Chapter 15: Just slap me next time, ok?

Peebee was sitting in her escape pod. She found the location where Poc was held. The datapad was in-between her hands but she could not think straight. Tempest was full of conspiracy theories, and big talk about Ryder falling for some fucking Asari on Kadara. She felt urge to run, the ship felt too small for her, the whole Andromeda felt too small right now and she felt too alone.

"Pathfinder back on the Tempest." Said Kallo's unemotional voice. She stood up immediately but then her body froze. What she was gonna do? Tell Ryder to fuck off? The whole issue puzzled her thoughts and she felt the same as when she sought a gravity chamber…. and had Sex with Ryder… Fuck fuck fuck fuck! She moved like a hyperactive hamster up and down in that small space. What was wrong with her? It was ok that Ryder slept with some other woman. They were not committed to anything in particular, and that was what Peebee requested, so why?

"Fuck that…" Peebee ran from her room and nearly bumped Ryder down to the floor as during their first meeting. The entrance was opposite to the escape pod.

"Hey, Peebee…" Sara smiled at her with such an innocent look that Peebee nearly believed that all of the rumours were just rumours and Sara only sought her for "relaxation". She quickly gathered herself and looked at the Pathfinder.

"Yeah... Hey, Ryder… what's up?" She touched the back of her neck.

"You've been out quite long… some problems?" She quickly said looking at floor. Fuck, fuck… calm down Peebee.

"Well, yeah. A bit. I forgot about the time." Said Sara. Something was wrong. Maybe Peebee heard… But if she did, what was the problem then? No strings was the rule number one.

"Oh... ok… I'm sure it was some important business you did there.. yeah.. right… See ya.." Said Peebee too quickly and walked back towards her only sanctuary. Sara sighted. Something was wrong… She followed her immediately. They were friends and she was not going to let this slide… She needed to know what was going on.

"Sam, lock the door please." Said Sara when she was there in that small space with Peebee who was leaning on the table staring at the datapad.

"Are you ok?" Peebee did not raise her eyes towards Ryder. She could not look at her right now. Her hands were shaking.

"Something new about Poc?" asked Sara with a worried tone.

Fuck Ryder, why you need to make it so hard. Why do you care? Thought Peebee. That worried voice made her anger more complex, her emotions too hard to swallow. Sara walked closer and gently touched Peebee's arm.

"Hey, you can talk to me... right?" Said she gently… Peebee grabbed Sara by her jacket and directed an urgent kiss on her lips. She wanted to feel it. If there was a difference she wanted to feel it from her touch. Sara was already in civil clothes so the action felt even more intimate. It shocked Ryder, this abrupt movement and gently hugged her, but she could not return the kiss. Not now.

"Peebee… talk to me…" Said she instead of a simple action which would satisfy Peebee more than these friendly gestures. Why Ryder… She could not, however, push Sara way.

"I heard you had some fun at Kadara market…" Uttered Peebee finally. Ryder sighted. She could choose to lie or to tell her the truth. At least part of the truth. She liked Peebee, and now she was puzzled by everything what had happened, but she did not want to lie to someone who was always there for her.

"Yes, I had…." Said Sara staring at the escape pod chamber still hugging Peebee in her arms. She felt like Peebee crushed a part of her jacket. What was going on? This was not Peebee she knew. Sara remembered the day she died and the stare Peebee saved for her.

"Was it….. good?" Peebee was staring at that black shirt fighting with tears, anger and maybe, regret.

"Yes…"

"Would you repeat it?"

"Yes…" Said Sara and she gently pushed shaking Peebee away just enough to see her face. Peebee was crying….. That realisation structed Ryder as a lightning.

"Peebee…"

Peebee pushed Sara away. She needed some distance, feeling her so close was not helping the situation. She looked at the small plush Geth which was on her table and frustration was again growing in her heart.

"What is going on?" Asked Sara, feeling sad and confused. Peebee looked at her. Her tears disappeared and she wiped the rest.

