Lexi heard steps outside her med-bay slowly moving towards Sara's room. She was nervous, it was nearly 4 hours since she sent that message and no response. They had not talked after that incident, and it seemed that Sara was kept there for the whole time. The doors closed and the sound made her certain. Sara was back. Lexi looked at the picture of Victoria near the white lily and again bit her tattooed lip. If she waited, the pressure would grow over her head and she was sure her courage would fly away with her recently exploded mind. She abruptly took the picture from the table and hid it in her white-red medical coat.
Lexi left the med-bay too fast, and too fast she was in front of the Pathfinder's quarters. She raised her blue fingers to the green circle, but it turned red.
Dr T'Perro, the Pathfinder doesn't wish to be disturbed.
Lexi sighted. No, this needs to happen now, or never. As the whole issue was deeply personal for her, she needed to do it here, before they left for the Ark. Peebee was right. Sara could die anytime, they could die anytime anywhere.
"SAM, open the door. My authorization codes." There was a silence for a moment.
As you wish, Dr T'Perro. Lexi would swear his voice sounded a bit irritated. But, the door opened. Sara was laying on the bed, facing the ceiling with her back, her face dipped fully in the soft blanket. She walked in.
"Lexi, I'm tired. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait." Mumbled Sara with exhausted voice in mood not wishing to encounter anyone or anything. She was still in her clothes and boots. Lexi quietly observed her for a moment, then raised her hand and made sure the doors were locked again.
"We need to talk, Sara." Said she patiently.
"I know, I've listened to your message." Sara slowly moved on her bed, lazily though. She looked at Lexi who realised Sara looked very tired and worried in a way. Lexi slowly walked closer to her, but kept standing. The photo was burning slowly towards her chest like a hidden flame. She could feel its shapes with intensity of a knife serving the chefs for preparing fish. Sharp and ready to carve the insides out. Insides similar to her heart.
"I'm sorry, you look exhausted." Said she quietly. Her doctor curiosity made her carefully trace the signs of exhaustion on Sara's face. The young human had more wrinkles and more stripes of white hair shining on the originally dark brown colour.
"I am." Sara sighted and stretched her back.
"It was endless. Talking with Hayjer, all the bureaucracy... and then the Ark." She continued and Lexi moved closer and sat next to her on bed.
"What about it?" She asked Sara.
"Well, everyone is sceptical. No real distress signal. And after that debris found on Voeld…. No one really believes anyone is alive, especially their pathfinder Matriarch Ishara. It's a mess. It seems that only one hoping is Cora." Sara massaged her temporal bones.
"And you? Do you believe it?" Asked Lexi and gently touched Sara's arm. Her issue needed to wait, although her soul was screaming and she felt like wanting to run.
"I'm hoping." She looked at Lexi and smiled. "I always hope. I will. I've decided when we found Avitus. No matter what I'll keep my hope." She looked so innocent and positive although Lexi was sure, that Sara was tired of holding on that hope. She was tired of keeping that fire so strong. She felt a strong urge to kiss her, so she turned her head forward away from those eyes.
"I know you will save everyone you can." Lexi said and smiled.
"And then you'll kill me for getting nearly killed." Sara laughed when Lexi turned to her with an annoyed look.
"For your own safety, I still recommend you to not test my patience, Pathfinder." Uttered she through nearly closed lips.
"Oh, I know. Because you can brake bones just well as you can mend them." She laughed, but a shadow travelled over Lexi's face. That saying… She was truly feeling blue both inside and outside. Sara noticed this sudden change of energy and looked at her worried.
"Are you ok? Yes... you wanted to talk about something, right?" Sara now looked confused and not knowing what to do. She was somehow similar to Peebee, those two would fit great together. T'Perro, you should psychoanalyze yourself instead. Those thoughts are self-destructive and useless. Her mind shouted at her.
"If it is about that hearing…. I'm not angry you haven't told me anything, ok? Everything ended well so, no worries. Life's too short to worry about things which went well." Yes, life was too short indeed. This made the shadow even darker and Sara nearly panicked. These were supposed to be encouraging words, not depressing ones. At least she thought they were.
"I don't know if I can…." She felt a bit cold, her heart was trembling under memories. She needed to tell her but in the same time she couldn't. The photo was there, only few centimetres away from the truth to be revealed. Everything felt like that time, it was so alive, so close to her, the time was too relative to feel real, the 600 years were only 6 plus two zeros, and she felt that six is alone collecting all that time of happiness and tragedy together. And now, another human woman was sitting beside her, worried voice was getting to her deeps, the darkness was growing and she was there again, broken, kneeling in front of a body which was losing warmth slowly, while the blood stole all the oxygen from Vicki's lungs when she was choking with it. And she could not do anything, just kneeling there, trying to push her hands on the chest... Not remembering what she really did, what she had been doing, maybe applying medi-gel, but it was too late…. Life was too short, indeed. Her body had not listened to her again, not hearing what Sara was mumbling, telling her. Something filled with fear. Fear of breaking up? she could not hear. Break up, Victoria tried to do it to save Lexi's dream, and she killed her instead. Her hand was suddenly holding a photograph, putting it on Sara's lap… She could feel, she was looking at the photo, touching it exploring it, searching for explanations as Lexi was silent.
