Chapter 6: Snowstorms
Emma found the side effects from chemo treatment number two both better and worse than those from the first treatment.
The extra anti-nausea medication that Dr. Eldridge prescribed made a world of difference and, although Emma was in no way up to leaving her apartment the Saturday and Sunday following her treatment, she also wasn't one sudden movement away from being head first in the toilet, and the nausea only lasted the first five days instead of the first ten, so it was definitely a win.
The part that was worse came from the addition of the Neulasta shot. Getting the needle itself hadn't been so horrible - although Emma was at least mildly dreading having to give it to herself the next time - but the unexpected side effects had been. Belle had warned her about the possible bone pain but that hadn't really prepared her for the aching that had settled into her shins and forearms and her sternum and all the other bones she otherwise forgot existed by Friday evening. Building an army of white blood cells for her defense was apparently hard work. It was as if her bones were trying to claw their way out of her body and the only thing that even sort of helped with the aching was soaking in a tub full of warm water. It was a relief when that particular side effect finally faded away.
Now it was chemo treatment Wednesday again, and as she stood outside her apartment building waiting for Regina to pick her up, she couldn't help but recall the bone pain and hope it was worth it. She hoped that when they checked her blood today, her white cell count would be high enough to allow her to get chemo. And if it wasn't she was going to be pretty angry.
She rocked on the balls of her feet, reaching up to adjust the hat on her head, that same one that Regina had picked out, as she spotted the Mercedes rounding the corner. She watched as the vehicle pulled up to curb in front of her and she rocked back onto the heels of her feet one last time, reaching forward and yanking the door of the car open.
"Hi," she smiled as she climbed into the car, dropping her shoulder bag and the currently empty needle cooler bag onto the floor and reaching for the seat belt.
"Hi," Regina returned the smile with one of her own before her face turned more serious, an eyebrow quirked in Emma's direction, "It's awfully cold to be waiting outside, isn't it? You could have waited inside. I would have called you."
Emma just shrugged.
Regina shrugged too before turning her attention to the road and pulling away from the curb.
Emma's knee bounced up and down, suddenly feeling awkward, although she wasn't really sure why. "Did you have a good two weeks?"
"Yes," Regina confirmed with a nod of her head, "It's the time of year we finalize the budget for next year, so it was a quite eventful few weeks. Negotiating with councilors is always...interesting."
Emma wasn't really sure what budget negotiations entailed but she had a feeling that Regina was probably good at them. "Fun," she smirked.
"Indeed," Regina smirked too, looking over at Emma quickly before her eyes were back on the road, "How about yourself?"
Emma shrugged, her knee still bouncing up and down, "Can't complain." It was a lie. She could complain very easily about a number of things. It wasn't that she couldn't complain, just that she wouldn't. Not to Regina and not to anyone else either.
Although, based on the disbelieving look Regina shot her, it seemed Emma probably wasn't fooling her anyway.
xxxxxx
They parked in the over priced parking garage across from the cancer centre, Emma trying to snatch the ticket they would use to pay on the way out from Regina and Regina refusing to hand it over, fixing Emma with a look filled with fierce determination that had Emma conceding. She'd buy Regina lunch or something instead, she decided.
As they waited for the light to change so that they could cross the street, Emma shivered. The warm hat helped but with considerably less hair on her head, among other reasons, she seemed to always be cold. A snowflake landed on the tip of her nose and she looked up. Several large flakes of snow were descending from the sky. Huh, she thought, holding her palm face up to catch some of the flakes "It's snowing," she said. It was late December, less than a week before Christmas, and this was the first snow they'd had. There was something about the thought that there might be snow for Christmas that made Emma happy - even if she didn't particularly like Christmas.
Regina looked over at her and then up at the sky. "It would seem so," her lips pursed, her gaze remaining on the sky until the light changed and they were crossing the road.
xxxxxx
Emma hesitated once they'd walked through the front door, pausing at the antiseptic dispenser to pump some of the foam into the palm of her hand, rubbing it in carefully. "So...uhh…" she eyed Regina, "Where do they have you volunteering today?"
Regina looked over at Emma, "I'm not sure yet. I'll find out when I check in. My volunteer slot doesn't start until 10:30."
"Oh," Emma's eyes widened. It was only 9:25. Her lab appointment was at 9:30, followed by an appointment with her oncologist, followed by her chemo time slot at 12:15, which really meant she would be getting chemo at about 1:00 or maybe even 2:00 since they were always running behind everywhere in this building. It hadn't really occurred to her that her patient schedule wouldn't match up with Regina's volunteer schedule. "You should have said something. I could have taken the bus here."
"Don't be ridiculous," Regina shook her head, "I'm going to go down to the cafeteria to get a coffee and I'll spend an hour reading a book. It's hardly an imposition."
"I…" Emma hesitated, rocking on the balls of her feet.
"Honestly," Regina insisted, the look she gave Emma firm and insistent.
Emma lifted her hand up, wanting to run it through her hair out of nervous habit, and then awkwardly dropping it back to her side when she realized that was no longer an option, not with a hat on her head. "Okay," she conceded with a soft sigh.
