Chapter 9: Fuck them all… I'm not doing this for them
They had spent together two wonderful hours. Sara felt proud to make Peebee come three times and watched her rest in her lap. She enjoyed touching her face, lips and her neck while she was resting. However, it was not to last long, because this was not a relationship, these were only moments of survival and she needed to go. With a kiss she took her clothes, dressed and left the room. There were things she needed to do before sleep and shops were not open for long anymore. She felt refreshed, her head was clear and she knew what was right to do. Peebee reminded her how life could be precious and that there were too many people who cared for her. Fuck that angry woman. Fuck Tann, Addison, fuck even Evfra and his constant criticism of her doing… Fuck whole Nexus and whole Andromeda galaxy.
She did not own anything to them. Only Angara she cared about was Jaal… Only Krogans she would protect were Kesh and Drack…. Only humans she felt the same race as were those in her Crew: Cora, Liam, Suvi, Gil, and of course, Scott… Only Salarian who she would give her life for was Kallo... Only Turians she believed in were Vetra and her sister…. and only two Asari she would ever love were Peebee and Lexi…. They were all her family and her blood… In this moment, she promised herself to find a new home and a new start only for them and for nobody else. And whole Initiative should feel small and terrified if they ever tried to shake this belief and her motivations. Not everyone on this fucking ship was worth or made her feel she herself was worth dying for. Only this small group of aliens.
With this strength, she felt invincible. Her new version of herself looked at the seller and smiled. It was time to repay some debts. Literally…
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The Tempest was silent. It was a reason why Dr T'Perro sought its calming silence. Everyone was outside celebrating recent victories. They were small, but important for the hope to stay at Nexus. They rented apartments and enjoyed what a night could offer to them.
Not Lexi. After finishing helping some patients at the Cryo Bay, she finally had some time for herself to think. To think about Sara's death, her plead, her stare at the SAM node. Too many things were happening this week and she did not have time to process any of them at all. Embracing her body with her own arms she was silently walking through the halls of the Tempest to her own sanctuary at the Med-bay. When she walked in happily that she made it, her body froze.
Ryder was at her desk doing something. She was so focused on her task that she had not noticed the sound of the door. What was she doing here? Why they were constantly bumping in each other? Her mouth opened to utter a warning, but no sound escaped her lips. It felt like they exchanged roles and it was Lexi's turn to silently observe Ryder in a space familiar to both. She smelled Ryder being fresh from a shower, wearing only simple t-shirt and pants, looking too comfortable.
She knew that body well. Her scans, eyes and sometimes her hands explored it. Position of every scar, gunshot or burn was in her head like a map. There was not a place of Sara's body doc would not have had known. And still… She remembered with what intensity Ryder's energy touched her body and her soul few hours ago.
It was a sensation she could feel a long time ago. Something like a forbidden fruit in a Biblical mythology. Something she desired but would cause her permanent exile from the paradise. Her profession of studying alien anatomy always came with researching their sociology and history. It was a part of her job, but now her own life felt like a chapter from some book about human mythology and legends. It was, maybe, because she was there once in that paradise with a human, forbidden, exiled because she killed. Killed someone she loved so deeply. That day she promised herself to be more careful, to be distant to anyone who would die so easily. She felt charmed by Drack for a while, because he proved to survive the Krogan Genophage and so many battles that he was almost invincible. Like a mythical god who could never ever die as long as someone believed in him. But Drack thought too much about Kesh and his people. Too much that there was no space for an Asari doctor, so she let that thought fly away very fast. Moreover, Drack was not the one and only member of the Tempest Crew who had made her whole inside shiver like a small animal in a cage. It was this 22 years old young woman, a human, and her pathfinder. She decided to stop this silence and coughed to get Ryder's attention.
Sara nearly jumped after she was disturbed by the Lexi's coughing. She quickly turned to her and tried to hide whatever was behind her back with her own body.
"Ah, Hello doc..! I haven't expected you here.. now… while on Nexus.. well.. you know.." She looked confused or, was she blushing? Lexi stepped a bit closer.
"Ryder, what are you doing here?" One of her eyebrows raised up trying to see what she was hiding behind her.
"Don't make me create a biotic barrier in my room. It seems you are too comfortable to enter this place anytime without my permission." Her voice was strict and it was easy to hide behind this professional strictness.
"I am sorry, doc. Yeah.. Hmm" She curiously explored Lexi's face. This was unexpected. She thought that her surprise would stay a surprise.
"What are you hiding there?" She was closer but kept her distance from Sara's intimate space.. Lexi crossed her arms on her chest and showed impatience.
"Nothing important... Really… Just hmm… a bit of gratitude. For…" this was truly an unpleasant feeling Sara felt intensifying in her stomach.
"Gratitude for what?" Now, Lexi felt truly impatient and at the same time a bit curious. Sara brought her a gift? She felt urge to step closer and look. Rather she leaned on one side to see. The angle was not enough to show her the mystery.
"For … for being here for me." Said she at last. She stepped aside and revealed a pot with a beautiful white plant which resembled an Earth Lily. Lexi was speechless. This flower, how Sara got it, and why? She forgot about her presence and walked closer to the plant and softly touched the long white petal. It was vibrating in-between her fingers.
