ice cream topped off with Skittles and strawberry syrup.
SPARKY: Don't you think a big Hollywood star like him should be eating something healthier?
BUSTER: Sparky, they're not Hollywood stars unless you've spoiled them.
Buster takes the bowl of Candyman Delight and gives it to Cowboy Kyle.
JACK: Oh, wow, thank you.
BUSTER: You know it.
JACK: Damn, this is going to kill me but it still looks good.
SPARKY: So Jack, thanks for accepting my invitation but we wanted you here for a very important reason. You see, Buster and I loved Cowboy Kyle when we were younger and we feel like this new season is going to really hurt the show's legacy. We want to get it cancelled, but we don't have any influence to do anything about it.
JACK: Wait, what? Are you guys serious right now?
BUSTER: Well, yeah, this is very serious business. So can you help us or not?
JACK: Look, boys, I can tell you two are really great fans and I appreciate you reaching out to me like this. But there's nothing I can do for you.
BUSTER: Typical Hollywood attitude.
JACK: It's not that. This job is my livelihood. It's not easy for me to get roles anymore because people always look at me as Kyle. Now that I have that again, I can't mess up my money. Otherwise, that leads to scandal, then blacklisting, then me eating Bush's baked beans out of a bed pan behind a 7-Eleven. I can't risk it.
BUSTER: Would...would the beans have franks in them?
SPARKY: Jack, don't you care at all about the show? I mean, you worked on it for years. Surely, you have to know how bad the new season was.
JACK: I just did what they told me. I mean, yeah, the scripts seemed really weird at times. In fact, it felt like the writers never even watched the old show.
BUSTER: A very sad truth.
JACK: I'm not interested in destroying something that's going to feed me and my family. Even if I do think the show is garbage.
SPARKY: Okay, how much were you contracted to get?
JACK: About two million for fifteen episodes.
SPARKY: Okay, we'll double that if you help us. You get your money and you'll also be doing the right thing.
BUSTER: Sparky, what are you doing? We don't have four million dollars!
SPARKY: That's what you think. This guy's getting what's coming to him.
JACK: So you guys actually have that kind of money?
SPARKY: Yeah, we do. We have friends that are heirs to fortunes, future businessmen, close relatives of celebrities. We can get the money to you personally as soon as you do your job.
JACK: Okay, so what exactly am I doing here?
SPARKY: You said that you're having a press conference at Ike's this weekend to promote the show. Your job is to tell everyone that the reboot of Cowboy Kyle is awful and nobody should watch it. People will take your word for it, not tune in, and nobody will even remember a new season was supposed to come.
JACK: Well, guys, do what you have to do. I'm going to go pick up a couple six-packs.
BUSTER: I still can't believe we were able to meet you.
JACK: Yeah, it's always rewarding to meet great fans. It's a good thing you two caught me on this particular day for this reason which ironically is why I'm here in the first place.
SPARKY: Yeah, Jack, we get it. We're not slow. But don't worry. We'll make sure your family gets that money.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK looks inside Mr. Johnson's classroom and sees him writing something at his desk.
RK: There he is. Smug little punk. Acting like he's the president or some shit.
RK moves his head away from the door and proceeds to hand Jaylynn a paper.
RK: Okay, Jaylynn, here you go. As long as Mr. Johnson reads this, you'll be fine.
JAYLYNN: You never really explained your plan to me and I don't understand why.
RK: Look, Mr. Johnson is a cancer as a substitute teacher. So now I'm the cure that the government is hiding from the people. One thing I know about teachers is they get in hot water for saying awful things to kids. So if you can get Johnson to say what I wrote, I can film it secretly, show it to Principal MacGregor, and he's out of here.
JAYLYNN: Why do you think he'll automatically be fired? He'll just find a way to deny everything.
RK: Ah, here's the beauty part. When regular teachers say this, they get sensitivity training. But he's a substitute. MacGregor will have no choice but to get rid of him.
JAYLYNN: Couldn't you just wait until these two weeks are over? Chances are, you're just going to get another substitute that sucks.
RK: Look, Jaylynn, if you don't help me with this, I'm telling everyone that you like to call yourself "Jaylala" when you're at home.
JAYLYNN: I don't call myself that!
RK: Yeah, well, who do you think they're gonna believe?
JAYLYNN: Fine. Just give me the damn paper.
Jaylynn takes the paper and walks into Mr. Johnson's class.
JAYLYNN: Hey there, Mr. Johnson. Having a good morning?