Regina smiled knowingly at her, "You're not great at accepting help are you?" The words were soft with a teasing lilt to them.
Emma blushed, rushing out an apology, "It's not that I'm not grateful for you driving me here. I am. I really am. I just...I don't want to be..."
Regina held her hand up to stop Emma's rambling, her words still soft, "Hey, stop. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't think you were being ungrateful."
Emma shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans and mumbled, "Sorry."
"Don't be," Regina shook her head, offering Emma a smile, albeit much more uncertain than her previous one, as if she was worried she had messed something up.
Emma returned Regina's smile with a soft one of her.
Regina seemed to relax at Emma's smile and she glanced down at her watch, "You're going to be late for the lab."
Emma didn't wear a watch but she took Regina's word for it. "Oh right," she nodded, rocking on the balls of her feet, "I guess...see you later."
Regina smiled, brighter than before, seeming almost amused by Emma now, "Yes, I'll see you later."
xxxxxxx
The lab was packed, as usual, but was a rather uneventful part of Emma's day.
A little over two hours later, Emma sat on an exam table in one of the exam rooms in the Hematology Clinic. Belle had already been in to inform her that her blood counts were great, significantly higher than after her previous treatment, which thankfully meant that the growth factor shot was doing its job and she could get chemo today. Now Dr. Eldridge was examining her, feeling the lymph nodes in her neck and then the ones under her arms. Emma sat still through the exam, focusing on not fidgeting.
"You're lymph nodes are shrinking," Dr. Eldridge told her, as he had her lean back so that he could palpate her abdomen, "I can't even feel the ones under your arms anymore."
"Really?" Emma asked as the oncologist finished his exam and she sat back up, gnawing on her lower lip, hopeful and hesitant at the same time.
"Yes," Dr. Eldridge smiled at her.
"That's...good, right?" Emma asked carefully.
Dr. Eldridge smiled just a little wider, "Yes." He moved over to the counter to scribble out new appointment requisitions for the following treatment as well as a prescription for this treatment's Neulasta shot, explaining more seriously, "We'll be doing scans after your next treatment, so we'll get a better picture of exactly how well the chemo is working at that time but it's always a good sign when we can visibly see things shrinking."
Emma nodded, gnawing on her lip at the sudden flood of nerves she felt at the reminder of the upcoming scans.
Dr. Eldridge handed over the papers, "Belle already gave you your appointment time to see Dr. West, right?"
Emma took the papers from the doctor and nodded, "Yes." She'd already put the appointment with the radiation oncologist, which was scheduled for next Wednesday, into the calendar on her phone.
"Alright then," Dr. Eldridge smiled at her once more, "You're all set. You can head off to the chemo suite."
xxxxxx
Emma dropped the Neulasta prescription off at the cancer centre's pharmacy and headed to check in for chemo. As she waited in line she did a sweep of the as-crowded-as-ever waiting room, her eyes settling on Regina, who was standing behind the hat table chatting with an elderly lady standing beside her.
As if sensing eyes on her, Regina looked up, her eyes locking with Emma's and her lips twitching into a smile.
Emma raised a hand, offering Regina a sort of half wave and a returned smile, before it was her turn at the front desk and she was forced to look away.
Once her hospital bracelet was fastened in place and the little red laminated card with the number 42 was in her hands, she headed over to the table. Both Regina and the lady who she didn't know looked up at her. "Hey," she smiled, rocking on the balls of her feet.
"Hi," Regina returned, her eyes lingering a moment on the tube dangling from Emma's chest, before she looked back up to meet her eyes, "How has your morning gone?"
Emma bit her lip and resisted the urge to reach up and tuck the tube connected to her port down the front of her shirt. She shrugged, "Smooth enough. How 'bout you? Did you get to enjoy your book?"
"Yes," Regina nodded, her eyes darting over to the woman beside her, "Have you met Barbara before?" She asked, her eyes turning back to Emma.
"No," Emma shook her head, looking over at Barbara, "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Emma."
"Hello dear," Barbara smiled kindly, "I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances but it's a pleasure to meet you nonetheless."
Emma couldn't help but chuckle, "They taught you the company line, huh?"
Barbara chuckled too, "Once you've volunteered for a decade, you pick up a thing or two."
Regina eyed them both as if she didn't quite get the joke but didn't say anything.
Emma rocked on the balls of her feet again, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and shoving her hands into her pockets, eyeing Regina, "So...I was going to grab lunch since it will probably be forever before they're ready for me. Did you want anything?"
"I'm alright," Regina shook her head, "Thanks for offering though."
"Sure," Emma shrugged and then turned and left.
xxxxxx
"So," Barbara quirked an eyebrow at Regina once Emma was gone, "that was the girl who is not your friend."
Regina couldn't stop the blush that crept up her neck. "Yes," she swallowed, "Well. Perhaps we are nearer to being friends now."
Barbara looked beyond amused at the response. "Yes, perhaps," her eyes twinkled knowingly.
xxxxxx
Emma had a sandwich in the cafeteria, procrastinating as long as possible before she headed back up to chemo suite.