"I don't fucking know, Ryder… I don't know... Complications…" She waved her hands in the air furiously like she wanted to slap some fly called emotions…

"Have I done something wrong?" Very stupid question, Sara thought, but she needed to know this was the reason Peebee was so distressed.

"Yes,… no… no you didn't… ARGH!" Peebee slapped the table with such a force she nearly crushed it. She was not the best while dealing with her emotions...

"It's not you.. yes it is.. but no.. it's me… the whole Kalinda interruptions… Your fucking death.. and your fucking too… I cannot.. I don't know how to deal with all of this here… I want to run.. somewhere distant.. but I can't leave you now, too…. This crew… I hate it.. I hate you, Ryder!" Peebee exploded. It was painful to watch. Too many emotions for Peebee to process at the same time.

"Hey…" She had crossed the distance between them and grabbed Peebee's hands. Sara just felt like destroying everything again. But, now there was no time for her own depression.

"Hey" She tried to look at her.

"Hey… its ok…" She felt that Peebee needed her to be strong now. Sara felt how she was shaking but did not let her go. Peebee looked at her and Sara smiled.

"I hate you…." Said Peebee again. She hated that smile of hers, so calm and loving, a smile she herself loved too much.

"I know you do… But, just you know…. I'm still here…" She was still smiling and trying to keep that eye contact. Sara could not believe she found so much strength to face this situation…

"That's why I hate you…. so much…" Peebee's voice was calmer though. It worked.

"Well, a slap on my face might help?" Said Sara innocently which made Peebee giggle. Her voice was still sad, but finally calm.

"Peebee… That thing…." Sara sighted.

"I… I didn't want to hurt you.. It doesn't matter anyway. It was a one-time only so… I'm telling you that because... I care for you and… maybe I wouldn't do it if I knew how much it could hurt you and…" She felt Peebee's finger on her lips.

"You don't owe me anything Ryder… I just… I don't know... Keep it simple... Will you?" She finally smiled at Sara…. Peebee needed space.

"ohmkaay" She just nodded as her finger was still on her lips. Sara let her go. There was not more to say now. Too many emotions… Peebee turned around.

"I found Poc. Maybe… If you are… still interested?" The question was more than about the Poc. It was not actually about Poc… Sara felt that somewhere in her mind. Peebee was asking something different. If they were planning to continue in their strange relationship.

It made Sara thinking… Lexi and her.. that could not continue, for everyone's sake. It was the most beautiful experience, but they maybe were not suited for each other. Even if they were, circumstances decided for them and Sara could not risk hurting everyone. She liked Peebee, they were compatible, but… No… Lexi was not an option.. and Sara could not do this alone.. she needed this. She needed someone close. Peebee too. It obviously was more now than a simple no string relationship, but it did not need to be love right away right? Sara herself was not sure what she felt and still, there was fear.. of something.

"Yeah, sure… of course…" Said Sara and Peebee smiled a bit, nervously.

"Okay, Ryder… Will send you the coordinates. And maybe... we could check it out tomorrow." Said she and turned to her table. It was a time for Sara to leave. Suddenly, she felt regretting what she did. This was exactly what she told Lexi, what she wished. To be only responsible for herself. Not for everyone.. for a moment.. And now? There were consequences of her action. Others hurt… Someone like Peebee she cared so much about. She could not let this happen again. Maybe it would be better if she kept her pain to herself. She needed to be strong. For them… For Peebee, for Lexi, for Drack, Vetra, Liam, Cora… everyone... She could not let be the cancer destroying this family from within.

"Yes, Peebee. We'll find her. And please… just slap me next time, ok?" She smiled with her best in her and left before Peebee could say anything more. Sara went straight to her room, and locked herself up before others would ask about her fucking… Gill making fun of her calling her a wild beast or what. She did not need this right now.

Fortunately, the ladder saved her from any encounter. She just stopped for a minute to look at the closed med-bay. What she had done she could not undone again. Now, Sara needed to stop to be selfish and clean the mess.