A/N: …*whispers* sorry…
"Shizuo, here. Now." The commanding tone Shinra had taken up would have normally pissed Shizuo off if it was directed towards him. Yet for some reason, he felt oddly devoid of his usual irritation.
"What about the larynga-thingy?" Shizuo frowned.
"Yes, bring it," Shinra answered quickly moving next to the bed and flipping a switch on a machine. A high pitched whining filled the room. Shizuo looked helplessly at the tools lining the cupboard, wishing he were anywhere else.
"This one?" Shizuo asked, lifting a metal tool with a round handle and horizontal blade. It sort of looked like a mini scythe. Shinra glanced his way.
"I'd prefer a Macintosh blade, number three. Should be the curved one right next to it." The doctor resumed his work, eyeing the monitor that displayed vital signs. "That's V-fib," Shinra muttered, "Shizuo, I'm going to need your help."
"Uh…right…" The bodyguard lifted the device next to the one he was holding. It was similar, but with a curved blade. He felt relieved when he spied 'Macintosh #3' stamped into the head. "Here." He set the larynga-whatever down on the tray next to Shinra. The doctor was leaning over Izaya, hands clasped together, pressing down rhythmically on his chest.
CPR… Shizuo thought with a start. Didn't that mean Izaya's heart wasn't beating?
"Okay, I need you to take over with the chest compressions," Shinra told him, barely sparing him a glance.
He's got to be kidding… Shizuo deadpanned, unable to believe Shinra would ask him- the strongest man in Ikebukuro- to compress the already broken chest of his worst enemy and expect any good to come of it.
"I can't," Shizuo finally replied when it became obvious Shinra was looking for a response. "I don't…" Shizuo held up his hands helplessly, hoping the gesture would articulate what his words could not. I don't know how to help. I'm not good at this… All I do is break things until they obey me and I can't do that…
Shinra locked eyes with him, head bobbing in time to the chest compressions.
"If you don't do this, he'll die."
Good.
That's what he should say.
He should nod contentedly and turn and walk out of the room.
As a murderer.
Damn it. If that bastard died, it signified Shizuo's anger winning.
Shizuo walked forward mechanically, clasping his hands the way Shinra had his. I can't believe I'm still here… Hesitantly, he reached forward, placing his hands on Izaya's chest. The skin was cold and clammy beneath his palms.
"Good. Center of the chest, just like that," the doctor coached, "Lock your elbows. Good. A little faster, one hundred bpm is the target. You have to push harder than that-"
Shizuo felt something crack under his hands. Shinra made a pained face.
"-uh, okay, not that hard." Nodding the doctor went back to the machine next to the bed. Shizuo noticed the screen had a wildly erratic line signifying pulse. This was punctuated by spikes whenever pushed down on Izaya's chest. In another time, with another person, in another situation, it might almost be sort of interesting.
He kept his focus on Shinra, on the machine, on the door across the room that beckoned him. Anything but on the figure lying on the bed. He watched as Shinra lifted two paddles from either side of the machine with heart monitor, holding them in one hand while applying a gel to the smooth surface. The doctor moved smoothly, methodically. It looked almost like he was also trying to focus on anything except for the identity of his patient. With practiced ease, Shinra turned a knob and hit the large red button at the top of the machine.
"Two hundred joules, charging," he murmured as the machine let out a high pitched whine. "Shizuo, stand clear." The bodyguard stepped back with hands held up, not needing a second warning. He couldn't help the slight twinge of morbid fascination as Shinra placed the pads on Izaya's chest and depressed the buttons on top. The defibrillator discharged and Izaya's body spasmed before going still. Shinra's eyes were glued to the machine display and after a long moment he nodded once.
"Sinus rhythm. Still tachycardic, but it looks stable for now," Shizuo had no idea what the doctor was talking about, but he caught the look of relief in Shinra's eyes. The doctor pressed two fingers to Izaya's jugular.
