Raph isn't sure if he can remember what it's like to feel comfortable in your skin, to feel just the way you want to feel, to feel, well, not torn. Yes, there's been a time when he felt that way, a time when he was angry because he felt angry and comfortable because he felt comfortable. But that time seems ages ago. Or like it happened in another lifetime.
Now he has to act angry although he feels comfortable and the other way round. Because that's what he should feel.
He can't show how comfortable he is around April, he can't show how angry he gets when she spends time with Donnie or Casey or even Mikey, and that's why he has to act the way he is supposed to feel. It's unsettling, but he can't even show that. The acting, that's all that's left.
All in all, it feels so wrong. He feels so wrong. Like that's not him. Like there's the real him hidden somewhere inside him and his skin is the border he just cannot cross.
Maybe that's the reason why it feels like his skin is crawling sometimes. Or on fire. Or like it is just too tight for him.
He hates this feeling, he hates that he has to act, he hates that he has to hide what's going on inside him. And he hates that he can't even talk about it.
That's why the time he looks after Leo, the time he spends on that stool and watches his unconscious brother breathe, is so important to him. That's his safe place. That's where he allows himself to show that he's sad. That's where he allows himself to show how much he hates all of this.
Yes, it's his safe place, indeed. Because showing his true emotions here is safe.
If someone ever catches him wiping away a tear, they'd think it's because he's worried about Leo. Which he is, of course, just not in the way they think.
If they catch him sitting on his stool clenching his fists so much that his knuckles turn white and gnashing his teeth so much that it hurts, they'd think it's because he hates that Leo still hasn't woken up. Which he does, of course, but not in the way they think.
At some point, he's even starting to hate himself for feeling so safe there in the bathroom. What if that's the reason why Leo hasn't woken up? Because Raph is safe here and Leo just doesn't want to take that away from him.
It's a stupid thought, Raph knows that. But somehow, it settles deep inside him and it makes him feel bad. Very bad, to be honest. But that's okay. He can show this feeling at least. Although he might have to say that he's feeling bad because Leo hasn't woken up yet if someone asks about it. Which they don't. They never do.
No one has ever asked Raph about his feelings. And that's a good thing. While he has become really good at acting, he isn't so sure if he'd be as good when it comes to saying the right words. Acting the feelings he is supposed to have is easy now, but saying the words he is supposed to say? That's a totally different thing. He's never been that good at talking. Sometimes, he even has problems finding the right words, so how on earth is he supposed to find the words he is supposed to say?
Raph sighs as he studies Leo's face.
"This is so messed up, Leo," he says.
He never really felt like talking to Leo, but right now, Raph just has to talk to someone, even if this someone is unconscious. Or maybe because this someone is unconscious. Raph isn't so sure about that.
Yes, he knows that Leo might remember what he says once he wakes up, but these words are safe, aren't they? Just as safe as this place is. As long as he keeps them vague, everything is going to be okay, right?
But he really needs to talk to someone.
Raph wipes over his faces with one hand.
"You have no idea how messed up this is, Leo," he goes on. "I am so angry and torn and just feeling … off. Yes, off is the right word, I guess." He studies his brother's face a little more closely. "I am feeling so off, Leo, like there's the real me deep inside me and the me I am supposed to be on the outside. It's just … wrong." He lowers his eyes, his voice barely more than a whisper as he continues, "So wrong, Leo, so very wrong."
He allows the sadness to get the upper hand, he doesn't even try to blink the tears away.
When he looks up, his vision is blurry, but he can see one thing for sure.
Two blue eyes are looking back at him.