Chapter 2: Nothing is guaranteed

The past 24 hours feel like a blur. It doesn't seem real to me at all. I've spent a good portion of my life being reckless and selfish to be honest. But I'm really ready to take the next step to build a real life. Not just for me but for my daughter. That starts with me making some real changes in my life. That opportunity came when Clarke told me about Anna. At the time I didn't know how much I needed or wanted to help her. But then I met her, and everything changed instantly. She has this undeniable light when you talk to her. Even though her situation is really bad right now...her optimism is incredible. I don't think I'd ever be able to find that amount of strength if the roles were reversed. Maybe people are right...maybe donors and recipients shouldn't meet. Because even though I just met her...the idea of watching her die, is impossible. When Clarke told me she took a turn for the worst...something crumbled inside me. For just a little while, I felt like maybe something good was going to come out of her situation and mine.

As Clarke walked away from me, I felt myself reverting to that painful place I've tried so desperately to crawl out of. But in a matter of hours everything had changed. It went from me having this false sense of hope...to it being the end before it even began at all. I can't even tell you for sure what happened after that, nor do I really want to relive it all again. But the second I see Lindsay and Voight at my door, I knew things weren't going to get better anytime soon. When they told me to come with them, all I could do was shake my head no in pure confusion. And then that small voice behind me made me fear what was going to happen.

"Daddy?" Lizzie says suddenly, making me turn around to face her.

"Hey. Everything is fine, sweetheart. I just have to go out for a little while...I'm gonna call Uncle Matt to come by, okay?" I tell her, not even convincing myself everything is going to be alright. I turn back to face Voight and Lindsay, as Lizzie runs to the couch.

"Kelly, we have to go." Voight repeats.

"Erin...please, take care of Lizzie. Call Casey and Dawson...just make sure she's safe, okay."

"Kelly, I got her. I promise." She tells me as I look back at my daughter one last time, grabbing my jacket and heading out the door with Voight behind me.

As the night progressed, things seemed to go from bad to worse. The more and more time I sat in the interrogation room, the more even I was convinced I was guilty. Not remembering the events of the night before, scared the hell out of me. I've had a lot of crazy nights in my lifetime, but this felt altogether different. It was like it wasn't even me. I had this entire blackout of the day before. Was I drugged? Was I still drunk? Did I kill that little girl? My mind kept on racing...unable to come up with the right conclusion. The more questions that got thrown at me, the bits and pieces came flooding back. But I still could not say for sure that I was innocent. The idea of me running away from an accident was absolutely insane. And that is the only piece of information I was able to hold on to. No matter what my state of mind has ever been, I've done my job. Off duty or not. I make the save when I see somebody in trouble. It's who I am. And the second I start doubting that...that's when I throw in the towel. That is the day they can lock me up and throw away the key. Because if I ever become that person...I will no longer serve this city. I will no longer be me. I will no longer exist.

The hours dragged on and a million thought ran through my mind. I thought about the important moments of my life. The ones that have already happened and the ones I am looking forward to one day. More than anything I spent the whole night thinking about Shay. I thought about how disappointed she'd be that I am constantly putting our daughter at risk. I'm sure in this moment she would have believed in me. She would have fought for me. But she's not here, so there is no point in thinking of the what ifs. It's just what is. I just kept thinking about Elizabeth and what if I went to prison. Where would that leave her? Without a mother and a father. I knew I needed to make these changes stick for real. Because for the first time in my life...I realized there was a reason why. When I saw Erin's face outside the gates of stateville, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. After everything we've been through good, bad, or otherwise...she still fought for me. And that will not go unnoticed.

"Thank you for believing in me." I tell her, as we walk away from the gates.

"Always." She says, and those words strike me hard...thinking of Shay.

"Thank you for making sure Lizzie was alright too. I can't imagine what she must think."

"Kelly, she's three. She doesn't think anything. Just that her dad is coming home to her tonight."

"Dad? Yeah, right. I am a terrible father."

"Kelly, don't say that."

"Why not? It's true. I won't deny that. I have spiraled out of control and never honestly found my way back after Shay died. I've grown used to it...but I don't think I'll ever get over it."

"No one expects you to."

"I do. I have no idea how to do any of this. Shay was the one that wanted the baby. She was the one that knew how she was gonna raise her. She was always supposed to be there. And now, that poor little girl is...stuck with me."

"No one knows what kind of parent they're going to be until it happens to them. She didn't know any more than you do. She was just your guidance. You'll figure it out."

"It's been years now, and I've relied on everybody around me to raise her. I can't do that anymore. I need to give her the life she deserves. Maybe...even give her a mother one day."

"Wow...is Kelly Severide actually maturing?"

"Very funny. Everyone has to grow up sometime. I'm just sorry it took so long for me to figure that out."

"Hey, if you ever need anything..."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you."

Walking out of that precinct, I knew there was one thing that started this whole thing. The thoughts have haunted me this past day and there was one place I needed to go. There was one person I needed to see today. As I walked through the doors of Chicago Med, a million things ran through my mind. What if I was too late? What if I couldn't help? I've never thought about that before. The day that I couldn't help. The day I didn't know how to. I tried to remember the strength that Anna showed me even though she was suffering, was what I needed to have now. I barely knew her...but at the same time, I feel like I always have. That might be weird to say, but somehow I felt instantly connected. Maybe it's our perfectly matched bone marrow. Maybe it's not. But regardless, I just needed to know how she was.

"Hey, I was wondering if Anna Turner was doing any better today?" I ask the nurse at sitting at the nurse's station.

"And you are?"

"Kelly Severide. I'm her bone marrow donor, or at least I'm supposed to be."

"Oh right. There's no change. And she's not excepting any visitors today."

"Okay, sure. Can you just tell her I was her?"

"Of course."

If she dies, everything that I've tried to do will be for nothing. This change I've been looking for won't happen. And this really incredible soul won't get that second chance. Right now, there is nothing I can do. I can just hope for the best and see what happens. Regardless, I have to go home to my daughter and try to be a better father to her. Because she deserves that much from me. If the past few days have taught me anything, it's that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. The choices I make today can affect the rest of my life. Maybe I do make a difference sometimes. I just hope I get that chance with Anna.