Chapter 3: Nothing personal, please…

Lexi was back at her office. She was completely exhausted from the past experience, but there were many documents on her table which needed her attention. It took nearly 40 minutes before she managed Sara to calm down and sleep again.

Lexi touched her shoulder. It was still wet from Sara's tears. It bothered her more than she ever expected it could. Yes, she always cared for her patients, but honestly, none of them needed to bear such a weight as Ryder had to. Her brother was in coma, both parents were dead and no one on the Tempest really could ask her to relax. They were very worried about her too, she could tell, and even Peebee found a way to surprise her. Peebee usually avoided med-bay and scolded or provoked Lexi through intercom communication. But few hours ago…

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"Hey, doc!" Peebee was standing nervously at the door looking as she had not decided yet whether to step in or not. Lexi was genuinely surprised, but as usual, she hid it behind her professional mask.

"Hello Peebee. How can I help you?" Data-pad jumped in her hand almost immediately which seemed made Peebee even more nervous.

"By the Goddess, can you put that thing down? I need to talk to you about Ryder." Her mood swings were always abrupt so it had not shocked Lexi as the other aliens coming in contact with Peebee for the first time. She just sighted and put it down. A report could wait.

"I'm listening." Said Lexi only while watching Peebee getting comfortable on one of the med-beds.

"Look doc…" Peebee breathed in heavily. "I'm sure you know what happened there. And it was some serious shit... and..." Her eyes had changed direction somewhere to the corner of the bed. Lexi did not know about Sara dying in that hole. It was terrible and Peebee felt dizzy every time the memory appeared in her mind. But, she promised to not say anything.

There was a long silence. Doctor T'Perro was patiently waiting, not knowing what was really going on in the Peebee's head. When no words were uttered, she herself tried to push her to speak. "and…? Peebee?" She said very carefully and even caringly which made Peebee shout the answer at her.

"And she needs you, ok?!" Suddenly she realised she was shouting and calmed her voice down a bit. It was her own frustration and emotions mixing in the answer.

"She is fucked up doc and needs to talk to someone. I don't know how to do it." It was true. Peebee had no clue how to talk about serious business. She had a problem to do it with other aliens too. Before Lexi could say anything, Peebee was again at the door.

"Just go to see her doc." Said Peebee in a very low tone. "Please, doc…." the last words were uttered almost in silence.

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Yes, she went to see Sara right after Peebee had left. Her tone made her worried. Peebee was there with her on that damned mission. Lexi noticed that Ryder liked to take Peebee everywhere out with her. It was obvious they had constructed some kind of bound between each other although Lexi was not sure how serious it really was. Taking Peebee everywhere was surely a sense of security for Ryder. Seeing a close being in distress situations was exactly what she needed. However, when she saw how bad her condition really was, her own heart felt like in a cage. She was so worried that she overstepped professional boundaries she herself set up in the beginning of their relationship. It was right after Ryder had invited her for a date, that she promised to not get too personal with their new Pathfinder. Her own experience taught her to be especially careful with relationships of any kind, especially those which mixed with her job.

Despite that early attempt, Ryder never tried to approach her again. Lexi thought it was a good sign and their doctor-patient bound would be enough to do her job well. It was not the case though. Ryder did not come to her with anything apart from physical difficulties. Until today, she had never tried to seek her psychological help. Despite rejecting Ryder in the beginning before Ryder really could feel the weight of being a Pathfinder, she could understand it as a permanent blockade. She must had been already traumatised by what had happened to her father and brother. And another person forming restrictions surely made Sara feel more distant and lonely.

There was no one from the old acquaintances who let Sara in actually. Sara observed the distance Sara kept from everyone. She wanted to fight it with by her own, at least that is how Lexi perceived it and did not push. Cora was herself hurt by losing Alec as well as she felt partially betrayed. She tried so hard to not let Sara feel her attitude, but it made their relationship a bit colder. Liam, although friendly and relaxed, was too much focused on the mission to be great buddy with everybody that he did not notice his own frustration. Sara, however, felt that he was suffering because nothing was going as it was expected. Surely, she did not want to bother him with her problems. And the last, Henry needed to stay at Nexus… So, the only familiar face she knew before getting bit closer with the new crew, was her, Lexi, her doctor, who chose professionalism above getting too personal. She even said no to the dinner despite it had not sounded as such a bad idea. Maybe Sara just sought someone familiar who could she lean to, not as a lover, but as a friend.

Lexi let her head rest on her palms. It felt so heavy and painful. She was selfish. She failed her Pathfinder, no, she failed Sara since the day one. She wanted to save her own feelings that she did anything than become too personal or friendly with her. Her exes in the past had seen it as an obstacle not capable of crossing. They hurt her every time she gave them a chance. Sometimes a chance to come back from death. She sighted… Lexi felt lonely too and was capable of understanding how deadly it could be for someone. And she nearly did it to Sara too. Not nearly, she really did it to Sara. Lexi would really have hated herself if she chose to give Sara some sleeping pills instead of really act as her friend today.

Lexi was thinking about that rejected date. There was more selfishness in her rejection than Sara could ever imagined. It was not really because she was not into Humans, or not even because she was a patient. She perceived humans as actually beautiful and soft. It was because she promised to her own heart to save it from pain. Even if it meant to date species which did not die so easily or so young.