This story is something I've been thinking about for a while. I haven't watched the whole Private Practice series, so everything might not be exact, but I tried my best to make it as accurate as possible. I would really like something like this to happen in the show because I really think Owen needs and deserves to know why Amelia doesn't want a baby. Hopefully you guys enjoy it! :)
She was all whole and healed. She had been whole and healed for a while, except the thing was she wasn't whole and she wasn't healed. On the outside she was beautiful, strong and brave, but whenever she found herself alone, it seemed like her world would fall apart.
She never had an easy life. She watched her father get shot when she was just a little girl, her boyfriend died, her brother died and her baby died. Everyone she loved, died. She struggled with addiction for many years, but now she was all whole and healed. She was married, had a great husband, and more sisters than she could count on one hand. But she loved it. As annoying as her sisters were sometimes, she loved them, and her husband. Owen was perfect. They had it all. Except kids. Owen wanted kids. He wanted them so bad, and so did she. She really did want kids, but at the same time, she didn't want them. She couldn't handle the heartache if something happened to another baby. She wouldn't survive it.
The day her son died was vivid in her mind. It always was. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't forget the feeling of watching her baby die. Watching the lifeless body being taken away by doctors. She knew that her baby had saved many lives when he donated his organs, but it still hurt. The hardest part sometimes was that she couldn't tell Owen why she was scared to have a baby. She wanted to tell him so bad, she knew once he knew he would understand, but she couldn't handle the look, the look of sympathy she got every time. She hated that look.
Amelia sat at the desk in the ER watching patients come and go. It was a quiet day in the ER and she knew that a quiet ER was a bad sign. She knew at any moment the phone would ring, or a trauma would come in or one of her patients upstairs would need her. She enjoyed the quiet, but she knew the quiet was a bad sign.
Before she knew it a call had come in. An ambulance with a 5-year-old boy was on the way. She paged Meredith and Alex and headed out to meet the ambulance. Within minutes the ambulance had pulled up and Alex and Meredith stood next to Amelia to meet it. The paramedics jumped out of the rig and opened the doors.
"Parker Lowe, five years old, had a seizure. Seized once on route for two minutes, but stopped with a dose of lorazepam."
Amelia checked Parker's pupils and proceeded to rush him into a trauma room. Alex followed behind, while Meredith stopped to talk to and console the mother. Once in the trauma room, Amelia was able to get a better look at Parker. Before they even had a chance to do another exam he began to seize again.
"Someone get me another dose of lorazepam and call up to CT and let them know we're coming."
Amelia and Alex left the ER with the boy on their way to CT. Meredith stayed with the mother to get some information from her.
"Mrs. Lowe, can you tell me about Parker. Did anything happen to cause the seizure?"
Parker's mother was frantic, between sobs she tried to console herself enough to tell Meredith what had happened.
"It's ok, just take your time. But I do need to know what happened."
"Parker was fine. Yesterday we went to the zoo and he was so happy, but last night he had a slight fever. He wasn't really complaining he was sick so I didn't think much of it, until this morning when he was throwing up and complaining of a headache and a stomach ache and next thing I know he's seizing."
Meredith took Mrs. Lowe to the waiting room and told her she was going to go up to CT and check on Parker. She was just about to leave when Mrs. Lowe made her stop in her tracks.
"You don't think he's rejecting the heart do you?"
"Rejecting the heart?"
"When Parker was five months old he had a heart transplant."
Meredith's eyes widened as the boy's mother spoke.
"When he was born, right from the start we knew there was something wrong. The doctors did tests and discovered he had hyperplastic left heart syndrome. We almost lost him twice. They put him on the transplant list when he was four months old and at five months he had the transplant. He's been fine ever since."
Meredith took in all the information and left to go let Alex and Amelia know what she had found out. When she got there they were both in the CT booth waiting for the images to come up.
"Is there anything on the scans?" Meredith asked before saying anything about the heart transplant.