MR. JOHNSON: Wait, I know you. You're that redheaded kid!
JAYLYNN: Wow, what tipped you off? The red hair?
MR. JOHNSON: Don't get smart with me. I acknowledged you. So what's up?
JAYLYNN: Well, ever since I was four, I've had dyslexia and I can't really read as well as the other kids.
RK slowly walks in the room with the camera.
JAYLYNN: Could you tell me what this says?
MR. JOHNSON: You're...you're kidding, right?
JAYLYNN: If I was kidding, I wouldn't hate myself as much as I do but you already know.
MR. JOHNSON: Seriously, are you tricking me? You're trying to get me fired, aren't you? You think I'm stupid?
JAYLYNN: My friend does.
RK: Okay, you guys are awful. Just awful. This is...this-this was just a big fat waste of my time. I should have just used a phone for this crap.
MR. JOHNSON: RK, what were you trying to do?
RK: Getting you kicked out of here. Insulting a poor innocent half-white girl with dyslexia was foolproof. But I didn't bank on one small thing: You would be smart enough to actually figure out what's going on here.
MR. JOHNSON: Well, I'm not going anywhere, you jackass. So you can just forget about trying to get me fired, BECAUSE I'M MADE OF SUBSTITUTE TEFLON, BITCH!
RK: That sounds like a much lesser version of Teflon. You do realize you just insulted yourself, right?
Cut to RK and Jaylynn leaving the class.
RK: Okay, that didn't work out. Lucky for me, I'm not a one-plan guy. I have about three more ideas to get Mr. Johnson out of here, each one better than the last. Today was plan A. Tomorrow, plan B.
JAYLYNN: Whatever you do, I just hope you don't involve me in it.
RK: Trust me, Jaylala, I won't need your help on this.
JAYLYNN: If you call me Jaylala one more time, I'm punching you in the throat.
RK: Jaylala.
Jaylynn actually punches RK in the throat, knocking him out.
JAYLYNN: I told you so.
Jaylynn checks RK's pulse, looks around, shrugs, and walks away.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster look dejected as they eat their lunch.
BUSTER: Sparky, how are we going to get Cowboy Kyle four million dollars? Once he realizes that we don't have that money, he's not going to help us and everyone's going to clown us for being fans of the show.
SPARKY: I have an idea. We start a bake sale where everything is at least five hundred dollars. And we put drugs in the treats so people will buy more, and by the time it's over, we'll have raised enough money.
BUSTER: Do you really think that will work?
SPARKY: I don't know, man, I hate my life right now.
Jaylynn proceeds to join the boys.
JAYLYNN: Hey guys. What's going down?
SPARKY: Our self-confidence is going down, that's what. We ran into Jack Vernon, the guy who plays Cowboy Kyle yesterday.
JAYLYNN: You two met your idol and you're upset about it?
BUSTER: It's not that. We found out that the new Cowboy Kyle season is going to be pure shit, and when we met Kyle, we thought he would be able to help us keep people from watching it.
SPARKY: But get this, he actually wants to not rock the boat and protect his money.
JAYLYNN: No freaking way, man. There is like, no God in this world, okay?
SPARKY: Dude, this is no time for sarcasm. This is a code red situation!
BUSTER: Sparky promised to double Kyle's salary from this season if he could help us get the show pulled. Now we're over here thinking of ways to raise four million dollars.
JAYLYNN: You could start a GoFundMe. People are always using that site for quick money from suckers.
SPARKY: I don't know. Ever since the RK incident, I can't use that website anymore.
BUSTER: Yeah, we're just going to have to think of another way to get that money.
SPARKY: By any means necessary.
Sanna and Ashley pass by the guys laughing.
ASHLEY: So how much did you pay for that necklace?
SANNA: I don't wanna say, it's embarrassing.
ASHLEY: It was a lot, wasn't it?
SANNA: Of course it was, you bum. Sometimes, I wonder why I spend so much but then I realize something.
ASHLEY: What?
SANNA: That it's like a way of life for me. I have to do it because then it's like I'm not living.
ASHLEY: I bet you're going to become an amazing gambler one day.
SANNA: Of course I am.
SPARKY: Oh my God. Buster, our prayers have been answered.
BUSTER: You're right. Sanna's covered in jewels each and every day. She probably has the world's largest diamond mine sticking out of her backyard.
SPARKY: By any means necessary, right?
BUSTER: Right.
JAYLYNN: Wait, hold up, guys. Are you seriously thinking about robbing Sanna?
