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Austin. Austin. Austin. Austin.
That thought, that name had been running through my mind for over 3 weeks. Three whole weeks. My cupcake ideas sucked, my decorations sucked, my baking sucked. I was stuck in a rut and couldn't get out. I missed him. I needed him in my life no matter the risk. I needed Austin Moon in my life.
"Ally! Ally!"
I shook my head to see Trish looking at me, annoyed. "Sorry, I was…"
"Thinking about Austin? Yeah I know."
"Nooo, I wasn't -"
"Save it Al, just talk to him."
I sat back from the baking table in defeat. "Don't you think I've tried? I mean I've been texting and calling and showing up at the coffee shop, I even showed up at his apartment. He has been completely avoiding me.
"Then you only have one place left." She looked at me and I continued to wonder what she meant. "Work. Go to the firehouse."
"I can not do that!" I shot up and started to pace.
"And why not?" She shot back.
"Well...because he hates me."
"Allyson Dawson, stop feeling bad for yourself. You are not some weak, fragile baby, you are a strong, hard ass woman who loves this man and you will go after him."
"Trish, I can't go to his work and I don't love him."
"Yes, you do and yes, you can!" She undid my apron and forced me out the door, just giving me enough time to grab my rain jacket and purse. "Good luck!"
I gave her a sarcastic smile and began walking down the sidewalk. It had been raining all day and had only stopped a couple hours ago.
I didn't even know if he was working right now, plus he didn't even want to see me. I was potentially walking into a disaster situation. But, if it meant talking or even just seeing Austin I would be happier than I was now. I shook away my thoughts as I walked up to the front door.
"Hi Ally. How are you? I haven't seen you here in a while, it's been what a few-"
"I know you know, Heather." I said to the same woman I met three weeks ago. "Can I go in or not?"
"I can't let you in, Lieutenants orders." She gave me a sad smile, before looking around. "Oops! I dropped my pen, under my desk...where I am-"
"Thank you" I whispered as I walked quickly past her. I walked quickly down the halls until I finally found his door. It was closed but the light was on, I could see him at his desk. I knocked on the door, my heartbeat coming to a halt.
"Come in!"
I took a deep breath and opened the door, not taking a step either way. I began breathing again, hoping he would turn around. He didn't, he just kept writing and reading. His eyes trained on that paper. If I ran now, I could probably make it out of the building undetected.
"Are you just going to stand there?" I felt my heart stop and head spin as his voice echoed through my head. "Or are you gonna run?"
"I'm not going anywhere." I said, feeling my confidence building.
"Well, I am." He said as the alarms went off just like that day. "Duty calls, guess that's a sign." He laughed bitterly.
"I'm, not, going, anywhere." I said again, plopping down on the bed.
He stopped in his tracks as he rushed out the door. "Don't you have work or something?"
"It can wait. Now go, because I can wait too...that emergency can't."
He gave me a confused look before running down the hall and off to the firetrucks. I laid back on the bed and took in the smell of Austin. I missed that smell, it calmed me. I hadn't slept in days, weeks. I was exhausted and this bed was oddly comforting to me. It wasn't long before I was asleep.
I woke up to someone poking me in the side. "Wake up, nap times over."
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. After adjusting to the room's lighting and noticing it was now dark.
"What time is it?
"6 O'clock. You've been asleep for a few hours." Heather said, it was then I noticed the radio in her hand.
"They've been there for a while then. Is it bad?"
"Just very vast, they couldn't find the source and there have been multiple complications… setbacks. They have found the source and put out the fire, but they've lost contact with the men inside."
"Ok, well then like you said...he does this all the time. He'll be fine, thank you for the update but I'd rather wait in the dark, if you know what I mean." I smiled.
"They should be back soon." She nodded and left.
I laid back on the bed, thinking about all the possibilities.
"You stayed?" I turned to see Austin, wiping his face of the soot.
"I told you, I can wait. I would wait forever if I had to."
"Ally-"
"Austin before we talk about..everything. Can you just tell me what happened..out there?"
"On the call?" He asked, his face showing pure confusion.
"Ye-yeah." I sat down on the chair as he sat back on the bed.
"Well it was a false alarm, kinda. There was a fire at one point a bunch of kids were messing around with fireworks. There was a small carpet fire but the sprinklers had put it out. It took us forever to search the whole building though. There was a lot of smoke and people weren't getting out of the building. Then our radios died, must be the charger or something. That's when they thought something went wrong but it was fine. It wasn't that exciting actually." He shrugged.
"Sounds exciting."