"The scans just came up and...they seem to be clear. I don't see anything that looks concerning." Alex reassured her.
"Well good, because he had a heart transplant."
Alex and Amelia both stopped and just looked at Meredith.
"A heart transplant?" You didn't think to start with that?" Alex barked at her.
"I'm sorry. The mother just told me. He had a transplant when he was five months old. Yesterday he had a slight fever and then this morning he was throwing up and complaining of a headache and stomach ache."
Alex continued to examine to scans but still determined there was nothing of concern. Amelia also agreed that his head CT was clear, which was a good thing, but still left them with unknown answers. Alex decided it was best to get Parker set up in peds overnight for observation and to run more tests to see if they could figure out what caused the seizure.
While Alex took Parker and got him set up in a room, Meredith and Amelia went down to find Parker's mom and let her know what their plan is.
"Mrs. Lowe, this is Dr. Shepherd, she's the head of neuro here and has taken an extensive look at Parker's scans."
"Mrs. Lowe, I looked very closely at Parker's head CT and there was nothing of concern on any of his scans. This is a good thing; however, it doesn't explain why he had the seizures. We're going to keep him here overnight for observation and to run some more tests, but if all comes back clear, you should be able to take him home tomorrow."
"Thank you so much. I was so worried he was rejecting his heart. This wasn't caused by his heart was it?"
"As far as I can tell the seizure was not caused by his heart, but I am going to have our cardio surgeon take a look at him just to be sure. Where did he have the transplant? Just so we can get a copy of his chart."
"He was born at St. Ambrose Hospital in LA. He was there for the first five months of his life and had his transplant there on May 15th, 2012."
Amelia smiled and she thanked Mrs. Lowe for the information and told her she would be up later to check on Parker. Amelia hurried off before Meredith even had a chance to say anything else to her. She brought Mrs. Lowe up to Parker's room and told them both she'd be back soon to check on them.
As Meredith walked out of Parker's room and handed the chart to the nurse, she looked around for Amelia. Meredith knows Amelia as good as anyone can, so she knows she can be moody and unpredictable sometimes, but the look Amelia got in her eyes when Mrs. Lowe spoke of Parker's heart transplant was one Meredith had not seen before. It was a look Meredith was fearful of.
Amelia went to the first on call room she could find that was empty and locked the door. She was numb. Her mind was numb; her body was numb. She couldn't feel anything.
May 15th, 2012, that is one day that Amelia would never forget. But one that she didn't want to remember. Why did it have to be that date? The memories flashed through her mind. Ones she tried so hard to forget. Memories the people around her didn't even know existed were flooding her. She needed to know. She needed to know if what she thought was happening was actually happening.
Meredith found Amelia a short time later outside the nurses station on the peds floor. She could tell just by looking at Amelia that something was off, but she also knew not to push her. Pushing her was the worst thing to do to Amelia. Before Meredith even got a chance to ask any questions, Amelia spoke up.
"Did you page cardio to come have a look at Parker?"
"Maggie is going to come up. She's waiting on the hospital in LA to send over Parker's charts."
"Oh, Maggie is getting the charts? Has she looked at them yet?"
"I'm not sure. I haven't seen her in a while."
"Ok. Thanks."
Meredith nodded before speaking up again.
"Amelia are you ok? You just seem a little distant since this morning."
"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'll talk to you later."
Meredith brushed Amelia's reaction off and went in to check on Parker. Since seeing him this morning, Parker had been doing much better. His lab results were still coming back clear which was a good sign that his seizures were just a fluke.
A little while later Meredith found Maggie coming out of Parker's room.
"How's he doing? How's his heart?"
"It looks as good as can be. I did an echo and it doesn't look like his heart caused the seizures. I looked closely over the notes from his transplant and his follow ups and everything is right where it should be. I will continue to monitor him over the next few months, but everything looks good."