She waved to Regina as she passed by but Regina was engaged in a conversation with another patient, so this time she didn't stop, instead shuffling to a vacant seat along the window wall. She plopped down into a chair and pulled out her anti nausea medication, swallowing the fistful of pills in one gulp, before her gaze drifted out the window.
She was surprised to find that it was still snowing. The world one floor down now blanketed in white.
xxxxxxx
Regina watched Emma out of the corner of her eye. Emma seemed to oscillate between staring out the window and staring at her phone and Regina couldn't help but think that she looked lonely. She wanted to go talk to her but every time she got ready to head over to Emma, someone new was standing at the hat table - sometimes wanting a hat, although mostly wanting to chat, or needing directions somewhere.
By the time there finally seemed to be a lull, it was too late, one of the chemo nurses was calling the number 42 and Emma was standing and heading in for treatment. All Regina could do was wave at her as she passed by.
xxxxxx
"Why don't you bring the cookie tin into the chemo suite? See if anyone wants one," Barbara suggested an hour later.
It wasn't an uncommon task, although it was a task that Barbara usually took care of. She was so great with the patients, it just made sense for her to take on that role that required such deliberate interaction.
"I…" Regina hesitated.
"Regina, dear," Barbara jumped in, smirking, "You've been eying the entrance to the treatment area since Emma disappeared back there. Go ahead and go check on her."
Regina wanted to protest but she found that she couldn't really, not when she actually did want to go check on Emma. Eventually she sighed, nodding her agreement. She grabbed the cookie tin from the refreshment cart and headed into the treatment area.
xxxxxx
Regina held the container out in front of her, smiling gently at an older man with no hair who was trying to decide between a chocolate chip or a shortbread cookie, while his wife patted his arm. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched a nurse with short brown hair fluttering around Emma two chairs over. The nurse was adjusting buttons on Emma's IV pump and speaking just loudly enough that Regina could make out her words.
The nurse was asking Emma if she was looking forward to Christmas and Regina watched as Emma visibly stiffened at the question, shrugging in response. The nurse, much to Regina's annoyance, did not seem to pick up on Emma's unease at the question and prodded further, asking what Emma's plans were for the upcoming holiday. Emma's face went blank and Regina had to resist the urge to rush over there and snap at the nurse to stop being so insensitive.
"I don't have any plans." She heard Emma say but she didn't hear the rest of the conversation because her attention was drawn back to the gentleman she was standing in front of.
"I think," he said, "I'll go with chocolate chip."
"How about," Regina smiled, "You take both."
"I dunno if Betty will let me have that many cookies," He grinned at Regina, motioning with his thumb over at his wife, "I keep telling her I have cancer and I'm pretty sure that's supposed to mean I'm allowed to do whatever I want."
Betty rolled her eyes, but her expression was filled with nothing but fondness, "What he wants is to eat nothing but sweets. You'd think he was five."
The man just grinned unabashed.
"Well, go on," Betty motioned to the cookie tin eyeing her husband expectantly.
The man grinned wider and he scooped the shortbread cookie out to add to his chocolate chip one, "You're the best wife, dear."
"I know," Betty smiled.
Regina chuckled at the pair and then moved one chair over. The woman there didn't want a cookie but her supporter, a man who looked like he might be her son, gladly took one of the cookies.
Regina shuffled over one more chair, now in front of Emma. The nurse was gone and Emma was reclined back as far as the chair would go, her legs crossed, and her shoulders hunched inwards as if she was trying to fold into herself, make her body small. She looked substantially paler than she'd looked this morning and significantly more unwell, much more like she'd looked when Regina had driven her home two weeks previous. "Hey," Regina smiled.
"Hey," Emma smiled back, "Fancy seeing you here."
"Indeed," Regina smirked and then held out the cookie container, "Did you want a cookie?"
Emma grimaced, looking nauseous just at the thought, "No thanks."
Regina nodded her understanding, "Is there something else I could get you?"
"Nah," Emma shook her head, her shoulders hunching even further into herself as she shivered suddenly.
"How about a blanket?" Regina quirked an eyebrow.
Emma shivered again, smiling sort of sheepishly, looking mildly embarrassed but nodding, "Yeah...okay."
Even though she still had half the room to hand out cookies to, Regina set the tin down on one of the side tables of Emma's recliner and immediately headed to find Emma a warm blanket.
xxxxxx
Nearly two hours later they were leaving the cancer centre. Regina eyeing Emma, who was even paler than before, cautiously, as they stepped outside.
"Yikes," Emma halted as they were greeted with the scene outside.
Snow was still coming down heavily, the streets like some winter wonderland, pavement completely obstructed by the heavy accumulation of it, despite the snow plow that rumbled past.
Regina's eyes widened. She'd known that there was a chance of snow today but this was significantly more snow than she'd anticipated. "Yikes indeed," she agreed.
xxxxxx
It took them three times as long as it would in good conditions to get back to Emma's apartment. The roads were a slippery mess and they had slid right through one intersection - fortunately no one had been coming the other way. Regine knew others hadn't been quite so lucky, as they'd driven by more than one accident on the way here.