"You don't have to lie Ally." He laughed.
"Ok, so I was a little freaked out during it but I mean...isn't that only human though?" He nodded his head. "But, it sounds like this is what you love and I love...baking."
"Baking?"
"Yeah, I love baking and I lock myself away sometimes to find a new recipe. I haven't done it in a while because you came into my life. But, I love baking and that's what I love to do and this is what you love. Now, mine isn't necessarily life threatening, although at times I feel it is. But, if this is what you love then I accept it because Austin, I need you in my life. You get me, you understand me and you make me laugh and you were there for me when no one else was. I am so sorry for walking away. I-"
"I get it. I do, but Als-"
"Please." I choked out. "Please don't say it."
"I can't, Ally."
"Wha-what?" I looked at him, tears brimming my eyes.
"You told me you can't. You gave up on me, just like everyone else."
"I-I" I was at a lost of words.
"I think it would be best if you leave." He looked away, unlacing his boots.
"But-"
"Please? I'm tired and just want to be alone." He started to shoo me towards the door.
"I didn't give up on you. I got scared ok?" I blurted out right before he slammed the door in my face. He opened it a little to allow me to continue. "I believed in you and I still do. I just don't believe in me. I know that sounds stupid and cliche, but I don't believe that if I lose you after getting close to you that I'll be ok. That's why I left, not because I gave up on you..because I gave up on us."
He simply nodded his head before sitting back down. "What are we doing?"
"What?"
"I think we just need more time before talking about us, I still need to figure things out. I'm not even sure if there ever will be a time for us..."
"But," My voice cracked, "I need you. I'm not myself, my cupcakes taste horrid and Trish won't even let me alone with a customer because I'm a 'walking rain cloud', as she says."
"Yeah, apparently I've been a downer the past few weeks too. But, look at us...we can't even agree on what went wrong."
"I'm sorry." I cried, letting my emotions take over. "This is all my fault, I shouldn't have walked away. I'm so sorry."
Austin lifted his hands to my cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I should have been more understanding, the way you reacted was totally called for and I didn't let you absorb it all. I just pushed it all on you and expected you to be used to it."
"I think we're both kinda to blame for this then." I smiled through my tears. Austin returned the smile as he continued to stroke my cheek. "Friends again?"
Austin winced and I felt my heart sink again. "I can't be friends with you Ally." He said, looking into my eyes with his deep brown ones.
"Wh-why?" I asked, losing my voice at the intensity of his stare.
"I like you Ally. I like you a lot more than a friend."
"You do?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Mhmm" He said, leaning in closer.
His forehead hit mine and his eyes began to look between mine and my lips. I knew what came next and I wanted it to happen so badly. I bit my lip as his nose grazed mine.
"I like you too." I said, hoping this would be the last push.
"You do?" He smiled, surprised by my words.
"Mhmm"
Just as our lips were about to touch, we were drawn back by the sound of the alarm. Damn.
That's when I opened my eyes. It wasn't a fire alarm, it was Austin's alarm clock. I rubbed my eyes to realize I was still in Austin's bunk room. It had all been a dream. That thought hit me like a brick. I stood up and slipped my rain boots back on. It was now seven, were they still not back? I walked out of the office and towards the kitchen area. When I turned the corner I noticed a group of guys all sitting around the table. Dez was one of them. He noticed me and got up, he guided me out of the room.
"Ally, what are you still doing here?"
"I was waiting for Austin. Where is he?"
"The hospital." I felt my heart drop. "He is checking up on the little boy he saved today."
I smacked Dez's arm. "What the hell! I thought you meant he was in the hospital!"
"No, he just went over to check up on him. He was in pretty bad shape when Austin got to him."
"So, he saved that little boys life?" I asked.
"Yeah, he was a hero today. Just like that day you yelled at him, if he wasn't there I would have died."
I felt my stomach churn at his words. "I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I walked away." I looked away, disgusted with myself.
"He should be back soon, you want me to wait with you?"
"No, no that's fine. I'm just gonna wait outside." I said, walking away.
"Ally!" He called after me. "He might not come back, chief gave him the rest of the night off...if I hear anything I'll let you know."
"It's ok, when's his next shift?"
"Tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock."
"I can wait, you know where to find me." I said, turning back around.
"You're gonna wait all night?" He yelled at my back, I didn't answer this time.
I found the bench outside the engine bays and sat down. Thankfully the rain was still holding off, but I must have spoken too soon because as soon as that thought crossed my mind the rain began again. I put up my hood of my rain jacket and hugged myself, damn I hoped Austin came back tonight.
