The Shipping Wars - The One With Ladybug's Capslocky Rage
Warning: If you don't like Ladybug swearing like a motherf—ing sailor then I don't suggest reading the following.
Warning 2: Pure, pure crack.
Miles away, as a pigtailed girl fell in a dead faint in the middle of a school hallway, a lone masked figure was scrolling through his social media.
…Which was an entirely sophisticated and elegant thing to do as a villain. Honestly, it was just a good habit to keep track of the going-ons of his favorite nemeses…
So with the perfect amount of grace and aplomb, Hawkmoth eagerly–ugh, systematically– tapped through the most recent trending posts on Ladybug and Chat Noir.
And then, his screen was filled with an atrocity, a single picture taken by that surprisingly informative and professional Ladyblogger, which made him screech-ugh, yell in a manly way–
No.
It couldn't be.
He had worked so hard.
Hawkmoth chucked his phone to the side with a noise of disgust. A swarm of white butterflies scattered as the high-tech device hit the ground.
The evil miraculous holder clenched his hand in disgust. All his hard work, tossed aside like trash by a single meme.
A meme.
Laying neglected on the floor, the bright screen of his phone showed the trending image of a girl in a yellow and red shirt, black lettering proudly declaring #QueenBug.
How dare a random civilian mess with his ultimate goal.
His OTP.
Ladynoir was canon. Well, he would make them canon.
And that bee and turtle, well, they were completely irrelevant. He didn't want their measly little miraculous when he could be a god with the ladybug and black cat ones, and to be honest, he could've cared less about what those two even did when he sent out his beautiful little akumas.
So why did this-this-random Lady M have to go and sink his ship!
It wasn't fair!
If Hawkmoth wasn't such a sophisticated and suave supervillain, he would've stomped his feet in frustration.
All he wanted, besides the teensy matter of acquiring the ultimate power of a god, was for Ladybug and Chat Noir to get together!
But as the Butterfly holder, it was his duty to manipulate emotions, not to become overwhelmed with them, no matter how rightly justified his anger was.
With clenched teeth, he beckoned one of his butterflies to him. Holding it in his palm, he watched as its wings turned a deep purple.
"Go seek out others like me…who thirst for justice in these dark, unsure times. An angry akuma will draw out Ladybug and Chat Noir, and we'll show the world that they belong together!"
With a flap of its wings, the butterfly took off.
Meanwhile…
Ugh…Marinette's brain hurt even more now.
She blinked groggily at the fluorescent lights.
It took her a good couple minutes to realize what exactly had happened.
Before she had fainted away…
Eyes widening, she grabbed an arm (it was Alya's but Marinette didn't even notice) and screamed.
"Mari, Mari…" her best friend's voice became clearer as the ringing in Marinette's head, along with her own vocal screams, died down. "Mari, hon, are you okay?"
A green figure sat crouched in front of her.
"Well, she certainly doesn't look akumatised. But from what I hear, she was acting like it!"
She finally stopped her whimpers and glared at Ni-NOOOPE.
"Ummm…"
Now that Marinette had successfully freaked out, she was just really, really, really, confused.
And tired of everyone's shit.
"Okay…so I'm going home, because I need a nap, and my head hurts. And I really need to wake up from whatever nightmare I'm trapped in right now."
Pulling at the arm (which was still Alya's), she stumbled up on to unsteady feet. Reaching out a hand, she braced herself against the lockers and began walking away, desperately trying to think of anything else besides the three idiots behind her.
"AKUMA!"
Where the hell was that Ladybug luck, huh!?
Five students thundered around corner, obviously running away from something. Marinette recognized Kim and Max among them. They passed with barely a glance, hollering at the top of their lungs.
The three heroes straightened up, facing the end of the corridor.
"Take Marinette away from here. I don't think she's okay right now," Tortuga directed at Alya, who looked conflicted.
Marinette instantly understood her best friend's dilemma. "I'm fine. Alya can stay here to film for her blog. I can get home on my own." Besides, she couldn't transform if Alya was hefted onto her as a babysitter. She'd just warn Alya later as Ladybug.
Though, to be honest, Marinette was highly tempted to actually go home instead of transforming to help the three pains in her ass.
But she was responsible. The only responsible one. So she would swallow her pride, her confusion, and her utter frustration with the dunderheads in order to solve the problem. Because she was freaking Ladybug.
