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Chapter 5

Lily woke up with a ringing between her ears and the sound of rain outside her bedroom window. The sky was cloudy and the whole world was set in a twilight atmosphere. She lay dazed in her bed, covered in a blanket, although she couldn't remember covering herself up before she passed out. The events of the night before were still bright in her mind, as if the memories were just waiting for her to wake up to come bother her again.

She lay in bed for a long time, convinced it was too early to get up. But when she finally looked at the clock she realized she was late for breakfast. She got ready quickly, rinsed her face thoroughly to erase any shred of redness and tears, and hurried to the dining room.

Everyone were still sitted when she came in and apologized for being late. Mrs. Chambers didn't scold her for not getting up in time, and in an uncharacteristic gesture filled her plate with food. Potter and his friends were also there, strangely silent, as if the rain clouds had choked them. Remus, who looked particularly sick, smiled encouragingly at her from across the table. She tried to tell herself that it was a friendly gesture and that she shouldn't be offended that everyone at the table knew what had happened last night, and yet no one uttered a word.

She spent all day scrubbing the wood floors all over the house, even though Mrs. Chambers hadn't asked her to. She pushed aside couches and tables on her own until the edges of her hair stuck to her skin with sweat, chased away demented doxys who had managed to find shelter in the old tapestries, and shaken the inhabitants of the tranquil oil paintings to clean dust and cobwebs from their frames. She didn't even notice it was midday until Madeline came to ask her gently to take a break and join everyone in the dining room. Lily claimed she wasn't hungry and went on working; She didn't want everyone to see her when she couldn't control her feelings.

At dinner time Mrs. Chambers came herself to the attic, which Lily had thoroughly cleaned for hours in the dying light, and demanded that she should eat. By then Lily was so exhausted from work and thoughts that she hadn't argued. To her relief only she, Madeline, and Mrs. Chambers were having dinner in the dinning room that evening; Maxwell decided to give up supper and spend the rainy evening in his cabin, and the boys preferred to eat sandwiches upstairs rather than go down to the dining room. The house, which was cleaner than it had ever been since the Potter's days of glory, was now dark and quiet.

After dinner Lily went straight to her room. She expected to fall asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow, but the painful thoughts still didn't let go of her. Outside the rain had stopped, just as the steady dripping sound might have helped her fall asleep.

She tried to read by the light of the bedside lamp, until she realized she was reading the same page over and over, without really understanding anything. Finally she gave up and slammed the covers, turning to stare at the ceiling. Even the blank white plasterer couldn't block the memory of Severus's sullen expression the night before. The sound of his voice as he cursed her continued to shudder her bones and mind. Did the Marauders, who were probably sitting together and laughing in Potter's room right now, know that friendship could turn into something so ugly?

Finally she got out of bed and put on her shoes. She didn't know what time it was, but she just couldn't lie still anymore. Work and study were the tools with which she usually distracted herself from issues that troubled her, but since these didn't seem to help anymore, she longed to leave the house and let the cold air comfort her.

She put on a coat over her nightgown, wore a hat against the wind and left the sleepy house through the kitchen door, right into the freshness of the post- rain summer night.

She lit the end of her wand and walked down the black path. The world around the estate seemed very different at night; The vast sky was dotted with dozens of thousands of bright stars winking through the clouds, and under them the marshes and the woods looked as if they stretched on forever like endless blankets in shades of black and grey. The song of night birds and crickets filled this mysterious world, and in the background it seemed to Lily that she could even hear the whisper of the ocean on the wind. The secret world that was suddenly reveled before her lit her imagination in a thousand colors. She felt like a child walking in it, as if she were the first person to set foot in an undiscovered land.

She pushed the wet wooden gate and walked out of the grounds. Feeling suddenly hopeful she turned her back on the house, which watched the night with a single bright eye, and began to walk the other way on the road that led opposite of town, in a direction she had never gone. The path stretched to the side of the woods, turning left as the trees retreated and led the walker on the edge of a narrow valley where a silver stream ran, and on the other side huge ancient oak trees swayed in the salty wind. The full moon appeared and disappeared behind the clouds.

Lily followed the path, which she realized would eventually lead to the ocean. She walked slowly, until she got tired and felt calmer. She thought about turning around, but a black, swaying shape along the path intrigued her.

She went on walking, and the dark rays of the moon revealed the shape of an ancient building. Fascinated, she approached it lightly. A cracked wall appeared from the trees, about three meters high. She raised her wand to shed light on the stones as she walked along it, running her fingers over the coarse bricks that weed grew between them. Soon she reached a wide gap in the wall. She picked up the hem of her nightdress and walked over a pile of broken stones to what had once been a fort's courtyard, to which the forest had invaded.

It seemed that the outer wall was the most preserved part of the entire building; The fortress itself was no more than broken walls and exposed stone pillars which cast vivid shadows in the moonlight. Lily's footsteps echoed across the courtyard's cracked cobblestones, evoking visions of the people who once lived there, and of what had happened to them.

