Chapter 14

They didn't speak until James was convinced they were far enough from Dolohov's house and that no one was following them, and even then he didn't look at Lily's face when he asked her to hold his arm.

"James – "

"We'll talk when we're safe," he interrupted. His cold tone of voice extinguished every trace of need to apologize she had, and she took his arm angrily.

They appeared outside the Potter family home. James opened the gate and motioned her into the protected area. Lily strode past him angrily, walking toward the house without waiting for him.

"Let me get it straight –" he called after her in a hard voice, "You are mad at me?"

"Yes, I'm mad at you," Lily replied, turning toward him. He looked furious – even more than he had been when he discovered that she and his friends had eavesdropped on his conversation with Dumbledore – but his rage didn't come close to the terrible fire inside her. The worry and the fear were replaced by the need to shout at him until her voice faded, to make him realize how angry and hurt she was that had lied to her.

"You have no right," he said, beginning to raise his voice. He snatched the Invisibility Cloak from her arms. "I can't believe you're conspiring with my friends against me!"

"No one is conspiring against you!" Lily burst out, stunned that he thought that. "They just tried to protect you, and so did I!" A knot of terrible pain tightened in her chest. She wanted to burst into tears, but she stopped herself by sheer will – she wasn't going to let him see her cry now. "What would have happened if I hadn't been there!? James, he was going to kill you!"

James was silent. He stared at her face, which grew warmer by the minute, with rage and shame. A tear tried to evade her eye but she stopped it uncompromisingly.

"You saved my life," he admitted at last, continuing to look at her in the way that had always embarrassed her, and now was irritating. Then he looked away and became resentful again. "You should've talked to me before, I wouldn't have lied to you if you asked – "

"Don't make this my fault!" Lily's anger didn't fade. "If you really wanted to tell the truth, you would've done it last night! why did you lie?"

James had no answer. After facing her for a long time without speaking, he walked around her and went alone to the house. Lily watched him with growing fury, until finally she broke down and burst into silent tears. She did something wrong, there was no denying it. And it hurt. But not like it hurt her to see him walking away.

For almost an hour after they returned the shouting didn't stop. Mrs. Chambers, who, as promised, hadn't suspected for a moment that Lily hadn't been home all morning, sent her to find out what all the noise was.

Lily obeyed, though she knew exactly why they were shouting. She went to the main wing, where the shouts came from James' room. She leaned against the wall a few paces from the door, listening to the stormy quarrel with an aching heart. Hearing James yell hurt her, even though she kept telling herself that what happened wasn't her fault. She couldn't understand why it hurt her so much – not long ago she was the one who had screaming matches against him.

She jumped in panic as the door slammed open. Black burst out, passing her in the direction of the stairs without seeing her, blind with anger, holding a bag in his hand. After a few seconds Remus and Pettigrew followed him quietly, closing the door carefully behind them.

"You're leaving?" Lily couldn't believe her eyes when she saw they were carrying their bags too.

"He needs some time to calm down," Remus said. He seemed much calmer than Black, and yet he lacked his characteristic calm. Even he was angry at James, even if the tried to hide it. Pettigrew, on the other hand, looked like her didn't want to leave at all, looking back at the door hopefully.

"I'm sorry I have nowhere to go," Lily admitted, knowing she couldn't leave her job even if she had a home to go back to.

"No, you should stay. He's going to need you."

Lily shook her head, hugging herself. "He's angry with me."

"If that's what you think you never saw him really angry," Remus said with a bit of bitterness, gesturing to the room that a moment ago echoed with shouta and now was silent. "Give him until tonight. You'll see."

She took Remus' advice and waited patiently. She didn't see James for the rest of the day, which seemed horribly long. The house was frighteningly quiet without the happy presence of the Marauders.

James didn't show up for lunch or dinner. Mrs. Chambers reported that he was sick, and she too seemed troubled by his behavior. After dinner Lily went to sit in the library, their regular meeting place, and tried to keep herself busy by reading. But it was all too quiet, and she looked back at the door every few minutes, until it there was no use trying to read. She stared into the fire, adjusted the shelves, and looked at the moonlit countryside through the window. Nothing could calm her down, or make her stop thinking about the day's events. About how things could have happened differently, for better or for worse.

Nearing eleven o'clock she gave up waiting and went to her room sadly, losing the hope that James would appear. But when she came into her room and found him sitting on the windowsill in the dark she knew at once that she shouldn't have doubted it.

She moved cautiously, as if afraid he would jump out if she'll make a sharp move, and switched on the table lamp. He didn't look at her, as if the darkness outside the window was particularly fascinating.

She stood behind the back of the chair and wondered what to say. She thought of asking him how he got in there, but it was a stupid question, it was his house. So she thought to say she was sorry, but she wasn't ready to say it yet, because she really didn't think she should be sorry when all she wanted to do was to protect him.

Finally he was the one who spoke, "If you hadn't been there today I'd probably be dead now. So thank you for being there."

Remus was right, he wasn't angry at her. He simply couldn't express what he really wanted to tell her, and it made him distant and withdrawn.

His honesty and vulnerability caused her to break into tears. She no longer tried to stop them. Then she expressed the terrible fear that had dominated her since the night before, "I have no one except you now... I'm so scared of losing you..."

Her tears broke his resistance, or maybe it was her statement. In any case, she had never been so vulnerable before him – she never allowed herself to show anyone such vulnerability. He got up from the windowsill and pulled her gently to an embrace.

Lily clung to him tightly, burying her face in his chest and straining to listen to the beat of his heart, to make sure it was still there, strong and steady. He too was holding her as if a gust of wind might come and sweep her out of his arms at any moment. They never hugged each other like that, not only with affection, but an abysmal need to hold each other and not let anything separate them.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you the truth," he said in a hushed voice over her head.

