This is pure angst. I have no idea why I came up with the idea, but it suddenly appeared while I was watching 4x09 after they announced the conclave and before they showed Octavia arriving at Polis. You can say I really love angst way too much and I think you'll know why. Enjoy the pain and the tears just as I did lmao.
By the way, I assumed that they were going to fight in an arena similar to the arena where Lexa and Roan fought.
She was awoken by the loud cheering spilling through the open window beside her bed. The sound of metal swords clinking followed. That made her frown as she sat up on her bed, her head feeling light.
Was that the -
She stood up with wobbly feet to peek out the window. People gathered around the arena, cheering and shouting for their own clans. In the middle, she could see 13 figures standing around in a circle as Gaia, the flame keeper, spoke in the middle. It was far from the tower, but she could make out the outline of one of the champions that seemed familiar. Too familiar.
Her stomach dropped as her chest tightened. She held her breath in anticipation and wished that her eyes were only fooling her. They must be. He couldn't possibly have done that, could he? They already talked about it, and she was so sure that he had no objections to Octavia's decision to fight for Skaikru. So that couldn't be him right?
Her legs brought her down to the ground floor of the tower. She quickly made her way towards the crowd, pushing herself between people. Her mind raced with millions of thoughts, all hoping that what she saw wasn't real, that her eyes were deceiving her, that this was all just a dream.
When she finally reached the arena, everything crashed down.
She was wrong. Her eyes weren't deceiving her.
It was real.
Bellamy was in the arena, trying to fight off the other warriors.
The noise around her faded into the pounding of her heart. Her body froze, her knuckles white with her fists clenched tight. Everything slowed down and everything else did not matter. Everyone around her disappeared. The cheering, the spitting, the curses. All that was left was the arena that held the one person that matters.
Her mind could not process what was happening when all she could see was him. It was one of the longest minutes of her life as she watched him circle around the edge of the arena, only lunging forward when he sees an opening. Somehow, he was part of the 8 remaining warriors in the conclave when he managed to pierce his sword into one of the warriors. That brought a sense of hope that, by some miracle, he might succeed.
There was also a sense of hopelessness that there was nothing she could do to stop this madness. She could only watch and hope and pray to all the gods that Bellamy would come out of it alive. He had to.
At that instant, everything suddenly started to go downhill. Three of the remaining warriors decided to team up against Bellamy. He was clearly unmatched with the way he was holding his blade and with how tired he looked as if he could drop in any second. All three lunged simultaneously, leaving Bellamy no room to escape, and everything slowed down. Her heart pounded.
Thud.
Bellamy managed to sidestep, causing a hit to miss.
Thud.
Yet he was able to lower his guard and the blade of the other dug into his arm.
Thud.
Another one moved, raising his blade for a strike. Clarke swore her heart stopped at that moment until Luna suddenly stepped into the fight and drove her sword to the one closes to her. That was enough for Bellamy to get a hit on another. Luna started to move and battle the two warriors as Bellamy caught his breath.
It all happened so fast.
Luna threw one to the ground, grabbing the long blade he held. She was handling the other one pretty well, her movements fast and fluid. The warrior was strong as well, parrying her hits and managing to land his own attacks. No one noticed the other one that rose from the ground, a small blade glinting under the bright sun. No one saw him except Bellamy.
A scream ripped from her throat.
His eyes flicked to hers as he slowly fell to his knees. Everything faded into white. Her ears rang with the loud gushing of her blood. Her chest tightened with the weight of what happened, of what was to come.
His tanned skin now painted with red stains of blood. There was a large bruise on his left cheek. His bottom lip was cracked open, dried with blood. Scratches ran all over his face.
But, god, his warm brown eyes bore into hers and they softened, making her heart churn. His lips curved up into a small smile. She stood there frozen in shock as she saw life slipped past his body, as his eyes grew cold, as his lips parted as if his soul had departed.
He fell onto the ground, and everything came back. The shouts and sounds of blades clinking and rocks crushing under heavy boots blasted into her ears. The angry sun burned her skin and filled her vision. She hadn't even realized that she was getting pushed around by the people around her. Someone had pushed her and her knees gave away, causing her to fall down hard onto the ground. The sounds were replaced by the loud pounding of her heart.
Bellamy.
With all her strength, she pushed herself to stand, hurling everyone out of the way. Somehow she had managed to shake off the people that blocked her path until she jumped over the edge of the arena. Shouts erupted behind her as she was grabbed by multiple hands. She barely heard her name being called. Her mom was whispering things beside her as Kane held her back. Yet she could not hear a word she said, she could not see anything else but him. All she had to do was get to him.
She pushed forward and forward until she found herself staring at his bloodied face.
And her heart shattered to pieces.
Suddenly, everything became meaningless. Everything became worthless as she wished her own life would not fade away through time without him by her side.
Her fingers traced over his face. His soft hair that would stick on his forehead with sweat. His eyes that would make her feel so warm. His perfectly arched nose dusted with freckles. His angular jaw that would clench whenever he was thinking. His cupid's bow lips that gave her the brightest and best smiles in the world.
Eyes that would never look at her with so much warmth and love again. Curly hair that she would never get to see again. Arms that would never make her feel safe again. Hands that she would never have to hold on to. His deep voice that would never call her name again, that she'd never hear again.
Lips that she'd never get to kiss.
She leaned down slowly until she pressed her lips onto his. His soft lips that would never move against hers and tell her that she wasn't alone, that he needed her just as much as she needed him, that he...
A sob escaped her lips as her hands found his bigger one. All that she could do was silently hope that his hands didn't feel as cold as they were now. That when she opened her, he'd be looking back at her with guilt for making her worry. That his lips would move against her and his arms would wrap around her waist, pulling her over him. That he would tell her that everything was alright as he smirked at her as if mocking her for worrying so much about him.
