Children play games of warfare, while adults wait in cold office buildings strung out on no sleep and caffeine. When did pain feel so good to me? It pushes me forward while my memories weigh on my shoulders, pushing me backward into an abyss I created for myself. Funny, I didn't even know it was there until it was almost too late. Almost.
I am the funny one, a comic relief in time of distress. How can my heart hurt so damn much? Realization sets in and I know I am alone.
A man who had once clung to midnight screw-ups, a shadow lurking in his corner whose name was 'commitment'. He worried of the next woman to break his heart so severing any chance to get to know hers was the only option.
He clenches his steering wheel with white knuckles. It's black over his town, barely a star in the sky until he reached the edge of Virginia and Nowhere on a back road. A light in the sky, warm like a century old gas lamp with crystal glass gleaming, spreading the rays across the chilled earth.
The door shuts and he steps onto grassy pasture, the line of trees far off in the distance. In his life there has been heartache too deep and words never heard nor said.
I want love like fire coming down upon me, where tears run dry when I am in a magnificent presence. I need a cure for my broken heart, a healing so powerful no man can claim it.
He's holding down a bitter scream, the air in his lungs need to escape. He is drowning from the inside out. It feels like a thousand proverbial knives are sliding themselves beneath his feet, so he runs. In the center field, he practically loses oxygen and collapses on his knees. Grass falls under his stretched out hands. And all at once the tears and heavy cry escape. His right fist pounds at the ground in a fit of rage.
But like a structure built on toothpicks, he is bound to fall. This life was never promised to be easy, and to be honest, it never was. What is the point of life if each person never knew what loss was like? Would we skate around each other, each a wall for themselves?
Between breaths he asks a question to the vast space around him, there he is in the cold. Why would a good God allow such a thing to happen? And, is He even there?
The panting stops and he squeezes his eyes shut one more time until a contrasting warmth comes down on his head and flows over his back. Warmth like a blanket but a presence powerful enough to move the earth into a quake. His eyes are opened and he looks around to see no one near, but there is something beside him.
A gust of wind blows his jacket back, his hair sweeps across his temple. He lifts his head to the quiet nightfall above him. Sinking into peace, he rises from the ground, patting away the dirt and grass off his knees.
He doesn't know where to go, but he will find a way to get to a crossroads. He's giving it all to keep the doubt crumpled up in his abdomen, pledging to leave it there to rot away. She feels less than a distant memory and more like another universe to his own. A moment passes and like a great force presses fast forward, his phone beeps with a message. He needs to get back to a place he has known for so long: the cold office with orange walls and people strung out on no-sleep-coffee-calls.
He gets back to his seat, buckles his belt, and turns the key to ignition. Over the sound of the engine, in the rear view mirror where the dark field is lit up by the red light of the parking brake lights, he sees the dancing woman who once breathed against his chest, her delicate hands in his. A comforter when she needed one, a partner when she wanted.
When he arrives to the destination he will find his crossroads. This will be the beginning of both of their lives. A new story to create and he will find happiness, an answer to a long-time prayer.