"That's great. His mother will be very happy his heart is fine…Has Amelia come to find you? She wanted to look at the charts that were sent from LA."
"I'm on my way to meet her now actually. I'll see you after."
Maggie found Amelia with her head in her hands sat in the attending's lounge. Maggie knew instantly that something was bothering Amelia, but Maggie also knew not to push for information. Not with Amelia. Sometimes it was just best to let Amelia figure things out and wait for her to process a situation. But Maggie knew this time was different. Amelia needed someone now.
"Amelia are you ok? I have the charts you wanted."
Amelia lifted her head from her hands and revealed terrified eyes. She wanted those charts so bad, but she was so afraid of the information they held. Once she opened those charts and revealed what she knew in her heart was in them nothing would be the same. No one would look at her the same. Owen. Owen would treat her different. He would say he wouldn't, but he would. The look of pity. She didn't want pity. That's why no one knows. Her past is a secret.
Amelia assured Maggie she was fine before taking the charts and leaving the room with them. She went to an on call room and locked the door. She sat down with the chart in her hands. She tried to open the chart when she realized her hands were shaking. She took and few deep breaths and opened the chart. It only took reading three lines of the chart to figure out what she already knew. That little boy has her sons heart.
It didn't matter if she wanted to read more of the chart, because even if she did, she couldn't see it with the tears in her eyes. She didn't need to read the rest of the chart to know what was in there. She knew everything. She lived everything. It was her life. A piece of her life was in this chart. It was in that little boy.
Amelia sat alone in the on call room for what seemed like hours. As much as she wanted to be alone, she needed to talk to someone. She wanted Derek. She wanted to talk to Derek. She wanted to tell him about his nephew and how she wished he had met him, but she couldn't talk to Derek. Derek was gone. She couldn't talk to Owen. She wasn't ready for him to know. She wasn't ready for Mer or Maggie to know. She wanted to talk to someone, but she still needed her secret. She picked up her pager and paged the one person she knew would understand and the one person she knew would keep her secret.
A few minutes later a knock came at the door. When Amelia opened the door she came face to face with Alex. She wasn't sure why, but she knew she could confide in Alex.
"Hey, you paged? What's up?" Alex knew immediately that this page wasn't a good page. He knew something was up.
"You know your patient, Parker Lowe?"
"Yeah, the kid who had the seizure."
"He had a heart transplant when he was five months old." Amelia informed him.
"Yeah I know. Maggie came up earlier and took a look at him. She said his heart wasn't the cause of the seizure. She didn't come talk to you?"
"No, umm, yeah she did. But he had a heart transplant. May 15th, 2012 at St. Ambrose Hospital in LA."
"Amelia, I read his chart. What's going on?"
"Remember a while ago I told you I had a baby when I was in LA and he died and donated his organs…"
Suddenly Alex knew exactly where Amelia was going with this. He knew exactly what she was trying to tell him. When he looked at her, he could see her eyes filled with tears.
"That little boy has your sons heart…"
Amelia nodded to Alex before crumbling to the floor in grief. Alex immediately went over and picked her up in his arms. He had never been overly close to Amelia, but for whatever reason she chose to confide in him and he wasn't going to let her down. If she needed a person, he could be her person too. He held her for as long as she needed. When she finally lightened her grip Alex's scrub top was covered in her tear stains. He looked at her sympathetically and asked her what she wanted to do.
"Do you want to go see the kid? I can talk to his mother."
"I want to hear it."
"You what?"
"I want to hear his heartbeat. I want…I need to know what it sounds like."
Alex nodded and grabbed Amelia by the hand. He gave it a reassuring squeeze and went to open the door.
"Come on. Let's go hear Parker's heartbeat."
Amelia and Alex stopped outside Parker's room. Amelia looked at the little boy through the window. He was perfect. He had his whole life ahead of him and he could be anything he wanted. Alex placed his hand on Amelia's shoulder.