She smiled weakly at Alya, and raced around the corner. Finding an empty classroom, she hurriedly unclasped her bag.
"Tikki, Spots on!"
Moments later, Ladybug joined the others in the hallway, where water was slowly flooding over the school floors.
Time to get down to business. (And defeat the Huns…no, Ladybug, bad Ladybug…your inner Chat is showing)
"Looks like I'm the last one to the party. What'd I miss?"
Chl–Queenie tilted her head, "Don't know actually. Seems like it's just flood right now. We heard more people earlier, but then they stopped yelling."
Ladybug looked behind her, where Alya was crouched behind a water fountain with her phone out.
"Alya, please stay back! I know you really want to document everything, but in a confined space like this, it's gonna be a dangerous one. Especially since we don't know what this akuma wants or does yet."
Alya scrunched her face up for a second, but confronted by a direct order from her hero, she really had no choice but to scurry back around the hall.
"Hey Lady, someone's coming!" Ladybug's head automatically snapped to where Nin–Tortuga (Focus! Ladybug, Focus!) was pointing to, and saw a figure turning the corner.
The akuma was a tall teenaged girl, dressed in a long red and black polka-dotted dress. Her blond hair was done in an odd mimicry of pigtails, though strands were falling out. Two black cat ears sat on top of her head. Ladybug spotted a red and black bracelet dangling from her wrist, where two charms of a ladybug and a black cat could be seen.
The creepiest part were the akuma's mascara smudged eyes. One was blue, the exact same shade as Ladybug's. The other, was an exact replica of Chat Noir's green eyes, sclera and everything.
A couple of students trailed behind her, obviously under the control of the akuma. Their eyes matched the creepy ones of the akumatised girl.
"I am the Fangirl, and I will wreak havoc until Ladynoir is CANON!" With a flourish, a pink canon literally appeared in her hand and was sent flying at them.
"You've gotta be fuc-" The rest of Ladybug's curse was lost as she ducked and rolled out of the way of the cannon, popping up next to Queenie. The canon burst into red smoke, which temporarily filled the hall before dissipating, "-kidding me."
This was stupid. Now the shipping wars between her group of friends was legitimately a Shipping War™ with a bloody akuma.
"Where is that blasted Lady M! I will show her what a true Ladybug fan thinks about her pairing!," she turned towards Ladybug with an out of place smile, "Don't worry, I won't hurt you, I'm your biggest fan of course… BUT LADYNOIR IS OTP!"
With that, the akuma started wailing, and raised her hands towards Ladybug and Chat, who had been trying to sneak up behind her. Ladybug felt a force whip her forward, and tried to fight back, but to no avail.
The akuma brought her hands together, and Chat Noir and Ladybug smashed into each other, before being tied together by a glowing red string.
With another flourish of her hands, she yelled, "Go, my stans!"
The brainwashed kids behind her started surging forward, hands outreached. In low voices, they eagerly chanted, "OTP, OTP, OTP" and "Give us your miraculous!"
Ladybug desperately wriggled herself in an attempt to loosen the string, but it didn't give. An uncomfortable cough from Chat suddenly made her realize their awkward positioning. Ladybug's face was level with his shoulder, and her cheek had been resting against his chest. Now that she was paying attention, her entire body was flush with his, chest to chest, with her left leg in between his.
Her face exploded into a red flush.
And then, as if her own brain was working against her, a tiny voice in the back of her head helpfully supplied, "Hey, this ass of a black cat is actually Adrien Agreste, how bout dah?"
She promptly stopped trying to remove the red strings. In fact, she promptly stopped moving at all.
The flush deepened.
Unluckily for her, (really what was the freaking point of being Ladybug if so much unlucky shit was gonna happen to her) Fangirl caught sight of the blush seeping under the red mask.
"Hah! I told you ! They like each other! See, even Ladybug is blushing, and everyone knows that people only blush in the presence of those they like!"
Ladybug was about to call out her differing opinion, when she suddenly realized that yes, she did like this stupid, idiotic, dorky, sunshine child that happened to wear leather and cat ears in his spare time.
So did that mean she actually shipped Ladynoir now? Technically, she hadn't harbored any romantic feelings for Chat Noir, but Adrien only harbored romantic feelings for Ladybug.
So to be honest, Ladybug x Adrien was the ship that made the most sense. Adribug? Ladydrien-no-Ladrien?
But that wasn't really fair to the Marinette part of her.