"How did you…." She looked at her truly surprised…
"Harry told me once you like the Earth lilies… and I was fortunate enough that the Nexus botanist had specimen of many plants of the Milky Way flora… so a bit of bargaining and then a bit of science in the lab to make it grow within 1 hour…. and… viola!" Said Sara too fast and too nervously.
"It seems that helping others make bargaining quite an easy job… Heh…" She tried to smile but could not look directly at Lexi. Sara was sure that Lexi must had thought of her as being mad and crazy for wasting time and resources for such a useless thing.
Lexi was staring at Sara, she was listening to her whole explanation and could not believe it. She went through so much trouble to get her a white lily? Why? The thought of a forbidden fruit immediately crossed her mind and she needed to lean with one hand on the table to not fall on the floor. The urge was too strong and she asked the question which bothered her.
"Why, Sara?" asked she quietly. When she uttered the question, it felt too simple… Maybe Sara would not understand, but any answer was better than anything her mind could offer. Her skills of a psychologist were not useful at all.
Sara finally looked in Lexi's eyes. Her own soul was shaking. She again saw all the shades of blue even without the darkness surrounding her in the SAM Node… Maybe it was because she was close to her.. maybe too close.
"Because… because…." Sara breathed in heavily. Her heart was too vulnerable for this but with her new belief, with her new motivation she needed to give everything to her only family, to every member there and that meant honesty.
"Because I need you Lexi…. I need you too much than is nice to ask from any person… and it is a selfish urge, but I need you… and…" She stopped talking for a moment to utter the words describing her fear out loud…
"…and you have not left me yet despite my selfishness." Sara said. Her voice was trembling and her body shaking...
She feared that Lexi would once decide to leave her side... She was the only person who she trusted many of her fears and secrets… She saw her bleeding not only on the surface but also internally. She held her when she was too weak to speak only cry, and that is hard to forget. Sara knew that all of this was not in Lexi's job description. Not even in her career as a doctor or psychologist, and still she expressed so much care for her that Sara was touched deeply. She even went personally to apologise to SAM, because he was important to Sara. SAM told her that it was true that she experienced many sleepless nights in order to go through detailed reports. She studied every mission carefully to offer Sara the best care possible. Thanks to Lexi she was alive and she did it without asking any gratitude back, any nice word or a smile. Many on the board made fun of her, Peebee seemed to even hate her, and she still made sure everyone was functioning at their best, especially Sara. Lexi was the most loyal and most irreplaceable member of the Tempest and in Sara's life. She wanted to find a way to express it and show Lexi that someone cared for her as much as she did for all of them.
How this human managed to make her so speechless every time? Was the thought in her mind after Sara's confession. The tender petals of a white lily meant a world to her long time ago. When Victoria gave it to her for the first time.
She explained that the white lily had many meanings in their culture. It was a symbol of purity and also majesty. Its shape resembled the virgin when she finally come into blossom as a full being. It was believed in the ancient history of the human kind that lilies were born through the milk of a goddess who was feeding her son. But for lovers, it meant eternal paradise, because white lilies were given only to the person with whom you wanted to reach heaven. Victoria taught Lexi about all of the meanings of this flower to express her love to her. And the lilies also became the last goodbye when she put them on her coffin. Never again since then she had touched this flower. And now, in another galaxy, this young Pathfinder raised for her a white lily, the only of its kind in Andromeda.
"Lexi… I'm… I'm sorry… I did not wanted to…" Lexi heard Sara saying with worried tone… She did not understand until she felt Sara's hand on her cheek trying to wipe her tears. She was crying, who knows how long, but it was intense and she felt her tears running down finding their way around Sara's hand…. The warmth coming from it was calming and she felt like she could sleep in that hand without any worries... She closed her eyes and put her own hand on Sara's…
Both of them were just standing there for who knows how many minutes. The little touch they shared was so intimate for both that none wanted to move in fear to lose it.
So, this was the touch of paradise… Lexi thought… She ran her finger across Ryder's hand touching her cheek exploring the complexions and scars it gathered throughout the fights since she was forced to the role of the Pathfinder. Lexi's mind was perplexed with confusion how such a scarred hand could be so tender towards her own tears.
Lexi opened her eyes and looked at Sara standing so close that she could just reach her and touch her if she found the courage. She just held her hand which was already touching her and guided it down from her face so she could hold it with both of her hands. It gave her a sense of stability in this moment while she was looking in Ryder's eyes. Again, she felt her energy embracing her in whole, even more than that moment as their bodies had a connection. Her own heart felt safe in a warm feeling which was growing inside her that it terrified her at the same time. She wanted to say something… something smart… not too emotional, because a small alarm of their mission was holding her back, but Sara needed something, she deserved something more after all of this… Lexi found strength to control her body once more and moved to Sara… She closed her eyes and softly leaned her head on hers, their foreheads touching. It was a tender gesture, full of unexpressed love she was forbidden to feel and confused her at the same time.
Sara closed her eyes as well. She felt Lexi's warm breath on her face and her heart was pounding in a race she did not know she could ever win. How could she outrun her own heart? Their bodies were in the strangest embrace, because in-between them were their hands holding together like a symbol of a future which was too uncertain to signal any promise. It was a small distance which both did not dare to cross or break – a wall made by their own touch.