SPARKY: It's not really robbing Sanna exactly. It's like a little yard sale. We take her old, valuable junk, pawn it off for a cool four million and give Jack what he needs to help us.
BUSTER: And the best part is, we'll be doing the work for Sanna. She won't even know someone did it until she tries doing it herself.
SPARKY: Exactly.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe what I'm hearing right now. You guys are seriously about to rob your friend? What the f*** are you on right now?
SPARKY: We're on borrowed time, that's what! We grew up with Cowboy Kyle. We don't want it to become another show full of greedy executives sticking their nose into it.
BUSTER: And if we have to steal things to get what we want, we'll do it.
JAYLYNN: Come on, guys, this isn't you. You're taking a chance on something that might not even work out. You have to think about this. Is it really worth hurting Sanna? Going to jail and having a record before you're in junior high?
Beat.
SPARKY: By any means necessary.
BUSTER: Yeah, we're robbing her blind after school tomorrow.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK is on his laptop when KG walks downstairs.
KG: No TV tonight? Damn, this must be serious.
RK: You know it, bro. I have a very important job tonight.
KG: To do what?
RK: To get rid of the worst substitute teacher in the history of mankind.
KG: And how are you going to do that?
RK: Well, my plan to have him get fired because of bad language didn't work. Now I'm making a fake Facebook page that will destroy his reputation. By tomorrow, everyone will see Mr. Johnson as a Nazi-obsessed weirdo.
KG: Ah, getting rid of a teacher. When I was in elementary school, my friends and I were terrorized by Mr. Smitty.
RK: Mr. Smitty?
KG: Yeah. As a joke, he would often call himself Mr. Smittys. None of us ever got it. But he was awful. He used to make us recite all fifty states. Every single one of us had to know at least half the states by heart or we would have to go to lunch late.
RK: He sounds like a monster. And he was your permanent teacher?
KG: Yeah, for a couple months. But one day, my friends and I had enough and knew his days were numbered. So we hired a guy to throw a brick at his head.
RK: And he died?
KG: No, but he was in a coma for months. It was never traced back to us and we later found out that he was getting extra close with the principal's kids so in a way, we did everyone a favor.
RK: Wow. Your generation was thorough.
KG: You're telling me. So you know what, brother? I salute you. No kid should have to deal with a teacher they can't stand. Whatever it takes, man. Remember the brick.
RK: Remember the brick. You know what? I will. Thanks for your back in the day story. It actually helped me.
KG: Hey, it had to at some point.
KG heads into the kitchen while RK laughs to himself as he types.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK is in the office with Principal MacGregor.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Mr. Jennings, is this true?
RK: I'm afraid it is, sir. I was shocked, disgusted, and hurt when I saw that page last night. I knew I had to tell someone.
Mr. Johnson walks into the office at that point.
MR. JOHNSON: RK? Look, Mr. MacGregor, whatever he told you...
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Mr. Johnson, I don't even want you justifying this. We do not promote hatred, intolerance, or bigotry of any kind at this school. You're lucky this slipped through the background checks or else you would have been banned from this district on the spot.
MR. JOHNSON: What in the name of the Lord are you talking about, Alvin?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's not my name, WHY DOES EVERYONE GET THAT F***ING WRONG?! Beat. I'm sorry about that. But Mr. Johnson, this is absolutely perverse.
MR. JOHNSON: Nothing this kid said is true. I'm 100% clean.
RK: Look at him. Denying everything. It's just like when I heard Hulk Hogan's rant for the first time. Playing it over and over in my head. I mean, WHAT HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO?!
RK starts crying, looks up at Principal MacGregor briefly, then starts crying again.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Mr. Johnson, I need you to explain to me the meaning of these contents on your Facebook page.
Principal MacGregor turns his laptop around to reveal the fake Facebook page that RK made. The cover photo is of a Nazi swastika, the profile picture is of Mr. Johnson hugging a cutout of Adolf Hitler, and the profile name is Derek Johnson (Mein Kampf).
MR. JOHNSON: Sir, I don't know what that's about, but that is not my Facebook page. If it were me, do you really think I would be stupid enough to promote being a Nazi sympathizer?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: So you've thought about it?
MR. JOHNSON: No. But why don't I give you some help here?
Mr. Johnson goes to the laptop and types in his Facebook name.
MR. JOHNSON: See that? DJ Derek Johnson. That's me. I'm not really a DJ, those are just my initials.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Why is your profile picture of you in a Speedo?