"You don't regret having gone there," Lily said in a choked voice, "You wouldn't have done it if you hadn't been sure that's what you had to do."

"I was sure. I knew that if I went there Dolohov would be looking for me, but I didn't care. But if he saw you there... He would be looking for you too..." His voice trailed off. "I should have killed him."

Lily shuddered, raising her head and making eye contact for the first time that evening. In his eyes she saw that he meant it completely. That look in the eyes that she loved so much frightened her. And the fact that he'd do it for her made it even more terrible.

"No, don't you even think about that," she said pleadingly, trembling. "You did the right thing – "

"I know," he interrupted in a desperate voice, backing away. "I know that if I killed him I wouldn't be any better than Voldemort... But I sat all day thinking what was going to happen now, and all I could think about was that I'd get up one morning and find you in this bed – " His voice broke. He bowed his head, hiding his face. It frightened her, even more than the things he said. "It could just happen, without any warning... I did so many stupid and dangerous things at school, terrible things could've happened to me in Hogwarts, and they never knew... But they didn't do anything, they were just sleeping in their bed, and someone decided that they needed to die..."

Only when he took off his glasses and covered his face with his hand did Lily realize that he was crying. The sight broke her heart into thousands of pieces. She hugged him with all her might. She was crying too – crying for James' parents, who were good and wise people who loved their son, and didn't deserve to die so horribly.

They held each other for a very long time. Mute tears continued to roll uncontrollably down her cheek, even though James was no longer crying; he was standing still, his head resting on hers.

"I'm sorry for what happened to them," she said at last, after she concluded that she never said that to him, even when he returned to Hogwarts after their funeral.

"Me too," he replied in a barely audible voice, "They would've liked you."

Lily smiled at his shoulder, beginning to caress his back. He seemed to relax, and it made her happy. She appreciated that he trusted her enough to be so vulnerable around her, but she didn't want to see him like that ever again. James had a lovely smile – he should have to smile all the time.

"Everything will be all right," he said at last. "We'll get through it."

"We will," Lily encouraged him. "We're safe here."

"That's right," he agreed with her, regaining his strength and slowly returning to himself. He disengaged from the embrace, leaving his hands on her hips, and looked at her face without fear.

Lily smiled at him, happy that they had made up. It wasn't all perfect – there were still some unresolved matters about what had happened that day – but she believed that now they could go through anything together.

"I want to show you something," James said suddenly, going to the windowsill and jumping out lightly. Lily climbed after him without asking questions, letting him help her down into the damp grass outside.

"Don't move," he said as he took a few steps back. She obeyed, happy to see the mischievous grin returning to his face.

The moon disappeared behind the clouds, leaving the world in total darkness. For a moment James disappeared into the shade of a tree, and something strange happened in the darkness. Lily narrowed her eyes to try to and understand what was going on. Then the moon reappeared, and she was startled when instead of James stood a silvery-white stag.

Lily covered her mouth to stop a gasp of astonishment. It was the stag that saved her from the werewolf, she had no doubt about it. He was so peaceful, so unique. Now it was clear why he hadn't been afraid of the wolf at all.

He approached her confidently, bending his head to look at her. His eye's gave her the same strange feeling of deja vu; James' eyes were looking at her from the animal's face.

She reached out and stroked his muzzle apprehensively, then more confidently, amazed by the power of the spell. The stag muttered contentedly and Lily chuckled. She picked a tiny green apple from a nearby tree and handed it to him. He took it in his mouth and immediately changed back to James, who was now standing with the apple in his mouth. Lily burst out laughing.

James tossed the apple aside, appearing particularly pleased with her reaction. "That's it. Now you know all my secrets."

" I can't believe it." Lily still couldn't fully internalize what had happened. It was James who saved her from Remus on the night of the full moon, which was why he had behaved strangely when she told him about it – not because he knew Remus was the wolf, but because he knew exactly what had happened to her. He was there. He was watching over her.

A million questions flooded her head. "You're an Animagus? But Professor McGonagall... How come you're not her favorite student?"

James ran his hand through his hair. "The truth is she doesn't know. Nobody knows. We're not registered."

Lily was shocked. "That illegal! I'm not talking about the Hogwarts rules, the real law!"

"We know, that's why we keep it a secret," James said calmly. "We did it when we were fifteen, so obviously we couldn't register, we were minors."

"We?" Lily realized that he was speaking in plural. "Don't tell me that..." But she didn't have to complete the sentence. These four did everything together, especially when it came to forbidden and dangerous things.

Another understanding settled in her. "That's the meaning of the names?"

James nodded contentedly. "I'm Prongs because I'm a stag, Sirius is a dog, Padfoot. Peter is a rat, and his tail looks a bit like a worm, we called him Wormtail. It was supposed to be a temporary name until we found something better, but it stuck – "

Lily surprised even herself when she cut him off with a kiss. He didn't object. During that terrible day she didn't even realize how much she missed him.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" He asked when they broke apart, looking happy.

"For trusting me with your secret," she replied softly. She know how easy it could be to report them and get them into serious trouble, and James knew it too. Yet he didn't keep it from her. "Weren't you scared I'd freak out?"

"A little," he admitted with a grin, "A few months ago I certainly wouldn't have told you... But now I know you can keep a secret. Besides, you love me too much to let them send me to Azkaban."

Lily rolled her eyes. He was completely right.

he took her hands in his. "Let's make a deal, no secrets from now on." Lily agreed without hesitation. "Now, is there a secret you would like to share with me?"

Lily pondered the question. "In third year I had a crush on Todd McCraft from Hufflepuff."

James grimaced. "That's just embarrassing."

She tried to make an insulted face but failed because he picked her up and swung her around until she could do nothing but laugh.