Again, she seemed to forget that Marinette and Ladybug, well–they were both her. Or she was both of them?
While Ladybug was having a mini debate in her own head, Chat was busy panicking.
Here he was, literally tied to the love of his life, close enough to smell the flowery sweet scent in her hair, and all he could do was awkwardly cough. And her body, which had been pulled flush against his, stiffened.
Then, Fangirl had gone and pointed out that Ladybug (Ladybug!) had been blushing (blushing!) and he couldn't even see her face because her head had been facing away from him.
God, this day couldn't get any worse (or better, because he had never been so goddamned close to Ladybug before…this was like heaven! Except with an akuma and…you know…)
Chat struggled to keep his raging hormones in check, as he tried to bend and twist the ropes now binding the two together.
"Cataclysm!" A bubble of black destruction appeared in his hand, and he twisted his arm to try to reach the red rope.
The wave of 'stans' were coming even closer now.
Suddenly a blur of yellow flew into them, causing them to crash into the floor, with Ladybug haphazardly situated on top of him. Chat swallowed thickly.
His cataclysm had brushed onto the locker instead. Now he was down a power, had five minutes to spare, and had the love of his life literally straddling him.
"Ugh! You've gotta be kidding me, Hawkmoth, this the best akuma you can come up with?!" Queenie scoffed, translucent wings buzzing gently behind her as she floated above the toppled heroes. "I don't think I've ever been more personally offended by an akuma in my entire life. First you go and insinuate that Ladynoir is gonna actually happen, when everyone knows that QueenBug is totally trending right now, and secondly, HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT YOU'RE HER BIGGEST FAN, THAT TITLE BELONGS TO ME!"
With that, Queen Bee raised her golden staff, which glowed as she shouted, "HIVE MIND!"
Ladybug smirked as she watched Queenie literally dissolve into golden dust. About half of the particles floated at the brainwashed kids, causing them to glow yellow. The other half of the dust re-solidified into Queenie, albeit a more transparent version of her.
Ladybug freaking loved the Bee's special power. What better way to fight mind control than with mind control. It was pretty freaking cool.
At once, the glowing 'stans' all turned towards their previous controller, hands extending as they
Fangirl sobbed even harder as she began blasting her previous helpers with canons. "It's all your fault! Damn you and Lady M! Queen Bug is totally my NOTP!"
A black chain materialized in Fangirl's hand, and wrapped itself around the flying Bee. Struggling, Queenie commanded her workers to untie her, and they turned as one to begin pulling at the bonds.
Tortuga, meanwhile, had been shielding the defenseless Ladybug and Chat Noir with his green shield, hopping this way and that as he tried to protect them from the relentless amount of canons Fangirl threw their way.
"Don't worry dudes, I've got your backs covered!" But he was clearly in a bind, being the only miraculous holder who was, well–not in binds.
"I don't want to hurt you! I just want you two to love each other the way you're supposed to!" Fangirl, tearily laughed, "And then, I'll go take care of that damn Lady M! And the Ladyblogger too! I thought that she of all people would understand the hardships of being a Ladynoir shipper, but she went and enabled the homewrecker!"
Homewrecker's a bit intense. Chat and I aren't in any semblance of a relationship.
Ladybug took a deep breath. Okay…so Fangirl's main goals seemed to be, in this order: make Ladynoir canon, hurt Lady M, and take miraculous stones… It made Ladybug's job slightly easier when the akuma wasn't completely focused on her earrings, though she was still incapacitated by the red rope.
They needed a way out, but how were they supposed to break these unbreakable red bonds?
With a jolt, she remembered what the akuma had screamed before the appearance of the red rope. But Ladynoir is OTP!
If she remembered correctly, Adrien had told her the day before that OTP meant One True Pair.
Did that mean that the ropes would disappear if she made the girl's OTP canon?
Only one way to find out.
With a sigh, and rapidly reddening cheeks, Ladybug bobbed her partner's shoulder with her nose to get his attention.
"I'm gonna get us free…just don't freak out…Also, no guarantee that this is gonna work at all."
Chat bemusedly stared up at her from the floor, green eyes widening when he realized that his crush was shifting her weigh in order to be more centered on top of him.
