This chapter contains talk and mentions of past abuse of a child. If you don't want to accidentally read it, it is in a block of italic writing. Be warned.
Dean found Castiel reading at his desk when he got back to the room. He dropped his bag by the chair and sighed. "I'm so glad the weekend is here." Dean was looking forward to some rest.
'Me too.'
Dean moved to sit on Castiel's bed. "Did you see the signs about the floor meeting today?" Castiel nodded without looking up from his book. "I couldn't imagine what that's about," Dean said sarcastically.
Castiel laughed. 'It'll probably be the last one this semester.'
"Yeah," Dean looked at him, "you don't have to go if you don't want to."
'I'm fine.'
"You sure?" Dean didn't want him to do anything that would hurt him or make him uncomfortable.
Castiel put his book down to look at Dean. 'I'm sure. Don't worry about me.'
Dean nodded and dropped it. "I talked to Jo today. It didn't even occur to me that I should tell her about this until I saw her coming."
'What did she say?'
"She was worried about us. She's glad that Rick is finally gone though. She also wanted to know if we could be friends again." Dean looked down at his hands until he saw Castiel's hands moving.
'What did you say to her?' He had hoped Jo and Dean could get to be friendly again.
Dean shrugged. "I told her that we would see about that after the break. It was just so weird talking to her."
'Well, you haven't talked to her in a few weeks. It takes time.'
"Yeah, I know. So, you want to go get dinner before we have the floor meeting?"
Castiel nodded and stood up. 'Sure.' He winced a little when he stood up. His ribs were more painful than he'd anticipated.
They were close to the door when Castiel stopped him with a hand. "Yeah?"
'I finished what I was writing for you. You can read it whenever you want.' It had been harder than he thought to finish writing all the bad experiences from his past. He was still nervous about Dean reading it but he wanted to share it.
"Okay, good. I'll read it after the floor meeting." Dean smiled. He was relieved that Castiel finally felt comfortable opening up to him.
They went to the food court for dinner and then made it back up in time for the meeting. They gathered with the rest of the floor near Benny's room. A few of them asked Dean about his eye, and he would just tell them that he was hit by a jerk. It wasn't a lie technically.
Once everyone was gathered, Benny spoke. "Thank you for coming. I know this was sudden and you're all busy so I'll keep it brief. One of the people on this floor is no longer living here. He is actually no longer going to this school because he violated one of our policies and will face the proper punishment for what he did. I thought this would be a good time to reiterate some of our rules so next semester will be better."
Everyone glanced around at the group to try and see who the missing person was. Dean had already heard some others talking about it. Some had the information right, but no one was sure.
"The noise policy should be especially important this time of year. Many of you are studying or trying to finish projects so please respect the quiet hours for everyone's sake. Also, if any of you are having issues with a roommate in any way, please come to me and let me know. I will do everything I can to try and fix the problem."
Benny went over a few other things as far as when the dorms close and what they'd have to do before leaving for the break. When he was finished, the group scattered to their rooms. Dean and Castiel talked to Charlie and Gilda for a few minutes before going back to their room.
Castiel took another pain pill once they were in the room, and sat on his bed. Dean sat at his desk and looked at the laptop sitting open in front of him. He had told Castiel that he would read what he wrote about his past experiences with his owner, but now that he was sitting there, he was hesitating. Did he really want to know all the details of the abuse Castiel went through?
He looked at Castiel and saw him arranging his pillow so he could sit up on the bed. He had a book he was reading in his hands and opened it once he was comfortable. Dean smiled when he thought about how far Castiel had come since he met him. At first he was an emaciated, terrified cautious angel. Now he could read and write, he was comfortable with the family and friends, and was more muscular than Dean at the moment.
Dean unlocked the laptop and saw the open Word document on the screen. He took a breath and began to read.
I had a hard time beginning this. I wasn't sure where to begin or what to really say. I've never told anyone about what has happened to me and always believed that no one even cared to know. So, I'll start at the beginning.
I was born and spent the first 8 years of my life in a breeder's house. He was a nice man. He never hurt any of the angels he bred. My parents seemed happy there and I was never once worried about my future. It wasn't until I got older that I realized why I should've been worried.
This breeder didn't have a lot of money and was never too questioning or picky about who he sold angels to, as long as they paid him. Many people acquired angels from him that had no business taking them. My owner was one of them. He came to the house when I was 8. He was a repeat customer for the breeder. He picked me out of a small line up of other boys around my age.
At first I was happy to be moving on. I had seen many siblings being taken away and assumed that was my duty, my purpose. I was sad that I would be leaving my parents, but they told me to be strong and to be good.
