Chapter 7: Stay

It's pretty incredible the way my entire life has turned around lately. I don't know if it was nearly going to jail or helping Anna...but whatever the reason, I feel like this new person. I feel like my mind and heart have opened to new things and a better future for the first time since I lost Shay. I accepted that I'm never going to get over losing her, but I've definitely gotten used to it. Every time I see our daughter, I see Shay. That's never going to change. And I swear she acts and looks like her more and more every single day. In a lot of ways that makes me so happy. That makes me feel like I'm never really going to lose her completely...she's not really gone. I can watch Lizzie grow and have her mother be a part of her forever. Yet, I think seeing and knowing that makes it even harder to move forward. Yet, lately I've really been finding this newfound strength in myself I never knew existed. I think I really needed this wake up call. I needed to take responsibility for my daughter. I needed to get my life on track, so she can have at least one parent to rely on. And I needed to somehow find a life worth living again. As some crazy twist of fate would have it, donating to Anna was just that. She's been this incredible light added to my life. She's exactly what I never knew I needed. I've come to rely on her in my life in the short amount of time I've known her. I'm starting to wonder whether that's a good thing or not. Because thankfully she is finally getting better. The downfall...she's going to be leaving soon, like within the next few days. A part of me really wishes I could give her a reason to stay. I don't think I've ever felt as comfortable with anybody as I do with her. I've fallen for her harder than I ever thought was possible, and that scares me a lot. It's the thing I've always been scared to experience, because losing yet another person from my life is not what I need right now. But like it or not,it happened.

To finally find this person that I feel such a connection to is the best feeling in the entire world. I can't stop smiling or laughing when she's around. I can't remember if I've ever felt this way about anybody before. And that's saying a lot since I was engaged and even briefly married once. But I don't even think in combination, the Renee's could ever come close to comparing to Anna. She has let me into her life and I know in my heart that I'm better for it. She's amazing with Lizzie too. I've never really liked the idea of people going in and out of her life. I know that since she's been born there have been very few people I would have even considered bringing into her life. I always hated that when I was a kid. My dad had a different girlfriend or wife every other week and I always thought he was so selfish for bringing them all into my life. So I promised myself I'd never do that to my own children, and I haven't. Now, I'm not sure it counts or not because Anna and I are really only friends right now, but it still feels unfair that she's grown somewhat attached to her in only the past few weeks she's known her. And now I know that she's gearing up to leave and I get it, I do. She has her own life to get back to...one she's barely known she's been sick so long. I guess I just really wish her life could include me in it.

"Hey, come on let's go for a ride." I tell my guys and head towards our truck.

"Where are you headed?" Casey asks, coming up behind me.

"Just have something I need to do. No worries, radios are on."

"You're going to see, Anna?" He asks and I don't answer. "Look, man isn't she leaving soon? Maybe it's time to just let her. Don't get me wrong, I think what you did for her is the most incredible thing in the world. But don't let this hero high go to your head."

"I'm not. I care about her. Maybe more than I've ever cared about anybody. And I don't get it, Casey...you found your person, why don't I have the right to try to do the same?"

"Who are you and what did you do with Kelly Severide? Since when did you turn into some romantic?"

"Very funny."

"So what, you think the two of you are like soulmates?"

"I don't know. I don't even know if I believe in that. My point is I want the chance to figure that out. We are a perfect match...maybe there's more to it than just bone marrow."

"Maybe there is. I just...be careful, Kelly. You tend to leap before you look and I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Thanks for the concern, Casey. But I think I can take care of myself."

"Sometimes I'm not so sure. And besides it's not just about you. Lizzie is getting attached to her, I know you see it happening. In a lot of ways that's great. Anna's amazing with her...I just don't want her to be devastated when she goes back home."

"I know. I've been thinking about that a lot. I've never brought anybody into her life. For a million different reasons. But I think the main thing has been that I don't want her to feel like her mother is being replaced."