MR. JOHNSON: Hey, ignore that. That's for my female admirers only.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh. Well, I'll be. Mr. Jennings, I believe the page you saw was fake. Probably just some hooligan trying to desecrate Mr. Johnson's reputation.
Cut to RK and Mr. Johnson leaving the office.
MR. JOHNSON: I know you made that page to get me fired. You're pathetic.
RK: And you're an undercover Nazi who spends summers in Auschwitz, but I haven't called the cops on you, have I?
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, Sparky and Buster are getting dressed in all-black suits and putting on ski masks.
SPARKY: Okay, Buster, remember the plan?
BUSTER: No. We never came up with a plan! Your exact words were, "We just climb through Sanna's bedroom window and start stealing stuff."
SPARKY: Oh. You're right. Well, the ladder's in my trunk so that takes care of that.
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't feel good about this at all. I don't wanna rob Sanna and sell her junk. I'm going to have to live with being a thief for the rest of my life. And once people find about, they'll probably start calling me "Buster the Thief" or "Buster Thieveman" or "The Blonde Burglar" for the rest of my life.
SPARKY: I don't wanna do it either, man, but we have no choice. This isn't even for us. This is for millions of people out there who don't want to see their favorite show get ruined. We have to get the money by any means necessary.
BUSTER: Alright, fine. But I won't be able to live with myself after this.
Beat.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm gonna be honest, we look stupid right now.
SPARKY: I know we do.
SCENE 14
The Qureshi Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's car pulls up near Sanna's house.
SPARKY: Okay, so Sanna is hanging out at Ashley's.
BUSTER: How do you even know that?
SPARKY: I have reliable intel.
BUSTER: By reliable intel, you mean Jaylynn?
SPARKY: Come on, man, you know it sounded cool. Anyway, Sanna's gonna be there for a while so we can just waltz in the house, swipe as many things as we can, and pawn them off for the big bucks.
BUSTER: Alright. Let's just do this quick and get rid of this knot in my stomach.
SPARKY: Okay, let's get that ladder.
Sparky and Buster take out the ladder from the trunk and set it up near Sanna's bedroom window.
BUSTER: Sparky, how are we going to get inside? This whole place is locked.
SPARKY: Of course, no one's here. Why would it be unlocked? Oh, I get where you're going with this. Um, here's a rock. We can crack the window open by force.
Sparky climbs up the ladder with the rock in his hand and breaks it open.
BUSTER: Oh my God. We're going to go to jail. And not the children's jail they have for children. The man jail. The man jail where the showers are cold, food is made out of nuclear...cellulite protons and not a day goes by without someone getting shot.
SPARKY: Buster, come on, we have to start stealing!
BUSTER: Ugh. This is it for me. I-I can't even call myself Buster after this.
Buster starts climbing the ladder and falls through the window.
SPARKY: Okay, so let's see what we can grab. Diamonds, pearls, rubies, gold watches.
BUSTER: Sparky, Sanna's rich, but she's not an heiress.
SPARKY: Well, I'm just looking for anything that can cover the cost.
Sparky looks into Sanna's dresser drawer for valuables.
SPARKY: Whoa, underwear! Did not need to see that. Hey, wait a minute.
BUSTER: We're not stealing Sanna's underwear!
SPARKY: No, not that. Look at this.
Sparky takes a look at a gold locket on top of Sanna's drawer.
SPARKY: It's Sanna's locket. She must have left this here.
BUSTER: And I think there's some words on it.
SPARKY: "To my dearest, sweetest Sanna. Always be good and strive for nothing but the best. Love, Nana Qureshi." Oh my God. Buster...what are we doing? This is our friend. This stuff probably means a lot to her and we're just taking it. And for what? For a show that probably won't even get cancelled?
BUSTER: So now what?
SPARKY: Well, we're going to have to tell Sanna what we did. And then we're going to go to Ike's this weekend and tell Jack to forget it. What's the point?
BUSTER: I just hope Sanna takes pity on us and doesn't turn us in.
Cut to Sparky and Buster rubbing Sanna's feet.
BUSTER: I think this is fair.
SPARKY: I think so too. And don't worry, Sanna. We're going to pay back everything that broken window costs.
SANNA: Hey, I never said you guys could speak while you're doing this.
SCENE 15
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
Several people are inside of Ike's that weekend for the Cowboy Kyle press conference. Cut to RK and Wade.
RK: I just don't understand why I haven't gotten rid of Mr. Johnson yet.
WADE: Do you have any other plans?