He took me to his house, which was a huge estate. There were many angels at his house working as maids and servants. None of them looked at me when we came in. He led me straight to a bedroom on the second floor. There was something attached to one of the bedposts. I would learn that it was called a collar and leash. This one was metal and had a metal linked chain. He closed it around my neck and that was the last time it would be put on or taken off for seven years.
The chain was long enough to allow me to walk around the bed a few feet on every side, but not long enough to reach the door or window. There was a pot near the bed I used as a bathroom.
A few days after that, a doctor visited me and performed the surgery to silence me forever. A couple days later everything got much worse. For the first time, he came into the room with me. I didn't know what to expect. I had no idea that other people would or could hurt each other. That night was the first night he hurt me. I guess he needed to wait until after my surgery so he wouldn't have to listen to me scream and cry as he violated me.
It was always the same afterward, one of the other angels would come in after he left and would clean me and the room. They would also bring me food twice a day. I cried and asked them why this was happening. None of them ever answered me. I soon stopped asking.
Eventually they stopped putting clothes back on me as it seemed an inconvenience to the often drunk owner at his visits. I spent most of my time there wearing nothing. Every week or so I would ask one of the angels to help me or to let me go. They told me that no one was coming, no one cared, and that there was no hope. At the age of nine, I had lost all faith in the world and the people in it. I would lay silently in my bed through the day and stare out the window, wishing I could break my chains and fly out into the sky and be free.
You would think that this was as bad as it could get right? I thought so too. Sometime after I turned 9, my owner began throwing parties for his friends. I could hear them from upstairs. They were loud and drunk. When I heard their footsteps stumbling up the stairs, I grew scared quickly. The door opened and eight men entered the room. Each one took a turn while the others watched. It was that night that I began begging the other angels to kill me. I didn't want to live anymore if this was what living meant.
My owner began hosting parties once a week. After that started, I was being examined by doctors on a regular basis. They were always rough with me and took blood in a way that left bruises for days. None of them seemed to care about my pain, and I knew then that no one ever would.
I endured this for years. My fear died. My anger died. My disgust died. I had lost anything that caused me to feel. I was dead by most people's definition. I could tell that I was getting taller and that I was growing older, but I had no idea how long I'd been chained in that place.
When I began to feel slight stubble on my face, I began to realize that my owner was visiting me less and his visits didn't always go well for him. I was too numb at that point to understand the change.
Then, one day my owner came into the room with clothes. He took off my collar and told me to put the clothes on. He then led me to his car and drove me into the crowded downtown area of the city. I had never seen so many people or buildings so big.
He pulled up to an alley and told me to get out. I hesitated, confused about what he meant. He got out of the car and pulled me from the vehicle. Then he got back in the car and drove off without me. I didn't know what to do. Part of me was relieved that it was finally over, I was free. Part of me was terrified as I'd never been alone and I had no idea what to do.
That night I learned about the cruelty of the streets. I was attacked and lost my shoes and shirt. In my search for food, I experienced my first broken bone. I had nowhere to go and no one to help.
Eventually I learned how to survive and get what I needed. It was a frequent occurrence for me to be attacked by homeless humans and angels. We were all desperate for food and shelter.
I spent 2 years surviving and eventually felt like I had done all I could do. I was weak and tired of putting so much effort into a life that seemed hopeless. I had no reason to go on.
Then, I was found by a group of teenage boys that were bored. I took their hits and their kicks. I had no strength to fight back and I had accepted my fate. I believed this would be the night I would die. Then I heard a voice say stop. You made them leave.
You saved my life. Not only that night, but as a whole. I was ready to die but you said no. You gave me a reason to fight, a reason to believe that maybe there was something worth living for, worth fighting for. My life was filled with pain and disappointment until I met you. You showed me that someone could care about me and that I shouldn't give up.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make you understand how happy you've made me, Dean. I wouldn't be here without you. You gave me hope and safety. Those are two things I hadn't had in a long time, if at all. I look forward to waking up now and I want to see what the future has in store for me.
Dean had tears in his eyes as he finished reading. Some of what he assumed about Castiel's last owner had been correct, but reading about it was hard for him. Reading about his mental state during it and after was what really broke Dean's heart. He never thought about the internal effects he had on Castiel and was touched by the words.
He closed the computer and pushed away from the desk to stand. He wiped his eyes and turned to face the angel. Castiel was watching him cautiously. Dean shook his head and moved to sit by Castiel on his bed.
"I'm so sorry, Cas. I never would've put you in the position I did last night if I'd known about all that." Tears fell as he spoke. He felt horrible about what happened. It was no wonder Castiel reacted the way he did to Rick's words and actions.
Castiel put his book down to sign. 'Its okay, Dean. I agreed to do it. He had to be taken care of.'
