Chapter 5: I'm sorry, I died…

There was a time to inform the crew about her death. Ryder needed time to recover her strength before she could tell them all what happened. It was another reason why she had difficulty to face Drack or Peebee since that day. They were there and they saw her die. It also made her betrayal of Drack feel even more serious in her own head. But that was passed now, and they had only two hours before reaching Nexus. She had her report ready for the Initiative. Before sending it, she started to type an email to the crew. She requested everyone, including Kallo and Suvi in the meeting room.

When Ryder reached the meeting point, everyone was already waiting. She looked around. Liam smiled at her supportively and so Jaal. Cora seemed impatient and Lexi looked tired and worried. Suvi and Kallo were standing next to each other, but Suvi in between Kallo and Gill. Typical. Surely they were fighting again. Drack showed his teeth in a silent support as saying you are fine kid, but Peebee was the only one looking at the floor and not at her. That realisation was truly distracting. Was she angry with her? Maybe. She decided to talk to her afterwards… Sara just coughed to clear her throat. How to tell your crew that you died?

"Ahem… Thank you all for coming. I know you are tired. Reaching Ark was a tiring experience. Meeting Archon was as challenging as fleeing from him. Two of you experienced it with me and I know they haven't told you anything. Blame me, because I asked them to stay silent." She could see that they did not really like those days of silence. No one interrupted her.

"We are reaching Nexus in two hours and I will send my report to the Initiative, but you were the first to know. Simply, Archon is an ass…" She heard Liam and Jaal chuckle and it made her smile. Even Cora smiled a bit and looked more relaxed. Peebee was still too silent, as well as Lexi.

"He is an ass and he…." she breathed in and then out. "Managed to kill me in a way, some would say."

Gill was the first of all to interrupt the shocked and terrifying silence. "What the fuck, Ryder? Are you a ghost or what?" Sara sadly smiled.

"SAM needed to kill me and I was, I think, dead for 10 seconds."

16 seconds and a half Ryder. Said the voice in the room. Not helpful. She continued before anyone could say anything.

"It was the only choice, because Archon strangled us in some kind of energetic field which reacted to our biometric conditions. He stopped my heart and then immediately started to revive it." And it was out of her, finally. Carefully she raised her eyes on everyone.

"You are kidding Ryder. SAM should not have such an authority. What the fuck we would do without you? You were reckless!" Cora nearly jumped to Sara and punched her face if Liam would not try to stop her.

"In that case, you would take my position, Cora. That is the protocol." Said she in a strict voice which surprised even her. "It was a huge risk I needed to take and if there was another choice I would make it!" Her voice was even stronger and now truly worth a leader. She stepped closer to Cora and looked her in the eyes.

"That's why you are my second-in-command and look after everybody here. I cannot let you die next to me. You are the only future of the human ark if I really die. Do you understand?" Everyone was surprised by the act and Cora too. Sara knew that Cora could not forgive her for not taking her on the most dangerous missions. But now she should listen to the reason, HER reason.

"I…. I do… but you were reckless. Still." Said she in a calmer tone and looked at the floor.

"I know, and I am sorry. To everyone." Sara raised her eyes above again.

"She is a tough kid." Said Drack protectively. "We would die there… Not only some, but ALL of us. And I'll make sure that the Initiative knows about it and respects it." His message was clear. He did not want anyone to blame Ryder. Not even for her choice to rescue Salarians over Krogans. Drack was convinced to tell the same thing to Kesh. Ryder was touched. Drack was the one who could blame her the most here and he still stayed by her side.

"Well, Ryder… just keep it cool for the next time, yeah?" Said Liam and punched her in the arm. She smiled… Liam was Liam.

"It was an honourable sacrifice, Sara. And it will be remembered. My people will know that you are capable of reaching beyond your life. But, personally, I wish that you'd not try to do this again." Said Jaal touching his chin and thinking about the situation. Sara was glad he spoke. They had become quite close in the recent weeks. He opened up after she saved their beloved Moshae. She considered him as a close friend. There were still some boundaries, of course, but she liked to have him around.

When she traced the room for another comment, she realised that someone was missing. Lexi was no longer there. She started to bite her lower lip. This was what she was afraid of. It must had been a blow to her, as her doctor, especially after that friendly affection she showed her in her room when Sara was broken. Why she had a feeling that the two and only Asari women on this ship had a current urge to punch her? That thought came to her mind when she noticed how Peebee was holding her hand in a tight fist. Finally, she raised her eyes towards Sara.

"You are an ass for making us so worried." Everyone in the room looked at her in surprise. Peebee was usually joking about everything so this was a shock. Well, not for Drack maybe. He was the only one who knew about their secret "mating" relationship. Peebee raised her hand and pointed a finger at Ryder.

"I will kick that pretty ass of yours if you won't take Poc with you next time on a mission. Or you forget to charge your shield, or you let someone to kill you again… Do you copy, you fucking reckless Pathfinder?" Her lips were shaking and she was absolutely serious. Peebee needed to hide this feeling inside her for three days. Sara ignored her and had not contacted her. She deserved all of it.

"I promise I won't die again. And... thank you for supporting me there and here." Sara smiled. It was again her typical relaxed smile which made Peebee to back up with her anger. Sara was better. She looked better. Lexi helped her and Peebee was glad. That was important. She was alive and her heart was carrying the weight better.

"Pshaa. You'll need to work very hard to get my attention back, Ryder. My fame is built on recklessness, so don't try to steal it again. Clear?" Ryder nodded obediently and some of the crew laughed on the joke. They did not expect anything as Peebee flirted with everyone. It never meant anything in a long run. Jaal was still red in the face when Liam irritated him with a question whether he already asked Peebee to show him some Asari mating practices.