"Hey, that's never going to happen. But the truth is she'll never really know Shay. She may not understand it for a long time who she really was. She only knows that she's not here."

"I know. And look, I don't know what's going to happen with me and Anna...but lately I've realized how much Lizzie really does deserve to have a mom. Maybe one day she can experience that. I want her to know that Shay is her mother and she is watching over her every single day. But I think the more she grows, the more she's going to need a woman to help her through. As much as I try...I can't be Shay."

"I know. But I think you really are turning things around and that's amazing."

"Anna has taught me a lot about life. Tomorrow is not a guarantee, sometimes bad things happen and you can't stop it. I want to live like there's no tomorrow. And I think I really want to see what could happen between us."

"I get it. You're right...go for it, Severide. You deserve to happy more than anybody."

"Thank you. I appreciate the concern and all, even if I don't always say it."

"I know." He says, and I climb into squad.

I walked into the hospital today, knowing this may be one of the last times I come here to see her. I started down to her room with this sense of determination. Like maybe if I said the right thing, I could convince her to stay. Because as much as we've tried to scoot around the issue, we both feel something here. It's not just in my imagination, I know that much. If only we had more time to get to know each other better, maybe this new feel on life I've finally gotten can start a new life for both of us. If only I could find the right thing to say.

"Hey, I thought I wasn't gonna see you till after your shift."

"I know."

"What, were you afraid I was gonna leave without saying goodbye or something?"

"No."

"What's going on?"

"Don't go back to Springfield."

"Why not?"

"Come on you feel it too. There's something here." I tell her and I see it in her eyes that she can't deny it. "Stay in town a while. There's great doctors here, I'm here...let's figure it out."

"You know you've only known me as like this sick girl lying in a hospital bed. That's not me...this is me." She tells me, pointing to a framed picture of her rock climbing.

"I know, that's who I always saw there. Look, this isn't all about me either."

"What do you mean?"

"My daughter has grown a tad attached to you, you know?"

"Yeah, I have too."

"Since Shay died, I've never brought anybody in Elizabeth's life. Nobody that wasn't going to be there. Friends or otherwise. I never wanted her to rely on somebody to be there...and then have them disappear. Because I know how that feels. My dad did that to me constantly growing up and it sucked. And I get it, this is all on me. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her here. But I did and now I can't get her to stop talking about you. And she refused to let me take her hair out of that braid you did for her last night."

"I like spending time with her too. She's an incredible kid, Kelly."

"Look, I know you have a life to get back to. But you can't deny there's a connection here."

"It's probably a little more than that."

"See...just give me a chance." I tell her and she looks like she might give in.

"Squad 3, can you take in a medical assist at 2175 west 18th street?" I hear come over my radio, interrupting the moment.

"Copy that main." I reluctantly say, not really wanting to leave right this minute.

"They're gonna discharge me at 10am."

"I'll be here." I tell her and then decide that it's now or never. There's obviously not going to be too many chances left to take, so why wait. I impulsively pull her into a kiss and am really happy when she doesn't pull way. "Just think about it, Anna." I tell her, looking into her eyes a moment longer before waling out the door to go back to work.

I don't know if it was enough to convince her to stay. She has a job and people to get back to. And I wish more than anything that Springfield wasn't as far as it is. Because for the first time, maybe ever, I want to take this chance. I want to possibly start something real and genuine. I've never let myself ever do that and that's where this severe fear creeps up on me. But my daughter deserves a real future and that includes me putting my best foot forward and building a life for us. Maybe in the end it will just be the two of us against the world. If I lose Anna...I guess I'll figure out a way to move on because no matter what I will always have my daughter. And while I'm scared of what is next, knowing that is the greatest feeling in world. Children really do change your entire world. For the first time, I think I finally understand what Shay meant by it. She wanted somebody to love her unconditionally and rely on her forever. That can be a lot to handle, but I finally think it's most incredible thing to happen to anybody.