RK: Well, one more, but I don't think it's going to work out. I thought making him seem like a domestic terrorist would have been perfect, but I wasn't able to get any explosives.
Cut to Sparky and Buster talking to Jack.
SPARKY: Look, Jack, we're sorry, but we weren't able to get the four million dollars in time. We know how much this show's legacy means to you, but our obsession took us to places we never thought we would go.
BUSTER: Yeah. You're just going to have to cancel the press conference. We failed you.
JACK: Um, guys, a couple things. One, I don't really give a shit about the quality, I just want to get paid. Two, I already knew you didn't have the money. And three, this press conference was set up weeks ago. Cancelling it now would just be unprofessional.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, you can't just wave a magic wand and pretend everything is okay!
JACK: What are you talking about?
SPARKY: Look, it's been a rough week for all of us. Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
JACK: Alright. Well, I just hope you guys stick around for the speech. It has a little message to it.
Jack walks away from Sparky and Buster to greet the fans.
SPARKY: The nerve of that guy. "It has a little message to it."
BUSTER: Yeah, what does he think this is, a reboot of G.I. Joe? Screw that. Lousy show business people.
Jaylynn walks up to Sparky and Buster.
JAYLYNN: Please tell me you two didn't rob Sanna. Unless you're already on your way to shooting up liquor stores and burning your houses down to collect the insurance money.
BUSTER: I can't burn down my condo. There are other people living in there. Don't think like that.
SPARKY: We didn't rob Sanna. Our conscience got the better of us. But it's not like it matters anyway. Cowboy Kyle is going to come back and all of our memories are going to get stomped on.
JAYLYNN: Why? Because of different writers? Don't you think that's a little ridiculous?
BUSTER: The creator of the show got his shit pushed in at the office. He just wanted a piece of the pie he made and those stupid executives said, "Nope. Sorry." What does that tell you?
JAYLYNN: Okay, I only understood like, ten percent of that, but you guys need to think about this a little differently. Just because the new episodes suck, doesn't mean the old ones are going anywhere. Your memories will always be there because of how they made you feel.
BUSTER: Is this a Full House lesson?
SPARKY: I think so. Cue the music, people, this is not a drill.
JAYLYNN: I'm serious, guys. These people only make TV shows for money and nothing else. If every executive did the right thing, most of the stuff that's on right now wouldn't exist. Besides, it looks like this new show isn't for you.
SPARKY: What are you talking about, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Look around the place, man.
Sparky and Buster look around and see a bunch of kids, several younger than them, being greeted by Jack and getting autographs.
BUSTER: Oh my God. Do these kids even have parents?
SPARKY: Buster, I think I know what Jaylynn's trying to say. When did we start watching Cowboy Kyle?
BUSTER: I don't know. When we were in the first grade?
SPARKY: Yeah. And how old do you think these kids are?
BUSTER: Around the same age when we started watching.
SPARKY: Exactly. I guess at the end of the day, a new generation of kids gets to enjoy Cowboy Kyle. And we can't take that away from them because we don't like it. They deserve to have the same memories we did.
BUSTER: But what if the reboot does end up being garbage?
SPARKY: Well, then we can always talk about it on YouTube but the fact of the matter is, we're not the people they're making Cowboy Kyle for. It's them.
JACK: Good afternoon everybody. My name is Jack Vernon and you may know me better for my lead role on Cowboy Kyle's Frontier Adventures. You know, I never thought about it when I was younger because I always looked at the show as a job. Just something to...pay the bills and put food on the table. But I get tweets and emails every week telling me how great Cowboy Kyle was and how inspiring it was. And now I see that the show lives on in reruns all over the world. I'm honored to be a part of this great thing, to inspire kids for as long as I have and make them laugh. Hopefully, this reboot will inspire millions of more kids out there.
The entire audience claps loudly. Sparky and Buster are crying as they clap.
BUSTER: That was godly.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Mr. Johnson and Mr. Frax are standing near the men's bathroom.
MR. FRAX: What? Oh, come on now!
MR. JOHNSON: What's wrong, Frax?
MR. FRAX: Sharon cancelled on me for the second week in a row. Apparently, one of her friends is organizing a road trip and she couldn't say no. Why do women always ignore our needs?
MR. JOHNSON: I know. It's ridiculous. But here's the thing about women. They're like children. When they start testing their limits, you have to put your foot down or they won't respect you.
MR. FRAX: So how do I put my foot down with Sharon?