"Who is she Lexi? Why are you crying?" She could hear Sara saying. Worried and terrified. Surely, she thought this woman was still alive, a competition to Sara, someone she could fear would steal her blue love from her, killing the chance, the fresh start and maybe hope. But, was she crying? She was. In her head, deep in the memories, she was crying hard, but on the funeral when two white lilies were falling down to the coffin. Two, magical number for the dead. How ironic. She died alone by her lovers' hand.
"Victoria… my boundmate 600 years ago." She said slowly, the words were uttered like by some alien lips, not by her, she was not present, still only there, kneeling, feeling like life was leaving the human's body. Was this also a fate prepared for Sara?... Sara... Yes, Sara was asking her something.
"Is she… here?" The question was careful, the hope in her voice was still there hidden behind friendship request for explanation.
"She's dead…." The hope turned to guilt, Lexi could feel the change in Sara's energy that she dared to be jealous when somebody she loved was dead. It nearly made Lexi smile, the naivete, the fear of losing Lexi for someone else, so long dead. Yes, Victoria was dead for more than 600 years. Her bones were already consumed by the Earth she loved so much. She wished to be buried there, in her home town, the first and last time Lexi walked on that planet.
"I'm…. I'm sorry Lexi…" Sara was not sure what to say, how to react. The information Lexi had given were too little to make any assumptions, but she tried to make contact, friendly maybe, but filled with pain within her own heart, feeling for someone she loved deeply and scared about. Although, truth was that jealousy was there somewhere as a silent voice screaming, owning, claiming. Lexi finally turned her head towards Sara and looked at her silently.
"I killed her…" That was all she could say, all the explanation she could give Sara this moment and it was obvious in her eyes she could not talk anymore. Her eyes were red, but tears dried with the last of Victoria's breath she visualised in front of her. The pain, the guilt, the self-hate, all went silent. Everywhere was just silence.
In Sara too. It was hard to process those words, they were just not logical, did not suit Lexi, did not pass her. She was not a killer not capable of doing something like this. Surely it was an accident, but Lexi was not capable of telling her more, she could see that, the emptiness Sara nearly fell into some time ago was hanging above Lexi and like a Damocles sword alarming Sara it could fall anytime.
"I'm sure… you didn't want to." Said Sara quietly touching Lexi's hands, trying to hold them as tight as possible, trying to transfer her own strength to her as she did few weeks ago for her too.
"I'm not. I don't know what is real about it anymore. I don't know what I wanted in that moment or why it happened. It might be only an illusion lost centuries ago." She was looking at Sara, the words about real and unreal were repeated in her mind like a tantric ritual, making her question every feeling in her this moment, exactly like Peebee said; even the feelings towards Sara. This woman holding her hand watching her movements, worried about her deeply and she was not sure after uttering those words whether she truly loved her or was using her to heal her scars. Maybe she was really that selfish as Addison and Tann said, crossing the boundaries…
Yes, the boundaries of unsaid or undone. She was definitely using Sara now, this confused young human, because her body made her move again, on her own, bringing her too close…. She suddenly smelled the evaporating antiperspirant Sara used, the smell of tiredness and sweat, and anger and confusion, all mixing in a cologne with nearly animalistic effect on Lexi, driving her pure desires wild, a need for a rough sex, something to forget everything, to abandon that image far behind to think straight again.
And Sara accepted. She felt Lexi suddenly kissing her with an urge far from kind or sweet, but driving her mad in the same manner. She learned the rules fast enough to grab Lexi and pull her towards her, pushing her hand on her waist, tracing the perfect shapes, feeding them both with the nature's pure cure to pain. Lexi moaned to her ears, driving Ryder crazy while the kisses stopped and moved their location, Sara tasting Lexi's neck and wrapping her fingers around a hidden button under the black strip of Lexi's clothes, holding the upper part together. When she found it, she ripped it apart, not thinking twice about consequences, trying to get to her bare blue skin as it was the only thing which could make Sara breathe again or the only way how to save Lexi from the pain of lost lover.
Lexi was benevolent and even helping Ryder to rip her clothes and own her body, the leather was screaming in pain when it was turned into pieces, but she did not care. She did the same, with the jacket, the t-shirt, the shawl. She pushed Sara in bed, half naked and stripped both of them completely, touching just by bare skin. She was following Ryder's hand touching her shapes, making its way to her breasts and bent towards her, making them closer to that touch. She stole more kisses from the pink lips and pushed her hips closer to the centre and wet proof of their wild passion. Sara tried to follow her, held her waist and pushed her hard on her own skin so they could sync together in the best way their hot bodies could offer.
In this moment, none of them cared of the sincerity of their feelings. The only issue for Sara was to help this beautiful blue woman dancing on the top of her to reach climax as soon as possible and silence the pain in the roughest expression of their love.