Am I done then? Shizuo wondered, looking longingly at the door.
"BP is low," Shinra frowned, "it's hard to tell with all the outside bruising, but I think the internal hemorrhaging is worse than I initially thought. Shizuo, I need you to hang another two bags of saline, I need to intubate before his oxygenation gets any lower." The doctor moved to his medical tray, deft hands arranging an array of medical tools including the larynga-whatever-the-hell-it-was. Shizuo sighed, half frustration and half disappointment.
At least I know what saline looks like. I think… He rifled through the pouches arranged on the shelf, locating two with clear liquid labeled 'Sodium Chloride 0.9%'. Tentatively picking up the pouches he hung them from the metal hooks on the IV pole, next to the half-empty pouch of blood.
Izaya made a sudden choked gagging sound and Shizuo found himself looking up in alarm before his brain had time to remind himself that this was Izaya and he didn't care. Shinra was at the head of the bed, currently holding the informant's chin and sliding the curved metal instrument down Izaya's throat. Shizuo couldn't help but wince a little at just how uncomfortable it looked. Izaya gagged again, his body tensing and Shinra eased back a little.
"He's aspirating," Shinra muttered, "I need suction!" Shizuo hesitated. Does he mean me?
"Shizuo! The suction catheter next to the instrument tray," Shinra ordered in a voice that was the closest he had come to panic thus far.
"Uh, right," Shizuo picked up the tube between his thumb and forefinger, holding it out to the doctor, cautiously. Shinra grabbed it quickly, sticking it a painful distance down Izaya's throat, sweeping it expertly around. Shizuo stood by awkwardly, watching as thick pink fluid travelled through the clear plastic tube.
"Pass me the endotracheal tube," Shinra requested, without looking up.
"Uh," Shizuo scanned the instruments on the tray, selecting a thin tube of hard plastic the length of his forearm as the object that most closely resembled 'tube'. Shinra took the object without protest, so the blond supposed he had guessed correctly. Whoopee.
He watched with a strange mix of fascination and disgust as Shinra inserted the tube an impossible distance down Izaya's throat. About halfway through the procedure, Izaya shuddered again, letting out a half-groan of protest. Shinra grimaced, but continued, securing the top of the tube and taping another piece of hard plastic into place. With deft fingers the doctor connected more tubes that led to a machine and flipped a switch on said machine. He fiddled with the settings for a moment before nodding to himself and the gentle whiirr click of the machine filled the empty space in the room.
Shinra heaved a sigh, relaxing ever so slightly for the first time since this crazy evening had begun. He moved over to the saline bags Shizuo had hung, connecting the IVs with practiced ease. Shizuo glanced longingly at the open doorway. He desperately needed a smoke. Or six. I'm done here now, right? I can go home and sleep and pretend like this never happened? He glanced over at Shinra who was adjusting his glasses and frowning at one of the monitors. Maybe he could sneak out while the doctor was occupied.
"Heartrate is still high," Shinra muttered, tapping the screen twice, "I wonder…" His eyebrows furrowed as he moved closer to the prone figure on the cot, fingers probing the damaged tissue around the ribs. Shinra frowned, his gaze moving to the tube that was sticking out of his patient's chest. Blood was dripping slowly from the end of the tube and the doctor's eyes widened at the sight.
"Shit!" He scrambled for his instrument tray just as one of the machines let out a piercing wail. "He's bleeding into his pleural cavity!" Shinra exclaimed, brandishing a scalpel. Am I supposed to know what that means? "It means his heart and lungs are being constricted by the pressure- Shizuo! I need another chest tube from the cupboard! And suction!"
"Damn it," Shizuo scowled, glaring at Izaya. Because this was definitely his fault. He found the chest tube easily enough, having seen Celty grab one earlier. He handed it to Shinra who tore the clear plastic off and carefully pushed it through the incision he had made in Izaya's side. Shizuo idly wondered just how many more tubes and wires Shinra would end up shoving into the informant in an attempt to keep him alive. He handed the doctor the thin suction tube and noticed something odd.