MR. JOHNSON: You have to be ruthless and aggressive. You have to yell at them, slap 'em around, spit on them and throw 'em through doors. One time, I told my girl that she was paying for the room service, and she didn't want to. So I had to give her a little wringing. She didn't get that hurt or nothing, but it wasn't easy for her to eat her meals for a week. I tell ya, women are just ridiculous most of the time.
There is an awkward pause as Mr. Frax looks at Mr. Johnson with bewilderment.
MR. FRAX: Yeaaah. Um...I'm just going to go to the teacher's lounge and get some coffee. I'll see you later.
MR. JOHNSON: Sure thing, Frax. But remember what I said. It will save your life one day.
Mr. Frax gives Mr. Johnson one more confused look as he walks away. A disappointed RK walks past Mr. Johnson.
MR. JOHNSON: Hey, look, it's the man with the master plan. What do you have planned today? Going to plant drugs in my car? Frame me for murdering a baby? Or maybe you're going to tell MacGregor I have connections to the mafia.
RK: Nope. I don't have anything, Mr. Johnson. You win. In this battle, I bow down to you. I mean, like you said, unless you molest one of us, you're not getting fired.
MR. JOHNSON: That's right. See, here's what I like to do, metaphorically speaking. I like to f*** people up the ass. I screw them over, I play mental chess. And that's what I'm good at. I f***ed you up the ass, man, and there's nothing you can do about it.
RK: Oh, so metaphorically speaking, right?
MR. JOHNSON: Metaphorically speaking, you got f***ed up the ass. That's all I'm saying.
RK sees Principal MacGregor's shadow through his office door.
RK: Hey, you know, my hearing is a little shot. You think you could repeat that, sir?
MR. JOHNSON: What don't you understand? Mentally, I f***ed your brain up. I f***ed you up the ass. I'll do it to any one of these kids that stand in my way. I'll f*** each and every one of you guys up the ass. YOU WILL ALL GET F***ED BY MR. JOHNSON!
At that point, several kids and Principal MacGregor himself stare down Mr. Johnson.
MR. JOHNSON: I meant, metaphorically speaking.
Cut to Mr. Johnson holding a box with his things leaving the school. RK waves goodbye to him.
RK: Sayonara, son of a bitch!
WADE: Well, RK, you did it. You found a way to get rid of Mr. Johnson.
RK: Yup. He said that he could only get fired if he molested one of us so I outsmarted him. He didn't stand a chance.
WADE: So that was your plan all along?
RK: Of course. Reverse psychology always works out. It's like I dig a hole in your brain and just start getting all your mental treasure. See, because, RK Jennings is like a mastermind. I do what needs to be done because you can't do what I'm able to do, so let's just get this done. Know what I mean?
Beat.
WADE: You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?
RK: Wade, I am a very complex and confusing person.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Five weeks later, TSE is gathered together for the new season of Cowboy Kyle.
SPARKY: Well, Buster, this is where our memories are put to the test.
BUSTER: Yup. After this, nothing will ever be the same again.
JAYLYNN: Guys, whatever happens, this isn't going to erase the old episodes. Who knows? You might like it.
RK: Since when did you become Miss Brightside?
JAYLYNN: Since the day I decided to pop you one in your throat. It was like getting rid of a big sneeze. Jaylala for the win. Wait...oh, shit!
RK: See? I knew you called yourself that.
SPARKY: Guys, it's starting! This is what we've been waiting for.
BUSTER: The air is electric here in Seattle!
The kids all stare at Buster.
BUSTER: What? It adds to the drama.
30 MINUTES LATER...
Everyone remains silent for a couple seconds.
SPARKY: Well, that was...an experience.
BUSTER: Yup. I thought there were some good jokes there.
SPARKY: Yeah, I thought it was funny when Kyle tried to lasso the snake and it jumped on his face.
JAYLYNN: Didn't they already do that bit in season one?
SPARKY: Yeah, but it was like fan service.
WADE: I don't know. Does it really make sense for a show to do something they already did, and act like they didn't do it the first time?
RK: It worked for The Boondocks.
JAYLYNN: And I don't like how much of an asshole the Wise Owl was.
BUSTER: Wasn't he always like that?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it felt weird in this episode. Like he was just being a dick for no reason.
SPARKY: So this episode sucked, didn't it?
BUSTER, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: Yup.
RK: Sucked bowling balls six ways to Sunday.
Beat.
BUSTER: Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah.
BUSTER: I'm starting to think we should have robbed Sanna.
Cut to black.
("Rap Promoter" by A Tribe Called Quest plays in the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS