Just a reminder, this story is AU. So if some things don't fit the show's canon, that's why. ;)
"Leo?!" Raph calls out and launches forward, his hands grabbing the rim of the tub. "You-you're awake!"
He darts to the door and tears it open.
"Guys!" he calls as loudly as he can. "Get up here!"
And then he's back by the tub and looks at Leo. He's wacking his brain for the right words, but he fails completely.
So he asks instead, "How are you feeling?" Which is probably a stupid question, but the only one that makes sense.
"Are you in pain?" he asks further which doesn't sound as stupid.
Leo opens his mouth to say something, but in that moment, the others come running in, gathering around the tub.
"Hi guys!" Leo says to them, and his voice sounds so so hoarse, so raspy, so wrong, it hurts Raph's ears.
"What happened to his voice?" he asks into Donnie's direction who's checking Leo's condition.
"He sustained some damage to his throat," Donnie replies. "And pretty much everywhere else, for that matter."
Raph doesn't ask the other question on his mind, the one that sends a pang to his heart.
So is he going to sound like that forever?
He doesn't like it, not one bit. He remembers Leo's voice so very well. He can still hear it in his head.
And now Leo is going to have a different voice for the rest of his life? Raph isn't sure if he can handle that. Yes, he can deal with scars because if he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't have to. Scars can be ignored. Scars can be covered. A voice? Not so much. And Raph doesn't like that now Leo's voice is always going to remind him of what happened. Of all the messed-up things. Of Shredder. The Kraang. The invasion of New York. Of the fact that Leo almost died.
He can feel a cold fist close around his heart, squeezing, hurting. And he doesn't like that either.
But when Donnie asks him for help to get Leo out of the tub and into their room, Raph is by his side immediately.
Because this is him, Raph, and he will always help his brothers.
Days pass and Raph still isn't used to Leo's new voice. It still sends a pang to his heart whenever his brother speaks up.
But Raph decides that he just needs to endure it. He'll get used to it one day. Hopefully.
Raph makes it his business to help Leo recover, to get him back in shape. This means that he has to hear Leo's new voice more often, but that is fine. Maybe it'll help.
So it is him who forces Leo to go for little walks to build up some muscles. It is him who makes sure that Leo takes this weird mutagen-medicine Donnie cooked up.
And that's okay. It gives Raph something to do. And he needs something to do, now that he no longer has his safe place. And maybe that's even better than his safe place because he doesn't have as much time to think.
Which he decides is a good thing. But he's wrong. Because as he can't think about all these things that bother him during the day, the thoughts find him during the night.
It doesn't bother him that he spends the first night after Leo's woken up, lying awake. It doesn't bother him that he spends the following night lying awake. He can handle a few nights without sleep. Heck, he has barely slept while Leo was unconscious, so that shouldn't be so hard, right? Just a few nights without sleep until he's used to the new rhythm, and everything's going to be okay, right?
No. Because it doesn't work. He doesn't get used to this new rhythm, he just can't sleep. Not one second. And after four days, it's starting to show. He zones out, he dozes off while watching TV, one time even during breakfast. He thinks it's a good sign because maybe that means he's finally tired enough to sleep at night. But as soon as he lies down in his bed, he's wide awake.
He isn't sure if it is the fact that he's starting to look like a zombie that makes Donnie and Mikey insist to take Leo for his walk, but he can't even muster up enough anger to protest. He's too finished for that. So he just sits down on the couch and stares at the TV. He doesn't even see what's on. He doesn't even care. Maybe ha can take a nap, just a few minutes, just long enough that he stops looking like a zombie.
From the distance he can hear someone chopping wood and someone puttering around in the kitchen. He remembers that Casey mentioned something about chopping wood, so it obviously must be April's turn to cook lunch.
April…
And he's wide awake again. He lets out a frustrated groan and slaps his hand over his face.
"Raph?" someone says and when he looks up he finds April standing in the living room and looking at him.
"Yeah?" he asks.
"Are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" he asks back, not even trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
"No, you don't," April says, and Raph watches with rising panic that she walks up to the couch and sits down next to him. He somehow manages to keep the look on his face normal. Or as bad as he's feeling. Or so he hopes.
"You haven't been sleeping, right?" April asks.
"Well, I guess that's pretty obvious from the zombie-state I'm in, huh?" He says it with as much annoyance as he can muster up and turns back to the TV. He hopes that shows her that he doesn't want her here. He needs to keep April at a distance, and she's already too close, way too close!
April doesn't say anything which confuses him, so he looks at her from the corner of his eye. And he doesn't like what he says. April looks at him with wide eyes, and there's something in her eyes that looks like sadness, maybe? Or discomfort or … well, he doesn't know. He only knows he doesn't like it.
He turns back to her completely. "What?"
April studies his face, and it makes his skin prickle, but he ignores it as much as he can.
"Why are you always like that?" she asks.
"What do you mean?" he asks back.
"Well, this, you!" April calls out what makes him jump a little. "Sometimes, you act like you don't want to have me around you. How is this possible, Raph? We've been through so much together! I trust you! And I know you trust me! So why do you act so weird?"
That's because I love you, but you can never find out!
Those are the words on his mind, but he can never say them.
He could now tell her that he doesn't like her, that she's wrong and he doesn't trust her and he just bears with her because his brothers like her so much.
Yes, he could tell her that. And maybe he should. It for sure would keep her away from him, once and for all.
But he can't do that. He cares too much about her to hurt her like that. Not to mention that it makes him so very happy that she said that she trusts him.
His mask falters a bit, he knows that, as he wipes over his face with his hand.
"I'm sorry," he says. "It's just … I don't know. I guess I am just in a bad mood most of the time. So many things have happened, and I guess I am just not good at dealing with them." He looks at her, allows himself to look deeply into her eyes. "Don't tell the others, though. I have a reputation to keep. You know, I'm the tough guy."
April nods a little. "Okay, that makes sense, I guess. But why me? You are best friends with Casey and he joined our little group after me."
"I wish I knew," he lies. "All I know is that I'm sorry."
That last sentence isn't a lie. He is sorry. Sorry that he has to act like that around her. Sorry that he has to keep her at a distance. Sorry that he has to lie to her.
April lowers her eyes. "Is there something you can do about it? I am … not happy with this."
"I'll try," he says.
"Okay." April looks up at him.
"For a start, I'll try to get some sleep," he says, hoping that she'll leave now. She's been too close for too long already.
"Maybe I can help with that," she replies.
"How?" he asks.
"Just lie down and close your eyes," April says as she gets up from the couch.
Raph raises a brow, but does as he's told.
"It's something my dad used to do when I couldn't sleep as a kid," she explains, and her voice sounds so close that Raph has to fight the urge to open his eyes again, so that he can check how close exactly she is.
And then he feels April's fingers on his temples, gently, carefully massaging them. It almost makes him jump off the couch, but he can fight it down. But April's gentle touches make his heart race in his chest that he's pretty sure that he'll be too excited to actually fall asleep.
But after a while, he relaxes. He even starts to enjoy it, although he probably shouldn't.
This is actually feeling very nice, is the last thought he thinks before he drifts off to sleep.