Shizuo's hands were shaking.
Huh. Overexertion maybe? It's been a long day…
"No, no, no…" Shinra was saying, eyes flashing with something that was close to panic, "c'mon, don't do this…" Shinra's tone caused something in Shizuo's chest to tighten. The doctor was worried. With a start, Shizuo realized that even with Shinra's medical prowess, Izaya still might die. The thought hadn't even occurred to him until that moment.
I'm an idiot… Just because he'd decided not to kill Izaya didn't mean the bastard was going to live. The damage was already done… As Shizuo watched Shinra lean over Izaya and start pressing on his chest with folded hands he became uncomfortably aware of how little he really acknowledged the consequences of his actions.
"Shizuo! He's flat-lining, I need you to continue the chest compressions!" Shizuo clenched his still shaking hands into fists.
So this is what it means to become stronger, huh? Taking responsibility? He edged closer to the bed, jaw set, firmly. Shit. This sucks. He positioned his hands like Shinra had shown him earlier, pressing down tentatively. Shinra wasn't even watching this time, darting for a drawer and pulling out a syringe. He pulled the cap off with his teeth and took two giant steps back to the bed, plunging the needle into Izaya's chest and emptying the contents with a firm push. Shizuo hesitated, but Shinra made a 'keep going' motion with his hand, turning to look at the monitor that still showed a flat line where a pulse should be. He moved to the newly placed chest tube, grimacing then nodding.
Another glance at the heart monitor.
"Come on…" Shizuo didn't like how close Shinra's voice sounded to pleading. The doctor adjusted a dial on the monitor, gritting his teeth in frustration.
There was something worse than panic in Shinra's eyes now.
Hopelessness.
It pissed Shizuo off.
The ribcage below his hands let out a creak of protest as he pushed down with a little too much force again. Shinra didn't even correct him this time, his face turned to the clock on the wall and eyes hidden by the glare from his glasses. The doctor's mouth was a grim line and Shizuo found he hated that more than his friend's usual goofy smirk. For all his strength, there was nothing Shizuo could do.
"Four minutes…" Shinra murmured, nodding once at the clock. The doctor retrieved another syringe from the drawer, but his actions were more mechanical than frantic now. Shinra depressed the plunger on the second syringe and motioned with his hands for Shizuo to move over. Relieved, the blond let Shinra take over the CPR, finding himself surprisingly winded.
He took a couple of steps back, catching his breath. There was a heaviness in the air that was making it hard to breathe and Shizuo was starting to feel suffocated from it. He wanted out. Time crawled as Shizuo's eyes scanned the room. The clock. The counter. The heart monitor that was still whining in protest. Anything but the cot in the middle of the room.
Shizuo was shifting awkwardly from one foot to the next, trying to get his shaking hands to stop twitching with the need for a smoke when he realized there was a sudden absence of sound. The rhythmic groaning from the bedframe had stopped. He looked up sharply and felt something oddly akin to dread. Shinra was leaning over the cot, head bowed, arms shaking. He looked defeated.
Hey…
Shinra covered his face with a hand, brow furrowing as though he were in pain.
Wait…
Shizuo moved forward with agitation that he fully intended to blame on nicotine withdrawal.
You're not supposed to give up…
Shinra pulled his hand slowly down his face, bowed head still hiding his expression.
You're a doctor!
Shizuo stepped forward, angrily.
"You're supposed to fix him!" Whoops, that might have been out loud. It did, however, get Shinra to look up. Shizuo was taken aback by the strange look in the doctor's eyes. It was a bizarre twist of misery and bitter amusement.
"That's not… ah…nevermind," Shinra shook his head, turning away from Shizuo.
And away from Izaya.
Who was dead.
