Chapter 3: Never been more sure

I always wondered what people meant when they said god never gives you more than you can handle. Far too many times in my life, I've struggled to except my circumstances. It just seems like everything happens all at once. For just one moment I had this unwavering sense of hope. And then the next, everything changed. I guess I've thought about that every single day since Shay died. I will never understand why it had to be her. I will never forget what her face looked like the last time I saw her. Still and dark. That image has haunted me ever since. I remember walking out of that building that day, and world just seemed to stop suddenly. At least my world did. I wondered for so long why I couldn't save her. And I knew deep in my heart that she had died instantly...never feeling any pain. Nothing that I possibly did that day would have saved her. But for me, I felt like my soul had been ripped out. She was more than just my friend. She was my family. She was the only person I could ever rely on 100 percent of the time. When she was gone, there was no hope left for me. I can remember not being able to look at Elizabeth for three whole weeks after. Hermann had picked her up from the sitter that cold, dark day. Then between everybody at the house, they took care of her. They loved her. Even when I couldn't. Because every time I thought about seeing her face...I knew I'd be staring into Shay's. I couldn't handle that. And to be honest, there's some days I still can't.

I've fallen short a million times in my life before. But no one ever relied on me before. No one cared if I didn't come home for weeks at a time. If I slipped into this dark place, it didn't matter. I could go on my benders and hop on a plane out of town just to lose myself in the whirlwind of it. But suddenly every move I made mattered in her life. It's a scary thing...being a father. I thought I could handle it, when I thought Shay was going to be the one there every day of her life. Not that I didn't want to be, honestly I did. But when I first agreed to help Shay have the baby...it was for her to have a child, not me. It was for her to feel like she had this purpose. She didn't need or necessarily want me there 24 hours a day. And I knew if I needed time away she'd give that to me. She just wanted this child, my full time involvement was never really discussed. In that one moment, all that changed. And the more I think about it now, it wasn't that I couldn't be responsible. It's that I was scared to ever have anybody need me that much. That's why I spent so many days struggling to survive without her. I did rely on her to be my best friend every day...even when I didn't deserve it. I lost this light, guidance, and hope in my life.

As I'm laying in this hospital bed, just thankful that I didn't paralyze myself by jumping out that window, I can't help but think of that day. Because that's the day I lost hope in myself. Just a few hours ago I actually thought I was finally going to get a piece of that back. Anna was doing better, thankfully, and I'd get the chance to save her life. Then, I ran into that building and got myself trapped. I saw no way out...I didn't have minutes to spare. I had no choice, I had to repel out that window. I was conscious till I hit the ground and everything else is black. When I woke up, I saw Clarke and a few other doctors surrounding me. I knew I was in trouble. I didn't realize just how much until my tests came back and he gave me the bad news. I was no longer eligible to donate because of my injuries. By the time I would recover...Anna would be dead. The guilt in my stomach and my heart was overwhelming.

I was supposed to be the one to save her. I wanted her to have that second chance. She is the one that deserved to be okay. I had to see her. I had to tell her how sorry I was..how much I cared. As she went on about how I'm already a hero...my heart broke even more. This selfless, amazing woman wasn't going to get to live because of me. I've been a firefighter since I was 18 years old. I risked everything from day one and didn't give a damn about the consequences. I just had to make the save...I needed to save those lives. I quickly realized that you can't save everybody. Some live...some don't. It's a harsh reality but it's the nature of the job. No matter how hard you fight for it..things don't always turn out the way you hope. But this one time, I just wanted to make the difference. I wanted to do this selfless act, after living so unbelievably selfish most of my life. This was the thing I needed to change my life once and for all. But in one moment, it was all gone. As I looked into Anna's beautiful kind blue eyes, I couldn't hold back my emotions. I'm not one for showing my feelings, with good reason. But the connection I had with this woman, after only knowing her a few days, was undeniable. I feel like I've known her forever. I feel like her story can't be over. She has so much to give the world, and I just don't get why life is so unfair. Her acceptance of her circumstances is noble to say the least. She knows what's coming next. She knows this is the end of her road. And whatever comes next...she will be okay. In that moment, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I let the tears stream down my face, as they welled up in her eyes as well. Whatever could have been for her...for me, was never going to be.