She came up to a ruined staircase and raised her wand again, this time to see the statues that stood on either side of the remains of a rotting wooden door; These were Gothic images of a man and a woman, who were staring out into the night with stony eyes. From the parts of their clothing that had survived, Lily guessed they were a wizard and a witch.

Between the faithful guards, above the door, was the crest of an ancient house, now cracked crumbling. Lily climbed carefully on the ruins of the stairs to see the sergeant; The moon appeared just in time and illuminated the shape of a stag surrounded by water lilies, and a sword and a wand crossed over its antlers.

Lily tried to engrave the sergeant in her memory. It was so impressive, and at the same time gentle. Not only a symbol of power, but also a work of art. The beast seemed so lonely, surrounded by lilies that enveloped him but couldn't touch him.

A low growl drew Lily from the depths of her imagination. Startled, she turned the light in the direction of the sound. For a moment she thought she had imagined in – she could see nothing among the bushes and trees. But then the growl was heard again and a pair of glowing eyes appeared in the dark.

Lily let out a cry of panic and tried to back away, only to stumble over the broken step and drop her wand. She was half way up in an attempt to run when the creature exposed itself, slipping from darkness into the moonlight with the easiness of a predator. Lily froze completely. At first she thought it was a wolf, but from her place on the ground she realized it was something much worse. The particularly large front body, the arched hairy back, the sinisterly intelligent look in the monster's eyes... She'd studied about it in Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was a werewolf.

Her whole body trembled. She struggled to lie still in a desperate attempt to make it lose interest. But as it continued to approach her in a measured step, it's hungry eyes fixed on her flesh, her sweating hand began to yearn for her wand, which was thrown out of her grasp. In desperate fear she began to crawl backward. It was a mistake. The werewolf growled and approached faster, preparing to leap –

Lily raised her arms in terror as the sound of hoofs rang in her ear. She opened her eyes, wide with fear and confusion. In the moonlight a silvery- white stag stood between her and the hungry beast. The monster roared furiously at the intruder. Lily crawled back in horror. She had expected the stag, who must have stumbled there by accident, to escape immediately – she planned to grab her wand and try to escape while the werewolf was distracted.

But it didn't run away. Without making a sound it stood up on it's hind legs, like the stag in the crest, looming over the werewolf threateningly. The werewolf retreated one step and snarled with menace. The stag stamped his hoof and shook his enormous antlers in reply. For some reason the predator's bare teeth didn't frighten it. It stepped forward with a light but sure step, shaking it's noble head as if to case the werewolf away. The werewolf ducked it's tail between it's legs and ran into the tree line.

Lily grabbed her wand and stood up, though her legs were trembling violently. Her whole body was shaking. She was almost attacked by a werewolf, God only knows what would have happened to her if that stag hadn't appeared out of nowhere...

The creature turned and looked at her, as if aware of what was happening. She expected him to run away, but he remained where he was, not even retreating, even as Lily walked up to it in a measured step. She reached out her trembling hand and touched it's muzzle. The stag gave a grunt of satisfaction. She almost laughed, stroking it's short fur with increasing confidence.

A stag, just like in the crest. How strange. It didn't behave like a stag, either, but much more like a human. It's eyes were hazel brown, full of insight.

The werewolf howled from the depths of the woods. The stag made a swinging motion with his head, as if trying to tell her something, and galloped into the darkness.

The following morning Lily was convinced she had been saved by an angel. She grew up on such stories, about celestial beings who could obtain any form to carry out the will of God, to protect and help the people he favored... But it was a long time since she was naive enough to believe that they truly existed.

She awoke after her brief sleep as though she had been reborn. Severus' painful visit seemed distant and meaningless. She could have been killed that night if it hadn't been for the white stag.

She tried to remember what she had learned in Care of Magical Creatures class. She knew that there were cats and birds trained by wizards to be especially intelligent, but she had never heard of stag who wouldn't flee as soon as it could smell a wolf. It only strengthened her belief that it wasn't an ordinary animal, but someone sent to protect her. It gave her a sense of meaning she hadn't felt in a long time.

In stark contrast to the morning before, she arrived at breakfast in a good mood and greeted everyone good morning. Even the ever energetic Mrs. Chambers seemed pale and tired compered to Lily.

They were already eating when Potter and Black came into the dining room. They said Pettigrew and Remus were tired after the four of them stayed up all night, and Black, his hair tousled and his eyes uncharacteristically sunken, seemed willing to do everything to join them in Dreamland.

Potter, on the other hand, was pale and withdrawn but quite alert. When he greeted all his staff Lily looked up to reply politely and their eyes crossed. She didn't look away at once, as she usually did; In the bright morning light his brown eyes looked almost green. She had never noticed that there was green in his eyes before. She felt a strange sense of closeness, as though she had dreamed of Potter at night but couldn't remember the dream. Was that the meaning of the strange sensation that passed through her like a ghost?

The house was so clean after Lily's scrubbing the day before that Mrs. Chambers gave her the morning off. She decided to spend it in the library in search of information on magical stags. She wandered around the shelves in a drift, humming a hymn that her mother used to sing.