He suddenly felt drained. He had killed a man and while Izaya may have deserved to die, Shizuo didn't want to be a murderer. Even now, even after his death, Izaya was finding ways to ruin Shizuo's life. The blond waited to feel the usual rage, welcomed it even. Maybe it would allow him to feel justified, or at the very least it would stop these emotions that were frighteningly close to regret and guilt.
The anger didn't come.
Staring at the too-still body of his late arch nemesis, Shizuo could only summon a great emptiness.
Why?...
His body was moving on its own- a sensation he was familiar with.
Why can't I…?
He was standing next to the cot now. In the background he could hear Shinra washing his hands and tidying the counter slowly, his frantic energy from earlier evaporated.
I can't…
Shizuo thought of all the things Izaya had put him through over the years: the high school gangs, trouble with the authorities, framing him, taunting him, cutting him… it was all so…meaningless.
Why can't I hate him?
The hatred wouldn't come. Izaya was a bastard and not someone Shizuo would ever want to be around, but the hatred that had dominated his life was just…gone. It was the freedom Shizuo had always wanted, tempered only by the fast that he'd paid for it with someone else's blood.
And it was terrible.
He wasn't aware that he had resumed the CPR until he heard Shinra's hesitant voice next to him.
"Shizuo…" the doctor ventured, placing a hesitant hand on the bodyguard's arm, "you can stop." Shizuo ignored him, shrugging off the hand. Shinra rubbed the back of his neck, clearly at a loss for words. Shizuo mentally archived the moment to relish later.
The compressions seemed to be more difficult than before. Shizuo was a little surprised to find his arms shaking with exertion, but he ignored it. He was a master at pushing his body past its limits after all.
I can't hate him like this… And if he couldn't hate him, that left room for even less desirable feelings, like guilt.
The minutes wore on, Shizuo continuing the CPR while Shinra watched, awkwardly. Surprisingly though, he didn't try to stop Shizuo again.
"Can't you…zap him…or something?" Shizuo asked between his own panting breaths.
"Defibrillation has no effect on asystolic hearts," Shinra murmured, the usual gleam in his eye that came from delivering medical lectures noticeably absent, "that's a myth perpetuated by media. The correct course of action is a round of epinephrine every few minutes and CPR."
"That's…it?" Shizuo puffed, "there's nothing…else you…can do?"
"Pray," Shinra said quietly, "though in Izaya's case… you might want to skip that step. Who knows what's listening?" Shizuo snorted between compressions, managing a quick head shake.
"Are you…going to…give him…that…epi-whatever?"
"Epinephine," Shinra corrected softly, "and no, I've already exceeded a lethal limit- Shizuo. Stop." Shizuo continued to ignore the doctor who blew a long breath of exasperation in response.
"Shizuo-"
"Get the epinine,"
"Epinephrine."
"Yeah, that."
"Shizuo… you're not going to stop, are you?" When his question was only met with silence, Shinra shook his head slowly. "If it were a simple matter of stubbornness don't you think I would still be trying?" There was a note of frustration creeping into the doctor's voice now, "This is the kind of thing medical dramas perpetuate!" Shinra threw his hands in the air as he moved towards the counter adjacent the bed, "Everyone can be saved if you believe enough!" The cynical tone sounded almost wrong coming from the usually carefree doctor and Shizuo glanced over to see him pulling another syringe out, despite his words.
"Well sometimes people can't be saved!" Shinra continued, bowing his head and dropping his voice, "sometimes your friends are idiots, hell-bent on destruction; their own or others… and you just have to watch…" The doctor straightened, fire returning to his voice as he strode across the small room, stabbing this shot into the body that had been Izaya.
They both seemed to hold their breath for a moment, but when nothing happened, Shinra's shoulders slumped.
"Sometimes your best isn't good enough," the doctor muttered, dropping the used shot in the proper receptacle and slouching against the wall.
Come on you bastard. Shizuo thought, gritting his teeth and trying to remember not to push too hard. If nothing else, you have to owe Shinra at least a 'thank you' by now for all the effort he's put into saving your sorry ass.
