Chapter 8: Something is rotten on Nexus. Maybe it's me.

Sara was walking through the hall of habitation quarters. She was deeply in her thoughts. Thinking not only about her mom's goodbye but also about the encounter with Lexi in the SAM Node. The whole world around her was invisible. It happened that she had not realised that another body bumped into her. It was a stranger, someone unknown, but the face of a stranger looked at her annoyed. It was a woman with short hair and a kind of frustrated look. "I'm sorry. I haven't see you." Said Sara.

"That's ok…. wait… you are the pathfinder!" Sara nodded and in the same moment she regretted that she did. The woman looked at her with anger so intense that she wanted to step back.

"You are the reason why my family is still stuck here in the Cryo!"

"Hej.. wait calm down… will you?" Tried Sara with a calm voice.

"No. I won't! You are the one who made a call to send a research team on Eos, the most habitable planet. My family is not under that schema."

"I am sorry for your family… but they are alive, they will come. Don't worry… I have lost nearly everyone, think about it." She really tried to resolve this peacefully.

"Fuck your problems, pathfinder. I don't care. There is no guarantee that you will succeed, but it was your father's idea to come to this "golden world". I can be killed before my family is allowed to wake up."

"I am… I am truly sorry…. I" but the woman interrupted her.

"I don't care. Kiss the Iniciative's ass with your sorry. You will hear about me again!" And with that good morning attitude the woman had left.

Some people in the room kept staring at Sara. She could feel that there were more of those who agreed with the woman's words. She felt isolated more than ever. When she was here and not there, risking her life, they perceived her as wasting time. Their time. The time they had not spent with their family… Their loved ones, their kids…

She felt miserable. She felt again the pressure pushing her down to the floor. No one seemed to care how hard it was to bear such expectations on her young shoulders. Those eyes around her were pushing her back to the empty space of the Andromeda galaxy to save them, their hopes, their futures. There were still Turian and Asari arks to find. Still other planets to explore, and Meridian to be found, which the so-called leaders did not see as the best interest for the Initiative. She needed to escape. She needed a drink. Yes. Something which would knock her out for another century. If she was lucky enough.

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She chose the darkest corner in Vortex. There was a bottle of some mixture in front of her. She wanted to drink so much, but at the same time she could not. The ball in her throat was too big to swallow. She felt depressed and alone. She nearly died, she killed so many like never before, she betrayed her friends, let many died too…. No one cared. The Initiative leaders exploited her like those who were bleeding next to her.

Nexus did not feel like a home, nor Eos, nor Voeld… Tempest was the only place where she felt accepted. Where she felt as a part of a complex system of symbiosis. No, that was bullshit. They were not perfect, they were a living society in that small space. And, they were her family. Did those people around realise that someone bled for them like this? That there could be any moment she was forced to sacrifice someone of her crew? Her family? Her soul was slowly rotting under the weight of this realisation. Why she should fucking care about anyone here? What they have ever done for her? She grasped the metal glass and tried to splash those thoughts away by the strong drink. Ryder knew that she would put her life into the front line, that she would easily ask SAM to kill her again, if that would save at least one extra life. She was tired of seeing people dying around her. Killing herself was easier.

"Hey you!" she recognised a familiar voice and her eyes met with the green ones. She smiled. Peebee really had some sixth sense to find her when she was the most miserable.

"Hey you too" Ryder repeated their common greetings. Peebee sat next to her on a couch and did not try to avoid close contact at all. It made Sara not to think for a moment of restrictions, boundaries, anything similar.

"You look as bad as Vorcha's ass, Ryder. What's wrong?" Peebee invited herself into the Ryder's personal space and tried the drink on the table. Ryder did not mind.

"I feel like that. It's a good comparison must say…." Said Ryder… "I just met someone who isn't a part of my fanclub for sure. A very pissed off woman."

"Sooooo, that is bothering you that much that you are drinking this …. this something... here?" Peebee looked at her. Obviously, she did not like the substance at all. Sara just nodded. "yeah... exactly."