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Everyone dealt with it better than she thought. Even Peebee. It seemed so at least. So, Sara did not worry that much about her. She trusted that a drink in the Vortex would be enough for Peebee to forget her. Sara clicked to send her report. She still had approximately 1 hour before they reached Nexus. There was one more person who she needed to deal with. Lexi.

She stood up from her computer and looked at the small SAM near her.

Your stress levels are raising, Sara. Do you need medical attention?

"Well, SAM, I am going to get it, but, I'm actually worried that I won't survive the encounter." She sighted.

Doctor T'Perro hasn't left the med-bay, Sara. She locked the door. Do you wish me to encrypt it?

"Yes, SAM, please. I need to talk to her. I know she must be angry with me, but, when I reach the door just open it and close it behind me. No one on the board needs to know how Lexi kills me, ok?"

Of course… Good luck, Pathfinder. The word Path-finder looked as a joke to her now. It did not seem she was very successful with finding the good paths until now.

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Sara reached the med-bay. She was nervous, but it was important that she was on good terms with everyone on the board. They were a team and Lexi… She did something special for her these few days. After that crying night, Lexi had come to check on her more often than usual. She seemed more relaxed and even used her scanner less to find out whether she was ok. Sara enjoyed this side of Lexi. Open, caring and friendly. She felt like she could talk to her nearly about anything. The barrier between them fell and Sara needed it to stay that way.

Sara started to bite her lower lip. This was completely unfair towards Lexi. She should have told her about that dying experience, but, she was not sure she had processed it herself that time.

"Ok, SAM, open the door." The door clicked and she entered. SAM listened to her request and closed it immediately behind her.

What was waiting for her was a fast movement, quick reaction and a strong slap by a blue hand on her cheek. Lexi was strong and it made her loose her balance for a moment as it happened so fast. Lexi was breathing fast. Sara never saw her so angry as now.

"YOU." Lexi was staring directly to Sara's eyes. It nearly knocked her to the door. Good that they were sealed.

"How dare you come to enter my privacy after that. HOW DARE YOU come by yourself. You think you have a right to just enter my room?" She pointed a blue finger at her and pressed it against Ryder's chest. Sara's heart was racing fast. This was a side of Lexi she did not know. Those flames in her eyes made her loose air out of lungs. How could she thought of her as so fucking sexy when she was obviously hurt? But maybe that was the thing. She thought that the doctor had her professional distance and nothing could get to her that easily.

"I don't sleep at night to keep you alive, and then you let your own SAM kill you and I find out after 3 days? How could you even think it was a good idea to hide it from me?" Lexi was shouting and Sara got back to the reality very fast. This Lexi was truly worried. She did not know she sacrificed her night sleep like that.

"Lexi… I am very sorry." She said, feeling Lexi's hand burning on her cheek like an ignited fire. "I am truly sorry, but I couldn't tell you before telling it to everybody. It would not be fair."

Lexi felt like slapping her again would make her feel better. She even grasped part of Sara's jacket and it seemed that she would finally realize her words I can broke bones just as well as I can mend them. But her threats disappeared, she was only holding her jacket somewhere close to her chest.

"You idiot! You risked your own life just because of some ritual of fairness? I am your doctor! It was absolutely reckless!"

"Lexi… You scanned me and did not notice anything. And, SAM was having my vitals under control."

"SAM? You are serious, Ryder? The same set of codes which stopped your heart?" She was still shouting.

If I may interrupt, it was never my intention to kill Sara, Dr T'Perro. I wouldn't be able to exist without her. I am sorry if I caused you any distress.

Obviously, it was not enough for Lexi… She seemed distressed more than ever and it was Sara who needed to do something unexpected. Ryder kneeled in front of the doctor. It looked more like Justiciars ritual of a promise, but more personal. Ryder closed her eyes and only slightly touched Lexi's belly with her forehead. This was almost animalistic, similar when animals show their bellies, their most unprotected parts of themselves, to show trust and devotion. Sara offered her head, her neck, seeming completely vulnerable.

"I am truly sorry Lexi… Please, forgive me… I cannot do this without you. I need you." She started to talk to a speechless Asari, while staring at her feet.

"I cannot be ok with only professional distance and cold greetings in the hallway. I cannot take and live with a feeling you are still angry with me and close yourself to me like before. I want to know more of that Lexi who was not afraid to be closer to me." Sara was afraid. This came out of her heart. Lexi meant so much for her although she could not identify what it was specifically. But it felt in place when they were talking, it felt in place when she hugged her and, mostly, she really felt natural talking to her about her pain. Loosing this side of Lexi she was willing to show her and share with her, would kill Sara inside. She felt too vulnerable in this job, this task and mission of being a Pathfinder. Sara really needed her. Like that. Friendly, less professional and more open. Ryder needed it natural and was terrified Lexi would take it from her because of that betrayal. Yes, another betrayal in a one week.

Lexi was speechless looking at her Pathfinder kneeling in front of her. She felt like a Goddess of a kind when Sara begged her for forgiveness. Lexi's lips were shaking, her anger was somewhere in a place she could not touch again and her insides, her soul and heart, were muted and at the same time shouting. What the hell was Sara doing? Why she was begging? She was just a doctor. Her doctor. Doctor who should be there for the Pathfinder in any circumstances.

Sara's words were resonating in her deeply. The woman in front of her was really terrified of losing her friendship. No one has ever asked for her forgiveness in such a devoted and vulnerable manner. She was touched and felt like something wet is cruising her cheeks. Lexi raised her hand and slightly touched Sara's hair. She did not want Sara to look up and see her crying. It took a moment to find strength to talk.

"I forgive you, Sara…" And thank you. Those words only resonated in her head. Suvi's voice interrupted their moment informing everyone that the ship was going to dock at Nexus in 10 minutes.