"Are you ready?"
She wasn't sure. She never imagined she would get this opportunity. She wasn't sure if she would have ever wanted it. The grief was almost too much to bear. She was supposed to be whole and healed and this might break her.
"I need to do this on my own."
Alex smiled and nodded. "I'll wait out here if you need me."
Amelia took a deep breath and walked into Parker's room.
She entered the room unsure of what she was going to say to Parker and his mother and unsure of how she would react. She was trying to be strong, but her track record for strong wasn't the best. When Parker's mother noticed Amelia stood there she spoke up.
"Dr. Shepherd? Is everything ok? Is Parker ok?
Amelia snapped out of the trance she was in when Mrs. Lowe spoke to her.
"Oh, umm Mrs. Lowe…umm yeah Parker is fine"
She looked at Amelia confused. Amelia was trying so hard to hide her feelings but the longer she looked at Parker, the harder it became.
"Mrs. Lowe, can I talk to you about something?"
"Yes, of course" She nodded as Amelia braced herself for what she was about to tell the woman.
"Umm, it's about Parker's heart."
"Oh I knew something was wrong. He's rejecting it isn't he?"
"Oh no. Parker's heart is fine. Parker is fine. He's perfect."
The woman just continued to look at Amelia. She was fearful even though Amelia had told her Parker was fine. Amelia was afraid to talk. She wasn't sure if she wanted this anymore. It was too much, but Parker's mother wouldn't back down. She needed to know why Amelia was there and why she was talking about her son's heart.
"Dr. Shepherd?"
"I had a baby."
Parker's mother was confused. She didn't know why Amelia was telling her this. "Umm, congratulations?"
"No. I had a baby. May 15th, 2012." The look in Mrs. Lowe's eyes turned confused. She knew the significance of the date, but she wasn't sure why it mattered that Amelia had a baby that day.
"Before I lived in Seattle I lived in LA. I had a baby, a baby boy on May 15th, 2012. He was born with a condition that caused his brain not to develop, so essentially he was born without a brain."
Mrs. Lowe's eyes turned from confusion to sadness. "Oh, Dr. Shepherd, I'm so sorry." Amelia nodded at the woman and with every ounce of strength she had continued to tell her story.
"I knew about the condition before he was born, so I decided that when he was born to donate his organs. I got to hold him for a few minutes before they took him away, but he saved so many people. He helped so many families."
Amelia didn't even notice that tears were streaming down her face until she noticed Mrs. Lowe wiping tears from her own eyes. She knew what Amelia was telling her.
"When we found out about Parker's heart transplant our cardio surgeon wanted to have a look at his file so St. Ambrose sent it over. I knew after reading the first three lines of his chart…I knew that Parker had gotten my baby's heart."
Mrs. Lowe was speechless. She couldn't believe what Amelia was telling her. Amelia on the other had was doing everything she could to keep herself together. She was surprised she hadn't crumbled to a sobbing ball on the floor. Amelia closed her eyes and took and deep breath and when she opened her eyes Mrs. Lowe was embracing her in a hug.
"Dr. Shepherd I cannot thank you enough. When Parker was sick it felt like my whole world was crumbling. But when we got that call that there was a heart, it was, well the best feeling in the world. I was so happy that Parker was going to get his chance that I never even stopped to think about the family that lost a child. The mother whose heart was breaking. I'm so sorry."
"No, please don't be sorry. My baby was sick. He wouldn't have survived and him being able to save people was the best gift he could have given me. I do have something to ask you though."
"Of course, anything."
"Can I listen to Parker's heart?" Tears stung Amelia's eyes again as Mrs. Lowe nodded and motioned her eagerly towards Parker. She pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and walked towards Parker. Parker had a huge smile on his face when Amelia approached him. "Hey Parker. Do you think I can take a listen to your heart?" He nodded and pulled up his shirt for Amelia to listen.