As Regina pulled up to the curb in front of Emma's apartment, Emma eyed Regina carefully, her pale face tentative and filled with worry, "You can't drive home in this."
It wasn't at all what Regina was expecting Emma to say. Her lips pursed as she stared out the window. She had to admit that Emma had a point. The thought of making an hour drive that would easily turn into three or four hours in such treacherous conditions wasn't particularly appealing. She sighed, "Perhaps I'll get a hotel room for the night."
Emma eyed her with that same careful, tentative, expression, "Or you…" she hesitated, swallowed thickly, "you could just come up to my apartment. I mean... I don't really have a spare room...but we could make it work. And that way you wouldn't have to drive anywhere else...it would be safer..."
Regina's head tilted as Emma continued to ramble, amused as she always seemed to be when the other woman started spewing words in this manner. "Okay," she agreed finally when there was a pause in Emma's speech. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea but the logic was sound and the appeal of not having to drive any further outweighed any hesitation she might have at spending the evening in the apartment of a woman she barely knew.
"Okay?" There was surprise and what almost seemed to be delight in Emma's expression at Regina's agreement.
"Yes," Regina confirmed with a head nod.
xxxxxx
They moved the car into the apartment building's parking lot and then heading inside, climbing the stairs to Emma's apartment. Regina pretending not to notice whenever Emma paused for longer than necessary on a landing, seeming to need the break to catch her breath.
Finally Emma stopped in front of the door to what Regina presumed was her apartment and pulled out a key, turning the lock and then pushing the door open.
Regina followed her inside and immediately took off her boots. They'd only walked a short distance from the car to the apartment building but it had been long enough for her boots to have collected snow and her jacket and hat to be covered in white flakes that were quickly melting in the heat of the building. She peeled her gloves and jacket off, followed by her coat, and then hesitated, holding the items in her hands, not sure what to do with them.
She turned her eyes to Emma who was shucking her own coat and gloves and boots. Emma's hands reached up to pull her knit hat off but then they stilled, frozen, her tired eyes widening slightly, looking suddenly scared. She dropped her hands to her side, leaving the hat, which like Regina's own outer clothing was quickly becoming wet from melting snow, perched on her head. It couldn't be comfortable.
Regina didn't exactly understand Emma's hesitation but she said nothing about it, instead clearing her throat and asking carefully, "Where did you want me to put my coat?"
Emma startled but after a second she relaxed, yanking a closet door open and pulling out a hanger, handing it over to Regina, "Here, put it on there, I'll hang it in the closet for you."
Regina nodded, hanging her coat up as Emma did the same with hers.
Once the closet door was shut again, Emma scooped up her shoulder bag and the little cooler bag that Regina knew contained a needle of some kind, and led the way further into the apartment. Emma dropped her shoulder bag onto the table and pulled the fridge open, depositing the cooler bag in there. She then turned to face Regina, rocking on the balls of her feet, "I...uhh...I just need a minute. Make yourself at home, okay? If you want a drink or something. There's water and some juice in the fridge. Glasses are in this cupboard," she pointed, "And the couch is over there," she pointed again.
Emma didn't wait for a response, just disappeared into what Regina could only guess was her bedroom.
xxxxxx
Emma took several shaky breaths as she slipped into her bedroom, moving over to her dresser and snagging a hat from a pile on the top of her dresser. She pulled the wet one from her head, looking at herself in the mirror over her dresser. Her ever-thinning hair was plastered to her scalp, there was no colour in her cheeks, her skin was a horrible nearly translucent grey colour, and her eyes looked seven seconds away from closing and not reopening. She was pretty sure she couldn't look much more horrible than this if she tried. She sighed, running a hand through what remained of her hair, trying to untangle it before she pulled the new knit hat, a green one, over it.
"Okay, you're okay," she mumbled to her reflection in the mirror, taking another deep breath, before she headed back out into the living space of her apartment.
Regina hadn't moved from where Emma had left her standing in the middle of the kitchen and Emma could feel the curious eyes watching her as she approached. Dark eyes seemed to settle on the hat on Emma's head a moment too long but the question Emma expected didn't come. Although, perhaps that wasn't so surprising. Regina rarely asked questions.
"You didn't want a drink?" Emma asked, leaning backwards against the counter as she eyed Regina.
"No, I'm okay," Regina shook her head, taking the lead from Emma and leaning one elbow on the hard surface, turning her body so she was facing Emma.
Emma shrugged, "So…" she drew the word out slowly, "What did you want to do? You're not hungry are you?" She eyed the digital clock on the stove which said it was only 4:15. That seemed too early for dinner. Not that she actually had a whole heck of a lot to offer in the dinner department but she was going to have to rustle something up eventually. Hopefully Regina like yogurt and oatmeal.
Regina seemed to consider it a moment before she shrugged one shoulder, "I don't want to impose on your routine. If this is when you usually eat, we can do that. If you usually eat later we can do that as well."
Emma's eyes narrowed. What kind of answer was that? "Umm...okay?" she decided, "let's wait a bit." She drummed her fingers against the counter and brightened, "I know what we can do."