Ladybug took a deep breath. Okay, here goes nothing LB. It's just your partner. Besides, you've done this before…oh and by the way, he's also Adrien Agreste, the boy you've been in love with forever…just fyi…
Squeezing her eyes shut, lest she chicken out, Ladybug leaned in to where Chat was panicking under her, and pressed her lips firmly to his.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Seconds later, she pulled away, face as red as her suit and mask. Thankfully, she felt the ropes fall away from her shoulders, and she hastily climbed off the black cat. She didn't really want to see his face right now. If she had turned around, she might've mistaken him for a red tomato, and good thing she didn't until much later, as he stayed like that for the next couple minutes, unable to help his partner in any way.
She bounded up just as Fangirl gave a screech of excitement. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED ITS CANNON I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW." Another canon went off in her happiness, and Tortuga easily deflected it as he stared wide eyed at what had just occurred between the red and black heroes.
Queenie, whose transformation was almost about to wear off, looked livid. If she hadn't currently been in chains, she most likely would've stormed up to take Chat's miraculous herself.
Ladybug squared her shoulders. Time to end this.
"LUCKY CHARM!"
She threw her yoyo in the air, and a black t-shirt landed in her arms.
Reading the front of it, she smirked.
She pulled on the shirt, and cocked her hip to the side.
"Sorry to burst your bubble Girly, but I'm afraid nothing is canon right now."
Her shirt proudly displayed the red words, BADASS BUG WHO DON'T NEED NO HERO. Fangirl looked extremely confused at this random turn of events, and didn't seem to know how to react.
Ladybug began stepping closer to Fangirl. "You see, you were really akumatised for no freaking reason. That Lady M who started this whole thing? Well, let's just say she doesn't give a flying SHIT about the love lives of the Parisian heroes. In fact, she would greatly appreciate it if no one gave a rat's ASS about her love life, because I'M REALLY FREAKING PISSED THAT THE ENTIRETY OF PARIS CAN'T STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS AND TAKE A JOKE. IT WAS A T-SHIRT A FREAKING T-SHIRT NOT A DECLARATION OF WAR!"
As Ladybug really started ranting, she was close enough to the confused and astonished akuma that their noses almost touched. Eyes glowing from pure rage, frustration, and anger from the past two days caused the akuma to shrink back. Without even putting up a fight, the terrified Fangirl let Ladybug snatch her bracelet and crumple it up in a single hand.
Ladybug pulled out her yoyo, and without taking her glare off of the cowering girl, purified the purple butterfly that had tried to escape.
"Bye Bye you bitch of a Butterfly."
Ripping off the shirt, she snapped out a "Miraculous Ladybug" and turned her glare to her shocked team mates as an exhausted teenaged girl immediately fainted after being surrounded by purple bubbles. Queen Bee's workers all disappeared as the miraculous cure swept them off to whatever they had been doing previously. Now, it was just the four of them in the hallway.
"And you three! WHAT PART OF SECRET IDENTITY DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND! JESUS CHRIST IT ONLY TOOK ME TWELVE HOURS TO FIGURE OUT ALL THREE OF YOUR IDENTITIES AND YOU ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO BE A SUPERHERO WHEN YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR PATHETIC MOUTHS SHUT!"
Ladybug snarled and suddenly grabbed Tortuga by the fabric of his suit. "YOU! YOU STARTED THIS SHIT AND BOUGHT ME THE STUPID SHIRT SO REALLY IM TEMPTED TO DUMP YOU INTO THE SEINE FOR ALL THE TROUBLE AND HEADACHES THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED!"
She dropped him and poked Queenie, who was desperately looking for a place to hide as her comb began flashing to signify her time was up. "OH GIVE IT UP CHLOE, WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING TO FIND A PLACE TO HIDE WHEN YOU TRANSFORMED IN PLAIN SIGHT ANYWAY! AND ALSO, I'M MAD BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ENCOURAGED THE QUEEN BUG SHIP AND THAT CAUSED A FREAKING AKUMA. AND I'M EVEN MADDER BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY PROVED THAT I HAVE A THING FOR BLONDES BUT ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN CAUSE WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER IN REAL LIFE"
Finally, her eyes narrowed at Chat, who had tried to back away from the tiny raging bug. He could hear his ring beeping frantically. She grabbed his collar. "This is actually all your fault, " the volume of her voice had gone down, but none of the sharpness had disappeared. "If you weren't so goddamned cute, I wouldn't have been mad that you were shipping me with you , I wouldn't have been competitive enough to let Nino freaking manipulate me into actually caring about ships, I wouldn't have started a meme that would literally escalate into an akuma and then I wouldn't have had to kiss you, for the second time, and liked it more than I did last time, and I wouldn't be doing this–" She angrily smashed her lips into his, "again, you fucker, and I wouldn't be needing a whole bottle of Advil after this day, because I have the worst headache, and really it's all your fault."
