Chapter 5: This Moment
There is nothing that can describe the feeling you get from making a difference. Sometimes it's psychological, in thinking that you can change the life of somebody else. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, it becomes a reality better than you could have ever imagined. I've spent a long time wondering if what I've done has made a difference. I've been to thousands of accident scenes...fires, sometimes no matter what you do people die. I've tried so hard for so many years, not to let it get to me. I've tried to be strong and focused. Whatever happens, I did all I could. But at the end day, we're all human. On the job, we feel more intensely than anybody on the planet. Life and death is a natural part of what we do. But, what if I made one choice differently? What if I went left instead of right? What if I slowed down? What if I had more time? There have been a hundred times I've left a shift and had those thoughts running through my mind. No matter what, you can't change it. There's nothing left to do except move forward. Over the years, the people lost...the people saved start to blend together. You forget all their names and faces. Because each time you go out, another one takes their place. But once in a while, you're able to make a save...maybe the best you'll ever do and it changes everything. It changes your life. What I did today for Anna...is that moment for me.
Let me start by saying, I've never felt the need to fight as hard for anything as I did today. I guess it's true what they say, a donor should never meet their recipient. I spent just a few days getting to know her and I could not bear to watch her die. Especially since I knew I was the only one that could save her life. When I was told I'd be able to do this, with a lot of risks involved, I didn't hesitate. I needed to do this. Not just for her, but for me too. I've spent too long not doing the right thing. Maybe this all started out as me trying to find this purpose...something to make my life worthwhile. But it turned into something so much more. This wasn't about me and my selfish ways. This wasn't about me turning to my dark place, and wanting to fill up with as much pain as I could bear. This was about an amazing woman, with so much to offer the world, slowly slipping away. Her grace and acceptance of her circumstances is incredible. As I looked into her eyes, I could feel the pain start to hit me. I've never wished I'd taken care of myself, more than I did in that moment. The way she tried to make me feel better...I had to wonder why? I had to wonder what made her be okay with dying. Was it she was tired of fighting? Was it that there was no hope left? Was it that she really thought somebody else was calling the shots? Whatever the reason, I couldn't hold back my emotion. I needed a plan and quick. As if it was almost fate, Dawson spit out the true reason I was held back from donating. From there I knew there had to be a way. This was no one's decision but my own. The fight to get here was a hard one to say the least. You never realize how much a hospital will cover their own ass until it happens to you. Liability on their part I guess makes sense, but not when it comes to my life...or Anna's. Eventually, whatever it is that Clarke did, they allowed me to sign about a hundred papers to consent to the surgery. I didn't care what it was, I would sign a thousand times if it meant I could do this.
Now the general idea of them drilling into your hip to remove bone marrow may sound a bit daunting. That is with the anesthesia. Without it? Well, it was more painful than even I ever could have imagined. There was a few times throughout that I thought I would just pass out from the pain, which I figured might actually be a good thing. Just when I would think things are getting better, he would go further in. It was bad. I will admit that much. But all I had to look at was the bigger picture. Yes, I would probably be in pain for a while. But Anna would have the chance to never feel the pain and suffering again. That is all that has ever mattered through this whole process. And going through all this, has made my life have purpose. I know that from here, I will be the best man I know how. The best father I know how. At the end of the day, the clarity I finally have on my life, is all that will ever matter from here on out. The good thing after was that the pain medication they were able to give me, at least knocked me out for a while. When I did come to, the pain hit me fast and hard. It's very hard to describe the kind of pain it was. It almost paralyzes you. It hurts to even think about moving a single finger. Breathing was difficult at times. But I knew, especially after seeing Anna, that it was all for a greater good. The amount of gratitude and hope she suddenly had...made it all worth it. As I watched her being wheeled to surgery, there was this sense of relief and satisfaction. Everything that I did...good, bad, or otherwise led to this moment.
A few hours later, I actually started to feel human again. I started slowly sitting up and the pain was becoming more tolerable. It went from a stabbing, burning...to more uncomfortable than anything else. Which made me realize I was going in the right direction. When Clarke came in and said Anna had come out of surgery, I knew I needed to see her. Getting up was difficult, but I forced myself.