Regina quirked a curious eyebrow in her direction.
Emma grinned, "You can open your Christmas present."
Regina's eyebrow quirked higher, "My Christmas present?"
Emma laughed at the comically confused expression on Regina's face. "Yes," she nodded, moving over to the table where she'd left her shoulder and pulling out the thin wrapped package. She'd intended to give it to Regina in the car but had almost forgotten all about it once they'd started driving on the treacherous snow covered roads.
Regina still seemed wholly confused, "You got me a gift?"
"Yes," Emma bobbed her head again, beyond amused by Regina's reaction as she held the package out for her to take.
Regina reached for the package, turning it over carefully in her hands. She frowned, "you didn't have to get me a gift."
Emma shrugged, "I just wanted to say thanks. You know, for driving me. t's not, like, a big deal. You'll see. Open it."
"But-" Regina started but Emma cut her off.
"Just open it," Emma repeated, grinning now.
Regina peeled the wrapping paper away painstakingly slowly, unfolding each edge with care. When she finally had the paper removed she stared down at the gift in her hand a long moment before she laughed, looking over at Emma, "You got me The Exorcist."
Emma laughed too, gleeful despite her exhaustion, "I just couldn't stand that you hadn't seen such a classic."
"Classic. Of course," Regina snorted.
xxxxxx
Emma put the DVD in the DVD player and they settled themselves on the couch and turned the movie on.
Regina watched the screen intently, while Emma switched between watching the movie and watching Regina watch the movie. Or, at least, that's what she did for the first twenty minutes, and then her eyelids got droopier and droopier, until they just simply refused to be open any longer
xxxxxx
Emma woke with a start, her entire body flailing. She groaned, blinking confused as she pushed herself up into a seated position from where she was lying half draped over the arm of the couch. She grimaced as she realized she'd drooled all over herself and she reached up to wipe at the corner of her mouth. Gross.
She felt someone shift beside her and she nearly jumped as her head whipped around, her eyes settling on Regina. The fog around her brain began to lift and she remembered inviting the brunette to stay here for the night due to the snowstorm raging outside. "Crap," she mumbled, as she wiped at the corner of her mouth again, "Sorry. I...uh…" she looked over at the TV, which was no longer even on and then back at Regina. It suddenly registered that Regina was holding a book. "How long has the movie been over?" she rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment.
Regina smiled reassuringly at her, "Only about fifteen minutes."
"Oh. Okay," Emma sighed softly, resisting the urge to apologize again. "So...did you like it at least?" she asked hopefully.
Regina kept a straight face but her eyes twinkled, "It was alright."
"Just alright?" Emma scoffed.
"I think it contains a tad too much vomiting to be considered a classic," Regina smirked.
"Oh come on," Emma pretended to pout.
Regina laughed, shaking her head at Emma's silly expression.
"Now you're laughing at me," Emma shook her head, lifting a hand to her chest in mock offense.
"Yes," Regina confirmed in faux-seriousness.
Emma threw a couch cushion at her, which Regina caught easily and settled on her lap.
"So…" Emma drew the word out slowly, using it as a transition, "Did you want dinner now? I'm not sure how much I really have to offer but I think I have some soup in the cupboard. Or probably the stuff we need to make pasta with crappy canned sauce."
Regina's head tilted as she seemed to contemplate that, finally deciding, "Soup sounds lovely."
xxxxxx
Even though this was Emma's apartment and Regina was the guest - the first guest Emma had ever had here - Regina sort of just took control in the kitchen, urging Emma to sit at the table while she heated the soup on the stove and used some of the few measly other ingredients Emma owned to make grilled cheese.
Emma protested half-heartedly but she was feeling a little too light headed, and a lot too sluggish, to fight against Regina's determined I'm-going-to-get-my-way expression, which admittedly was probably the reason for Regina's insistence in the first place. Instead of arguing, she made quick work of setting the table, placing bowls and spoons and two glasses filled with water onto the hard surface, and then sat herself down in one of the chairs as Regina had suggested.
"Do you like cooking?" she asked curiously, watching Regina, fascinated by the ease with which she worked.
Regina glanced over at her, "Yes, I really do. How about you?"
Emma shrugged, "I find it...a necessity." It was a necessity that was becoming increasingly difficult to contend with. Of all of the difficult things that came with having cancer and with getting chemo, she was finding her sudden aversion to food one of the hardest. Food was a tricky thing for her. When she was growing up, frequently there hadn't been enough of it to go around and more than once she'd stolen to fill the hollow ache in her belly. It wasn't until she was older and had an income of her own and the stability of knowing that there would always be food on the table at the end of the day that she'd really learned to enjoy food instead of just devour it. Where food had most often been associated with anxiety in her childhood, it was now associated with happiness. It was one of the few things that truly made her happy in an otherwise fairly lonely life. Or, at least, it had been. She hadn't even realized how much joy she derived from eating food she liked, until she suddenly didn't like any food. Sure there were still some good days but more often than not in the last weeks, eating had been a struggle, something she had to force herself to do. That struggle made her motivation to cook, something she'd never really loved anyway, wane terribly.
