After I left Llewella I went to one of the palace armories and found a wrist strap for the dagger that Fiona had given me. There was a young soldier in charge- one scarcely older than I was- and at my urging he showed me the trick of dropping the dagger into my hand with a simple motion. I practiced several times before I left until I felt satisfied with my ability to unleash my new weapon at the need.

And I thanked the soldier with a kiss.

To say that he was quite pleased was an understatement. I knew that it was somewhat of a reckless thing for me to do- again, a Prince of Amber had privileges that a Princess never would- but I wanted to. I wanted to kiss him because he was young, and he was kind, and when he looked at me I did not feel shame.

I felt beautiful again.

I think of that as my first kiss. What that brute of a king did- and his name will never pass from my lips because I refuse to give that wretch the honor of a name- was not a kiss. I would not be defined by that monster- not by who he was, what he did- any longer.

So I left young Roger behind and went back to my rooms where I spent the next hour or two practicing with my dagger and pondering how I could possibly impress Dworkin enough to win his respect and cooperation against Daddy.

I was smart enough- even then- to know that I would never be clever enough to impress Dworkin with my intellect. He had proven himself immune to my girlish charms- he had never once smiled at my antics which had always enchanted my other instructors. I had displayed nothing of Fi's mastery of sorcery to earn his praise.

I was simply Florimel, and that did not seem sufficient to accomplish my goals.

My sisters had given me advice, but I did not expect to obtain any more aid from them than had already been given. Like it or not, in this I would be on my own.

I wracked my brain for a solution but nothing plausible seemed to come to me.

My door swung open and a giant figure of a man stood there. "Flora!" he cried in a booming voice.

My dagger flipped into my hand as if by magic and I hurled it at the giant without thinking.

It went straight into the heart of – the large doll that my brother Gerard of Amber was carrying with him.

"Well," he said in the shocked silence between us as I realized that I had almost killed him, "you could have just told me you didn't like dolls any longer."

There is not much my family agrees on- from our relative ages, to the order of succession- to who can make the best waffles. Get us together and not one of us will share an opinion with the others- on principal.

There is one exception to that rule.

Gerard is the best of us.

We all agree on that.

He was the closest of my brothers to me in age at the time, but he was already a man with centuries behind him. He wore blue and gray, and he belonged to the sea more than anywhere else. And of all my family, he was the one who knew me best. He is by no means a genius- but he is in no way stupid either. Gerard is open. Gerard is kind. Gerard is loyal.

And if not for his ability to walk in Shadow the rest of the family would doubt that he was a true son of Oberon at all for those wonderful qualities of his. Unicorn knows Oberon had never been renowned for his compassion.

Gerard had made of a point of visiting on my birthday from the very first one that I had. No matter what he was doing- or whether he was off in Shadow- he would find a way to be with me on my birthday. He was the only member of my family that had ever felt like family until Daddy's actions of the night before.

"Was that blade a gift from our father?" Gerard asked me as he placed the doll he had brought me on the floor. "I heard he took you on your first jaunt through Shadow."

I flinched. "No. Fiona gave it to me."

"Oh really? How nice of our sister to remember you on your birthday." Gerard sat down on one of my chairs which creaked alarmingly under his weight. "Tell me all about your journey. Where did Father take you?" He touched my cheek at the sudden tears that came to my eyes. "Flora? What's wrong?"

I was so tempted to tell him the truth.

I trusted Gerard. I knew he would fight on my behalf. I knew he would avenge my honor- even if that meant facing Daddy himself. He was just that good.

And I knew without a doubt that Daddy would kill him without a second thought.

Before last night I would not have had such thoughts. I would have reacted like a child and done what would make me feel better. But I was no longer a child.

Daddy had seen to that.

So I did the one thing that I had never done to Gerard:

I lied.

"Nothing's wrong, Gerard. I'm fine. It was just- I never imagined Shadow would be like that. How was your latest voyage? Thank you for the doll. I love it." I picked the doll up and hid my eyes in its hair so he would not see the tears in my eyes again.

Gerard loved to talk of his voyages- the places that he had been, the things that he had seen. I had always enjoyed listening to him and it almost made me feel normal again.

"Now that you're growing up I'll have to take you on a sea voyage through Shadow. It's not the same as making the journey on land. You'll enjoy it." He laughed. "Perhaps someday you'll captain one of our ships yourself."

I smiled at the thought thought though even then I knew that wasn't too likely. In Oberon's Amber women were seldom allowed any position of power. "When I walk the Pattern will you be there for me, Gerard?"

"Of course. Wouldn't miss it for the world." He smiled at me. "But you've got years before you have to worry about that. You're far too young to be thinking about that now."

"Who was the youngest to walk the Pattern?" An idea was beginning to form in the back of my mind. I didn't necessarily like it, either.

"Corwin. You're supposed to be at least 18 before you walk the Pattern, but he snuck in the night before his birthday. He was bound and determined to show up Eric by doing it younger than he did. He even projected himself into Father's throne room before the entire Court when he was finished." Gerard chuckled. "Eric had a cow."

I found myself smiling at the thought even though part of me wanted to leap to Eric's defense.

He effortlessly pulled the dagger from the heart of the doll and handed it back to me. "If Fi's going to be handing you a dagger perhaps I should get you a sword. Nothing wrong with a young woman being able to defend herself."

"That would be very thoughtful of you, Gerard," I said politely even though I did not enjoy fencing at all. If I had to kill someone, I would prefer to be as far away from it as possible- one of the reasons I enjoyed archery.

(Though that doesn't mean I regretted strangling the toad king. Looking back on it, I'm glad that I did strangle the life out of him. Some things really require the personal touch … executing your rapist is definitely one of them.)

He smiled. "Perhaps you would enjoy a ball instead."

"What?"

"A ball. You know one of those things with music and dancing. I hear they're very popular with young women."

I actually smiled at that idea. "Yes, I would love to go to a ball. But there isn't going to be one for months ..."

"There will be one tonight."

"What? How do you know?"

"Because I'm throwing it. In honor of my little sister's birthday." Gerard smiled at me. "And we'll all be there. Even Father ..."

"Daddy," I swallowed hard. "How … nice. I was under the impression that he was still off in Shadow ..."

"He was. He had me bring him back to Amber by Trump just a few minutes ago." Gerard smiled wryly. "He must have had quite the time- I've seldom seen him look so … disheveled."

"I bet," I said savagely, my anger momentarily overcoming my fear.

Gerard looked at me curiously.

I forced a smile back onto my face. "Thank you, Gerard."

He shrugged. "It's just a ball. It's no great thing to do for my favorite little sister."

I smiled. "I'm your only little sister." (It's true. All the rest of our sisters were older than Gerard.)

"Doesn't mean you're not my favorite." He smiled.

I hugged him then. "I love you, Gerard."

"I love you too, Flora." He hugged me back.

It has been many years since I said those words to Gerard. I want you to know that I meant them with all my heart. I still do. He was- he is- the best of us.

And if the insane idea I had didn't work- if I didn't make it- I wanted him to know that I did love him.

Because I knew I had run out of time.

I had no choice. Only one hope. And if I failed it would kill me.

I was going to walk the Pattern.