"Not at the expense of your mental health." Dean wiped his face and closed his eyes. He didn't understand how people could be so awful.
Castiel gently touched Dean's shoulders and waited for him to open his eyes. When he did, Castiel pulled him in for a light hug. His ribs burned some but he dealt with it.
Dean laughed and put an arm around Castiel's neck. He had just told Dean about this horrible abusive past and pain, yet he was the one comforting Dean.
They held the hug for a few moments and then Castiel pulled back so he could sign. 'Can I ask you a favor?'
"Of course, anything."
'Could you play your guitar for me? You don't have to sing if you don't feel like it.' It was always comforting for him when Dean played and sang. He hadn't done it since he and Jo broke up.
Dean sighed. He wasn't really feeling like doing that right now but Castiel was giving him a pleading look that was hard to refuse. He got his guitar and sat silently trying to decide what to play.
Castiel sat on the end of his bed patiently waiting for Dean. He was glad that he decided to do this. He knew it made Dean feel better too. After some time contemplating, Dean began playing. It was something Castiel had heard on the radio before, but never from Dean.
He was feeling it enough that Dean began singing, "Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall. Hope when the water rises, you built a wall. Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name. Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay."
Dean played the short instrument part after that and Castiel felt tears sting his eyes. That last line hit him right now and he closed his eyes to keep himself from crying.
Dean's voice grew stronger for the next verse. "Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad. The only way you can know is give it all you have, and I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain. Hope when the moment comes, you'll say…I did it all. I, I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did, and with every broken bone, I swear I lived."
Castiel opened his eyes and watched as Dean lost himself in the song and the music, as he usually did. It warmed his heart to see him this way. They had both been through so much this semester.
Dean finished the song and could tell how much it helped him. He picked another song and kept playing.
When his right hand began hurting, he stopped and realized he'd been playing for almost an hour. It was getting late so they decided to go to bed. Dean got up to put his guitar away. He looked at Castiel shifting on his bed so he could sit on the edge.
"Do you need help with your shirt?" Dean knew that his wing was probably still too sore to deal with the clothing too much.
Castiel nodded. His ribs were causing him a problem with lifting his arm too much at the moment. He started unbuttoning his shirt. When he had it open, he dropped his hands.
Dean held the shirt up so Castiel could pull his arm out and then gently pulled it over his sore wing.
Castiel's heart was beating a little faster as Dean leaned in and had his arms around him. He had to close his eyes and tell himself to relax. He wasn't scared or worried, but Dean's proximity made him feel warm and slightly nervous.
It almost seemed like Castiel was shaking while Dean carefully pulled the shirt off of Castiel. When he got it off, he took a couple steps back.
"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?" Dean balled up the shirt as he talked.
'No, I'm fine.' He smiled reassuringly.
"Alright," Dean turned to throw the shirt into the laundry basket, "I'll get your pants for you so you don't have to get up."
Castiel nodded even though Dean wouldn't see it. He didn't know why he was suddenly feeling so different. This had never happened before. He was just thinking about Charlie's words a few weeks back. Was he really in love with Dean? He definitely cared more about Dean than anyone else he'd ever known. He felt more comfortable with him than he ever had before. Plus he was very attractive, although Castiel hadn't really thought about it much before they came to this school.
Dean came from his closet with his and Castiel's pajamas in hand. He held the pants out to Castiel and the angel seemed lost in thought. Dean leaned down slightly to catch his eye.
"Cas?"
Castiel jumped at his name. He hadn't realized Dean was standing so close. He shook his head and took the pants Dean was holding out.
"You sure you're okay?"
'Yes.' Castiel put his pajamas on the bed so he could take off his jeans.
Dean nodded and picked up the bottle of pain pills on his desk. "You want one before you go to sleep?" Dean wasn't sure when he'd taken one after this morning.
Castiel shook his head. He could've used one but he didn't like how groggy they made him.
"They'll be here if you change your mind." Dean put them back on the desk and then left to use the bathroom and change.
Castiel went through the task of changing his pants while Dean was gone. It was difficult since his ribs prevented him from bending or twisting too much without a lot of pain. He ended up laying on his back so he could pull up his pajama pants.
He took a few calming breaths as his pain grew. Dean was opening the door when Castiel had maneuvered himself onto his good side to sleep.
A few days later, Benny told them that Rick's parents would be coming by to pick up his things since he wouldn't be back. He told them to be somewhere else when they planned to come to avoid any more trouble. He was in the room with them to make sure they only took what was Rick's.
Dean got his computer back after a week so he was able to finish his paper in time for the final. Rick was sent to jail and Dean passed all his finals. It was early December when the semester ended and Dean and Castiel went home for the break.