Regina's head tilted as she contemplated Emma's response. "I can see why it doesn't appeal to everyone. For me though, it's always been something that I find relaxing." As she spoke she turned her attention back to the stove and flipped the grilled cheese she was working on.
"That's nice," Emma smiled and took a small sip of her water, "I think part of my problem is that I'm not very good at it. So there isn't much satisfaction at the end. I'd much rather order food."
Regina glanced over at Emma, nodding in understanding, before she turned her attention back to the stove, removing the grilled cheese from the pan and setting it on the plate Emma had left on the counter for her. She carried the plate to the table, setting it down in the centre so that they could both take from it and then reached for the bowls.
Emma moved to push herself up from the table but Regina waved a hand to stop her.
"Stay," Regina said, "I've got this."
"But-" Emma started to protest.
"Emma," Regina interrupted her, "Please stay sitting, I'll get it. You look…" she trailed off as if it had suddenly occurred to her that whatever she was about to say might not be appropriate.
"Like shit?" Emma supplied.
Regina flushed, "That's not what I…" she swallowed, "I'm sorry."
Emma gave her a reassuring smile, "You don't have to be sorry. I do own a mirror, I know I look…" she struggled to find a word to describe the hue of her skin, "...less than great."
"You just look tired," Regina offered, "which of course you are, you've just spent the entire day in a cancer centre."
"Tired is probably the kindest way to describe what I currently look like," Emma smirked.
Regina just shrugged a shoulder, saying nothing as she moved over to the stove to fill the two bowls with the chicken noodle soup she'd heated. Carrying them back to the table carefully so as not spill anything, she set one down in front of Emma and then set the other at her place setting, sliding into the chair at the table.
Emma scooped a small mouthful of broth onto her spoon, blowing on it carefully to make sure it was cool, before she shovelled it into her mouth and swallowed. She repeated the action a few more times before she reached for a half of a grilled cheese sandwich. She eyed the sandwich a minute and then looked across the table at Regina, "So do you have plans for the holidays?" She nibbled on the corner of the sandwich while she waited for a response.
Regina looked up from her own bowl of soup, her expression almost unreadable. "A friend of mine is having a Christmas Eve party. I don't usually go because I'm typically in Portland visiting my mother...but she's taking a trip this year, so we aren't celebrating Christmas." There was a flash of what might be hurt in Regina's eyes but it was quickly masked.
Emma bit her lip as she tried to decide what to say to that. She didn't have much experience with Christmas or with mothers. "I'm sorry," she eventually said lamely, not coming up with anything better.
Regina's lips twitched into a lopsided half smile, "It's okay. Honestly, my mother isn't the easiest person to be around, her telling me she was going away for the holidays might actually be a gift."
Emma's brow crinkled into a frown at Regina's words. That just seemed so sad. It was one thing to not have a mother, it was completely another to have a mother that you disliked so much that you would even consider referring to her absence as a gift. "Oh," was all Emma managed to say mostly because she wasn't sure what an appropriate response would be.
"Don't get me wrong," Regina rushed to clarify, misinterpreting Emma's silence, "She's my mother and I do love her. Of course if she was home I would gladly visit her for the holidays."
Emma nodded, feeling bad that her lack of response seemed to have made Regina uncomfortable. "You don't have to justify anything. I understand…" she started and then shook her head, "well...I mean. I don't really understand understand because I don't have a mother. But I can imagine."
It was Regina's turn to be speechless, clearly uncertain of an appropriate response to that revelation.
Emma gnawed on her lip and then, perhaps because chemo related exhaustion had lowered her defences, or perhaps because she was still trying to make up for Regina feeling like she had to justify herself, she added in her best impersonation of an unaffected tone, "I was abandoned on the side of the road as a newborn. Spent my formative years shuffled through a series of foster homes. Never landed anywhere permanent." It was more honest than she usually was about her past and as soon as she said it she looked down at her bowl not wanting to catch the pity that she was sure would flicker across Regina's face.
"That sounds difficult," Regina spoke carefully, her words sounding much less pitying than Emma was expecting.
Emma looked up from her soup, shrugging one shoulder dismissively, "It was what it was."
Regina bobbed her head, the subtle nod an obvious acquisition to Emma's desire to drop the subject, much to Emma's relief. She went one step further and actually changed the subject herself, "So have you lived in Boston your whole life, then?"
"No," Emma shook her head, "I was sort of everywhere and nowhere for a long time. I've only been in Boston a little over a year. I like it here though. A lot. The big city...it makes it easy to disappear, you know?"
Regina nodded, "Yes, I can imagine. I grew up in a big city. But in Portland...I was never quite as invisible as I wanted to be. My father owned a large law firm and my mother loved, still loves, the limelight."
"Oh wow," Emma eyed her curiously now, "How does a girl who grew up in Portland end up the mayor of some tiny Maine town?"