Black went back to sleep right after breakfast, but Potter didn't join him; He settled in his favorite place on the big couch in front of the fireplace in the library with a history book. Lily stacked in her arms with all the books she could find about magical creatures and settled in a nearby armchair. Potter peered over the edge of his book as she placed the heavy pile on a round side table, taking the first book diligently. She looked at him just before she opened it. He went back to the book, but his eyes didn't move from side to side.

After a few minutes of browsing through a book about mythical creatures Lily looked up again, feeling he was looking at her. He avoided her gaze and turned back to his book about "The Darkest and Most Dangerous Wizards of All Time".

"Can I ask you a question?" She broke the silence.

"Sure," he answered almost too quickly, not raising his eyes from the book.

"I took a walk outside the grounds last night and found some ruins," she said. "It looked like a fortress of some kind. You know who used to live there?"

"It belonged to an ancient wizarding family, the Peverells," Potter told her, still not raising his gaze. "Their line has been cut off a long time ago. The Potters are their closest descendants alive today. That means me."

With these word he looked up and stared at Lily with uncharacteristic seriousness. Again his eyes reminded her a forgotten dream, and it bothered her. "You shouldn't leave the estate at night, this area could be dangerous."

"It's not," Lily said.

"It's not what?"

"It's not dangerous," she said, putting the book aside resolutely. "It's not supposed to be, at least. I did research about this area before I started working here at the Hogwarts Library. These marshes and woods aren't supposed to have anything scarier than Bowtruckles. But last night I ran into a werewolf."

Potter made a strange face, a combination of surprise and confusion that seemed a bit too theatrical. Lily was beginning to get the sense that he was hiding something.

"Are you alright?" He asked, setting the book aside as if to get up and approach her. He seemed to regret it a second later, staying on the edge of his seat. "What happened?"

"I'm fine," Lily replied, "A white stag appeared out of nowhere and scared it away."

Potter's eyebrows rose to his forehead. "That's odd."

"It is." Lily watched his movements with growing suspicion. "Like in the crest above the entrance to the fortress."

"Yes," Potter said, looking full of strange relief at the change the subject.

"So what's the Potter family's crest?" Lily inquired calmly.

"A stag's head," Potter replied, adjusting his tone to hers. He rubbed his neck and stood up. "I'd better go wake up the others..."

"Can I ask you something else?" She stopped him before he could leave the library.

"Always," he replied with his characteristic smile, which wasn't entirely calm now.

"What did Severus mean when he said you wouldn't want him to 'start talking'?"

This time Potter was surprised and couldn't hide his embarrassment. He ran his hand through his hair and ruffled it. It was a typical gesture for him at school. At that moment Lily realized that it wasn't a vain gesture – It was something he did when he felt embarrassed or insecure.

He put his hands in his pockets and examined a loose thread in the carpet with the end of his shoe. Lily didn't press him, and yet she didn't look away from him as she waited for an answer.

"I didn't think you'd remember that after what happened," he admitted after a few moments.

"I have a strong memory," Lily replied briefly.

Potter looked as if he thought his life would have been much easier if that hadn't been the case.

Finally, he said with extraordinary sincerity, "Snape discovered something about me last year. A secret. he takes every opportunity to threaten that he'll expose me."

"What did you do?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Potter said with the same sincerity that she didn't know he was capable of, looking at her imploringly. "It's not even my secret, I'm protecting it for someone else. If Snape decides to tell he can ruin this person's life."

Lily leaned back in the armchair, wondering whether she should believe him. If he had told her something a year and a few months ago she would have said it was impossible, because Severus would never hurt anyone else to get revenge on Potter. But today she wasn't so sure.

She suddenly remembered the words he said to her the night before, through the door of her bedroom door, moments before she fell asleep. She remembered his apology. He had never apologized to her for anything he had done before. Maybe he really had changed?

She preferred not to believe it, though. She was sick of turning the other cheek and getting hurt again and again. She thought Severus had changed, but he only used that to hurt her more. And the truth was that Severus and Potter weren't so different at all.

"So what prevents him from revealing the secret to everyone?" She inquired after a few moment's thought. "Why hasn't he done it so far? He has a hundred reasons to want to get back at you."

"Because I saved his life," Potter replied simply. No smiles, no masks, no strings attached. Just the truth. Lily nodded understandingly, releasing him from the interrogation. Potter gave a little smile and left.

His story made sense. She knew that in wizard's society a debt created when a wizard saved another wizard's life, a debt of blood, was a serious matter. And Severus, who only ever wanted to be a great wizard and forget his Muggle roots, couldn't ignore it.

Now she had more questions than answers. She decided to take a walk around the marshes to think, abandoning the pile of books and leaving the library. On the stairs leading to the hall she nearly knocked down Pettigrew, who was running up the stairs with a plate of chocolate cookies in one hand and a bundle of bandages in the other. He apologized in a stutter and walked around her, looking very nervous as he walked quickly towards the main chambers. All the dots began to connect to Lily's mind, but she didn't want to believe the picture she was seeing.