Here, Chat's transformation dropped, and Tortuga and Queenie automatically closed their eyes.
Ladybug snorted. "Please, we all know each other anyway. I'm sooooo gonna kill Fu for giving the miraculous to four people in the same class." She muttered the last part under her breath.
Adrien Agreste now nervously stood in her front of her, brain still not properly working after being kissed twice (twice!) by his crush.
"I'm so mad at you."
He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, "What I did you to–I, mean, what did you do me to-shit, uhm…What did I do to yu-fuck it…I'm sorry?"
Ladybug punched him in the arm, which caused him to wince now that his suit was off. She was unapologetic.
"I hate you."
"Join the club, Ladybug." A blur of black floated up to greet her, "Name's Plagg. I am sincerely sorry that I am in fact the main enabler of this dork's leather and cat kinks. Really, if you want to whoop his sorry ass right now, feel free."
Adrien groaned, and made a move to snatch the smirking kwami out of the air, but he just darted out of the way.
A sparkle of gold suddenly caught their eyes, as Queen Bee's transformation dropped into that of Chloe Bourgeois, whose eyes were still tightly screwed shut.
Unfortunately for her, Adrien's eyes were not.
"Chlo?"
Her eyes snapped open. "Adrikins? The hell?"
Suddenly, an understanding dawned in her blue orbs. "Hah! I always thought that Ladybug pillow was always just a weird kink of yours to get off, but I guess-"
"–I don't have any kinks!"
"Says the kid who prances around in skintight leather."
"Shut up Plagg!"
Chloe snapped her manicured fingers. "Wait…so I've been fighting you this entire time for Ladybug's affections! That's not fair! Adri, you always give me what I want." Her eyes narrowed dangerously at her friend.
"Wait a hot sec…"Nino's confused voice broke through the awkward tension, his eyes squeezed shut. "Chloe…Adrikins…" Slowly, he opened a singular eye, and choked on air as soon as he spotted the two blonds.
"Dude…this is messed up bro. I mean, what are the chances that three of us are in the same class."
"Four."
Tortuga glanced at Ladybug, who was exasperatedly watching them. "What was that?"
"Four of us are in the same class."
"How do you know?"
"Didn't I just make it abundantly clear that the three of you completely suck at identities…" Ladybug snarked back.
Chloe, who had been busy glaring at her friend, suddenly paused to let her brain catch up with all Ladybug had said in the past ten minutes. Because Ladybug, infamously protective of her own identity, had let slip tiny tid bits in her rage.
In fact, she would greatly appreciate it if no one gave a rat's ASS about her love life, because I'm really freaking pissed that the entirety of Paris can't stay out of my fucking business and take a joke.
You started this shit and bought me the stupid shirt.
And I'm even madder because you totally proved that I have a thing for blondes. (Okay, admittedly, that had nothing to do with Ladybug's identity but still.)
I wouldn't have started a meme that would literally escalate into an akuma.
"Ladybug…are you Lady M?"
The red-spotted heroine stilled.
Chloe twitched.
Then–"Hah! Even Ladybug didn't ship you with her!" This was vindictively addressed to Adrien.
"At least I got to kiss her twice!"
Ladybug sighed. "Three times actually, but who's keeping count."
While Adrien might not have wrapped his head around what Ladybug had basically just admitted to earlier, Tortuga immediately understood.
In a flash of green, Nino was standing next to them, a green kwami resting calmly on his shoulder. "Well, shit–Mari?"
Mari? Chloe thought confusedly.
Mari? Lady M? Ladybug? Chatdrien's brain was finally catching up.
Time for me to do what I do best, thought Ladybug. RUN!
For the second day in a row, Ladybug turned and hightailed it out of there.
…
As two of the three untransformed heroes stared dumbfounded at her retreating back, a certain blond boy caught onto something Ladybug had mentioned earlier. Twice.
"WAIT, MY LADY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'VE KISSED BEFORE!"
I'm personally very proud of the crap and crack my brain has the ability to think of.
Also...first time I wrote an akuma...and it was a literal joke.
Let me know what you think, and I'm definitely gonna try and continue, I enjoy writing this way too much.
FrozenO