Regina swallowed thickly, her expression flashing momentarily with something that looked liked pain before her features smoothed over. Emma hadn't meant to ask a difficult question and she was opening her mouth to take it back when Regina spoke, her voice and expression distant, "I...lost someone important to me... and I suppose that's when I finally realized...after all those years of wanting to disappear...that I just could. If I wanted to, all I had to do was get up and leave. So I did."
Emma held Regina's gaze a long moment, saying nothing as she studied warm brown eyes, something heavy passing between them. Her heart ached for the woman sitting across from her. Regina had provided very little details but Emma didn't need to know anything else to know that whatever had transpired had been painful for the other woman, painful enough that Regina had chosen to run. And running, well that was something that Emma understood better than most. Emma also recognized the look that was currently on Regina's face, it was one she sported often enough, it was the look that said 'please don't prod', and she easily agreed to Regina's silent request, doing what she did best and offering levity in the form of a teasing, "So...let me get this straight. You wanted to disappear, so you chose somewhere small enough where everyone would probably know your name?"
Regina relaxed visibly, her expression showing gratitude a moment before her lips twisted into a smirk, "Yes, well. I never said I was a genius."
"I don't know," Emma grinned, "You're like probably one of the youngest mayors ever. That screams pretty freaking smart to me."
xxxxxx
They finished dinner, Emma took a fistful of pills only slightly smaller than the fistful of pills she'd taken at the cancer centre, they did the dishes together, and then they moved back into the living room.
Emma turned the TV on but they paid little attention to it, instead spending the next hour talking, mostly supplying funny stories about their respective careers. Regina described in hilarious detail a council member who had shown up to a meeting in the most hideous sweatpants and neon yellow shirt she'd ever seen and Emma describing a guy she'd been tracking down who literally dripped over his own shoelaces and landed at her feet.
As the hour approached 9 pm, Emma's eyelids once again got droopier and droopier, until everytime she blinked they remained closed for several seconds.
"You should go to bed," Regina eyed her carefully.
Emma's entire body practically begged her to agree but she gnawed her lip and shook her head, "I'm okay."
Regina quirked a disbelieving eyebrow at her, "You sure about that?"
Emma ducked her head to avoid the scrutinizing gaze, not sure she could lie adequately.
"Seriously, Emma. Please don't let the fact that I'm here change your routine. You had chemo today. You need to rest," Regina insisted, her voice filled with so much understanding, "Don't worry about me, I have my book, and my phone. I should probably catch up on some work emails, regardless."
"Okay," Emma sighed, unable to keep a small hint of annoyance out of her voice. She wasn't annoyed at Regina, she was annoyed at herself. Well, maybe not at herself exactly but definitely at her cancer. She was enjoying talking to Regina so much, it wasn't fair that stupid cancer, and stupid chemo, and her stupid pathetic body, were forcing her to need to go to bed earlier than most teenagers did. She sighed again, offering Regina an apologetic smile, wanting Regina to know that she most definitely wasn't upset with her. "So I was thinking," she started, "you could take my room and I'll sleep out here on the couch."
Once again Regina quirked a disbelieving eyebrow at her, "Seriously? You think I'm going to take a cancer patient's bed? How horrible do you think I am?"
Emma might have been upset at being referred to as a cancer patient if the words hadn't been delivered in such a clearly teasing way. She narrowed her eyes at Regina, "Hey, I'm trying to be a good host here."
Regina chuckled, shaking her head, "You've been a wonderful host, Emma. But nothing you say is going to convince me to take your bed."
Emma rolled her eyes, "Are you always this difficult?"
Regina smirked, "Yes."
xxxxxx
The next morning they ate a breakfast of oatmeal and yoghurt, which was really all Emma had to offer. The snow had stopped over night and the roads had been cleared, so shortly after breakfast, Regina prepared to leave.
"Thanks again for giving me a place to stay last night," Regina smiled from where she stood at the door.
"It wasn't a problem," Emma shrugged, returning the smile, "you're welcome, anytime." Strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, she found that she sincerely meant that.
Emma almost felt sad as she watched Regina disappear down the hallway and she closed the door to apartment, alone once more.
xxxxxx
A few days later, as she'd told Emma she would be, Regina found herself at Kathryn and Frederick's Christmas Eve open house. Never having been able to attend in the past, Regina wasn't quite sure what to expect and she was surprised to find the couple's home packed with what seemed to be the majority of the town. She talked some with a few of the more tolerable councillors, and with Eugenia who owned Granny's diner, but after a while she found the party to be a little too suffocating and she disappeared with her glass of red wine into the kitchen, which seemed to be the only room of the house not crowded with people.
She leaned against the counter, sipping slowly on her wine and wondering what Emma was doing right now. She was surprised at that thought and even more surprised when it occurred to her that she'd much rather be sitting on Emma's couch talking right now than be at this crowded party.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Kathryn coming into the room. She was carrying an ice bucket and she set it down on the counter. "So here's where you're hiding," Kathryn smirked at her before she turned to the fridge, opening the freezer and pulling out ice trays.
"I'm not hiding," Regina scowled.
"Sure," Kathryn rolled her eyes as she dumped ice from the trays into the ice bucket. "So…" she said as she moved over to the sink to refill the ice trays, "are you going to tell me where you were Thursday? Your disappearance is hot gossip around town and I want the scoop."
