"That's tough, Lexi…" Said Peebee sitting on a bed next to Lexi. She briefly explained to her, what have happened and who Victoria was. It never crossed her mind, in what pain Lexi could really be, what she experienced before leaving to Andromeda. Lexi was holding own hands and looking into nothingness. Remembering the past was still very painful to her, she loved Victoria too much to let it heal so fast.
"I can see… I understand why you… why you could understand my problems." Continued Peebee not knowing what to do.
"It's good you saved Kalinda, Peebee. It would haunt you forever." Her hands were shaking. She could see Victoria's body in front her. She could not breathe, the ribs slid through her lungs scratching her heart like a knife through a butter. Peebee raised her arms towards Lexi and hugged her.
"That's ok, doc. Don't… don't be so hard on yourself, ok? It's not fun to see you like this… it's not… you should be the one strong enough and scolding everyone how stupid we are, worrying too much… crying too much... don't…" Lexi looked at Asari next to her. Peebee was holding her, eyes closed, tears running slowly under the eyelids. Lexi was amazed and shocked, but she also felt warmth spreading inside her. Peebee cared for her so much that she could not stand to see her in pain. It was amazing progress since the day she accused her of not caring about anyone on the Tempest. She returned the hug and relaxed her cheek on Peebee's forehead.
"I'll be ok, Peebee. Don't worry. Thank you." They stayed in a silent embrace for couple of minutes. Lexi closed her eyes and let it last, feeling like energy was flowing into her through Peebee, calming her own pain into spheres she had under control.
"Doc… You should talk to Sara about it." Lexi interrupted their embrace and looked at her.
"I can't… not now…." She looked down.
"You must. It obviously affects your actions. You know like, not jumping on her in front of everyone and all of that bullshit of patient doctor relationship." Peebee nearly danced towards the bed and sat on it watching Lexi.
"But, tell me doc. And be honest." Said she seriously. Lexi raised her head and looked at her.
"Do you really love Sara, or just… just… you're with her because she reminds you of her." This was truly a serious issue and Lexi bit her lip. Peebee cared for Sara maybe even more than for Lexi despite she kept her distance recently. She felt like being in front of that committee, Peebee's eyes scanning her thoroughly. It was sometimes amazing how Peebee was unstable in her reactions, how fast she could change her mood, cry than laugh, not so typical of many Asari she had known.
"I…." Lexi lost her voice for a moment. She noticed Peebee's eyebrows raised in a silent question.
"I do…" Said Lexi.
"You do what?" Peebee was not going to let this go, she needed a clear answer, for the sake of both.
"I do love Sara. But I still have feelings for Victoria. It might have happened 600 years ago, but for me it's just few years before I joined the project." Peebee slipped from the bed and had come closer to Lexi.
"So, simple…. Now, you need to talk to her about it." She smiled so lightly, like she could find solution for the most complex problem of the Universe.
"But… It's not a good idea. Sara needs to focus…" She knew this was a lie, not the real reason she refused to talk about it.
"Look. Let Sara go, or come to light fully. She doesn't have your time, she doesn't have our time despite the fact we might all die tomorrow." Said Peebee. It was true. Humans lived much shorter, which was another reason she hesitated to date Sara at all. The pure fact of her short life painfully reminded Lexi of the one Victoria lost. Peebee for some reason could still understand it better. She was more human like in this sense. She even lived that way, fully enjoying every moment.
"Lexi, Sara doesn't have bone disease and she surely wouldn't die by your hand. You look too pissed off when she gets hurt to let that happen. I understand why you are afraid, but you know… She will die before you anyway." Said Peebee with a sad voice. If Peebee stayed with Sara she would need to deal with the same problem. As every Asari needed at some point of life settling with a race with such a short life span. She was a specialist on this and still, it was the hardest for her to accept it. Especially when it related to her own feelings.
"I know… I know all of that. But isn't that a reason to keep quiet about it? Their lives are just…. a beam." Used she quietly Victoria's words.
"You know well, that's not how their brain works. If you don't be honest, I can simply start to sleep with Sara again…" Said Peebee and crossed her arms on her chest. Her voice was not threatening only silent, but Lexi still looked at her shocked.
"What's the point to think of Kalinda, to listen to your advice, to set a new start when it's so much easier to fool around… To keep things like they were, like nothing happened. If their life is only a beam, so let it treat like it. We can both set dates in the calendar when to sleep with Sara, maybe she'd like it as she adores us both, so you know. Keep it simple." She raised her arms showing unknowing gesture. Lexi was looking at her amazed. But she got the message.
"Stop it Peebee. This is not necessary." Said Lexi.
"Isn't it? If we are careful we can live a thousand of years. Can you imagine? A fucking thousand. What a fuss. Sara wouldn't be able to even reach my age, nor yours. In Salarian logic this would not be even worth the trouble and a conversation we're having. The calculations are not very favourable for a serious relationship with a human. There is Drack, he seems better, but well… He might die before Sara in this case, so." Peebee repeated the movement with her arms, but looking at Lexi in the same manner. She was absolutely serious, this could not be a game anymore if they both had chosen to be serious about their lives. Lexi sighted.
"You are correct. Your logic is perfect. And you are right. But we cannot avoid of being who we are, where we come from and how we…. react." Said Lexi imagining the anger she felt when being too emotionally attached to a human for the last time.
"And here we have an attitude which pisses Sara the most." Peebee moved her hand and touched Lexi's arm with a one finger like pointing with a gun. Then her hand travelled back on her chest.
"Those idiots around shooting, killing each other, like we were still at Milky way. Repeating the same mistakes and keeping the same prejudiced opinions about every other. Don't you think this is a time to try to be different?" Said Peebee and pointed her finger again.
"You know, I kind of understand Kalinda and how she has changed after we docked in this strange galaxy. It is so tempting to start again, differently… Although it has just showed what a bitch she always was…. well, anyway. By the Goddess, you really don't want to think this way, Dr T'Perro. No if you want to follow Sara until we kick that kett ass Archon. Not if you want to be happy!" She raised her voice, the emotions were changing her attitude fast again. Lexi was silent. Her words betrayed her. Peebee was so right it terrified her how much she was running away from her past as well.
"I want you to be happy, Matriarch. You both. And I want to be happy to. Especially when everything goes to shit… But if some meteorite is gonna end my life tomorrow, I want to try… to give it all… Yes… I will. I've just decided. I'll give myself a chance and you should too. Ok? Fine? Capish?" Now was the Peebee who was expecting an answer, a monologue, a word. Lexi needed to smile. She was happy to have a friend like her.
"Capish, Peebee. I'll talk to her. And you should talk to Kalinda too. We are leaving in the morning for the Asari Ark." Said Lexi. Peebee's pupils widened.
"Shit, what? Tomorrow?" Suddenly she did not know what to do with her body.
"Yes… Sara mentioned it today at the meeting." Said Lexi still smiling.
"Shit.. Well.. Then.. Bye.." She ran to the doors, then she stopped and ran back to Lexi. Her movement had frozen for a minute, then she poked Lexi gently in the arm before she ran away this time for real.
Lexi looked at the white lily on the table, then her eyes followed the way from the plant to the photograph. She took it from the table and placed it next to the flower. That was the right place, nothing to be ashamed of. Lexi sighted and then she recorded message on her omni-tool.
"Sara, after you're finished, please. Come and see me in the Med-bay. We need to talk." She bit her lip and kept staring on the orange glowing tech around her arm. It took a lot of strength for her to click on the right button and send the message.