Chapter 4: Acceptance

Anna's POV

Acceptance is the hardest of all human actions. We live this life, taking for granted the simple things. The moments that made us laugh...cry...be happy. For some of us we will live our entire life and never appreciate the true magic of any of it. And it's only when it's over that we realize it was an amazing life. And we're better for it. Even if it is cut a little bit short. If every day is lived with the grace, confidence, and happiness life has to offer...then there will be no regrets when those last few days come upon us. Life is a series of unbelievably rare days. For too many of them we wonder along going about the mundane part of our life. The days turn into weeks, that turn into months and years. Then we look back and it's as if every thing is a huge blur of events. Today I know it's almost over. I've realized that it doesn't matter if you are optimistic about the future or not. In the end it doesn't really matter. We can't control everything that happens to us. For me, I don't blame any one for my circumstances. It just is what it is. Do I wish I had more time? Are there still things left for me to do? Are there experiences I'll never have? Of course there are. I believe there is always something more to do on this planet. But for me, I feel like my 33 years were just not enough. I've made mistakes. I've been afraid to take chances. I've sheltered my heart. I've helped and cared for people that didn't deserve it. I've run scared from bigger and better opportunities. And today as I realize nothing more can be done for me...I wish I had taken every last chance. I wish I had put my career aside and fallen in love. And I don't mean just love somebody...I mean that once in a lifetime love. The one that makes your heart race in the most incredible, life altering way. I know I'll never get that chance now. I'll never have a family. And if there is one thing that I will regret when I take my last breath...it's that.

I've had a lot of ups and downs since I've been sick. I've had good days and a lot of bad ones. But I never gave up hope that I was going to come out the other side stronger and greater than I was before. I never once thought about my mortality...as if it wasn't even a possibility. But over the past few months, as my condition became more dire...I've realized sometimes you just lose. Being a nurse made me know more than I should about what was happening to me. I've watched my extremely young patients die from the disease...I've watch a lot live too. I don't think I ever thought I was special. That it wasn't going to happen to me. But in the back of my mind it was always there. Last week, if only for a moment, those words I've waited more than a year to hear finally happened. They found a match. A one hundred percent, no doubt match. And this sense of relief and thanks washed over me. And I knew the prep to receive it was going to brutal...but I was ready. More ready than I have ever been.

The second I met Kelly Severide, I felt like they were right...I got the perfect donor. He's an incredible human being. He saves people every day, never looking for anything in return. It's just who he is. And that passion he feels for the danger and risk of it all is what makes his blood flow. At first I could tell he was nervous, but that quickly faded and I felt like we were building this instant bond. One that was going to grow stronger once the procedure happened. As they prepped me, I could feel myself getting weaker. As if I was fading away a little bit at a time. And as much I wanted to keep fighting I was tired. It wasn't helping anything...I was getting worse. And there were these couple hours, I actually thought it was the end. The in and out of consciousness...the trouble breathing, nausea. It was consuming me.

Then, as per the advice of my doctors and family, I rested and kept a positive mind that all those feelings were gonna pass and I'd be okay. Within 24 hours, my counts did rise and they were able to continue my treatment. I felt like for a moment, everything was going to work out. But when I saw Clarke come in my room this morning, I knew something was wrong. And he is the absolute worst at playing it cool. As he told me about Kelly's accident, all I could think was if he was alright. I was relieved to hear he was going to be okay, but also that he suffered some severe injuries that would prevent him from being able to donate. As the news went from bad to worse, I knew in my heart that this was the end of the road. He was my last hope...there was nobody else out there. I was going to die. As hard as that is to admit to yourself, there is something so freeing. I've spent the past year and a half going through treatment after treatment. Hoping something would cure me. But it's just worn me down...and here I am today just realizing that the last thing in this world to have is true acceptance.

When I saw Kelly at my door, only hours after Clarke had told me he was in the ER, I was more than a little surprised. The pain in his eyes was fresh and genuine. He apologized for not being careful. But I know that a true firefighter never thinks about that danger, they just do the job. As I tried to reassure him that everything was working out the way it was supposed to, his emotions were getting the best of him. I could tell he had a huge amount of guilt over not being able to save me. It's pretty amazing the amount of dedication and selflessness he had in going through with this. As I grabbed his hand, I felt this connection that I will take with me. He did everything he could to help me. I will forever be grateful to him. While I looked into his eyes, feeling his pain along with my own, I just really did believe that everything was gonna be okay. That whatever comes next...it's what was meant to be. Yet, what happened next would change all of that. I came back from another treatment, trying to sleep for just a little while. Knowing that the weakness and exhaustion was only going to get worse. I see Clarke standing at my door and all I can think is...what now?

"Anna, can I come in?"

"Of course. What can I do for you?"

"I have some news."

"No offense, but I'm really not in the mood for any more bad news. I'm just done."

"Well, you better get back up because you're having the transplant."

"What are you talking about? You found another match?"

"Not exactly. Kelly...is going through with the procedure."

"What? I thought his injuries were too severe."

"They are...technically."

"Then how...?"

"He can't receive any anesthesia. But he's going to do it without any."

"Is he out of his mind? You can't let him do that. I know exactly what this procedure entails...without anesthesia it would be impossible to take."

"Well, Kelly Severide doesn't know that word." He tells me, pulling a chair closer to me. "Look, I have known Severide for a long time. He never walks away from a save. He is one of the strongest, most clear minded men I've ever know. I swear if you ever saw him in a burning building...the split second decisions he makes are absolutely unbelievable."

"How do you know all that?"

"I used serve under him..with him."

"You're a firefighter?"

"I was. Until I got hurt last year...ended my career. But the reason I'm telling you all this is I've known a lot of versions of Kelly Severide. He can be selfish, stubborn, arrogant beyond belief...but no matter what he risks everything, every time. But what he wants to do for you...it's more than I ever thought he was capable of."

"Then why is he doing this?"

"You'd have to ask him. But this is sort of why we try to steer donor, recipient interaction. He got to know you...he cares about you. I can see it in his eyes. He's not going stand by and watch you fade away. You matter to him...and for whatever the reason is it's a good thing for you."

"When he was here earlier..I could see the pain and disappointment in his eyes. But I never thought he'd subject himself to this kind of pain."

"I have a feeling the actual pain part is exactly what he's been aiming for."

"What do you mean?"

"He wants to make a change in his life. He's had a lot of ups and downs over the past few years. More than any one person deserves. He wants to find purpose in his life. Maybe..you're it."

"Clarke...you have to let me see him. I have to tell him he doesn't have to do this."

"Too late. He's already being prepped. I'm heading to do the procedure myself. I promise, everything is going to be fine. Just rest...you're going to need all the strength you can get to receive the transplant. I'll let you know when it's over."

"Okay. Tell Kelly...thank you."

"I will. I'll see you a little later, Anna." He says, walking out the door.

After he leaves, I let the tears run down my face. I'm really not sure why I'm crying. A little for myself...a little for Kelly. I honestly can't believe he is willing to do this, against all odds. The pain he's going to be in is more than I would ever be able to bear, I know that much. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay him for everything he has done for me. I'm still asking myself, but why? I know he told me he wants to start living a life without regrets. But this above and beyond what I thought he meant. I guess I just have be grateful and take all this one day at a time. Because the road is not over. There's a long way to go for me...but for the first time in a long time, I'm ready for it.