"Kelly...don't." Anna said to me, as the tears rolled down my face. "You did everything you could...It's just over."

"It shouldn't be. You deserve better."

"That's not your choice to make. And I'll tell you...I think I've made my mark on this world. I've been a nurse for over 10 years. I got to see kids live when the odds were stacked against them. I got to hold the hands of parents as their child took their last breath. It hasn't always been glamorous...but it mattered. And if I died tomorrow...or next week, next month. It will have been for something."

"How can you be so strong?"

"Sometimes you have to accept that there are some things in this life you can't control. I've fought for a long time...I'm tired. And if this is the end of the journey, then it is. There's nothing I can do to change that. I've loved...I've lost...I've made a difference. In my opinion, that's a life well lived."

"You know you remind me of my best friend."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, she was strong willed...kind,forgiving to a fault. And at the end of the day had the biggest heart of anybody I have ever known."

"She sounds great. What's her name?"

"It was...Shay."

"Was?"

"Um...she died three years ago. She was a paramedic."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too. It was a bad call...arson actually. She shouldn't been in there...if they stayed outside, maybe it wouldn't have happened. But it was pretty instant. A blow to the head."

"Kelly...I am so sorry." She says, and I look into her eyes. For just a moment, I felt this peace wash over us. Like none of this was happening. Suddenly the door opens, and her nurse appears.

"Anna...it's time for some radiation." She tells her.

"Okay." She tells her, never breaking the eye contact with me. "Kelly...you should rest. You have to heal yourself now, okay? Don't worry about any of this anymore. It's over. But I do want you to know how grateful I am for what you tried to do for me. I'll carry that with me."

As I walk out of her room, and back to mine...I can't help but think of what I could have done differently. I look up and see Dawson and Casey waiting for me. They try keeping the conversation light but can tell something is bothering me. When Dawson tells me about the medical reasons...or lack there of, of why they won't go through with the procedure I realize that maybe this isn't over after all. I'm a fighter. Always have been, always will be. I am not going down this easily. And I am certainly not going to let anybody else make my decisions for me. Liability is a poor excuse...I have the right to make the choice for my own health.

"Severide...you do understand what you're saying, right? I mean, you did hit your head pretty hard after that fall." Casey asks me, looking a little concerned.

"I know exactly what I'm saying. My cognitive ability has not been compromised. I will do everything in power to make sure Anna doesn't die. And if I don't, I know one thing is for sure...she will."

"Think about it, Kelly. This is a dangerous thing you're talking about." Dawson adds, acting as though I've lost my mind.

"I don't care."

"Well, what about your daughter? Are you willing to take away the only parent she does have?"

"Dawson, you're being little dramatic. I may be willing to subject myself to the pain of it...but I'm certainly not going to die. I'm going to save a life. And you can tell her that. You can tell her I will be home in no time. And when I do, I'm going to be a better father than I've ever been. I'm ready to make the commitment and change to be a real father to her."

"Kelly...you are her father." Casey assures me.

"I've never really acted like it. And I know that. I've let you guys and Hermann, Boden...raise her for too long. As soon as I get out of here, it's my responsibility once and for all. I owe it her...and I owe it to Shay."

"Wow...I've never heard you talk like that before. But I'm glad to hear it. And it really is a great thing you're trying to do here. Do whatever you need to. Lizzie is safe and sound with us for as long as you need." Dawson tell me.

"Thank you. I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to repay. Now, if you don't mind...I have some people to talk to. To push this procedure forward."

"Kelly, you better be sure about this?" Casey asks one last time.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Excuse me..." I say, as I walk out. Trying to remember if I know where Chief of the hospital's office is. This may be dangerous and painful...but it's my choice to make. And I need to give Anna the real chance she truly deserves, not matter what the cost.