In truth, Shizuo wasn't sure how much longer he could continue. His arms were shaking, his knees had turned to water and his vision was starting to tunnel. He was so focused on one more, followed by another one and one more that his first thought when the body beneath him convulsed was: Damnit! Hold still!
Wait…
"Shinra!" His voice was somewhere between a growl and a croak but it was enough to get the doctor's attention. Shinra was instantly beside him, grieving friend turned to medical professional again.
"Sinus rhythm," Shinra muttered, checking instruments and looking over Izaya as Shizuo backed away awkwardly, "tachycardic, which is to be expected of course but, amazingly stable… BP is still too low, I need to find the bleeding, but first we need to get him hemodynamically stabilized-"
The slamming of the front door caused Shinra to look up sharply, a small smile finally appearing on his face.
"Ah, my dearest has the most perfect timing!" Moments later, Celty entered the small room, dropping an insulated bag next to the medical tray.
"Celty! You have wonderful timing! We need to get him stabilized so I can find the source of all this bleeding. I'll need you to hang two more units of blood while I wash up." Shizuo watched the two of them moving smoothly in sync for a moment before deciding he was no longer needed.
He slipped out of the room, shaking hands already fumbling for his pack of cigarettes. Deciding that ten flights of stairs was too far, he instead headed for Shinra's balcony, sliding the glass door shut behind him. It took him four tries to coax a flame from his lighter, something he was used to doing unconsciously.
Izaya was alive.
Izaya was alive and Shizuo wasn't sure how he felt about that.
What did I just do?
He took a hearty puff of the smoke between his fore and middle finger, breathing out slowly. He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd made a huge mistake.
Damnit! I try to kill him and feel like I screwed up, then I sav- … let him live, and I feel like I screwed up!
"What the fuck am I supposed to do?!" Shizuo growled, suddenly realizing that the remaining half of his smoke had already ended up ground to ash beneath his toe. He'd also left four distinctly finger-shaped bends in the aluminum barricade encircling Shinra's balcony.
"Damnit," he muttered, lighting up another cigarette. He took a slower drag this time, trying to savor the nicotine. A slight breeze rifled through his hair and made him aware of the chilly temperature. He was still covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and his black vest had been discarded at some point, sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. He couldn't even recall doing that.
The hatred was there again. He was surprised to find it swimming in the back of his mind. It wasn't everpresent and overpowering, but he knew it was there nevertheless. Shizuo wasn't sure whether to feel comforted or frustrated by it.
He was lost in his thoughts and well into his fifth or sixth smoke when he heard the glass door sliding closed again. He glanced back, expecting Celty, but was surprised to see Shinra. The doctor didn't say anything, just leaned his elbows on the railing next to Shizuo for a long moment, staring at the bustling city spread out before them.
"Shouldn't you be doing doctor things?" Shizuo finally asked, casting a sidelong glance at his friend. Shinra offered him a tired half-smile in return.
"He's stable for now, I think I've got the worst of the bleeding. I'm just waiting for his vitals to strengthen so I can set some of the bones. The ribs are going to be a nightmare," he added, making a face. Shizuo turned back towards the city, listening to the far-off noise of car engines, trains and the occasional siren. The silence stretched on until he couldn't stand it.
"Well?" he asked, the word coming out a little harsher than he intended, "aren't you going to say anything?"
"About what?" Shinra questioned, genuine curiosity in his voice.
"About this!" Shizuo faced the doctor incredulously, gesturing wildly with his hand, "about me almost killing him, about how we should be getting along or some bullshit, isn't he supposed to be your friend or something?"
"But you didn't kill him," Shinra turned to him, an odd tone in his voice, "Izaya can be difficult and I know you can't help how much you hate him, but Shizuo, you didn't kill him! Even though you're- well, anyway, I'm really glad you didn't."