Amelia approached Parker cautiously knowing exactly what was about to happen, but not in any way prepared. When she placed the stethoscope on Parker's chest she heard a sound like she had heard a million times before, except this time was different. The sound of this heart was perfect. His heart, the heart she created, was beating perfectly inside this little boy. Amelia was overcome with emotions. She had to grab onto the rail of Parker's bed to steady herself from the sobs that overcame her body.
She removed the stethoscope from her ears and thanked Parker quickly before he noticed her tears. Before she had a chance to leave the room found herself embraced in another hug from Mrs. Lowe, "I can't thank you enough Dr. Shepherd. You are my hero." Amelia gave her a small smile and wiped the tears from her eyes. She excused herself from the room and walked out into the hall.
As walked out into the hall and her teary eyes met with Alex. He had waited for her just like he said he would.
"It was beautiful. The sound of his heart was perfect."
He walked over to her and embraced her in a hug. She had been crying but when Alex held her it was like everything she had been holding in was released. Alex held her tighter. He would hold her for as long as she needed and right now she needed him.
When the sobbing finally began to subside Alex lightened his grip. He looked at her with his sympathetic, but kind eyes.
"Is there anything you need? Anything I can get you?"
She knew she wouldn't feel better. She was glad she had this chance, it did help, but it brought so many emotions. She couldn't do this alone. Not anymore.
"Owen. I need Owen."
"I'll page him for you."
"Thank you Alex. Thank you for everything."
Alex smiled and laid his hand on her shoulder. "I'm here for you if you ever need to talk or anything."
Amelia went to the on all room to wait for Owen. She had no idea how long he would be, but all she wanted was his arms around her. Sure, things hadn't always been the easiest with their relationship, but she still loved him. With him she could be herself. Her completely messed up self. He stuck by her, even when he had every right to run.
It was a half hour later when a knock came on the on call room door and Owen appeared. Amelia had never felt so much relief in her life. The second their eyes met Amelia ran for him. He picked her up and held her tight. Giving her a kiss on her forehead he asked if everything was ok. When she didn't respond, he lowered her to the ground and cupped her head in his hands. It was then he knew something was up. He could see it in her eyes. She had a look in her eyes, one he had only seen once before. It was a look he hoped he would never see again.
"Amelia, what is it? What's wrong?"
As her eyes filled with tears again she looked Owen right in the eyes. This was it. She was going to tell him. She should have done this long ago, but she wasn't strong enough until now.
"Owen, sit down. I have to tell you something."
Owen did as he was told and sat down, but he was faced with a mixture of emotions. He was concerned for Amelia as she was visibly upset, but also fearful as to what she was going to tell him.
"So you know how I told you before I didn't want to have a baby?"
"Yes I do, but Amelia, I don't want to fight about this anymore."
"No, we're not fighting. I just want you to listen." Owen nodded at her request.
"Before I moved to Seattle I lived in LA and worked in a hospital there."
"I know that." Owen responded confused. "I was chief when you came here first to work with Derek. I remember you coming from LA."
"I had a baby." Amelia blurted the words out so fast she didn't even have a chance to think about not saying them.
"I'm sorry you what?" Owen responded in a confused tone, thinking he misunderstood what she said, or at least what she meant.
"I had a baby. Five years ago. A baby boy."
"Amelia, I…I don't understand."
"He had anencephaly and was born without a brain." Tears began to stream down Amelia's face as she told Owen. "He lived for 43 minutes and I held him while he was alive, and then he donated all of his organs."
"Amelia, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't tell anyone. None of my family know. Derek didn't even know. I didn't want the pity. I didn't want them to treat me different. It almost killed me."
Owen grabbed Amelia by the hand and pulled her into his chest. He held her and kissed her. He didn't know what to say. He knew Amelia had been through a lot, but this. This was something she should not have gone through alone. Before he could even say anything to her, Amelia spoke up again.