"Hey, can I come in?" I asked, knocking on her door.
"Yeah, of course you can. What are you doing up so soon?"
"Oh I can't just be laying around too long. It's not good for me."
"I'm not sure that's true."
"I'm fine, really. How are you feeling?"
"Pretty good so far. Not as worn down I don't think. Guess there's something in that bone marrow."
"I'm so happy to hear that."
"Kelly, were you out of your mind to do this? I mean, no anesthesia really? That was dangerous."
"I'm fine. And I told you I wanted to help. I wasn't going to stand by and watch you die."
"Why? I mean, you barely know me."
"I didn't know you when I agreed to do this either. I made a commitment to do this for you...I didn't want to let you down. And for whatever the reasons are...I care. And Because it's not who I am not to help if I can. It hurt a bit. But I will never regret what I did."
"You are an incredible man, Kelly Severide."
"Thank, Anna. But I haven't always been. I've done a lot things I regret in my life. I've made mistakes and bad choices."
"Haven't we all?"
"Maybe. But my life has spiraled a little out of control the past few years, especially."
"Why is that? Sorry if I'm over stepping."
"No, not at all." I say, pulling a chair over to the side of her bed. "I guess, from the minute Shay died nothing made sense anymore."
"Your best friend, right?"
"I got to tell you, I've never had a better friend in my whole life. She believed in me every day, even when I didn't deserve it. And trust me, there were a lot of times I didn't. And there have been a hundred since then that I know she'd be disappointed in."
"I'm sure that's not true. She sounds like she had a faith in you, you don't even have in yourself. And plus, you're a hero."
"Not really. I mean, maybe in my professional life it can seem like that sometimes. My job will always push me to my limits. At all cost I will make a save. But outside of that, that's a different story."
"Until now maybe. What you did for me...I will never forget that. And I don't care who you used to be. I don't care about the bad choices you've made. I care about who you are today."
"Really?"
"Of course."
"Thanks. Because I have really struggled to be the man I've wanted to be. The father I've wanted to be."
"Wait, you have child?"
"Oh, yeah I do...a daughter."
"What's her name?"
"It's Elizabeth."
"That's beautiful. So...are you married then?"
"No. She is actually Shay's."
"So, your best friend...was also your wife?"
"God, no. She was gay, actually. And she really wanted to have a baby. She asked for my help and after some soul searching, I agreed. But this was always supposed to be her baby. She was the one that wanted it so badly. Not that I didn't...because the second Lizzie was born everything was different. But Shay knew what she was doing. She was going to raise her and in some strange way we were going to be a family. Then, in one instant it was over. Lizzie was only three months old. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anything about raising a baby. It was always Shay's thing...she was a natural."
"I'm so sorry, Kelly."
"Ever since I've struggled a lot. Thankfully I have a lot of really great people in my life. My entire firehouse family have pretty much raised her ever since. When I lost control, they have been there for her. You know, at first I had a hard time looking at her even. Over time, I've tried to get over it. But I've always kind of felt like I'm not enough. That I can be enough for her. But now, I just want to be better. To do everything I can to be the best father I can be. She deserves to have a least one parent."
"That's amazing. I'm sure you're an amazing father, you believe it or not. Where is she now?"
"My friend Matt and his wife are taking care of her. They are amazing...I know she's safe and happy when she's there."
"Do you have a picture of her?"
"You know, they actually just sent me a picture a little while ago. There she is."
"She's beautiful, Kelly. She has your eyes."
"Thank you. She's amazing, she is. I just haven't taken the time to appreciate all of it."
"I'm sure she knows how much you love her. And one day, she'll know everything you did for her mother. It will mean everything."
"Sorry for dumping all this on you. I don't even know why I did."
"I'm glad you did. We're connected now. And I'm happy to get to know you better."
"Yeah, me too." I say, looking into her incredible blue eyes. And at that moment, I feel this overwhelming feeling of happiness. This connection I feel to Anna is growing the more time I spend with her. And now that I told her a lot about my life, it may only get deeper from here. That scares me a little, but I don't know there's just something about her. I like spending time with her and I want to get to know her better. That's kind of exciting to me because of how comfortable I feel with her. Maybe she's right...we really are connected now.