But none of those would come through. They would never ever come true.
Tears poured down her face as her heart clenched at the sudden realization. She loved him. Far too much that and she had never realized that until now, until it was too late. Bellamy Blake became her everything without her even knowing that he was. He was her person, her partner, her everything. She shouldn't have let him go. She shouldn't have left him. They could have done it together. They could have been together.
The regret that sat on her heart started to turn into anger. Anger for what had happened. Anger towards herself. Anger towards the world.
Her screams filled the air, completely oblivious to the chosen champion of the conclave and the future of her people. All she could see was the lifeless body of Bellamy Blake as his brown eyes stared back at her coldly. All she could feel was his cold skin on hers and the burning feeling of losing someone as important as him. All she could hear was the loud thumping of her heart.
Then came the endless silence inside her. There was a giant hole inside her chest that ripped the one thing that kept her grounded in this mad world. No thoughts crossed her mind. No feelings.
Nothing.
She hadn't even felt that Kane had dragged her back to the tower and barely understood what her mother had said that night as she sat by the fire. Luna had won and took the flame. She decided to divide the slots equally for the 13 clans, but Clarke did not hear a word she said. The wet tears of Abby fell on her cheeks as she embraced Clarke, silently whispering words of comfort that went unnoticed by Clarke.
It was when she was left alone in her room that she had returned to her senses. There was an emptiness that she could not comprehend. It felt so different.
Losing Wells was filled with regret that she hadn't tried harder in mending their relationship.
Losing Finn was moved with guilt as she held the knife that would finally end his torment.
Losing Lexa was an explosion that shocked her with the blink of an eye.
And Bellamy?
Losing Bellamy felt like a void had opened up inside her as if she had lost a part of herself.
Everywhere she looked, she could see the blood blossoming on his chest, the weariness along the lines of his face, the sadness in his eyes and the sad smile on his lips, as he fell onto his knees. A fresh wave of tears threatened to spill down her eyes and she threw herself over the small bed inside her room.
Suddenly, she felt a draft of the night wind.
Clarke...
A whisper brought by the chilly air as shivers ran down her spine. She sat up quickly, disappointed that she found herself to be alone, yet she also saw the piece of paper just by the door of her room. Upon closer inspection, she realized that it was a letter. The bold letters across the front sent a punch to her gut as her eyes prickled with tears.
CLARKE
Her mind flew back to the time when he had written her name on the list in his handwriting. Her heart pounded as she opened the envelope with shaky hands.
If you're reading this, then I guess I never got the chance to hide this letter before you ever saw it.
She took in a breath as if preparing herself.
You know why I did it and why I had to do it. Maybe you can blame me for being such a selfish bastard, but I trust that you'll understand that I can't let Octavia do it. My sister, my responsibility. Don't blame yourself for what happened. It was purely my decision.
You know, I never got the chance to say it, and I probably never will.
I love you.
She swore her heart skipped a beat as she let out a sob. A sob of guilt and regret for something that could have been. A sob of hopelessness and loneliness for the heaviness inside her chest.
Perhaps it's fate that we weren't meant to be. After all, you did not deserve a man as broken as me, a coward afraid of what the world would say. I failed in a lot of ways as a brother to Octavia, as a leader to our people, as a man to myself.
No! She wanted to shout out that it wasn't true, that she wasn't lying when she said that he was special. He had always been enough. Anger flared inside her. Anger at herself for being so blind and stupid.
The next few words made her heart churn.
Yet you took all the burden away from me. Every time I was beside you, I felt like I wasn't alone. In the darkest time, seeing you in that bunker, even though you were tied up and looked like shit, made me remember the man that was. You took the monster within me and smashed it into pieces, showing me that I could be better. I hope I was. My life may not have been perfect. I may have made wrong decisions a lot of times. I may have blood of thousands on my hands. But I can say that I tried my best because you showed me how to forgive myself.
I may be gone from this world, but always remember that I'll be watching. I'll always be beside you if you'll have me. I'll always be there if you call for me. I want you to know that you'll forever be loved even when the world seems so dark as I have left it. Know that even if the world seems so cold, my faith and love will always be with you.
I love you, Clarke Griffin.
Live on. Look after Octavia for me. May we meet again.
"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I'm so sorry." she sobbed as she clutched onto the only piece of him that she had. The unbearable pain of losing him hit her so hard just like when she lost her father. It wasn't until her sobs faded and her tears had dried that she decided her father would have liked him.
Her eyes look out the window. A gasp left her lips as she watched in awe of the twinkling stars that shone so brightly above her. Somehow a wave of warmth passed over her as if someone had taken off the weight inside her chest. There was suddenly a calmness within her as if she was floating up in the air, lulling her senses.
Maybe they were up there together watching her right now. Maybe they were both looking at her like a pair of worry freaks. Maybe they were up there together waiting for her.
She closed her eyes, and she saw the crisp image of Bellamy Blake standing before her.
"I love you too, Bellamy. So much that it kills me that I never got the chance to tell you."
A smile lit up his face. And the silent tears that streamed down her face washed away the pain and loneliness she felt was replaced by the feeling of love. The storm had passed. Heavy clouds in the sky replaced by fluffy white clouds. The angry dark sky replaced by the brightness of love. A rainbow shot out across the sky as the storm completely passed.
The calm after the storm. She smiled, knowing that he wouldn't go back on his word, knowing that he was right there beside her.
"May we meet again."
And this is unedited. I haven't found the time and the mood to actually reread this whole thing. I'm just silently hoping it isn't that bad. Also, I haven't really watched 4x11 even though I have an idea of what's going to happen. I mean it's all over my tl on Twitter.