Regina's eyes narrowed, her brow crinkling in confusion, "What?"
"You didn't show up to work Thursday. There's a pool betting on the reason why," Kathryn's expression was filled with amusement.
"Seriously?" Regina's frown deepened.
Kathryn laughed, "No, silly. Not seriously," she rolled her eyes, "Not the betting pool part anyway. There was a rather lively discussion at Granny's about where you might be when Susan came in and said you called informing her that you weren't going to make it in." She put the ice cub trays back in the freezer and turned to look back at Regina.
Regina rolled her eyes at Kathryn. Why was her secretary gossiping about her exactly?
As if reading her mind, Kathryn shrugged, "Hey, it's a small town, we don't have much to gossip about. Plus, we all know you went to work with pneumonia last year, so any unexplained absences are all that more curious to everyone. It's half the reason why the whole town knew about you volunteering the day after your first shift at the cancer centre. As soon as Regina Mills doesn't turn up at Town Hall, everyone worries that the world might have ended. It's how I knew you volunteering would be a good PR strategy."
Regina rolled her eyes again, shaking her head at Kathryn. "There was a snowstorm in Boston. I stayed there overnight because it didn't seem safe to try and drive home."
Kathryn looked extremely curious now, "And where exactly did you stay?"
Regina couldn't stop the sudden flush of her checks - she blamed the wine. "With...a friend," she said as neutrally as possible.
Kathryn's eyebrows waggled up and down, an amused grin on her face, "A friend, huh?"
"Yes," Regina snapped defensively.
Kathryn held up a hand as if to say 'easy'. "And who exactly is this Boston friend that you've told me nothing about?"
Regina shrugged one shoulder, "Her name is Emma. I met her at the cancer centre."
"Em-ma," Kathryn repeated the name in a singsong voice. She waggled her eyebrows up and down again, "Are you sure she's just a friend."
Regina scowled, her jaw tightening as a sudden flurry of something like anger settled in her chest, although she wasn't really sure why. Her eyes narrowed in Kathryn's direction, "She has cancer Kathryn. Yes, I'm sure."
"Oh," Kathryn paled, looking uncertain now.
"Yes, oh," Regina repeated, still unhappy and feeling suddenly off-kilter.
"I...I'm sorry," Kathryn sighed.
Regina sighed too. She hadn't meant to be so snappish, "You don't have to be sorry. Just...leave it please."
Kathryn stared at her much too knowingly for a long moment before she nodded, "Okay." She swallowed thickly and then she grinned at Regina, pushing aside the heaviness that had settled over them, "Now come back out into the living room, we're about to start the dance party."
Kathryn snagged Regina's wrist and Regina let herself be tugged back into the crowded living space.
xxxxxx
The party was still raging pretty strongly shortly after midnight when Regina decided that she should head home.
Both Kathryn and Frederick hugged her goodbye, wishing her Merry Christmas, and the she stepped out into the cold evening air. She'd only had a few glasses of wine but she decided that it would still be best to leave her car. She only lived a few blocks away and the walk might help her clear her head, which had been oddly foggy since her conversation with Kathryn in the kitchen.
As she walked, she couldn't help but think about Emma. Emma who had told her she would be spending Christmas curled up on the couch since Sunday's post chemo were actually the days she felt the worst day. Emma who would be spending Christmas all alone.
Regina pulled out her phone. She was sure Emma was sleeping right now but she decided that it might be nice for her to wake up to a message. Maybe that way she would feel just a little less lonely on a day that Regina was sure was nothing but a reminder to her that she had no family.
She typed out the message quickly and only hesitated a second before hitting send.
Emma, just wanted to say thanks again for taking me in during the snowstorm the other day. I had a really nice evening. Also, since it's after midnight now, just wanted to say Merry Christmas. All things considered, I hope you have a good day and that you aren't feeling too terribly.
She put her phone back in her pocket and continued walking towards her house. She was surprised when her phone beeped a few minutes later. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the message, smiling at the words on the screen.
xxxxxx
Emma was quickly learning to hate Saturday evenings post-chemo. She was no less exhausted than she was the first few days post-chemo but, unlike those first days when she always managed to sleep soundly for ten or more hours, on Saturdays post-chemo her aching bones, and unsettled stomach, and general malaise, made her restless, and all she seemed to do all night was toss and turn. It was for that reason that she heard her phone beep shortly after midnight. She had no clue who would be texting her so late at night and she considered ignoring it. But after tossing from one side to the other for the tenth time that evening, she sighed and reached for her phone.
She was surprised to find that the message was from Regina and she couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face.
She slowly typed out a return message.
Hey Regina. What a nice surprise message. I'm glad you had a good time even with this lam-o cutting the night short and going to bed at 9 o'clock. I had a good time too, for the record. Like I said, you're definitely welcome any time. Oh and Merry Christmas! See you in less than two weeks. :)
Smiling to herself again, she dropped her phone back onto her nightstand, rolled over onto her side, and finally managed to drift to sleep.
xxxxxx