"What do you mean-" Shizuo frowned, feeling like he was missing something, but Shinra wasn't paying attention anymore.
"Actually, you technically saved his life. Well… I mean you were the one who nearly killed him in the first place but still-"
"Yeah, about that," Shizuo interrupted, scowling now, "no one else ever hears about that, got it? I'm going home, and going to forget this whole stupid thing happened."
"But Shizuo," Shinra's voice took on an almost whiny aspect and as annoying as it was, Shizuo was secretly glad that the doctor was at least starting to sound more like himself.
"Seriously," Shizuo deadpanned, locking eyes with Shinra to make sure he understood, "don't tell anyone about this or I'll punch you."
"Ah… right," Shinra nodded, a half-nervous smile forming, "I won't tell a soul."
-DRRR-
…Ah… Shinra didn't mention that part…
Celty tapped out nervously on her phone.
"Honestly," Shizuo grunted, stretching his arms that had gone stiff with the cold, "I'm kind of glad I don't have to explain it to anyone. Still though… I feel like I should hit him out of principle."
Er… how about I hit him for you?
Shizuo leaned in to read the message, snorting in reply.
"Fine, I guess," he sighed, shoving his cold hands into his pockets. His side was starting to throb in earnest from where that punk had stabbed him and the cold wind was really starting to chill him.
What are you going to do about Izaya?
Celty questioned cautiously.
"Hopefully, avoid him for the rest of my life," Shizuo replied with a frown, "of course, knowing him, that's probably not going to happen."
What if you tried to talk to him?
"Huh?" Celty tapped out a message rapidly, as if worried she would lose her nerve halfway through. She showed it to Shizuo who had to double take to make sure he was reading the kanji correctly.
It's crazy, I know, but maybe you could apologize? I mean, you did almost kill him and all. Even if he maybe deserves it, someone has to be the better person and do it, right?
Shizuo laughed heartily, despite the pinching feeling of pulling stitches in his side.
"That's good, Celty," he chuckled, taking another inhale of sweet nicotine before noticing Celty's exaggerated drooped head and shoulders. "Shit. You're serious aren't you?"
You said you might be able to get along…
"But apologize to that asshole?! No way! He's the one that-"
Apologizing isn't about keeping score, it's about what you did.
Celty held up her phone defensively for a long moment, with Shizuo scowling at the screen until it went dark. The bodyguard ran a hand through his hair, turning away and letting out a long breath. Celty waited patiently as he paced through the freshly fallen snow, his long strides making small trenches in the white powder.
Can I really do that? He tried to imagine a life of coexistence with Izaya. Even being in the same room as him without hurling the nearest heavy object was difficult to picture. Something deep in the back of his mind resented the idea so vehemently it nearly made him feel sick. But…
"I'll think about it," he finally mumbled, not meeting Celty's gaze. When he finally looked up, Celty showed him her phone again.
I'm glad. Do you want a lift home? It's pretty cold out tonight.
"Yeah, that would be great," Shizuo nodded appreciatively. Celty formed a helmet for him out of her shadows and Shizuo climbed on behind her, noticing the messenger bag she had slung across her shoulder.
"Delivery job?" He questioned.
Something like that.
Celty acknowledged.
Hang on tight. Shooter handles the snow better than other bikes, but it's still slippery.
Shizuo grunted in reply as adjusted his grip. As the bike took off, he caught something move out of the corner of his eye. A figure, too far in the shadows to make out clearly watched attentively as they sped off. Shizuo craned his neck to see, but Celty had already taken the corner and the figure and his intense eyes disappeared from sight. Shizuo tried to tell himself it was nothing, but he couldn't quite make himself believe it.
A/N: The long overdue update is complete! As per usual, all of your support is greatly appreciated! As far as relationships in this story go, I'm still not 100% sure myself. Shizaya romance isn't in the original outline for this story, but with that said, I've changed it half a dozen times and it's not off the table either. We'll see where it goes, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