"There's a kid up in peds. He's five and he came in today after have a seizure. I checked him out and he's doing good, but his mom was worried because he had a heart transplant when he was five months old. His family is from LA, that's where he was born and when I found out I just got a feeling. Maggie got the charts from the hospital in LA and I only had to read the first three lines of the chart to know."
"What? To know what Amelia?
"That little boy got my baby's heart."
Owen felt tears sting his own eyes as she told him. He was trying to be strong for her, but her pain was killing him. She was the strongest person he knew and he had no idea how. She had been through so much and she was still strong.
"I heard his heart beat. It was so perfect. I heard my baby's heartbeat."
Suddenly the sadness that Owen felt turned to guilt. Part of him had hated her for not wanting to have a baby. He almost ended their relationship because of it, but now he knew. Now he knew why she didn't want a baby. It's not that she didn't want a baby, it's that she was afraid to want a baby.
"Amelia, I'm so sorry…"
"No Owen, I don't want pity. I just wanted you to know."
"No, I know. I'm not sorry for that. I am, but I'm sorry for leaving you, walking away from you, not being there for you when you needed me the most. If I had known, I never would have acted the way I did. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I hated to let you down. I know you want a baby. I want a baby; I was just so afraid. I won't survive something like that again. It will kill me."
"We'll get through this. I'll help you. We can have a baby if you want, but we don't have to. I love you Amelia. I just want you to be happy."
Before they knew it they were embraced in a passionate kiss. The last little while had been tense and exhausting, but it finally felt like they were becoming whole again. Amelia was glad she told Owen. As much as it hurt to tell her story, keeping it in hurt more. Owen loves her and she knew no matter what he would accept her.
Once the two of them got themselves together they left the on call room hand in hand. They both had to get back to work. Owen kissed Amelia on the forehead and made sure she was fine before he left her.
"You're sure you're fine? I can get someone to cover the ER if you want."
"I'm fine now Owen. I feel much better. Thank you." He kissed her again and told her he'd see her at home. Telling Owen felt so good. It hurt, and it always would but having someone on her side helped. Letting go of her past made her feel like she could finally face her future. She wasn't sure why or even how, but somehow now, she felt ready. She could do this now.
"Wait. Owen? I think we can try." He looked at her confused, unsure of what she was talking about.
"A baby. We can have a baby." Owen's face beamed as his wife made the revelation.
"Amelia. Are you sure?"
"I want your babies. I want you and I want your babies." Owen kissed her one more time before really having to head towards the ER.
"Tonight." Owen shouted as he walked towards the ER. Amelia smiled as her husband beamed with joy.
"Tonight."
Later that night Amelia got home before Owen. She was finally able to sit down and really think about what had happened today. Today had been one of those days that made her reflect on everything that had happened. She had checked with Meredith before leaving on Parker's status. His stats were perfect, all his labs were normal and he appeared to be perfectly fine. Amelia was happy the boy was fine, but she still couldn't figure out why he had had that seizure. There was no explanation. Except for one, one that she was really unsure if she believed. Maybe Parker had that seizure and was brought to the hospital, brought to her, because he was exactly what she needed.
He came to her so she could learn about his heart. So she could know that her decision to give her baby's organs was the right decision. Listening to Parker's heart gave her the chance to know that. That heartbeat gave her the chance to move forward. She's able to move on from her past and embrace her future. Her future with Owen. Everything was clear now. Everything would be perfect.
Hope you guys enjoyed the story. It was a little different than what I had expected it to be, but I still like it and I hope you guys do too! Please leave a review and let me know what you guys think. I love you hear your thoughts!
To anyone reading who has followed Do You Want This? and are waiting in an update, I'm really sorry it's been such a long time since the story was updated. To be honest, I had complete writers block when trying to write the next part and just couldn't figure out where to go next, or how I wanted the story to go. Hopefully I'll get some inspiration, bit if not, I'm not sure if I'll continue.