After an hour I began to lose hope, Dez came out a couple times offering me food, drink, or a seat inside but I denied every time. I deserved this, maybe Austin would see how sorry I really was if I was waiting in the rain for him...all night. I watched as his car pulled up and thanked the heavens above because I was freezing. I looked down at my boots as he approached me. Only he wasn't walking or looking at me. He either didn't see me, or worse..he did. I watched him as he walked closer to the doors, then he froze. His eyes met mine and I felt the lump in my throat grow.
"Ally?" He yelled over the rain. "What the hell are you doing?"
I felt his words hit me head on. "Waiting for you…"
He laughed, looking away then back at me. "Yeah, I got that much, but why are you in the rain?" He said, walking towards me.
I looked around then up and down. "I have no idea, it sounded better in my mind." I joked, hoping to hit a lighter note.
"Come on you must be freezing." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me inside. "I swear if you get hypothermia, I will not be to blame."
I smiled at his gesture. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all. He walked me into his bunk room again. He sat me on the bed before opening a drawer in his dresser. I started to shiver as I shed my soaked coat.
"Here, change into these. I'll be outside when you're done."
I nodded as he exited the room. I quickly changed from my wet shirt to his dry company tee. He gave me pants to put on but my jeans were mostly dry so I just wiped them with the towel he gave me. As I gathered my clothes I threw them into the bag he gave me along with my small purse. I opened the door and Austin quickly appeared.
"Come on, I'll drive you home." He said, his mood didn't seem bad but it wasn't as light and airy as before.
"Oh, ok..um thanks." I said, feeling my hope fall.
We walked to the door before he flung his jacket over my shoulders and we ran to the car. When we got there he opened my door and shut it before rushing over to his side. He got in and started the car. Then, he pulled away from the curb and put on some music. Telling me, this was his way of avoiding talking. I let out a sigh before looking out the window.
Neither of us spoke until he parked outside my apartment building. "Do you want me to walk you-"
"I want you to talk to me, but then again I guess it doesn't really matter what I want, does it?" I retorted, bothered by his nonchalant mentality.
"I am talking to you...see?"
"No! Talk to me!" I hit my chest, pointing to myself. "What happened today? Why are you acting like nothing happened?"
"Today? Today I was reminded of how short and precious life is. I guess all that stuff just seems stupid now, so why sulk over it?"
"Why sulk over it? Austin you cut me out of your life, for three weeks you avoided me!" I yelled.
"Uh, last time I checked you walked away from me" He said, remaining calm.
"Yeah, but I tried to make it better and you refused to see or hear me. I tried! I went to your damn house for gods sake! I stood out in the rain for 3 hours today!"
"Yeah, which was crazy and reckless! You could have gotten sick, then what? Huh? I would have lost you!" He yelled for the first time.
"Austin, it wouldn't have been-"
"No Ally, you don't understand. I can't lose another person, you can't die."
"Did..did the little boy make it today?" I asked, putting together the pieces.
"No." He said, looking down at his hand. "No, and it's my fault that a nine year old died today."
"That is not true." I said, unbuckling and turning towards him fully. "You did everything you could, you went into that burning building and you gave him a fighting chance. Without you that little boy would have certainly died in that building, but you gave him the possibility to live. Maybe it was just his time or I don't know, but because of you he had a fighting chance. It is not your fault." I took his chin and forced him to look at me. "Do you hear me? It is not your fault."
He nodded and could tell he was holding in the waterworks. I wouldn't have judged him for crying but I knew he would never give me the chance to show him that. I reached over and hugged him. As he sat quietly, face tucked into the crevice of my neck. I felt a small drop of salt water hit my skin but didn't acknowledge it. I just sat and rubbed his back, trying to soothe him the best I could in my position.
He pulled away and wiped his face. "Sorry, it's just...he was nine. Nine, he never got to grow up. He's never going to get to go to college or get a job or fall in love and have kids. He was nine, nine."
"I know, I know but you can't blame yourself."
"I should be used to this by now, we lose people all the time lately and maybe that's why it's affecting me but he was just a kid. He didn't even make it to double digits." He rubbed his face again before facing me. "I can't, you said you can't...well I can't. So you have to promise you will never leave again. I will forgive and forget if you can promise me to never, ever, do that again."
I smiled at him. "I promise."
Barely edited! But due to the high demand I wanted to get it out there! I hope y'all like it! I know no Auslly kiss but don't worry the time will come! Maybe ;) just kidding! It will come, eventually! Thank you for all the reviews and follows and favorites! XOXOX