"Oh, come on Ryder, you are better than this… lets do something crazy, you will forget everything…"

"I don't know, Peebee. I'm really not in the mood. But it's nice you care." Said she and touched her hand. She just needed to feel a friendly touch. It made Peebee a bit nervous and looked at Ryder with sad eyes. However, it took only a moment and Peebee used the intimacy to stand up and pull Sara to her from that dirty couch.

"I don't care what you want, you are going with me. No one needs to see you here drinking cheap stuff. Come with me. Plus, you still owe me for that charade played on the crew after you died." That one last sentence silenced all the protest Ryder had prepared. Yes, she owed Peebee. They still did not have a chance to talk about it. Sara followed Peebee right to her apartment. She just pushed Ryder in and closed the door behind them.

"I have some nice one here, you will like it" Said she and started to search the cabinet. Her apartment was still in a mess. After Kalinda incident, she never visited this place again and did not have a chance to explore it thoroughly. Peebee did not seem to be a very order-type of a person. But that was not anything new. She walked to the couch and sat down. It took only a minute and some glass with a red substance was in front of her nose.

"Here, take it and drink" Sara took it and smelled it. Wine! she could not believe Peebee had some human wine here hidden in this mess. Sara tried it and moaned with pleasure. It was truly a good year, something which reminded her of Earth.

"Thank you, Peebee. This is really something, unexpected." Peebee smiled. It was a smile so innocent and so honest that Ryder smiled too. She really liked Peebee. She seemed so simple, so loyal and honest in her comicality.

"Ah… you are melting my heart, Ryder. Don't do it or I'll make you pay a high price for this taste of pleasure." Said Peebee and put her glass down. She grasped Sara's glass and put it on the table as well.

"You made me so worried, Ryder" She looked at her with the same look she had on the Tempest that day Sara informed everyone about her death. Sara looked directly in her eyes.

"I know, Peebee. I am sorry for that. You were there for me and it means a lot." She smiled but something was not right here. Peebee's eyes were wet and a single tear started its way to Peebee's cheek bones. Sara raised her hand and gently wiped it. "I am so sorry, Peebee… I promise I'll not die again."

In that moment, Peebee cut the distance between them and kissed Sara. It was a hungry one, kiss full of desire and need of her. It filled Sara with immediate pleasure, because the contact made her feel needed but not in the same way every other being on the Nexus needed her. This was without expectations. It was a kiss to heal two lonely souls.

Sara returned it and pressed Peebee on the couch with her body. Maybe Peebee was not someone she could imagine to fix those big holes in her heart, but she was there for her and was sharing the pain with her. That was enough for now. Feeling her warm body underneath her felt right. She perfectly understood the no strings philosophy and how it could be helpful in the short run. Yes, this was a short run. Nothing was certain and they could die any time, any day.

Peebee had realised it when she saw Ryder on the floor without a sign of life in her body. She felt so helpless and so lost. In that moment, she realised how much she needed Sara to be even her Pathfinder. Pathfinder of her own happiness. It was not about strings, still. Peebee's heart felt too broken from Kalinda's appearance last time. But these moments she stole from Ryder, filled her with strength to go on and be herself. To be prepared to jump there for Ryder, if she needed her. And, she felt Ryder needed it too. Someone to embrace during a cold Andromeda night.

Their kissing intensified and Peebee let Ryder to explore her body as she desired. Sara unbuttoned Peebee's jacket and touched gently Peebee's breasts. She was beautiful. It was a beauty of an Asari she fantasised about just two hours ago. She slowly moved her hand from Peebee's body, up to the neck and to her cheek. Peebee laid her head into that touch so loyally.

"You are so beautiful, Peebee." She said it with passion although in Sara's heart was a struggle. These words she wanted to say to another Asari on this ship, who she saw embracing all the shades of blue. This was only a short-term cure for her desire, but she appreciated it as much. Peebee kissed her hand.

"Don't compliment me too much Ryder, I don't want to fall for you." Said she playfully and Sara smiled. Yes, Peebee understood that she did not own her heart. She just said it in her own way. Sara was not sure whether Peebee really felt it, but she cared for her as much to express it. Sara loved her in her own way and she planned to provide Peebee with all that she desired. With that commitment in her own heart, Sara kissed the Asari's lips promising her as many warm nights as they would need for their own survival.