Chapter 2: I'm here for you

Sara. Wake up.

"SAM… Let me sleep!" Sara mumbled to the pillow under her head.

I apologise Sara, but you are not alone.

"What?!" Her body raised so fast that she nearly bumped the Asari doctor sitting beside her. Her mouth opened in a surprise which was also reflected in her face motion. It looked amusing. Lexi just raised one of her eyebrows watching this humorous act. Her arm raised and the light from the omni-tool made Sara to feel like a Guiney pig. Again. She could not hold an irritated sight leave her vocal chords.

"Doc please, just one time in a life of the universe, please, don't scan me!" Yes, she was annoyed and so fucking tired. Doctor's attempt to scan her at any occasion available made her furious in this moment.

Lexi noticed this abrupt change in Sara's voice and stopped scanning her in the next following seconds. This was really a first time Sara nearly shouted at her. It left an uneasy feeling inside her stomach. Sara was obviously in a huge stress and the last mission must had affected her more than she admitted to herself. For a second Lexi did not know what to say, but her professionalism won over a shock.

"I was notified that you are experiencing certain… psychological difficulties." Lexi said. Watching Sara like this made her voice shake and she needed to use a lot of strength to keep herself focused on her task. Sara was obviously broken. She could see it in her eyes.

"By whom?" It was the Pathfinder who raised eyebrows this time. Who notified Lexi? Maybe Drack? Maybe he had told Lexi what she did. All of that. No, he would not break his word towards her but he could inform Lexi about how she let his squad die before she could read her official report. Suddenly, she felt miserable again. Her voice was no longer aggressive, but quiet and sad. "Drack told you what happened, right?" She felt like shaking. The guilt was stealing oxygen from her lungs. Breathing seemed harder than before.

"No, Peebee stopped by and said you feel depressed. But, yes, I know what you needed to do." She observed the difficulties Ryder had while she tried to say Drack's name. She saw the tremendous pain in Ryder's eyes and her own desire to touch her and comfort her pain filled her heart. It was so hard to watch Sara like this.

"Sara, it must be hard to believe, but Drack does not blame you. It was really not your fault." She said softly, trying to make her voice sound as soft as possible. Unfortunately, it trigged completely different reaction in Ryder than she expected. Sara moved fast and stepped up from bed. She looked at her with anger.

"How can you say that Doc?! You weren't there… I should have … I should have saved all of them!" Sara was shouting. The coolness she kept around the crew members totally faded away. Maybe it was the doctor's profession which made her loose her temper. She was here for this reason, no? To be a punching bag for her when she needed, no? Lexi was a psychiatrist and she surely would not feel hurt. At least that's how Ryder reasoned that angry reaction to her own mind. The fact she showed how much she was broke to Lexi and not to Peebee.

If I may, Pathfinder, calculations clearly show that saving everyone was not an option. Simply, there was not enough time.SAM interrupted the conversation, so both Lexi and Ryder could hear his answer. Sometimes Sara hated his perfect logic.

"Thank you, SAM." Said Lexi. Even if she was hurt she could hide it well. It was true she was never there on any mission Sara needed to go on. What Sara, however, did not know was how many hours and how many sleepless nights Lexi experienced while carefully searching through all the reports given to her by everyone. That consisted of the crew, technicians and especially the ones SAM sent to her after every mission.

"Sara, I might not be there with you, but I do understand your pain. You must, however, accept that there was no way of saving everyone. You needed to make a choice which would have affected even a veteran commander." Said Lexi carefully.

"I doubt my father would feel this doc. I doubt it… I tried to think like him. What he would do… I made a logical choice and betrayed my friend." That was it. She said it out loud. She betrayed Drack. Was she any better than Tann with his hate towards Krogans? She did not feel better. Tann praised her choice during a vidcom call, made it look worth a Pathfinder, but she could not get rid of a feeling that Tann was selfishly celebrating his victory over Kesh. Yes, Kesh. How in the world she could face her again? How she would face Drack? It was too much to bear. She really had trouble to breathe now. Her body was exhausted and her lungs started to hyperventilate.

Lexi noticed it before her body would truly come into a shock or even a panic attack. She quickly shortened the distance between them, and the Pathfinder could suddenly feel Lexi's body close to her own, her hands embracing her in a tight hug. Lexi never made such a step or showed such a friendly gesture… But Sara was not even able to question why she did it. When she felt how Lexi's hand pet her hair in a caring movement, tears just naturally started to water doc's shoulder.

"It's ok Sara. I'm here. I'm here for you."